i am so sad these battles are over

one of my favorite jojo scenes will always be when joseph interrupts his own funeral that ending is Iconic and i love it so much

[SPOILERS] Fairy Tail Chapter 535 Reactions

Hii! Wow, it feels like it’s been so long since I did one of these because the chapters took a while. But hey, I heard that FT’s ending in 20 chapters or so??? Like wAht. I feel like I grew up with FT and that’s so sad! But at the same time, I’m really excited for the next manga that Mashima will put out because he’s really good with fantasy.

Anyway, on with the chapter!

So it begins with Lucy, Gray and Happy this time. Which, I’m kind of thankful for. We were right that it was a side effect from rewriting END. 

And before we get to the harrowing parts from this chapter, I would like to express my feels for a particular scene here. AND SORRY TO ALL THOSE NALU FANS WHO DON’T LIKE GRALU I don’t hate you guysss

Ugh, Isn’t that just adorable? It burns and he’ll make it hurt less for her! T.T My ship. Ahhhhh I love them so much.

Anyway, moving on!

According to Zeref, whoever even tried to rewrite the book fell into darkness. I suppose this is why Lucy is so important. She can rewrite END without getting corrupted yet. Emphasize on the yet there. We can already see that she’s being affected, so what will be the aftermath?

Zeref even said that those who dare try don’t get to live normally afterwards. Of course, knowing FT, Lucy will somehow be healed and helped along by her friends, esp. Natsu. But this brings me to a question whether Mashima wants to make a really good ending.

Personally, I think it would be great if Lucy got corrupted. I mean, not forever, sure. But for a bit. Like hidden inside her. Because let’s all face it, Lucy isn’t the strongest character here and I’m sure she will somehow collapse after rewriting Natsu’s wounds. But it’s just a thought! Don’t get me wrong! I love Lucy and she’s like my fav character in FT (maybe that’s why I want her to go through many things). I just really want something to happen here.

And anyone can die… JUST NOT JELLAL DEAR HEAVENS. 

Seriously, Mashima? Why are you pulling this move on us again? I already broke my heart over Sieghart! I know I said I want character death but… please, just not him T.T The man’s been through so much!!!

Ugh, I am going to seriously cry if he dies. You know that scene where Gray was supposed to die? I love him and yet I didn’t cry. I don’t know why though. I mean I was sad, but then I kind of accepted it (but then he lived of course)

BUT JELLAL’S DEATH? I CANNOT ACCEPT!!!

*sighs* next scene…

So here it is! Battle Finale! I mean, how dramatic is it that two brothers have to fight for what they want? I get what Mashima is saying about Natsu not being a hero. He really isn’t, because he only wants to save Fairy Tail and not the world. Because let’s look at things this way.

Zeref may be a villain, but what he wants is for his mistakes (which has affected the whole world) to be undone, along with his demons that wrecked the world. Like Mavis for example, and Erza. If Acnologia hadn’t been born and Zeref had somewhat prevented that, Erza and Eileen would be living quite happily (I hope) and Mavis wouldn’t have to learn Black Arts. 

Zeref wants to live like a normal boy with his brother and retain his memories so he can fix his mistakes. Whereas Natsu, unmindful of the chaos that his brother brought and may still possibly bring (like the aftermath of this war), wants to keep staying with Fairy Tail. He doesn’t wish to be with his real family, because he already has one. And if the world resets, he will never meet Fairy Tail again.

I suppose they really are brothers, fighting over things. But it’s really sad on Zeref’s part that he’s the only one who wants to be with his family. Because he still doesn’t have a place he could call home, simply due to the fact that even this world rejects him.

Zeref’s story is actually pretty tragic, so I suppose that’s the root why he became like this. I mean, if you have the power to undo all of your mistakes that led you to this miserable life, you would want to do it, right? And Zeref is desperate to be happy and to be loved.

Nuuuu I’m getting all sad over this! I have so many thoughts about this, but we’ll have to wait for the next chapter for more.

Well then, that’s a wrap! I hope you enjoyed my reactions and tune in to next week’s! 

This will prob be the last time I type long essay posts and obsess over the battle of mewni before getting back to art and general silly shitposting (I am still undeterred in my desire to draw toffee and tofficore, just fyi c:<), but I just wanted to mention this for others who are also sad/upset at Toffee’s apparent fate:

If toffee truly is dead then maybe it’s for the best? Like, for him as well as everyone else? I think about how other fictional (and even some irl) people in similar positions just won’t ever stop; they’re so far gone that nothing will ever satisfy them. Despite it being a silly movie overall, I am reminded of the bad guy from the second king fu panda movie, Lord Shen. This one scene perfectly illustrates the complete, out-of-control insatiability that someone may experience when being driven by some insane motive.

https://youtu.be/rPEVKhJ55m4

Unless we learn otherwise, I will always think Toffee started out purely defending monsters from mewmans. Who knows if/when we will find out his true motivations for killing Star’s grandma, but at some point it’s clear he totally lost it and took it too far. It seems likely enough that he could have killed the queen without any good justification and thus could have been among the first events that started him down this destructive path. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m a pathetic bleeding heart who sees maliciousness as evidence of some underlying problem. As terrible as Toffee was, I wouldn’t want to see him go for two more seasons suffering from whatever it was that drove him to these violent, extreme measures. Maybe it’s time to let him rest in some relative peace.

