i am sugar always

Some things you have to learn to keep
to yourself. Davey points two fingers
about where my heart should be
& pulls. “Bam! You’re dead!” Just like that.
This and a thousand times more. I stay up late
worrying about what might explode if I sleep.
Things change at the worst
possible moment.
We are laughing. I am pouring
cinnamon and sugar over warm bread & singing
about love. Always love. Then the long car ride
with my shoes in the back seat.
Past the 5 & Jefferson and down to
the little room where no one ever calls me
by my name.

Matt scoops a handful of ants
into his mouth, claims they get hot the longer
they run across the tongue.
Tips his head back
like he’s waiting for a rain we
only ever talk about. Then it’s unbearable.
He swallows.
So maybe I was never kind.
All my decades amounting to that summer,
when I dug my fist deep into the meat
of a tree. When I pulled out what was inside and
crushed it beneath my fingers,
like worms.

The Weekend

Wow, honestly…. What a weekend!! I didn’t expect this.

I will start from the beginning. I went down to LI (long Island) to visit my Doctor. We met 1,5 years ago and we been “dating”, he is not my sugar daddy, but for any means he is not poor. He is athletic and handsome. I know him very well, we went on vacations and I have met his family, and best friends. He never been married and don’t have kids. He is totally ok with us dating and our age difference. He is in his early 50s. He has beautiful house and lovely dog. I care for this men and have fun every time I come down to visit him. So we been on and off for a year ad half, but we never been official, just we know we are dating and there is no drama or stress. He takes care of me and we enjoy each others company.

So I haven’t seen him for 2 months now, and I texted his Wednesday to check up on his, see what is up and how is things going. Well, I always knew that he is successful doctor with his own practice and special treatment he has so things been great for past year or so. But this blew mine and his mind as well. 

His living room. 

So his best friend, let’s call him “musician”, have been in music industry for ages, I mean he knows whole Hollywood and all music crew, big names. He told me stories how Kim become popular and etc. So he is living between LA, Florida, NY and Canada now. So, more about Canada, Musician have a project in Canada with one Billionaire (WITH A B) in Canada, its ongoing project and will take some time to get it done. About two months ago this billionaire talked about special treatment he wants to do in Canada, Florida and Bahamas, open a wellness centers with it and run it. So my Doctor actually the best in USA for it, so musician told billionaire that Doctor is specialized on it and so now Doc is on it. This Billionaire is so interested in this project and so excited. So Doc went up there to Canada to see him and talk. It was rare that this guy would give 5 min to someone as much as busy he is. He spends whole day with Doc, that was unusual already. This Billionaire, lets call him “Mr. Sir”. He has hones all over the world. Have 7 private jets and 400 cars, I am not shitting you guys. When doc went up there, Mr. Sir gave his Lambo with top down for the weekend. He lives in huge place in Canada, like sizes of the area is HUGE.

So now, I am flying in Friday, don’t know anything about it. Doc sends his driver to pick me up in JFK, while Doc is taking pilot lessons, he is thinking get small jet too now as he could fly himself.
I’m getting there, starving, so we go to nice Italian place. And he starts telling me about this Mr. Sir and whole project. So I am like wow, that is great. But then he is like: “oh Mr. Sir and his buddy flying in tomorrow for the procedure” (the one all this project is about) , I am like okaaaay , he goes: “they are flying in on his private jet in the morning and leaving around 4-5 pm the same day”, I am like wow, this guy will just casually fly down to NY to visit DOC and get procedure. Ok, so Doc asked if I wanted to come in the morning but it was too early so I decided to sleep in, so around 12-1 pm he called me and said that they coming to house and will go to the lunch to the yacht club doc belongs to. So I just got out of shower, really quick making my face a piece of gold and putting on DVF dress on and some pumps, casual but with class. 

