i am so proud that this is my first post

vimeo

Oh look, it’s the reason I didn’t have a social life in the past few months.
*cough* I mean this is the first animated short film Sarah, Maya and I worked on, I’d love to hear what you think! :D
Quite proud how it turned out, if I am being honest.

BTS The Wings Tour in Chicago

(warning: long post)


  • ARMY singing to the MVs before the concert even starts
  • when all the armys around me laugh when they announce no photos/videos allowed :)
  • not today was NOT OKAY 
  • YOONGI REMOVING HIS EARPIECE TO HEAR US
  • IM YOUR HOPE
  • THEIR ENGLISH
  • baepsae and then dope like wow kill me less than 20 min in
  • hoseok dance break in baepsae
  • FANCHANTS!!!!!! IM SO PROUD!
  • THE SOLOS
  • DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED
  • JUNGKOOK’S DANCING/FOOTWORK/EVERYTHING WAS PERF
  • CHIMCHIM being lifted up like my soul rising to heaven because i am deceased
  • MY BIAS YOONGI AND FIRST LOVE IM CRYING
  • he looked like he was tearing up
  • it was so emotional and powerful
  • CHICAGO AINT SLEEPING ON NAMJOON MAN
  • chanted his name before his solo, and then “we love you” after “i wish i could love myself”
  • TAETAE’S VOICE IS DAMN AMAZING HE KILLED IT AT STIGMA
  • i severely underestimated how high it goes shame on me
  • JHOOOOPPPEEEEEEE
  • there were baby pictures playing in the back and i want to cry he’s so cute
  • JIN MY HANDSOME BB SO BEAUTIFUL
  • armys singing along
  • shoutout to all the backup dancers in the solos btw
  • CYPHER
  • I REPEAT, CYPHER
  • OMG CYPHER
  • they were so into in and everyone killed it and wow remembering it as i type this is getting me hyped
  • rap monster is RAP monster for a reason
  • hoseok had glasses im crying
  • YOONGI MY BIAS MY BB 
  • his voiCE
  • all of them jumping and dancing around the stage 
  • armys chanting the chorus
  • fire was fire obv
  • chanting BTS in the beginning of mnet wow
  • YOONGI SHOUTING (growling) LOUDER 
  • just take my voice and my throat why dont you
  • and my soul
  • giant mashup of old songs (as Jin calls it, “the history of bts) killed me
  • when army tried to do jungkook’s part of no more dream
  • “HAKUNA MATATA”
  • so much hype
  • jin taking someones army bomb 
  • they were all jumping up and down
  • 21 CENTURY GIRL ONE OF MY FAV SONGS
  • IT WAS SO LIT
  • hearts and blowing kisses during “you” “you” you” part
  • “now scream!” *crowd goes freaking crazy*
  • jimin and jungkook being excessive 
  • “let it goooOOOOO”
  • i said it once and i’ll say it again…THEIR ENGLISH
  • “Will you be with us until the end” -Rapmon
  • HOSEOK BOY MEETS EVIL I WAS NOT OKAY
  • Yoongi having armys do his part in BS&T
  • RAINBOW OCEAN
  • THE RAINBOW OCEAN COMBINED WITH US CHANTING BTS
  • IT WAS BEAUTIFUL
  • jungkook bunny ears and jhope shark hat what cuties
  • dance cut/battle with the members during outro
  • Yoongi giving a thumbs up
  • LETS TAKE A MOMENT TO REALIZE THAT RAPMON CALLED JIMIN “CHIMCHIM”
  • jin and his flying kisses
  • they were able to walk around chicago (the aquarium, the water tower, michigan lake)
  • IF I HAVE TO LIVE IN AMERICAI HAVE TO LIVE IN CHICAGO” -KIM NAMJOON 170329
  • “We will meet again” -taetae
  • “You are our wings. lets fly higher together” -hopie
  • “we are always together” -kookie (note rm teased him by saying he was memorizing that a thousand times)
  • a very emotional and beautiful 2! 3!
  • HIGH NOTES!
  • spring day was amazing of course
  • encore i want to cry 
  • THATS IT
  • OVERALL AMAZING BEAUTIFUL FABULOUS
  • THANK YOU BTS
  • (shoutout to fans to made banners, passed out bags for the rainbow ocean, as well as food along the lines)
Deadly Secrets