I am rooted in reality enough to know that these are all just fictional characters in a show, and in the end it doesn’t matter at all, but for the vast majority of my life I’ve been the type who is hypersensitive to the emotions of others, even characters in books and movies (I’m pretty sure I cried every single time I watched that final scene where copper defends a near-dead Todd in the fox and the hound when I was little, haha). I appreciate suffering for the sake of development and forward movement in a story, but some forms of profound suffering just make me crazy after a while. Toffee has already served his purpose as the catalyst for making star stronger, I don’t know what yet more of his suffering would do for anyone. The only reason I’d want to see him come back is to FINALLY push forward the “institutionalized monster racism” topic–but only if he’s realized that he was wrong in his previous actions, and I have no idea how likely that would even be since it’s been hinted by the crew that there’s no redemption story planned for him.

Long story short, maybe we will see him come back–but if he’s actually gone, this is a mercy killing for all concerned parties. I care way too much about every single character on this dumb show and my lizard bby has gone through enough of these schemes that end up hurting only him; I really don’t want to see him learn nothing from his experiences and hurt himself again. Please just give him a good home in your AUs and roleplays.

HAPPY (LATE) BIRTHDAY SHANNON

I SAID IT WOULD BE DONE BY MIDNIGHT, IT WAS DONE BY MIDNIGHT. BOOM. DONE.

Not that you were, like, awake. But whatever. Sad soppy hotel-room boys take time to write.

So! This is a day-late birthday present for @the-son-of-dathomir, aka one of the best and most intricate Obimaul writers currently active, who allows me to yell at her about my Sad Boys In A Hotel Room ‘verse (the one that eventually leads to Mobitine, if you’ll recall) and yells right back. This is taken about 60-70% from ideas she’s had and flung at me to make me cry.

LOVE YOU SHANNON. HAVE SOME SOFT BOYS.


Obi-wan pried the door handle around with some sense of trepidation. It had been a few months since he’d seen Maul last; since he’d shoved a blanket at him and told him to take it home, to hide it away. Maul’s bright and wide-open eyes had haunted him ever since their parting.

More so, since he’d encountered a vagrant wearing what appeared to be a Jedi Temple-issue throw blanket over their shoulders. It couldn’t have come from anywhere else, not one of those blankets in the same condition.

Keep reading

Rouge week day 3:

in which the author just wanted to write more Ocean deity Rouge

Rouge pulls the soft strings of the things that she had found in the shipwreck, head tipped to the side as she tried to figure out what it was for. There was something soft to put something on at one edge and the other narrowed down to a point, there was another thing that she had found crossed over it, but she didn’t know what either of them were. Lampoon was back at the entrance to the Grand Line, too far to visit for such a simple question and it was a human item, so he might not know either!

She tilts her head, sensing Fisher King and Queen Otohime, both asleep. She sighs before grinning excitedly and searching for the only other people that she knew, finding them relatively close enough, hurrying in their direction.

“Hello!” Rouge waves, spotting a man on the deck. “Hi! Is Roger here?”

“Captain!”

Who was Captain, Rogue wonders as people start scrambling around and the bright sparks are increased and made brighter. She wonders how that happens as Roger stumbles into her line of sight.

“Roger! Do you know Captain?”

“Rouge!” Roger shouts back grinning brightly. Rouge tilts her head, had that funny thing along his upper lip always curled like that? “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night.”

“What does dark have to do with anything? You have tiny suns on the ship, I can see them.” Rouge says edging closer and pushing herself up enough to show her prize. “What does this do?”

Roger blinks accepting the item from her hands, tapping it softly as if to empty something from it before putting the odd cushion underneath his chin and grabbing the second piece in his other hand, sliding them together to make a soft noise.

“How did you do that?” Rouge asks eyes wide.

“It’s a violin. It makes music.”

Rogue blinks at him, “Like this?” She sings, the sound of wind whistling over the waves, crashing into the land. “That’s music?”

“How do you do that?” Roger asks, eyes wide. “I didn’t think anyone could make noises like that.”

“I make those sounds all the time? Make the violin sing again? Please?”

Roger laughs, putting it back under his chin and sliding the pieces together again, making several noises in a row before it started to sound like a song, Rouge clapped her hands, singing along with it, the sound of water lapping at the hulls of ships and the gurgle of sinking ships.

“Where did you get this,” Roger asks when he’s finished. “It’s water logged.”

Rouge nods, “It’s from a shipwreck. I found it that way,” She points back from where she had come. “It was closer to my other friends but they were sleeping and I promised that waking them up to answer questions wouldn’t happen anymore. So I came to ask you!”

“I was sleeping,” Roger says yawning. “We had a fight yesterday with another crew and so I am very tired.”

“I know. That you fought! I was cheering for you!” Rouge says brightly.

Roger pauses, “You were?”

“I sang a battle ode,” Rouge agrees. “Do you want the violin? I can’t make it sing underwater, it’s just sad.”

“I guess I can,” Roger stops shaking his head, “You sang a battle ode?”

“I can sing it again?” She offers.

Roger nods, “I would like that.”

Rogue smiles brightly, singing her battle ode loudly enough to echo around them, the boom of something over the water competing with the clash of metal on metal, water slamming into the bottom of ships.

“It’s a lovely battle ode,” Roger says when she finishes. “Thank you for singing it for us.”