 He especially told me to be casual, knowing me and my dress code where I dress up all the time haha. So they got here and GUYS, like seriously never in the world by meeting him on the street I would think he is Billionaire, like this guy is so humble, and down to earth its crazy. So we went on lunch, it was nice, talked about this and that, said that his son got married in Bahamas and it was amazing, spend $1MM on wedding. Then we just talked about how if something supposed to be, it will happen. So Mr. Sir was like: I was looking for house in Bahamas for years, and it couldn’t fit my desires, no deck for yacht, too small yard, etc. And here it is, this year he found perfect house that cost his about 20 $MM. And he casually invites me and Doc to his house, I am in my head like fuck yeah I will go! So we ate, great guys, very funny, and very simple, no idea that Mr. Would be billionaire. He is going to smoke cigars with PUTIN (I don’t like the guy) but fucking Putin?  Crazy. So we drove them back to their private jet that they flew in to this small private airport in long island, so it was very convenient. Guys, the jet, I mean I have never seen private jets in my life and been able to come close and meet pilots and just experience all this is amazing. Never in my life I thought I would be able to meet people like this. I am always will be humble with sugaring just because of this experience. I am so hoping go to Mr. Sir’s house in Bahamas with Doc, that would be amazing, meet his family, get closer, and you never know what I can get out of there. Job, career, good connections and etc. I just hope so. This meeting and experience just made my weekend, already.  

So we get back with Doc to his house and then I dress up and we took his new baby Lamborghini 2015 avendator to the restaurant, and I got to drive it. This is second “boyfriend” I have that own Lamborghini and I just love to ride in it, and Doc like to speed so its super fun! Came back from dinner home, watched some TV and then I gave him a full body massage and he passed out. Today, We got up, I made breakfast for both of us, this is only men I would make breakfast for, just because. Then he went to the gym downstairs, yeah he has his own spacy gym in the house. Then he came up, I already showered and he hop on and then we had first sex for the whole weekend, other two days we were too tired. So right after that I asked him if he wanted to go shopping. So we went got him IPad, then all me haha got wireless headphones for the gym, cloth for the fall for work and casual from J. Crew and got fall boots from Coach, they are babies for everyday and new perfume from Burberry, amazing smell. So, it was already late, I had to pack and get ready to fly back home. So we got back and I few out. Typing this text in the plane actually.   

So that was my amazing weekend! It was fun and so eventful! Doc is flying there next Sunday, so hopefully I keep in touch with Doc and it will work out just perfect and will benefit me  

I think this would be fun

I saw @sugarintheraw post this and thought it would be a neat idea. I love learning what other sugar babies use and am always looking for new makeup to try. So thanks @sugarintheraw.

A Sugar Baby’s Makeup Essentials 💕

Some of mine include:

Brows: I’ve only ever used Anastasia Dipbrow
Eyeliner: Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes Precision Liquid Eyeliner
Mascara: Too Faced Better Than Sex or Ciate Triple Shot Mascara
Lip: I have SOOO many liquid lipsticks that I use. Here are a few of my “go-to” ones:

Kylie Cosmetics - Dolce K, Posie K, and True Brown K. 

Anastasia Beverly Hills - Sarafine and American Doll (THE best reds ever)

Beauty Bakerie - Mon Cherie, Cranberry Stiletto, Versailles,  She’s Just Jelly, and Tres Jolie. (These will last through anything. Honestly the best long lasting ones I’ve used so far)

Makeup Monsters - Bite Me, Flutter, and Blackened Heart (Long lasting too)

Jeffree Star - Doll Parts (I have a few others but this formula isn’t my favorite, I just love this color so much.)

Dose of Colors - Berry Me, Sand, Truffle, Mood and Scarlet Lace 

Foundation: Marc Jacobs Genius Gel in Beige Ivory, Kat Von D Lock-It Tattoo Foundation in Ivory

I LOVE makeup obviously and have pretty much tried everything, so if anyone has any questions don’t hesitate to ask. :)  

Hello. My name is Jenn and I am a processed foodaholic and sugar addict.

Hello. My name is Jenn and I am a processed foodaholic and sugar addict. 

I wasn’t always a foodaholic. It’s a combination of life, poor choices and ignorance that made me the way I am today.

This is what I used to look like:


This is what I look like now:

What I’m about to tell you is a BIG deal. No one likes to talk about their weight but I’m going to put it all out there in this blog. 