(gif credit to the creator)

Part One

Master List

Pairing: Jared x Reader
Word Count: 1,026
Warnings: language, death, homicide
A/N: Here’s the first part of my new Jared series! Just a fair warning that this is very dark and angsty, if you feel like that is too much for you then I would skip this. I am super proud of this story and I am so happy it’s finished and I can finally start posting it for you guys. Italics are flashbacks. If you’d like to be tagged let me know, in an ask (it’s the best way for me to keep track)! Hope you guys like it! Anyway, feedback for this is crucial! :)

Keep reading

2

Forget Me Not - A Beauty and the Beast Klance fic

Chapter 1: Bear With Me

I am pleased to announce that - after a month of on and off writing, writer’s and artist’s block alike, and quite a bit of struggle with some personal stuff - that I can finally post the first chapter of this fic! I’ve been so excited for it and I am so proud for how it came out. Shout out to my beta Sabrina @lilliputiantestinggravity and all her beautiful commentary and sobs alike.

Lance lives in a small town with his family and dreams of adventure and better life. But since his father’s death, all of his time has been spent working to get his family some extra money or helping his mother take care of his younger siblings. When one of his sisters gets lost, he has to brave the dark forest to find her, and comes across the castle that lives in the heart of the woods. It looms over him, draped in sharp shadows and tangled with thick vines adorned with countless thorns, abandoned.

Or so he thinks.


Today’s forecast:
Two lost boys who find themselves through each other, with a chance of angst, showers of fluff in the evening.

Art is copyrighted by me, I do not own any canon Voltron characters or the Beauty and the Beast concept. Do not repost anywhere or use without permission.

What it is like being a studying poc with anxiety to the highest capacity and how I deal with it.

The first thing I have to tell you is that - your family may not understand and that is okay. Do not blame them for not understanding what anxiety is, the environment you grew up in and the environment they grew up in are completely different, also we have different pressures that we are facing. For example, my father and his entire family were fleeing a genocide - and the last thing on their mind was mental health and personal care. However, as a first generation living in the United Kingdom - mental health is the most important thing to me and being students, I know we put a world’s worth of pressure on succeeding and doing well. This may not always be good for us (unless you work well under pressure, do you). 

Let me just talk a bit about my anxiety here. It is mostly situational anxiety - for example when it comes to exams or public speaking (my role on the school head girl team meant I had to just literally speak publicly every other day - I will make a separate post about this and how I overcame that fear) exam season and revision. 

These tips won’t make anxiety go away completely, but studying with anxiety can be made easier - yes, I know it sounds insane, but it has really worked for me. 

1. Make your desk a safe space. 

Make your desk as soothing for your anxiety as possible. This may include having some plants around, decorating your desk with a particular theme - make it work for you! Let the theme be relaxing, have pictures of the ocean! Let it completely sooth you when you sit down to study. I personally have my desk next to a window so I can get fresh air when I need it. That is another thing… Let yourself breath - do not make your desk too cluttered, have it super minimalist, the less you feel claustrophobic the better. 

2. Try and get into a routine. 

This is does not always work for me because I work in bursts - but it has worked for many of my friends. When you have a routine, you won’t feel blindsided when you have to study - for example, I get super anxious when I can feel the amount of work I need to do. But if you have a routine, you know that you are studying at this specific time and nothing is being thrown in your direction - you can plan for it therefore remain completely in control. 

3. Avoid caffeine - seriously. 

I know that coffee looks super cute for the aesthetic tumblr photos but - avoid it at all costs! Caffeine is a psychoactive drug.  Lets call it what it is and it is mega terrible for your anxiety. It will cause and/or exacerbate your anxiety symptoms. I can not stress this enough, stay away from caffeine. 

4. Take your medications - if you have been subscribed them!

I am not ashamed to tell the world, loud and clear - I am on Propranolol for when my anxiety becomes uncontrollable (lets start publicly making it ok and safe for people to take medications without any stigma please, thanks). Yes, it is a super strong tablet. For those who do not know, its a beta blocker and it stops you from physically having a panic attack by keeping your heart at a consistent rhythm or beat I don’t know the correct terminology (medblrs come through) - do not be ashamed, be proud that you are taking the necessary steps to gain control again. 