“You’re welcome!” Rouge had never been thanked for singing her ode before. “I’m sorry to wake you? I always forget that people sleep. Thank you for answering my questions!”

“Rouge, before you go,” Roger pauses. “What are you?”

“The Ocean, silly!” Rouge says giggling. “I’m the ocean! It’s nice to meet you, Gol D Roger, wasn’t it?”

“And to meet you, Portgas D Rouge.”

Roger glances at Rayleigh when Rouge vanishes, the sounds from the ocean around them no longer matching where they were, the same battle ode repeating, “I’m in love.”

“Roger, you can’t fall in love with the ocean.”

“But she’s gorgeous,” Roger whines. “And she sings for us!”

“All she needs to do is bring you meat and you’ll propose to her, won’t you?”

Roger grins besotted, “You think she would?”

“Go the fuck to sleep.”

I.
You are my definition of perfection: the way you look at me sends shivers down my spine. The thought of kissing you does so much worse.

II.
I wish you were beside me. I have always loved the rain – but never the thunder and lightning that accompany it. I want a pair of arms around my waist; a faint breath against my neck; a racing heartbeat that matches mine. I want to be reminded that everything is okay. That I am safe. That this is real.

III.
“You’re fucking beautiful.” Three words that my body cannot handle. Tell me again. Do not stop – even if I ask you to. Any combination of words would sound just as lovely, if they were to leave your lips.

IV.
Your lips. That’s all I can think about at this moment. Your lips against mine; nothing exists but us. Immersed in a moment we’ve both dreamed of for too long. Consumed in the desire that has built itself up to this point. Kiss me – I promise to kiss you back.

V.
I want to crawl inside your heart. Make a home for myself amongst the pieces of girls who left you behind. Burrow myself deep beneath the secrets you hold close. I want to belong to you.

VI.
I’m thinking about your hands now: how it feels to thread my fingers through yours, kiss your knuckles until they stop bleeding. You don’t need to fight anymore. The battle is over. You are in control of your feelings. And we are happy.

VII.
When were you last happy, my dear? I don’t remember ever being this content. And though I may be sad about the way I look, or how well I may or may not do in our upcoming exams – it doesn’t matter. I am so, so happy; it’s all because of you.

VIII.
My parents tell me I have an answer for everything; that I don’t know how to stay quiet, and ignore what doesn’t involve me. You are the only person who is able to render me speechless, and I don’t know how you do it – but my mind blanks, my voice is engulfed by thoughts of you, the words struggle to break free. I can’t help what you do to me.

IX.
The number 9 is amongst my least favourite, but I have lost my train of thought. Because you are you. And you are exactly what I didn’t know I was missing until I found you – that lost puzzle piece hidden between wooden floorboards as a child; that letter from a loved one that was shoved in amidst the birthday cards and broken dreams; that box with your favourite bracelet, which you tried so desperately to replace.

I’m not making sense, and this is how I know you’ve got me.

—  L.G. A Letter To The Boy Who Is Everything
Who wants some AUs?

“You just moved in and your music is really loud and I was gonna get mad at you but holy tits you’re cute” AU

“‘You’re gonna get a cold if you stand out in the rain!’” AU

“We both cosplayed as the two romantic leads in our fandom and we’re having a ship war with some other people so should we make out for canon’s sake?” AU

“We’re at the airport as I see you are playing Pokemon I am also playing Pokemon wanna battle?” AU

“We both went to the same romantic movie alone and this is the sad part mind if I cry?“ AU

"I’m on the swings at the park and looking real depressed why did you come over to talk to me?” AU

“WAIT, WHICH CHAPSTICK IS MINE?” AU

“I’m a waitress and this customer is being really rude whoa you’re standing up for me?” AU

“Christmas shopping is brutal.” AU Make of that what you will with that one

“Yo I know we’re rivals at the Battle of the Bands but can I borrow your tuner?” AU

“Pizza delivery whoa why are you telling me your problems I’m just the pizza delivery guy” AU

“The last signed copy of Goblet of Fire” AU

“You’re the guy who did that nice graffiti down at the bank wow you’re hot” AU

You can give me credit for the ideas or not I really don’t care. Have fun!

I lived with you, I grieved, and many a tear I shed.
In truth, I never did a noble soul defy.
Now it is time for me to go and join the dead.
Seems like it’s joy I leave on earth – so sad am I.

But you that knew me well, in your reports convey
That all my younger years were for my country spent:
While battle raged, at mast I stood, be as it may,
And with the ship I drowned when vanquished down she went.

But I beseech you – there is hope while there is breath.
Let the living lead the nation with wisdom’s torch held high,
And one by one, if need be, go straight to death,
As God-hurled stones that densely over ramparts fly.

And as for me, I leave behind a group of friends,
Who for my proud heart did have love, and room.
I did God’s hardest service, now the duty ends,
And I agree to have an unlamented tomb.

