I am just so tired of colour...
I’m just so tired of fighting to be me.
I want to bleed the colour out of my veins, choke the rainbows out of my voice. I am just so tired of living a world through a coloured vision.
Every day this week, I have been left in tears at at least one point throughout the day. I haven’t felt this bad about my sexuality for years, but I’ve found myself wishing to be ‘normal’, to be straight, so, so badly this week.
I am just so tired of fighting for my existence. I am tired of having my sexual orientation used as entertainment, used as debate practice, used as a way to dehumanise people. A way to seperate people, to divide a country.
I just, for once, want to feel normal. Why can’t I just be normal? I can’t help but think just how much easier it would be if I wasn’t born with colour seeping through my veins. I could worry about normal things, like studying, and boys, but instead I’m plagued with the anxiety surrounding the announcement of the postal survey this Wednesday. Instead, I am filled with dread every time someone brings up the queer community. Instead, I feel rage and anger when people subscribe to casual homophobia, and when the poem I am studying for English uses the word “queer” to describe something odd, unusual, different; to create discomfort in the poem. I wish I wasn’t affected by these little things. I wish I could be as blissfully ignorant as those who use these words. I wish I didn’t flinch every time someone used casual homophobia. I just wish I wasn’t born this way.
I love girls so much, but I wish I didn’t. And I hate I have formed this feeling again. I hate it so damn much. I want to be proud, and out, and happy with who I am, but I can’t be. I didn’t realise until now how much I felt this. Looking back though, it’s pretty clear. I messed up with this girl earlier this year because of my fear and because of this aforementioned notion. I really, really liked her. But I was hesitant, and I was scared in public, and it wasn’t fair to her. I used the first excuse she gave me to run the other direction. You see, in my head I believe I am proud of who I am, but in reality, I’m not. And I don’t know how to change that.
How do I combat my internal homophobia towards myself? It’s not that I’m homophobic - when I say gay couples, gay people, I get so happy. But when it comes to myself, I’m scared, and filled with this wish of being straight. I didn’t realise until now, but I’m still struggling to come to terms with my sexuality.
I’m just so scared. And I know I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions affect me, but I can’t help it. I just can’t help it. I am so affected by the homophobia around me, that it is starting to become a part of my inner monologue and I don’t know how to stop it.
I just, for once, want to be accepted; by my society, and by myself.
Why can’t I just be accepted?