5. Take regular walks and control your breaking.

I walk to the breaths I take - a bit like walking to a beat, but its more relaxing. With anxiety, breaking is the key to mastering it. Master your breathing! I’ve noticed that being deeply connected to my breathing means I sense any tension in my body and sensing tension is the first step to identifying if you are feeling anxious or if you feel a panic attack coming on. 

6. Keep a close eye on your stimuli! (Yes, I did just rhyme)

What is making you anxious? Do you have triggers? If you do - learn to minimise contact with them. Be it a person, a place, an object. You do not need to stay in environments that make you feel uncomfortable (unless you are forced to stay - for example dealing with anxiety in class, I’ll make a another post about how to deal with that) I had a friend who used to make me super anxious and I don’t spend that much time with her anymore simply because she wasn’t good for my mental health. Which brings me to my next point - people can be triggers to your anxiety and staying away from them is OK. 

I don’t know if this is helpful but if even one person benefits from this - putting myself out there and owning my anxiety disorder is so worth it. Suffering from anxiety is hard, it is really hard and I just want to say - to all those who suffer from anxiety, you are going to be ok. Whatever coping technique you have or however you deal with it, I am proud of you and you are doing great. 

My message box and ask is open to you. Sometimes talking to another sufferer is easier - I understand and I’ve got you, message me, rant to me! It is better out than in. 

This is my first - really official post on tumblr and I want to know if this was helpful, please give me feedback. I want to learn how I can help and get the message out there more effectively. 

And because it is my first post - I’m going to tag some of my favourite blogs (not the most subtle introduction haha, but super important)

@elkstudies @nehrdist @princess-of-positivity @quilavastudy @rookistudies @smartstudies @studydiaryofamedstudent @studyign @studyingdaisies @tbhstudying @alimastudies @studie-s @studyfulltime @jiyeonstudies @nicoles-studyblr @mochi-studies @littlestudyblrblog @lentilstudies @inspostudying @fromquantumfluctuations @elsastudies @cardiacstvdies @bstudies

photo credit to @serendipikitty

You Should Get That Looked At
  • *I wrote this for the kink meme; the prompt was 'Prompto accidentally sends a dick pic to Ignis instead of Gladio'. I am very proud of how this ridiculous little thing turned out so I'm un-anon'ing to post it here for the lolz.*
  • Prompto: DUDE I'M SO SORRY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO GLADIO OMG
  • Ignis: I could have done without seeing that first thing in the morning. Have you always had that mark, though?
  • Prompto: what mark
  • Prompo: wait what
  • Ignis: The mark on the underside of your penis.
  • Prompto: what mark?!? i don't study the bottom of my dick, okay?!
  • Prompto: and dude stop calling it that
  • Ignis: Perhaps you should get it looked at by a doctor. It could be a sign of a very bad medical condition.
  • Prompto: ARE YOU KIDDING? DUDE WHAT?! WHAT MEDICAL CONDITION? WHAT DO I DO?
  • Ignis: It's a fairly serious one, I wouldn't want you to suffer later.
  • Prompto: DUDE I CAN'T GO TO A DOCTOR FOR MY JUNK I'LL COMBUST INTO FLAMES, JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO
  • Ignis: You could always try the home remedy. I hear it's very effective.
  • Prompto: TELL ME IT
  • Prompto: I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A DICK DISEASE IGGY
  • Ignis: Mix oatmeal and honey with a cup of water. Apply the paste and leave on for fifteen minutes.
  • Prompto: OKAY, I DID IT, HOW DO I KNOW IF IT WORKED
  • Ignis: ...you actually did it?
  • Prompto: OF COURSE I DID, I DON'T WANT A DICK DISEASE
  • Prompto: WAIT
  • Prompto: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'YOU ACTUALLY DID IT'????
  • Ignis: You're in no danger of a disease, Prompto. That's a mole.
  • Prompto: DUDE WTF I HATE YOU
  • Prompto: I STUCK MY DICK IN OATMEAL FOR YOU
  • Prompto: YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
  • Ignis: I do believe I'll screenshot that portion and send it on to Gladio, just for fun.
  • Prompto: NO DUDE DON'T
  • Prompto: I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I HATE YOU BUT NOT LIKE THAT
  • Ignis: Oh, I know. But perhaps next time you'll double check the number to which you're sending your 'dick pics'.
  • *~~~~~*
  • Gladio: prompto
  • Gladio: do i want to know why you stuck your dick in oatmeal for iggy
  • Prompto: KILL ME NOW PLEASE

steves-bitch  asked:

