When my plus-sized or fat girlfriends tell me, “I wish I had a body like yours,” or “I don’t feel good in my body,” I don’t say, “Well, skinny-shaming hurts too and I also have low self-esteem.” Even though the latter is true, I don’t try to one-up my friends’ experiences and plights. I say, “You’re beautiful and your body is fine the way it is. Do what makes you happy but society’s beauty standards are bullshit. People who put down women because they’re larger are ignorant and they’re not telling the truth.” I assure and affirm them and am aware of my thin privilege. I may have low self-esteem and don’t think I’m very beautiful either but that’s irrelevant when talking about thin privilege, which I have. I really wish people who have light-skinned, thin or white privilege would stop one-upping dark-skinned, black and large bodies whenever they express low self-esteem due to correlating beauty privileges and standards. I get tired of hearing, “Well, one hurt isn’t worse than the other.”
My wardrobe is getting darker. I wish I could say it’s because black is my power color, or that I just like the mystery and strength in darkness, but the truth is, it’s a reflection of the weakness I feel. I think I’ve been hiding in it, behind it. I’ve been dressing in shadows so that I won’t be mistaken for the light I once was. “No, please don’t look my way”, I think. “I’m not myself right now, this is only a night self, a sleeping self, and I am just waiting to wake up, so please don’t look my way until that time. You will know me then for I will be soft and bright as snow in the morning, but until then, please cast your glance elsewhere.”
Today is a weird day for me. Since most universities are back in class today. I cannot help but feel a wash of relief come over me. But on the same hand I’m terrified. Honestly, I never thought I’d be here. Not the here as in this small coffee shop/ art gallery sipping on a way over price cup of really good coffee. But in the “real world” or I guess the post-grad world. Last year it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. And to tell you the truth, even though I could see the light last semester, it didn’t end how I pictured it would when I was a naïve little freshman four and a half years ago, I can say that I am damn proud of myself. I might not know what the hell I’m doing with my life, but honestly who actually does? Yes, job searching sucks, and my pipe dreams of living on my own as soon as I graduated with a job in the field that my degree is in, is a reality that isn’t happening, so what? What’s the rush? I see this happen with so many people. We are always rushing, to get to the next place, to get that selfie posted on Instagram, or to find that job. Life is short, so I get wanting to do everything you can, but I think we need to take things slow. We need to step away from the hustle and bustle of life and really take a look around us. Reality is that life isn’t going to go as planned. And as much as that scares the shit out of me, I’m excited to see this new life plan that is out there for me. So, to anyone reading this, (I only have 8 followers, so it’s a high chance no one is, and that’s fine, I kind of wrote this for my future self) it’ll be okay. For those who are still in school who feel like they are going to be there forever, don’t fret, YOU will graduate. Take a break when you feel the stress coming on, it’s your bodies way of telling you to slow down. To those who are like me, a recent grad and who hasn’t found a job yet, it’s okay. YOU will get a job. It might take months and many interviews, it might not even be a good job, but you will do it. You will find that job that shows you your purpose in life. YOU WILL eventually move out of your parents’ house. You will get out of this slump. To those who have been out for a while but seem to be hating life, it will get better. You will get that promotion. You will get the courage to quit and do something that makes you happy. Now I’ve been really down lately, for many reasons that I will not get into right now, I see a long post about in my future, but today I slept a little later than normal, and I woke up finally feeling happy. I don’t know how long this happiness will last, but right now I’m going to live in the moment and enjoy my life, even if it’s not how I planned it to be.
When my world is falling apart.
When there’s no light to break up the dark.
That’s when I look at you.
When the waves are flooding the shore and I can’t find my way home any more.
That’s when I look at you.
When I look at you I see forgiveness, I see the truth.
You love me for who I am, like the stars hold the moon right there where they belong, and I know I’m not alone.
I’m over it. I’m over your soft brown hair, and dreamy blue eyes. I’m over your kind voice and sparky smile. I’m over the way you look at me and the way you light up when you see me. I’m over all the nice things you’ve said that I know you mean. I’m over the way you always asked if I was okay when you knew something was wrong, even when I’d never tell you the truth about my feelings. I’m over how you always made me laugh even when I never thought I’d smile again. Why am I over something so great?
“I’m going through a divorce but that’s ok because I’m healing and letting myself nourish myself the way I need and want to and I’m not going to focus on other people’s reactions because I’m tired of feeling some fear of judgement because I decided to put myself first” -my current title for my autobiography
But also hi all, I’ve just been keeping this inside because I really don’t know the right way to talk about it. People seem to want me to be more upset and more depressed. But the truth is I made a big decision a few months ago and I feel so much relief. I feel…my light has been renewed. I’m taking time to nurture myself, to allow myself the space to accept love and affection, from myself and others. I am of course going through the ups and downs of the entire experience. Ive cried in public about as much as I have since the day after the election, so I am just going with my feelings. I am being present. I’m trying my best to not think about the judgement others want to pass on me bc their opinions are out of my control.