Right now, My weight is 238 pounds. I’m about 100 more than I was 5 years ago. 

These next few days are the last time you will see me this way. Over the next year, I am going to transform my life and my body…and not through diet and exercise. In order for this to be a permanent thing, I need to make a lifestyle change myself. To me, that means eating a clean, paleo diet. Little to no processed foods and no processed sugar. This also includes getting back to the active lifestyle I used to have. I want to start running again and doing CrossFit on a consistent basis.  I want to start living the life I left 5 years ago when my dad died. 

Keep reading

soon to be daddy!calum would include:

-waiting for you outside your bathroom door cautiously knocking and thumping his head to the door every now and then asking “you okay there baby? do you want some help with the tests?”
-stumbling over you when u unexpectedly open the door and smiling nervously at him when u show him the tests
-almost fainting when he saw the positive signs and he’s heart popped out of his chest
- “i’m going to be a father?”
- “oh my fUCK i am gOing to be a FUCKING FATHER”
- looking at u with all adoring eyes and wrapping his arms around your waist and picking you up
-kissing you first saying how much he loves you into your mouth and stopping at eye level with your tummy
-rubbing your tummy and “hey there little bean, i’m your fucking fATHER”
- “calum stop swearing in front of our child!”
- “do not listen to your mother you can say anything u want, bug”
- smacking the back of his head
- him reading about all the pregnancy article on the Internet
- after a minute he’s on twitter spreading to the whOLe world that he’s goING to have a little family and everyone congratulating him
- going to the mall to buy baby things even you’re still 10 weeks preggy
- “i can feel that we’re going have a little man baby. i can feel it”
- waking him up at 2 am with weird cravings and him running to the store
- “i can’t believe i just let u eat 3 canned sardines”
- “it’s for your sON calum do not blame me”
- getting horny most of the time when ur making out
- “stop touching my boOBS CAL”
- “but baby they increased the size just let me”
- naming your child carl thomas hood
- “we can’t name our child CARLUM”
- the boys always patting his back and calling him “hey sugar daddy”
- always kissing your bump and telling little carl stories about your love story and about his day bc all he could think about is his son and his mom
- calling your baby “little carl”
- finding u at the kitchen in the middle of the night wiTH WATER DRIPPING ALONG YOUR LEGS
- “nO your child is ready TO COME OUT OF MY STOMACH”
- he’s never been so awake all his life
- him grasping your hand while you’re giving birth to little carl
- “good girl good girl” “(y/n) i can see his head just push it you can do it baby. i love you”
-holding his son to his chest afraid to drop him bc he’s an angel and he’s so fragile
- “we made an adorable baby”
- kissing you hard on the lips “I’m so proud of you baby girl I love you I love you”
- tweeting about he’s son with the caption “little Carl, my son, my boy, my angel, my pride and joy”
- basically a family with calum would be great because he would love his family with all of his heart and how little carl is the best thing that ever happened to the two of you


So I’d say my first time smoking ribs was a success

Why the fuck

Would you spend months talking to a man, just for the possibility of being spoiled or getting what you want? I don’t have time to waste. I understand easing some men into arrangements, but he is not stupid. Game recognize game honey. I use tinder, okcupid & a couple other sites but I am always upfront about my intentions. I’m a sugar baby yes. But I would neeeeever take from a man who doesn’t have anything to give. You not about to not feed little Bobby or your pet goldfish because I wanted a new purse. So I converse for a while but I never meet up without them knowing my intentions. It would just be a waste of everybody’s time. In my opinion anyway. Do what works for you.

I am recreated: a monument
made from sugar, parched
and reaching, always reaching,
for a basin at which to dissolve,
to unravel for the sake of.

I fear I have forgotten how to
ask for someone to stay without
it sounding like “i don’t want to
drown alone.” I still try, I still
seem to sound like I am caught
somewhere between my heart
and my throat. It is unpleasant
to witness me as I attempt to
claw my way out. I know this.

Wanting that strange courage to
love and being made of soluble
matter, it is like setting yourself
on fire. From far away, it probably
looks beautiful.

—  “it is unforgiving.” by Emma Bleker