Just read all of your writing at once oops 🙈 is it alright if I request something? Would you be able to write about Harry being nervous for the missus to hear Sign Of The Times and she starts to cry and he thinks she's disappointed but she's just really proud of him? Xx

I’d written such a great response to this on my phone and I….accidentally deleted it.. but I did rewrite to the best of my ability and though I really loved he first one, I hope this is good and that you’ll enjoy it and I just want to say a massive thank you to you for reading my work and being so lovely, thank you so so much and I hope you enjoy! (Ps. I apologize for typos and terrible separation between paragraphs, I am posting from my phone lol)

////

You weren’t sure what to expect.

Harry had been working on his album for months, pouring over his notebooks and staying in the studio for hours and hours on end to perfect every little detail. He was a dedicated musician and you were extremely proud of him even if you hadn’t heard a single song yet. There had been times where you heard him humming melodies in the kitchen, swaying his hips with a concentrated look on his face while he made tea. You’d heard bits of things on the piano, the sound traveling through his house in the middle of the night as he played, trying to get the perfect sound from his new favorite hobby. You’d loved everything you’d heard so far and you had a few of the tunes stuck in your head, but you weren’t really prepared when he pulled you into his studio/office to listen to the song he’d chosen as his single. You were a little nervous as you sat in his office chair, waiting as he explained himself to you. He nervously babbled, his words trailing off as he waved the large headphones around. But you had faith in him, you weren’t nervous about the song at all. You knew it would be perfect. You were really nervous about your reaction. You knew that it would bring tears to your eyes, you didn’t doubt that.

When he finally handed he headphones over and pressed play after stalling for a few more moments, you were blown away. It was perfect right from the start and with every second that passed and every word that was sang you could feel the tears staring to burn your eyes. It was a breathtaking song. The piano, the words, the production. You loved it all. And the proof was leaking from your eyes.

“S'it that bad then?” Harry let out a nervous chuckle, reaching up to tug at his bottom lip. “I have a few other songs I was thinkin’ about for the single if this one isn’t any good.”

“Harry,” You cooed, taking the headphones off, setting them aside with a soft smile. “It was beautiful.”

“Yeah?” He asked, looking at you as he fidgeted. “It’s not too long?”

“Not at all,” You shook your head, standing up as you wiped at your wet cheeks. “I loved all of it, honestly. The piano, the build up, the words -oh my goodness, H, the words- it was all beautiful.”

“You really think so?” He smiled, relieved as the sparkle in his eyes returned. You nodded, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I am so proud of you, Harry. It takes a lot of guts to put your heart and soul out there and you did it in such a beautiful way at that. I’m so proud of you, H. It’s wonderful and I think everyone will love it.”

“I’m just glad yeh love it,” He smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Your opinion means a lot to me.”

“Really?” You tilted your head to the side as he tightened his grip on your sides.

“If yeh didn’t like it, it probably wouldn’t have made the album love,” He chuckled softly.

“Harry,” You said softly, his cheeks going pink as you smiled. You sighed softly, shaking your head as he smiled wider. “You know, I’m more excited to see Anne’s reaction. If you think my tears were bad, I’m sure she’s going to sob.”

“I’m more worried about Robin!” Harry pulled back, his eyes going wide. “Remember when I told him about the movie? Took the piss outta me for weeks!”

“He does it because he loves you,” You chuckled, remembering how Harry would huff out every time his step father made a joke, Harry himself trying not to laugh at the sharp wit of Robin. “You know, if I was going off to war, I’d want you to be the one to wave me off.”

“Thanks love,” He giggled, rolling his eyes. “I have a few other songs ready if you’d like to give them a listen? I know I’ve been a bit secretive with everything the last few months, but if you want to hear them, I think I’m ready to share.”

“I’d really love that, H.”

Burn (Alexander Hamilton x Reader)

Originally posted by heaven-by-the-sea

Summary: You had always thought you and Alexander lived a fairy tale happily ever after life, but one day when you receive a document called “The Reynolds Pamphlet,” your entire world is flipped upside down.