Thank you for respecting my decision-I don’t look back at my marriage or relationship over the past nine years with regret, but I know it is time for us to go our own ways and grow as individuals.
Yeah, this has probably been done before, but the idea
happened and I had to share it.
I made a post about possible Beastclan languages a while
back, and in thinking about it today I realized that there is absolutely no way
that every dragon in every part of Sornieth speaks Draconic the same way. There
must be dialects or at least minor differences. Again, I am no master linguist, and I’ve made little effort
with pronunciation, but I’ve done what I can with what might be possible
regional quirks, divided by flight.
Light is easiest.
They’re concerned with truth and knowledge, so their variation of Draconic
would probably be closest to the worldwide standard. Most books are probably
published in Light dialect. Older Light clans may come across as pretentious,
as they often insist on “correct grammar” from others they encounter. Language
snobbery isn’t exactly uncommon, especially if they don’t like you.
Shadow is almost
identical to Light, owing to the physical nearness, except that Shadow slang
contains a whole ton of double-meanings to really common words and phrases that
means they can make truly fantastic (and awful) puns or speak in code and only
another Shadow dragon will really know the difference. Bonus points if slang
varies by region and a Forum dragon can say a joke that becomes an entirely
different joke to a Brambles dragon. Do not let a Shadow dragon talk unsupervised to an old-school Light dweller. Just. Don’t.
probably speak in metaphor a lot (typical oracle trait). They probably never
give a straight answer if they can help it, because nothing you say can change
destiny… Unless destiny changes itself. Also maybe pirate slang? Why not? They’re fond of nicknaming different currents, too (because oracles and kennings), so a novice navigator in the Sea of a Thousand Currents has a lot to learn. Many
clans that are either entirely or mostly underwater would also probably adopt
Maren as a second language, so phrases and pronunciations might creep in from
time to time.
Earth has barely
changed in millennia. It’s really hard for modern dragons to understand some of
the more isolated Earth clans, actually, which makes it less a dialect and more
a separate language. Earth Draconic is almost dragon-Latin or the equivalent of
Anglo-Saxon English; very rarely do new phrases get added. Kin-terminology is
super complicated. They don’t have the phrase “great-great-uncle,” they have a
distinct word for that. Yes, I know it’s a stereotype, but Earth dragons also
probably speak very slowly, and rarely. It’s like Entish. It takes a very long
time to say anything in the Earth dialect, so they never say anything unless it’s
worth taking a very long time to say. Kennings might also be common here.
Ice dialect is
formal, logical, and clear-spoken. No room for linguistic frippery here; this
is a realm of archivists and jailors, sometimes with very little distinction
between the two. They also are fond of jargon, but rarely explain it if asked.
Like Earth, they don’t speak often, unless it’s something worth saying.
Wind is a flight of travelers who ride the gales around the world,
so Wind dialect is probably more like a pidgin composed of words, phrases, and
pronunciations from all parts of Sornieth, from Draconic to Coatl to even a
variety of Beastclan (especially Harpy/Talonok). New concepts are added pretty
much daily by excited explorers. Among older clans, especially ones with
familiar migration patterns, this might even grow into a proper creole as
hatchlings naturally incorporate what their parents learned.
Fire is weird. On
one hand, Draconic is generally accepted everywhere and so they have to know
Draconic to get any trade done. On the other, coatls are native to Fire and
have their own language. Either a Fire-raised dragon is likely to be bilingual,
or the two languages have formed a creole. There are probably some concepts
that Draconic cannot express well, and same for coatl; a Fire dragon might
switch freely between the two to get an idea across without realizing it.
Vocabulary is often full of forge jargon and metalworking terms, sometimes
applied to non-forging activities or creatures in their slang.
usually shouted. Have any of you seen Stormcatcher’s twitter? No inside voice.
It’s short and to the point; a busy workshop leaves no room for metaphor, and
analogy is only useful when explaining an idea that a diagram can’t convey.
Absolutely loaded with jargon, too, though a Lightning dragon might be more
willing to explain than an Ice dragon.
Nature is the Lorax
and it speaks for the trees. No, really… there are probably dozens of words for
each and every variety of tree, shrub, and grass that are found nowhere else in
Sornieth because those plants are found nowhere else. Also full of plant-based
metaphor and nicknames/slang, though it’s not often they indulge in more poetic
discussion. Survival of the fittest does not mean the best speaker most of the
Plague strikes me
as the sort to adopt anything that can improve their survival, so a Plague
dragon’s vocabulary is probably a hodgepodge of other languages and dialects,
especially from bordering areas. If a word for something is shorter and more
efficient than its Draconic counterpart, it usually replaces the Draconic. They’re
also prone to laughing at strange moments.