- MY TESTAMENT, Juliusz Słowacki

elvaliiente  asked:

//slam dunks url in here

Send me your URL and I’ll tell you

My Opinion on;

Character in general: Upon seeing smol Nel for the first time, she immediately stole my heart. Her little lisp and just—her attachment to Ichigo. It was so cute and endearing. Then she went and became Adult Nelliel, and you see her backstory and I just—Tragic and sadness everywhere. But then she battled against Nnoitora and it was awesome to watch. Protecting Ichigo and Orihime after everything that happened. I am glad that she came back in the Manga and in the Light Novels, rescued my queen from her prison. Makes me very happy to be honest. 
How they play them: I am very happy with how they play Nel. They make her so kind, so endearing and just so gentle with my Harri. Being like her cheerleader and giving her encouragment and a boost when she needs it. Because let’s be real: Re-taking over Hueco Mundo after what happened, was probably not easy. So it’s nice to know that Harribel has someone like Nelliel at her side, and that we get to write that out together. That bond and trust that just—ahhh steals my heart every time. 

The Mun:  Shelby I swear is one of my closest friends I have on this website. Seriously. I enjoy talking and pestering her whenever I can, and indulging in some floof HarriNel headcanons or fan art we find. Or just squealing about the other’s reply in general. They are a wonderful human being and I just—cannot help but feel lucky to have a good friend like her. 

Do I:

RP with them:  Yes
Want to RP with them:   ALWAYS ( we gotta be gay with the HarriNel so ) 

What is my;

Overall Opinion:

Originally posted by shiintan

11/10 Nelliel over here, with a wonderful mun behind them. Go follow show them love all that stuff. 

**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty

Some of my reactions during The Battle of the Five Armies (3D)

Smaug attacking Lake-Town:

Smaug speaking to Bard, right up in my face in 3D:

Smaug dying:

but also

Thorin’s Dragon Sickness:

Galadriel unleashing her power towards Sauron:

Thranduil to Tauriel: “What you feel for that dwarf is not real”:

Legolas to Thranduil: “If you harm her you will have to kill me”:

Thorin gets over his sickness:

Fili’s death:

Kili watches Fili die the runs in anger to battle:

Kili saves Tauriel:

Kili dies:

Legolas fighting Orcs and defying gravity:

Thorin makes Azog fall under the ice:

Azog is actually still alive:

Azog stabs Thorin right before Thorin stabs him:

Thorin’s last words to Bilbo:

Legolas: “I can’t go back”

Thranduil: “Where will you go?” - with sadness in his voice

Tauriel [crying over Killi’s dead body]: “If this is love, I do not want it. Take it from me, please! Why does it hurt so much?”

Thranduil: “Because it was real.”

Bilbo bids the dwarves farewell:

During the credits:

Walking out of the theater:

The Forgotten

A/N: Let’s celebrate my comeback and 1200 followers with The Forgotten finale. :) Well, this is the last chapter. I worked so so hard on this one. I am literally horrible in writing actions, so I decided to write it in flashbacks. Anyway, you all saw Avengers I guess, so you know how the battle in New York happened. 
And yes, I cried writing this. It’s probably not what you wanted to read.
Warnings: it’s sad. really. nothing more.
Timeline: Thor: The Dark World and flashbacks are during Avengers of course.
Song: The Forgotten by Green Day
GIF is not mine.

Imagine: You are Captain America’s step daughter and have your own powers. He always made sure you’re out of any fights but when God of Mischief decided to take over Earth, there are times when you’re needed. You are as careful as possible to stay out of trouble but real trouble happens when you catch Loki’s heart.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 
Chapter 4

Request for beloved flower @silver2u.


Chapter 5.
Sometimes you’re better lost than to be seen.

A year after the Battle of New York
Thirty six, thirty seven, thirty eight, you kept counting seconds, listening to the ticking clocks beside your bed. Thirty-nine..how many minutes it was? Or how many hours, actually? You took a look at the clocks - 3:47 AM. Nice. If Loki would be here, he would run his fingers through your hair until you would fall asleep, like he did a few times before. But he wasn’t there. He was gone. He is not here anymore. Realization hit you, it felt like something heavy falling right onto your chest and you covered your face with your hands. There we go again - the brilliant ability of your brain to bring back memories exactly when you tried to sleep.

–Flashback–
After that very last kiss Loki gave you, he literally dissappeared and you found yourself in the middle of chaos. In the middle of fear, screams, explosions and fire. At first, you somehow couldn’t move, all you could do was to stare at the destruction in front of you; and a dead body not so far away from you. The man looked young. Death and war. This is how it looks and sounds like. Suddenly you were sure you would never be able to get this sight out of your brain. Catastrophy in every sense of the word.
A hand appeared on your shoulder and you jumped and almost screamed.
“I knew it,” Steve breathed out and you opened your mouth to say something, but you forgot what it was. “Y/N?” he sounded worried and you looked up at him. It felt like he appeared out of nowhere. Maybe I am dreaming. Maybe none of this is real. Then you looked into his eyes, filled with fear, relief and love. You suddenly hug him tighter than ever before. He is real.
The shock dissappeared and only when you hugged him, you realized how painfully you missed him, his protective embrace, where everything bad wasn’t so bad.
“Oh my god,” you whispered when you felt his arms around you. You heard another explosion behind you but it didn’t matter at the moment. “I thought I’d never see you again,” he replied, but before you could say anything, he added: “We have to go, come on.”
–End of the flashback–

You sat up and sighed. Little Steve, now almost full grown cat, seemed to be deeply offended by your sudden move.
“Sorry man,” you whispered. Almost right after the battle, you returned to the apartment and found your little kitten sleeping on a chair. The building still had to be protected by Loki’s magic, the fighting didn’t touch a single wall. Everything was just like before. Except for not everything was just like before. You quickly got up, there was no reason to stay in the bed and try to fall asleep, when your brain stubbornly wanted to tortute itself again. You looked out of the window. The city wasn’t quiet, New York was never quiet, just like your head. Except for, New York was brave, because it survived and was loud again, breathing with life and joy of people. But you.. that storm inside of you was a hurricane of emotions and memories, the good ones and the bad ones, all of them made you feel something else. And the combination was.. well, nerve-racking.

