i am so gay that i have rainbows in my veins

I am just so tired of colour...

I’m just so tired of fighting to be me.

I want to bleed the colour out of my veins, choke the rainbows out of my voice. I am just so tired of living a world through a coloured vision.

Every day this week, I have been left in tears at at least one point throughout the day. I haven’t felt this bad about my sexuality for years, but I’ve found myself wishing to be ‘normal’, to be straight, so, so badly this week.

I am just so tired of fighting for my existence. I am tired of having my sexual orientation used as entertainment, used as debate practice, used as a way to dehumanise people. A way to seperate people, to divide a country.

I just, for once, want to feel normal. Why can’t I just be normal? I can’t help but think just how much easier it would be if I wasn’t born with colour seeping through my veins. I could worry about normal things, like studying, and boys, but instead I’m plagued with the anxiety surrounding the announcement of the postal survey this Wednesday. Instead, I am filled with dread every time someone brings up the queer community. Instead, I feel rage and anger when people subscribe to casual homophobia, and when the poem I am studying for English uses the word “queer” to describe something odd, unusual, different; to create discomfort in the poem. I wish I wasn’t affected by these little things. I wish I could be as blissfully ignorant as those who use these words. I wish I didn’t flinch every time someone used casual homophobia. I just wish I wasn’t born this way.

I love girls so much, but I wish I didn’t. And I hate I have formed this feeling again. I hate it so damn much. I want to be proud, and out, and happy with who I am, but I can’t be. I didn’t realise until now how much I felt this. Looking back though, it’s pretty clear. I messed up with this girl earlier this year because of my fear and because of this aforementioned notion. I really, really liked her. But I was hesitant, and I was scared in public, and it wasn’t fair to her.  I used the first excuse she gave me to run the other direction. You see, in my head I believe I am proud of who I am, but in reality, I’m not. And I don’t know how to change that.

How do I combat my internal homophobia towards myself? It’s not that I’m homophobic - when I say gay couples, gay people, I get so happy. But when it comes to myself, I’m scared, and filled with this wish of being straight. I didn’t realise until now, but I’m still struggling to come to terms with my sexuality.

I’m just so scared. And I know I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions affect me, but I can’t help it. I just can’t help it. I am so affected by the homophobia around me, that it is starting to become a part of my inner monologue and I don’t know how to stop it.

I just, for once, want to be accepted; by my society, and by myself.

Why can’t I just be accepted?

I cannot even begin to discern a way to communicate how I feel. I am so fully aware of the sadness that will always have a place in my seemingly over sized heart, but it feels like happiness is bursting through my veins. I feel like I’ve been enclosed in a dark room with a large boulder blocking my way out, but over time I began to chip away and the cracks that started to form let in these little trickles of light into the blinding darkness that has surrounded me. It feels as though the door is finally breaking and I’m finding my way into the light. I am fully aware that once outside of this room there will be another and another and another until I’m 98 years old on my death bed walking into the last bit of light I’ll ever see. But this sunshine I feel on my face after what feels like a never ending hurricane? It’s like the light of the sun is meeting the rain of my storm and creating a rainbow and the pot of gold is my finally beating heart and a smile so bright that even a blind person could see it.
—  Twitter and IG @rachelmburgess