i am the passenger

i’m cute but psycho, she says. she smiles at me.

in my backpack are sixteen emergency items for panic attacks, for shutdown mode, for in case i can’t stop urges i can’t control, in case i am in trouble. i have under my bed razors i can’t bring myself to throw out, even though i’ve been recovered for ages. i forget what i said to him after i say it. i don’t mean any of it, but maybe i did. am i steering this ship or am i just a passenger on it.

i put the hot in psychotic, she says. i hear her laughing.

i can’t feel my lips. back when the hallucinations were bad i didn’t tell anyone but him, because i knew what was happening. when i woke up in a hospital i tried to kill the doctor. my therapy group was full of wonderful people. the girl who was schizophrenic had a beautiful singing voice. i can still hear her crying sometimes.

normal people scare me, he says. i know it’s from tv.

we faltered on the edge of bad things. when he tried to burn his house down he didn’t know what he was doing. he’s being charged as an adult, they tell me. when he saw me looking he said it was his responsibility. the girl with split personalities is sweet. her trauma rendered her largely unable to speak. i sit outside with the other three who raid our own bodies and we pluck flowers and play a game: what if i’d been born normal. what if i had been given executive functions. what if i hadn’t been given depression in bucketfuls until it overcame my lungs. my parents don’t know how to look at me anymore and neither do my friends. they all tiptoe around me like i will break at any second.

try yoga. it’s just a phase. we all feel that way. you have so much to be thankful for. someone has it worse. mentally ill people are dangerous. therapists aren’t real doctors and by extension you have no real problems. go for a run. just choose happiness. you’re not really sick. you’re faking it.

i lace my shoes. it’s nice to have laces back. i will try to work out without letting myself get back into my disorder, but we all know how well that will go. i have been working out since i was six years old. yoga is on my schedule but it’s never active enough. there’s a good chance that out of the people in my group, one of them is being taken advantage of. we are so quick to give ourselves out for the safety of others. the boy who, like me, has burn scars on his skin - he tells me his girlfriend likes that he’s sick. it makes him sensitive. the girl who is schizophrenic gets picked up by her father. i know he hits her. she says she kind of deserves it.

sadness makes for good art, she says. i don’t look up.

when they ask me where i’ve been i say i’ve been out of town. i feel fine thanks for asking. i don’t know who i am when nobody’s looking. i don’t know if i’m even real anymore. i don’t know how to get close to people because they’ll end up finding out and hating me for it, or i’ll be a burden, or they won’t know how to handle it. my family never brings up the hospital again. sometimes i think i dreamed it. 

you won’t find love until you love yourself, he warns. it’s been a long day.

i’m so alone.


Graham Norton S20E09 Jennifer Lawrence Chris Pratt Jamie Oliver Will I Am


Chris Pratt’s epic card trick fail - The Graham Norton Show 2016 | Extra - BBC One


Together, Etta and Nicholas embark on a perilous journey across centuries and continents, piecing together clues left behind by the traveler who will do anything to keep the object out of the Ironwoods’ grasp. But as they get closer to the truth of their search, and the deadly game the Ironwoods are playing, treacherous forces threaten to separate Etta not only from Nicholas but from her path home forever. – Passenger by Alexandra Bracken

i need the passengers movie to be cancelled because i am sick and tired of watching 2 white ppl making out every time i log on to youtube like do i really have to see this? no


Here I am trying on one of 23 outfits for upcoming #passengerspremiere. Notice #babygroot in the picture? Also @anniepsaltiras my wonderful stylist. We’ve been together for years and she’s simply the best. Look at that amazing hair!!! Okay.
Also, this picture may not look like it has anything to do with #veteransday But believe me when I tell you I am living my dreams. There’s no way I’d have my life if not for the men and women who protect our way of life and serve our country. So thank you. #HugAVeteran#happyveteransday


☥I am the passenger
And I ride and I ride☥

the ballad of little boy blue

I’m high, holding her in my arms

like a dream where I know

I have to wake up,

and she is a river

running through

my heart.

And I am only a passenger

on a nameless train

that keeps heading

toward tomorrow.

And love is a word

i don’t understand,

but it sounds so beautiful,

I want to give it to her

like a present

wrapped in a box of hope,

but I am too afraid

that when she opens

the box it will be empty,

and she will

no longer believe

in anything.

So I don’t give her


and pretty soon

she is gone,

and so too is love.

i’ve seen passengers and i really loved it.

and it wouldn’t have occurred to me that tumblr could hate it..but it’s tumblr, so why am I surprised?

and why? because a man woke up a woman after a year of isolation drove him nearly mad. had it been gender-reversed no one would’ve called her a stalker or rapey. it’s people, dudes. it’s about morals and loneliness and HUMAN behaviour. 

not. everything. is. about. your. tumblr. social. gender. politics.

chill the fuck out.

I wonder how many rations/food supplies there was for the 5k on board the ship on Passengers (the movie). Because if two people woke up 90 years too early, and survived for roughly 60 of those years, given their age and them living a relatively long life.. How much of the food supply would they have gone through? And would that leave enough to feed the 4,998 passengers left on the ship for the remaining 4 months that they were supposed to be awake for?
Would the two have had kids? Surely that would be a way to pass the time as well. I’m guiding there wasn’t any long life condoms on the ship that lasted 30+ years, so it seems like an inevitability that they would have kids.

And I’m guessing that they were dead long before the first scheduled person woke up… What about their dead bodies? Would they have decomposed before they woke up? The last person to die wouldn’t have been able to go out into space unless they chose to.. Which is slightly morbid and sad. Wouldn’t the forest that we were shown at the very end have taken over the ship after they both died? Or in some way damaged the interior?

Also I wonder how well her book did once they all woke up and found it.
And what about his message? I wonder what earth would have said about the matter. Did he send a message telling them what happened and how they rectified it?

in the world of words
there are those who are the poets and
those who are the poems.
and i am always the poet 
the one who can only make sense of something 
by giving it a different name 
by turning it into something else. 
and you.
you will always be the lead
the love i am trying to understand
or the love i am trying to unlove.
you are in the passenger seat
and i am driving
my hands wrapped around the wheel
as if it is my own heart.
you say, stay on this road
and i say, for how long?
—  A.Y. // THE WAY IT IS