–Flashback–
Attacking chitauri’s minds was a one big mess. No rules, no guarantee of success. It worked on some of them and didn’t on others. It was still hard to actually find a way inside their brains and it took you much more energy than it would with a human.
Your head was spinning after the last try to attack one of them. It didn’t even work.
“Hey, are you hurt?” You felt a hand above your elbow and quickly opened your eyes. Steve.
“No, just exhausted. I’ll be fine.” He looked around, still holding your hand. “The basement in the Stark Tower, go Y/N. And be careful.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I am not even hurt that much,” you replied and shook your head. Do you really believe I’ll go and hide myself when all of my friends are risking their lives? Do you even know me?
“I said go. Please, just.. just go there so I won’t have to lose my mind every time I don’t see you around.”
You looked up at the Stark Tower and opened your mouth. Is that.. ? You tried to look better and.. yes, that was him. Your heart skipped a beat. Loki did this. He did all of this, but despite of everything, your heart started to beat faster just because you saw him again. Fighting with his brother. Okay, so maybe Stark Tower wasn’t that bad idea.
“Okay.. good,” you replied and Steve’s eyebrows went up, giving you the look he always gave you when he guessed you were up to something. But this time he fortunately didn’t have enough time to ask, when you run away so he just made sure you’re heading to Stark Tower.
The way up was much harder than you expected. But you knew the place like your own hand so it didn’t took you long to get up there. You found Thor holding down Loki’s face straight ahead, forcing him to watch the burning city. It was even more horrible sight than before. New York was falling to ashes. No matter how much you loved Loki, at this moment you were able to hate him. This was his fault.
“Look at this! Look around you!” you heard Thor’s voice. It was hard to get your eyes off of the almost fallen city but you did it. None of them noticed you yet, “You think this madness will end with your rule?”
Loki tried to look away and you were sure he was breaking, it took you only one look into his eyes to know that.
“It’s too late. It’s too late to stop it,” his voice was quiet but you heard him.
“No. We can. Together,” Thor tried to convince him again and you could literally feel from his voice how much he wanted his brother to change his mind.
And when you tried to say something too, Loki catched the sight of you. You could tell the exact moment when everything broke inside him and he looked lost. Like he doesn’t even know himself anymore, like everything was taken from him and there was just one thing reflecting in his eyes - hope.
Thor looked over his shoulder at you but you couldn’t stop looking at his brother.
“Please,” you whispered, afraid he didn’t hear you but he did, “for us.
Thor looked back at him, then again at you. “Brother, for everything you could have.” And that was when you realized Thor figured it all out. He knew.
You thought you saw a tear on Loki’s face but you also noticed he didn’t look so lost anymore, his walls slowly building up again. All you wanted was to hug him and break these walls down. But all you could do was stand there, watching him. Then - and you knew it a second before it happened - Loki stabbed his brother with a small knife you didn’t even see in his hand. You screamed and Thor keeled over.
“Sentiment,” Loki whispered.
You stepped back and then everything happened so fast. Thor got up and you saw him slamming Loki down, hard. Loki was bleeding and you tried to get closer and help him but he rolled over the edge and disappeared from your sight. Two seconds later you saw him riding a flying whatever it was. He never looked back.
–End of the flashback–


This one was one of the worst. This memory hurt a little more than others. Because he was so close to choosing the right thing to do. You kept thinking about it, over and over again. What exactly made him do what he did? What made him hide behind his walls again? But as usually, Loki was one big mystery and you couldn’t understand his choices, no matter how hard you tried. You sat down on the bed again, hiding your face in trembling hands. Your head ached from the lack of sleep and you felt so damn tired. There was no one you could talk to. No one knew. “I just need you to be with me,“ you whispered and closed your eyes.

–Flashback–
It was over. The hell on Earth.. it ended. And everyone you loved survived. It’s okay now. A day after the battle, Thor and Loki were about to leave. You tried to secretly visit Loki over the night, but Steve didn’t leave you out of his sight. A part of you wanted to tell Loki how much you hated him for ruining everything you could have together. You even had a whole speech, but deep inside, you knew you would never say that to him. And when you finally saw him, handcuffed and muzzled, your anger went away so quickly you didn’t even think about it again. It took all your strenght not to run and help him. While Thor was shaking hands with the rest of the team, Loki looked up to you, slightly frowned. That single look hurt so much, you wouldn’t believe it. For anybody else, everything was alright again. But for you, nothing made sense anymore. All you could do was thinking: He can’t leave, he can’t leave just like that. What will happen to him on Asgard?
When it was your turn, you hugged Thor and when you caught his glance, you saw in his eyes he was sorry. Hugging him, you very carefully reached behind your back, trying to find Loki’s hand but you couldn’t. Not wanting to draw attention you started taking it back, but then you felt his cold fingers catch yours. You squeezed lightly and his fingertips caressed your skin, before he let go.
You pulled away from Thor and you whispered a simple: “I forgive you.” hoping Loki could hear you. Then you stepped back, next to Steve. You watched Bruce placing the tesseract inside a glass tube, held by Thor. Then he offered Loki the other end of it. You watched Loki’s fingers catching it and you closed your eyes, not wanting to see him leave. Suddenly you realized why the last kiss Loki gave you on the street, felt so strangely painful. It actually was the last kiss you will ever get from him and somehow.. somehow you knew it back then. You just knew it. And when you finally opened your eyes, they were gone.
–End of the flashback–