Warnings: Mentions of cheating, and I would say it’s on the more angsty side of fanfiction.

Time Period: Hamiltime

Words: 1540

A/N: Hello! I am so excited to be posting my first story ever. My inspiration was obviously the song “Burn” and the idea of Alexander being in the room when this all went down. I’m proud of myself for how it turned out, and I hope you feel the same way. Please don’t hesitate to let me know what you thought or to request a story. Have a wonderful day!

As you walked through the town, basket in hand, you enjoyed the warm rays from the sun. You had no idea that in a matter of minutes, your entire world would be completely turned upside down. The whole time you walked down the street, it felt like every pair of eyes were focused on you. And you swore you kept hearing whispers of, ”Have you read this?”

Before you could continue down your path, you were stopped by a man whom you had never met. Not even saying a word, he shoved a thick pamphlet in your hand with an apologetic look, and hurried away. You looked down at the paper and rolled your eyes. “The Reynolds Pamphlet” as it was called was written by your husband. What political debate could he be getting himself into now?

Once you found a nearby bench to sit on, you began to flip through the pamphlet given to you. Still confused as to why this was the source of such gossip you began to look for highlights in your pamphlet. Suddenly, you felt like you couldn’t breathe, and it wasn’t because of your corset; you finally discovered what all the fuss was about.

“…had a torrid affair with Mrs. Maria Reynolds, with her husband’s knowing consent.”

“I had frequent meetings with her, most of them at my own house.”

“While Mrs. Hamilton and our children were absent…”

You were now one hundred percent sure that every single person in the street was staring at you, clutching the paper in your hand, tears streaming down your face. In a state of rage, you crumbled the pamphlet up in your hand and threw it to the ground. Next, you stood up and took off as fast as considered publicly acceptable to reach your home.

Reaching your destination, you threw open the door and ran upstairs to the privacy of your bedroom. Instantly, you collapsed at the foot of your bed, sobs racked your body. Your chest heaved up and down as you tried to calm your breathing. A million thoughts were racing through your mind, and you were trying to sort through all of them. The most important being why did Alexander do this?

Was he tired of being with you? Did he regret asking for your hand in marriage, and later starting a family with you?

A tug in your heart pulled you towards a small chest on your dresser with (y/n) engraved on the top. You gently picked it up and walked in front of the fireplace, starting it up. With tears still flowing down your face, you opened the lid and stared down at the letters resting inside.

They were the all the letters Alexander had ever written from the moment you began to court. And while that was a lot of letters, each and every one held a special meaning to you. You dug through the stack until you reached the bottom and grabbed the letter. It was the first letter Alexander had ever written you. At the time, you felt so in love, but now you were not so sure.

Now holding the letter at eye level, you examined each line and tried to find clues; warning signs that you should have noticed. In the middle of your examination, the bedroom door opened and Alexander stepped in. He hung up his coat and made is way over to you, to see what you were doing.

By the glow of the fire, he could see the tears resting on your cheeks, and in an instant, he was kneeling right next to you, engulfing you in his strong arms.

“What’s the matter, (y/n)?” he questioned as he wiped away the tears with the pad of his thumb.

“You know,” you began quietly so you wouldn’t give away your cracking voice. “I had thought you were mine from the beginning of our relationship, but I guess I was wrong.” you admitted.

“What are you talking about, darling? Of course I am yours. I always have been and I always will be.” Alex shook his head, laughing lightly at the absurdity of your statement.

“Really?” you questioned. “Then why did I seem to be the last to find out that you had an affair? And by reading it in your stupid pamphlet, no less!” you shouted accusingly.

“You-you-what-wait…” Alex stuttered, taken aback by what you had said.

Alexander knew in his heart and mind that there was no possible way for him to debate himself out of the argument that would surely follow. It was time that he owned up for his mistakes.

“I was so in love with the palaces that you built me out of your words that I was delusional enough to create a fantasy where we could live happily ever after.” you mused aloud, although more to yourself than to your husband.

“But we are living happily ever after. This home, our family, the fact that we have each other. That’s our happily ever after, it’s not a fantasy.” Alexander pointed out, hurt by what you had just said.

You stood up and took yourself out of his grasp, heading to the opposite side of the room just to be away from the man you loved. You were trying to mull everything over and decide what the right plan of action was.