Arcane is the
hardest to categorize, primarily because of the nature of Arcane dragons as
curious and ever-exploring, but they usually fit into two main types. The first
is the jargon-nut, who uses very complex terms for almost anything. You know
the sort: the absentminded professor who always uses scientific names. The
other sort speaks perfectly normal, plain Draconic, until that moment when they
use a turn of phrase that’s so totally bizarre that it takes a while to realize
what’s wrong and then kills all conversation as their partner just kind of
stares at them.
I am sorry I write poetry to make me feel like I deserve you.
Like the time you spend on the tip of my pen makes me more worthy to love you.
When in truth, I will never be.
There is no great Galaxy in my little eyes.
I am misery. I am cruelty.
I am messed up. I made mess just to tell people I am hurting.
I have no words to convince you of how real this is.
And lately my skin feels like broken promises and the light is way too bright.
I make metaphors to mimic my silence. This is the most I can offer. I am sorry.
My heart is a guillotine that is crashing down and cutting off my sanity.
I know I hurt you. I know I will never be enough or maybe I am too much.
I am not a different universe. Saying that would be an insult to space because I am not that beautiful.
There are aches in my bones and the raindrops fill my bed with tears.
I lie with my back arched and my bullet hands clutching my heavy head in a desperate attempt to stop the sounds. The silence. The cold. The heat. The pounding. The nothing.
I am trying to make you understand that I do not understand myself but I do love you.
If I could take the stars and paint you a night so bright it would chase out all the darkness you’ve ever felt, I would do it without a second thought.
I am not that strong.
I am only a dim light that tries to shine too bright when you are the sun and I flicker beside you.
But I would stand in your shadows if it meant I could be close to you.
My breathing is so often forced and my words are more like suicide notes.
I am not a soft bed or a light day and
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am sorry.
I am mostly skin
Deep in thought, wondering why and how
We all wait so often, poring over details
Fingertips skimming the point of it all
I am mostly connective tissue
Sparks and thrills light the way to my
Center. Everything else revolves and cocoons around whatever lies at the
I am mostly blood
Racing past the details, straight to the
Point of it all, if i may be so bold
Not cold enough to shun the pain
But close enough to feel the difference
I am mostly space
What sits between you and me
Proton and Neutron watching electrons bounce their way up and down the stairs
We envy them, but never say so
To utter the truth is too powerful for this life
I have observed dreams and visions very carefully, and am now certain that the imagination has some way of lighting on the truth that the reason has not, and that its commandments, delivered when the body is still and the reason silent, are the most binding we can ever know.
I’m pretty twisted. I had to. The vibes were good but I definitely needed them to be better. I had to take some time out to reach my cruising altitude. I got some light from one of my sisters here and I honestly feel like I’ll continue to grow with a sense of self worth and higher comprehension. It’s just that times get tough and I don’t know how to channel the vibe the way that I want to sometimes. I just don’t like feeling so trapped inside myself but I also don’t like feeling like I am giving my truths to someone that I can’t trust… I don’t like to feel like I can’t trust people, basically. I don’t know if it’s the cost of being such a sensitive person or what but I am so freaking tired of being locked inside of my miseries. It’s becoming such a pain. Seriously… I just don’t know where to go.
Maizah* did not grow up as a Christian. One day she had a vision of a man, “shining like light… ‘I am the Way, the Truth and the Life,’ the man said. Then he was gone.”
When Maizah’s family fled to Egypt because of the civil war in Libya, her new Christian neighbor told her the man she saw, was Jesus. “I believed her, I felt it was true.”
Maizah became a Christian. Her non-Christian family called her home one day and she was confronted by a room full of men who she didn’t know. They beat her and questioned her. She was told the only way she would survive was to marry one of the men. Maizah managed to escape and is now living in a safe location.
Praise the Lord for every other Christian like Maizah who came to faith through Jesus appearing to them! Pray that they will continue to grow from strength to strength in the faith.
The truth is, we are all haunted by different things,
some by lyrics that tell of happier times,
or whiffs of perfume that remind you of people you’ve lost,
or perhaps some ripped black and white photograph sitting on your desk,
But they’re still all just tangible objects.
They’re all real ghosts, that you can touch and hold, that stalk you,
making sure to show up ironically at the worst of times,
and to leave your stomach aching as if you swallowed your weight in regret.
I am realizing
that people hurt in different ways,
that pain doesn’t have a universal look
and that the ghosts that haunt us cannot be exorcised quite the same.
You stop laughing at the same jokes,
leave all the lights off and sit in darkness,
never answer your texts or ignore them all,
or slowly stop talking to the point of being mute.
The truth is, some things never change.
Roses can always be your favorite flower,
or you’ll always adore the same shade of blue,
but these are the things that will bring you back.
No matter how much you hurt and adjust,
some things remain exactly the same.
They bring you back to your true self,
leaving that temporary dread and sorrow behind.
I am realizing,
that watching someone get better is far more rewarding
than seeing them wear sadness everyday,
as if they were some cartoon character with a limited wardrobe.
They undress their loneliness
to change into a happiness that fills its absence.
Their old ghosts have vanished,
and are instead replaced with a new sense of life.