When you finally fell asleep, only two hours later you had to get up and go to work. You turned off the alarm clock and lay back, not caring about anything else than sleeping. A few minutes later you were awakened by Steve’s hand on your shoulder.
“Y/N. You’ll be late.”
“Whatever,” you murmured, still refusing to get up. You felt his hand stroking your hair. “Are you sick? Or you didn’t sleep again?”
“I am fine.”
“That much I see,” he kept quiet for a while and you slowly started falling asleep again when he said: “Why won’t you talk to me? What has that bastard done to you? Y/N, you are so.. different.”
You opened your eyes. Steve tried to talk to you about everything that happened several times, but you refused to discuss it and he wasn’t that type of person who would pressure anyone. Now and then he tried it again, but he stopped doing it a few months ago. This was the first time after very long time, that Steve asked something like this. You turned to him and sighed.
“I already told you he just held me captive. I was a hostage, that’s it.”
“I don’t believe you.” Now, that’s new.
“You wouldn’t understand,” you whispered and got up from bed, “please, I need to get ready, I’m gonna be late.”
Steve remained sitting on your bed for a minute, then he nodded and left the room.
On your way to work, you were lost in your thoughts and a last thing you expected was someone grabing your hand.
“Jesus!” you screamed and looked up, “Thor.”
You’ve been waiting for this. For someone from Asgard finally appearing here. You kind of expected Loki would be punished, so you waited at least for Thor to come back. You almost hugged him but then you noticed scratch marks and bruises on his face and arms.
“What happened to you? And where is Loki?”
“Y/N, I.. we.. there was an attack on Asgard. And my, uhm, our mother died.”
You bit your lip and touched his hand. You never met her, but you knew how much Loki loved her. “Oh my god.. I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. But that’s not everything. When we.. went to avenge her death, Loki, he..”
Your stomach jumped and you shook your head a little. Please don’t say that. Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.
“He is dead too.”
“No.”
“I am sorry. He died a hero. And this,” he handed you piece of paper, which you took but you didn’t care, “he asked me to give it to you, while he was imprisoned but I never had a chance, I am sorry for that.”
You suddenly squeezed the letter hardly in your hand. Loki died. You thought it should hurt, you should feel something, but there was nothing. Literally nothing. You don’t even remember when and how Thor left. You just found yourself heading back home.
Back in you room, you finally took courage to read the letter, even if you knew, it was going to break your heart but what did it matter? You didn’t feel anything anyway. A pain would be something. Loki’s handwriting was a little left-slanted:
Y/N,
you are not going to see me soon. I ended up imprisoned again, but I will get out of here somehow. Until then, I really hope my brother will give you this letter, because I hate the idea of you waiting for me and thinking I forgot about you. There is no way I could forget.
I want you to know something.. things never really worked for me. But I believed in us more than in anything else before. My walls were up but you just came and brought them down, at least some of them. And I love you for it. Back on Midgard, you were the moment of truth in my lies. And that is the most honest feeling I have ever felt in my life. I like who I am when I am with you, Y/N. For a few days, you brought light into my life and chased away all the darkness.
And I promise, if there is a chance to get ouf here, you will be the first person to see me. And if not, then.. I will eventually lose my mind and you will eventually move on, but please remember and never forget that wherever you are, my heart is with you as long as I am alive.

You could barely see, because of your tears. As long as I am alive. He is not. He is gone. It felt like being punched over and over again and you wished not to feel anything again, this was a kind of emotional pain you could never imagine. It felt like someone took your world, throw it against the floor, where it broke into pieces and this - this paper Loki touched and wrote his feelings on - was a last shatter of glass.
Not controlling yourself, you threw a few things against the wall, like it could help to ease the pain. Then you felt Steve’s arms around you and heard his voice asking what happened and that was the last thing you could handle.
You screamed.


Winter was coming back, you felt it in the air. You were sitting on the same rooftop where you spent a few memorable moments with Loki, including the one after your first kiss, when you both sat there and talked, watching snowflakes flying around. You came back to the apartment, only to find a young man living in here. You wanted him to leave and let you see the messy room, where you found your kitten, the fireplace, the broken bathroom door, the bed on which Loki used to hold you, on which you talked to him for hours, on which he made love to you and said things no one else ever did. But you just left and rather climbed on the rooftop. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

Where in the world’s the forgotten?
They’re lost inside your memory
You’re dragging on, your heart’s been broken
As we all go down in history.


You still didn’t tell anyone about it. But you had this feeling that things were slowly, very slowly getting better. You started to embrace that this is how it happens sometimes. People die and they leave  broken hearts behind themselves. And honestly, to love someone like Loki never had a chance for a happy ending. It was hard not to feel whole. Something was missing and it wasn’t easy living with this constant reminder of Loki’s death.

Like soldiers from a long lost war
We share the scars from our abandon
And what we remember becomes folklore.