It wasn’t probable for you to take your children and leave, it was unacceptable in society. And while you couldn’t stand the sound of Alexander’s name at the moment, you did not want to drag his name through the mud any more than it had already been. You would have to stay, but there were going to be some changes.

“I just have one question for you.” you started, staring out the window and smiled internally as you saw your children playing in the yard, oblivious to what was happening between their parents.

When he didn’t interrupt, you continued. “What made you think it was a good idea to publish the letters she wrote you? Was it because you are so obsessed with your legacy and paranoid how people look at you that you couldn’t stand the thought of somebody else exposing the affair?”

You waited with a battered breath for his response. It took a moment for Alexander to respond and in that time, you tried to convince yourself that none of this was real. So desperately you wanted to believe it was a bad dream you would soon wake up from.

“Yes.” Alexander answered, his voice almost inaudibly.

More tears pooled in your eyes as you covered your mouth in shock. Yes, Alex was always worried about his reputation, but you never thought he would go as far as ruining your lives just to fix his. At this point, your back was turned to him and all he could see was the shaking of your shoulders.

Tentatively taking a step forward, Alexander slowly approached you and rested his hands on your shoulders, trying to console you. Leaning his mouth close to your ear, he whispered. “I know that I broke your heart and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or trust ever again. But please, let me try to mend the pieces I broke.”

Quickly, you turned around and started at Alexander with a look of horror across your face. He thought it would be that easy? That he could just build more palaces and cathedrals out of words and all would be forgotten? Well he was sorely mistaken.

“No.” you shouted, boldly. “You forfeit all rights to my heart when you slept with Maria Reynolds. In fact, you forfeit your place in our bed. You can sleep in your office from now on, because I am not leaving, but I cannot share a room with you any longer. We may be married, but I am not your wife any longer.”

Guided by the pain and sorrow in your heart, you grabbed the stack of letters from your chest. Stalking towards the fireplace, you knew what you had to do. It was the only way you could begin to move on.

Slowly at first, but then more confidently, you tore the first letter that Alexander had ever written you and you threw it in the fire. Each letter met the same fate as you cried silently. Alexander stood off to the side and watched in horror at the scene that unfolded before him. He had caused you, normally such a sweet and caring person, to destroy the earliest symbols of the love you two shared.

For a moment, he thought he was imaging it, but Alexander heard your broken voice. “I’m burning the letters that might have redeemed you.”

When all the letters had been burned, you closed the lid to your chest and placed it back on your dresser. It felt like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders, but you still felt betrayed and destroyed. Marching up to Alexander, you stared him right in the eyes.

“Just like those letters, I hope that you burn.” you spat.

You turned on your heel and walked out of the room to visit your children, slamming the door behind you; leaving Alexander, with tears in his eyes, to think about what exactly he had destroyed.

~Charlotte

I’ve been a silent observer in the Reylo fandom since the very first time I saw TFA in December 2015, I don’t make edits, or post art or fanfics or anything like that. But I have never felt so welcomed by a group of people in my life. Our community is so talented, kind and supportive and I am so, so proud to call myself a Reylo, and all of us should be! So thank you all for this emotional roller-coaster of a journey! Here’s to TLJ and all of our shippers’ dreams coming true! 

Originally posted by datemisstravel

archiveofourown.org
Chapter One- Dear Connor Murphy                          Archive of Our Own
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

Just posted my first fanfiction ever and I am really proud of the first chapter!! Really hoping people will like reading it as much as I loved writing it.

Also please recommend titles. This one is a tiny bit generic, but I figured since it’s connors POV… It’s cool?

@astro-princey inspired me to write this and post it, so if you aren’t following him yet, go do it.

Why I treasure BIG BANG so much.

The first kpop group that I loved is BIG BANG. It was back in 2008 when I stumbled upon their MV for Haru Haru. It struck me, knowing that I was only in 6th grade by the time. Because of that (and since I had access to the internet), I searched for other Big Bang songs and I downloaded them. It was later that I realized that I am a V.I.P. 

This is my first ever kpop fandom. I am truly happy, and feel so blissful, because I did not initially like hiphop and korean songs prior to this. I knew that they were calling out to me. The message of their songs, the depth of their videos, the hilarious and emotional aspect of their personalities. They were complete, all rolled into 5 members. It was TOP who caught my attention the most. He was my first bias, in 2008. After I had just been introduced to anime. After that, I was a V.I.P., up until now, Feb. 9, 2017. 