But how empty would your heart be now, not being Loki taking you with him that time? You opened your eyes only to see a first few snowflakes, ending their path on your jacket. You smiled a little. And at that moment, you knew it was worth it. The pain, the broken heart and everything you’ve been through, it was all worth that feeling you experienced when you fell for him.

Well, don’t look away from the arms of a bad dream
Don’t look away, sometimes you’re better lost than to be seen
Don’t look away from the arms of tomorrow
Don’t look away from the arms of a moment
Don’t look away from the arms of love.

"I guess everything is getting better darling,” you whispered and took a deep breath again, “but this is going to be a long life without you, Loki Laufeyson.”



“You brought light into my life and chased away all the darkness.” - I borrowed this quote from Rumplestiltskin. Credit to Once Upon a Time writers. 

What I’ve learned after TTC for five years..
  •  I have spent a small fortune on pregnancy and ovulation tests (unfortunately not the cheapies or dollar store tests :/ )
  • When people don’t know what to say to you when discussing infertility the cringe worthy “When it’s meant to happen, it will” or just as painful as nails on a chalkboard “Once you relax you will get pregnant!” will usually be their go to response. Even so, they mean well. They often feel just as powerless as we do. Same goes for mothers day. I heard countless “By this time next year….” this past mothers day. 
  • While not politically correct at times, my family can bring humor to my struggle. An example would be my brother interrupting a conversation I was having with my mother on a family members new pregnancy with “Just goes to show you the more stupid you are, the more fertile you are!”
  • People will also mistaken the sadness you feel from the battle of infertility with bitterness and jealousy over others pregnancies and children
  • That I shouldn’t get attached to baby names until I am actually pregnant. (three choices have already been used)
  • That I am far more capable of managing stress than I thought I was. 
  • To never, ever use the recommended dosage of Pre-seed!!! (Funny but frustrating then…. completely hilarious now!)
  • My marriage is rock solid. That man is not only the love of my life, but also my protector and he has been so patient and kind during this battle. He makes sure to remind me baby or no baby, we are and will always be a family. 
  • Pain is not a competition. Someone will always have the capacity to hurt more than you do, no ones pain is more important than someone elses.
  • Sometimes a good cry is exactly what you need.
  • Stepping away from social media, even just for a few hours or a couple of days can be soothing. 
  • Shopping for other peoples babies and children is incredibly therapeutic for me. 
  • Shaving before internal ultrasounds is more of a priority than shaving before sex lol
  • You can never let the spark dull. Sex has to be fun. It can feel like a chore at times ( ironically on my most fertile days during some cycles ) but if it’s not fun or intimate what’s the point?
  • When it starts to feel too scheduled, there’s nothing like taking a night off and getting drunk together or experimenting with sex toys
  • Pinterest is a bittersweet addiction when your TTC but boy will I have great announcement and nursery ideas!
  • And time does not heal all wounds.
Queenies, let's try to stay positive, alright?

So, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but according to Brian’s website, he’s undergoing urgent tests for cancer:

‘Around Christmas I’ve been having a succession of blood tests, ultrasounds, and various kinds of scans, to see if they could rule out various kinds of cancer.

'Now, on hearing the “C” word something happens inside you … of course. I’ve seen so many of my dear friends fighting it … and my Dad lost his battle at age 66, exactly the age I am now. So over the last few days I’ve been in various states of unrest.“

(From BrianMay.com).

And why should we stay positive?

  1. Because being negative will only scare us more. I know you guys are sad and scared, and so am I - I’ve lost family members to cancer, and had tests for cancer last year, so I know how scary it can be. But let’s try to stay positive, alright? we’re here for each other, we can support each other and help each other, but I do believe that being negative wouldn’t help us.
  2. Because Brian is staying positive. We call him our inspiration, right? because he is. So let’s use him as our inspiration one more time and take example from him. Let’s try to stay positive and tell ourselves that it’s nothing serious, rather than imagining the worst.
  3. Because he needs us to be positive. Positive or not, everyone’s scared when they hear something like this, and I think that right now he needs us stronger than ever (especially because of his dad), now that he knows how much we love him. So please, let’s do our best, for him - alright?
  4. Because cancer doesn’t automatically means death. It depends on so many things.

If praying helps you, pray.  I’m not going to make you to because it’d be pointless, but if you find it important and if it helps you - go ahead.

And don’t forget that we’re all here for each other, and if anyone needs a hug or needs to talk about it I’m here for you, lovelies. We’re here to help each other to stay strong.

We’re family, aren’t we?

Dean

With all the speculations for season 10, and all the metas and battles that have been fought, I have to say that I am really very sad. Mostly because of how Jensen’s explanations of the “I’m proud of us” scene really hit me.

I knew what Dean was saying with that one line, but the other part of it, I didn’t really think about and I totally got all teary over it and it killed me. 

The Dean Winchester that most of us have loved for 9 seasons is dead. He laid down his sword with those 4 words, and died. There is something so profoundly heavy about that. There was so much that, that Dean will never do. Probably deep down dreams and hope that will never bee fulfilled. And at the end how much of that Dean was our Dean. A Dean not directed by the mark he took. 

While I am hopeful for the coming season, hoping for the new Dean to weather his storm, and come out a changed man, a changed brother, and changed person, and maybe even happier.

There is part of me that will mourn our Dean, the man who just did what he had to do, the man that loved his brother to crippling degrees, the man that was almost 40 but at times could enjoy the simple things like a 10 year old boy. 

Mental illness. A realization. Lessons learned.

People who have mental illness, like myself. We can say we are having a bad mental health day. We can try our best to describe to people what’s going on with us and why were acting a certain way, even though we ourselves are struggling and unable to barely comprehend what’s going on with us. If we do something that is considered to be inappropriate or wrong, whatever mishap you can think of. Like say acting out in uncontrolled anger and spurting out some mean verbal stuff in the moment because we’re upset, over whelmed, angry or feeling really hyper sensitive and people can still be like “it doesn’t matter, your actions were wrong and inappropriate and you are thus hence forth labelled a bad person. An unbalanced person. An insane person. A person who isn’t worthy of forgiveness or being understood because you use your illness as a crutch to do bad things and get away with it” that’s the attitude I’ve come across numerous times in my life. The lesson I’ve come to learn is that no matter how hard we, the people who have mental illness try to get the world to understand us and what’s going on with us and why were acting out or doing things that are considered inappropriate. We will never truly be accepted by society completely. As far as most people are concerned. Or so I’ve learned from my own experience. we are the outcasts. We are the screwed up ones who will never fully be understood because people either A: don’t care enough to want to understand or B: they cannot relate or have been raised to think of mental illness as a weakness, something to be ashamed of and kept hidden. I will always be judged for my mistakes, the bad moments in my life where I succumbed to my mental illness, had a moment of weakness and ended up doing something or saying something stupid out of anger and confusion. When I am unfortunately over taken by my pain and internal demons I can and have acted in a less than pleasant manner which I am regretful for and I wish I could take back the mistakes and harm I’ve caused but I can’t. I can only strive to better myself and not repeat the same mistakes again. I’ve learned that one bad moment can define us forever in the eyes of others. It just makes me so sad you guys. To be thought of as a lesser being for something we are born with or something that developed due to traumas and abuses, or  both. Something that is literally out of our control. It hurts me. It hurts others. I was born screwed up from the start and the horrible things/traumas and abuses I went through didn’t make it any better or easier for me. I’m proud to say I’m a survivor and still fighting but it’s a hard battle. If only the world could see a persons soul. If only we could see each other deeply in a way where we could be like “awe, this person is over come with so much sadness, hurt and suffering. I want to help this person. How can I hep.” I wish I could be there for others who have suffered and are suffering and help them heal but the healing is for us to do. Support is what we need. A compassionate ear. A shoulder to lean on. Some understanding. I am here for anyone who needs a compassionate ear. I always will  be. You are not alone. Stay strong dear ones. Take it a day at a time and know that even though it may seem like a dark time for you, it will eventually lighten up. I am always grateful for the good moments in life and i’m also grateful to still be here, alive and fighting to live the kind of life I deserve. I know I am worthy even though some days I don’t think I am. I know we are all worthy of happiness. 

Let me just start by saying I had typed out a whole thing and my internet shut down on me, so take 2, because this just added to the entire night LOL

Sometimes I just want to scream, ‘YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE BEING FOOLED BY THE CONSTANT SMILING AND LAUGHTER BECAUSE I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN FACING HELL MOST DAYS THIS YEAR AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA. NO IDEA. BABY ME, PLEASE. BATHE ME IN HUGS AND WARM BLANKETS.’

Sorry not sorry for having a little pity party for myself on my blog. Lol. Laughing and crying because–

My night consisted of walking 4+ miles in the torrential, down pouring rain in the city, for a 15 minute doctor’s appointment, I commuted for 3 hours total. My shoes were water logged, my socks completely drenched, my entire backpack soaked (as well as the things inside of it) even WITH an umbrella. Showed up to my doctor’s appointment with water dripping from my clothes, umbrella, and jacket.

Finally arrived back at my town’s train station to find the school shuttle once AGAIN was inaccurate and left. The next one wasn’t coming for over another hour, so I had to walk back to my school in the pouring rain, and literally just completely broke down into sobbing tears and it was the ugly type, like so ugly, thank goodness it was dark out because people definitely would’ve asked if I was ok lol

And I’m just walking in the pouring rain, crying, soaked, exhausted, very sad, wondering how I have ended up where I am, everything that I’ve been facing and battling, which I really don’t share the full extent of to anyone, not on here either, and somehow in the midst of all of this crying and exhaustion and darkness and rain I can hear God chuckling at me, smiling, pointing to me in my little state of pathetic-ness, saying to me, ‘Silly girl, this is all part of something incredible that is in the works.’ Like I literally stopped multiple times on the sidewalk in the rain and like stomped my foot and was like ‘YEAH?????? KEEP LAUGHING OKAY I’LL SHOW YOU WHEN I AM BACK FULL FORCE’

But still I continued to sob and sob and sobbed all the way back to my dorm room and had to apologize to the person letting me into my building as I said ‘hello’ through tears lol and still I’m sitting here smiling and laughing and crying in my gray sweat jumpsuit finally in my bed after a good cry in the shower, knowing, STILL understanding that something greater is on the horizon.

There are a lot of sad things happening right now so I am going to share a little bit of happy news. 

My friends 7 year old nephew celebrated beating leukemia today. He is cancer free after an over three year battle. His parents brought a petting zoo to their farm for him to celebrate. A little boy gets his first cancer free Christmas since he was 4 years old.