Being a VIP gave me a rollercoaster ride. I had many doubts about my favorite group in years 2010 onwards, mainly because of their scandals. But I came to realize and know the truth. I forgave them, they are only people. Faults do not define people, but their actions do. And what are their actions so far? They have been the best group of boys I have ever witnessed. I can’t believe they’re real, to be honest. This group, is just so HUMAN, so REAL. I only saw this kind of friendship and bond in fiction, but this, THEY EXISTED IN REAL LIFE.

I loved, love, and will love BIG BANG with all my heart. I became stronger through them. I felt their struggles, and had went through 9 years of my life WITH BIGBANG. It was a journey. They may not know who I am, and they might not even know that I exist, but I just want everyone, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, to know that they played A HUGE PART IN MY LIFE. I would not be ME right now had I not known Big Bang. The values, the morals, the principles, my joys, my sorrows, my laughter, my emotions all have a part of Big Bang in them. They made an impact so strong to me, that I will never forget our boys, and I will always recount the 9 years (and counting) [that I have spent from elementary school, to highschool to college, and after college graduation] with BIGBANG. A person cannot truly know me if I failed to tell him/her about what made me. It is BIG BANG. 

I always had hobbies, obsessions, idols, and people whom I truly admire. Big Bang is on the TOP of that list. Other than family and friends, I have developed a bond with them, which makes them inseparable from my heart, soul, and mind. I liked other kpop groups, and other bands from other countries, but nothing touched my heart as much as Big Bang. So I just want to thank YG Entertainment also, for making bringing these 5 people, these 5 kindred souls together, and showing them to the world. I am proud of Big Bang and will be forever greatful to them, their music, and just their existence.

Predebut photo of my first ever OTP:

My fetus bias:

Big Bang who is my first love:


My favorite people in the world. Thank you for existing:


And of course, our forever sexy bingu art nerd, Seunghyun:

2

I’m graduating this upcoming week! Ahhh. I’m so excited. College has been rough (thanks, chronic illnesses), but I have loved my time here and will miss it dearly.

Here are a few pictures of my face. :)

[Images: the first photo is an up close of my face. I have blonde hair and green eyes, and am wearing a purple cap and gown and smiling up at the camera. The second photo is of me farther back; I’m wearing a white dress with blue flowers, my purple cap, and I’m leaning against my white cane which also has blue flowers on it. In the background is a bluestone building on my college campus.]

good things that happened today that prove life may not suck so bad after all:

• had a fancy bread for breakfast this morning. it had assorted fruit and some kind of cream on top of it and it tasted suuuper sweet and delicious
• told my little sister on the phone that i was coming home this weekend and she immediately screamed in excitement. it made me smile a bit
• caught up with some of the care e-mails @whelvenwings has been sending me. may or may not have laughed/cried throughout the whole process
• watched a lot of videos by my favorite youtubers that i’d been missing out on
• told some friends about my recently diagnosed mental illness and informed them about quitting med school soon. they responded (surprisingly) very nicely?
• one of them even offered me a position in his team for a neurological research that im not entirely oblivious about. thanked him for his offer and told him i might consider it at some point
• had noodles for dinner. it was the right amount of warm and spicy and it sat very nicely in my tummy
• spent 2 whole hours browsing through memes like The Cool Kid™ that i am
• realized that i’ve done a lot of things i should be proud of this week by putting myself first, for once
• you done good, citra
• you done good

Emotional post time!

The revelation that I am alive may seem like an obvious one, but that does not make it any less amazing. Something changed this weekend - I went away completely on my own for the first time ever, spoke to strangers without being nervous and had the confidence to approach the available cast of Endeavour for autographs and (in the case of Shaun Evans) a photo too. I wasn’t constrained by worry about work, or catering to other people. Everything was doing what I wanted on my terms and I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time.

I could have given up. I could have followed my instinct and dropped out of uni within the first few weeks and gone back to living with my family and working some dead-end job in my pokey little town. But Endeavour helped me stick with it and now I know what I want to do in the future and I am never letting anything hold me back ever again.
I feel so alive, and I am so damn proud.

10

“you stare at him, and he just stares right back. and that’s when the attack comes.”