i am so bored but so dedicated to ignoring the real world~

I Could've Been Watching Goblin {TVD 8x11 Review}

OK! Hi all. For those who read my reviews you know I write this in real time which means any mistakes I make at the beginning might be cleared up in the end. There will be anti-Damon, anti-Delena, anti-Steroline, anti-Bamon sentiments. I will probably reference other shows and Julie’s blatant misogyny. If you don’t like it don’t read. This was done on my phone so beat with me. Let’s go.

1. So I don’t remember if this is from 8x09 or 8x10 when Sybil explains that opening the door from Cade’s world into this world will destroy everyone in this world but that is literally Buffy season 5.  Glory is a hell goddess who wants the key back into her dimension but if the key (who is Buffy’s sister) opens her world then the dimensions will bleed together and reality will cease to exist. LIKE??? Does Julie even know what an original thought is?

2. Is it supposed to be super evil that Cade killed Sybil and Seline?

3. So Bonnie doesn’t know what Cade looks like?

4. Cade is a petty villain. Him breaking up a couple’s marriage is like Katherine “breaking up” Tyler and Caroline because she slept with Klaus.

5. Damon is entirely annoying and I get that he’s supposed to be annoying Stefan by being all “my humanity is back!” but they’re BOTH boring me because HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE SEEN THIS? One of them chained or vevained or bleeding out or WHATEVER while the other is being the annoying brother being like “get your humanity back on!” like I’m OVER IT.

6. I could be watching Goblin now.  A show TVD could’ve used as a road map for interpersonal relationships.

7. “Contrary to your popular belief, it’s not all about you” that’s rich coming from Damon and from the show dedicated to centring everything around Damon.

8. So did Matt just get his job back? Like just like that?

9. “Left behind by the first settlers” so we’re just going to ignore that they would be colonizers then. I guess.

10. Lol Caroline’s other obligations is a time capsule?


12. So is Caroline just not going to be there to help get Stefan’s humanity back or…? I watched the “Inside ‘You Made A Choice To Be Good’” and Julie Plec said something along the lines of Caroline is living her life and just waiting out Stefan’s non-humanity because she’s over it and you know what if Stefan had chosen to turn off his humanity just for the fuck of it then I would be like Caroline, girl, do you but considering he did this for her daughters, I would like to see more commitment and not just “I’m staying positive.”

13. So Matt can say that it’s still Stefan who tried to get him to destroy the entire town but he can say that Damon turning and effectively killing Vicki is a long time ago, him murdering Tyler wasn’t him. OK true. Not transparent at all TVD.

14. It’s hard to keep giving him a pass. But Damon gets all the passes in the world? WHY?


16. Goblin is a Kdrama btw. Since my followers have been asking.

17. Ugh I every time I see BE I actually just groan.

18. Why is Damon giving him pancakes and not blood? Is Stefan not a vampire? Is he drying Stefan out? What’s the point of this?

19. I’m actually still really irritated that Matt said that he couldn’t keep giving Stefan a pass. Damon has killed so many people in this town. LIKE OMG. But Matt has a knack of blaming Stefan for shit that ISN’T HIS FAULT.

20. Also Matt calling intern dude and intern dude being like “I am a person not just your Wikipedia” is giving me Bamon vibes.

21. Oh my God, I am literally only 10 minutes in.

22. Oh his name is Dorian.

23. My anons keep telling me how Ian has these huge ass arms. I’m not seeing it.

24. The race track is giving me OTH vibes.

25. The twirl is cute, I will admit that. If there’s one thing BE can do, it’s Enzo twirling Bonnie.

26. But they just don’t have chemistry that it can sustain my interest.

27. Ugh Matt’s annoying me.

28. Cade is not intimidating.

29. There is SO MUCH TALKING.

30. Can they just get to when Stefan kills Enzo already?

31. Does Caroline work at The Grill?


33. Things are taking too long to happen.

34. I want to find Bonenzo cute but like … ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

35. People are talking a lot.

36. Wow, I found Damon mildly amusing in this scene. “I thought you promised you wouldn’t do anything stupid?” “When did I ever promise THAT?”

37. But Damon always does something stupid and people give him a pass but Stefan sacrifices and it’s hard to forgive him. Mmkay.

38. 21 minutes and 41 seconds.

39. The music is telling me that the stakes are super high but I don’t feel anything but boredom because people are JUST. TALKING.

40. No but seriously, does Caroline own The Grill or what?

41. “For generations we thought we were cursed” just like how the Whitmores thought they were cursed? Original, Julie. Also remember when the Whitmores weren’t cursed it just so happened that Damon was murdering all of them? But oh yeah that’s easy to forgive. My bad.

42. Talking talking talking talking

43. This is the final season though?

44. Stefan agreeing to kill Elena is too ridiculous for me to even be mad at it.

45. It actually just looks painful when Bonnie hugs Enzo like her arms are stiff.

46. “Your selflessness is part of what makes you you.” “Your humanity is the one thing who makes you who you are.” “Because that’s what makes you you.” How many times are we going to repeat the same sort of line?

47. BE kissing is just awkward.

48. Maybe run Bonnie? Like why are you walking? Like fam you’re taking for fucking ever. Enzo is no longer able to come into a house that you thought you owned. SHOULDN’T THAT BE A LITTLE I DUNNO SUSPICIOUS?

49. Don’t vampires have super speed? Like superhuman speed? I always thought a vampire would be faster than a car. So if Damon is so pressed about Stefan killing Elena like I would think he should just vamp speed to where he is.

50. Bonnie’s reaction to Stefan killing Enzo was anticlimactic. Stefan killing Enzo was anticlimactic. Bonnie turning Stefan human was anticlimactic because there wasn’t even a struggle. He just stands there!

51. Although I do find something poetic in the fact that Elena’s blood is in Stefan’s system.

52. I don’t care for Bonenzo but seriously Julie taking away Bonnie’s happiness at every turn is a blatant hatred of her character, I don’t give a shit if she says she gets an unexpected happy ending, the unexpected happy ending will probably be her and Enzo reunited in death or something.

53. Also Bonnie let out a psychic blast with her cry of pain like Cade did, if Bonnie becomes a next devil I will lose it. Or maybe her psychic world will be all angelic and shit and Enzo’s soul will be there and that will be her happy ending.

I was extremely bored this episode.  

Never let him stand between us

Based on a conversation I had with @once-upon-a-salty-empress….

Winter made a last once-over through her things, checking her belongings with a list she held in her hand. The mission she was going for wasn’t going to last long, few days-the General said- she did not need much and packed lighter than usual…

“You call this lighter?” she heard the incredulous voice of her husband coming from the door. She let out a sigh.

“I like to be prepared for unexpected” she said, finally closing her backpack “things happen on missions. Even the easiest ones”

Qrow grimaced at the word, but said nothing. There was no arguing with that statement and he knew it. She pulled the rucksack over her back and stuck the list in her pocket.

“Well, I guess it’s time to be off” she said “I still have to do some last check-ups and the report to the General. No time like the present”

She walked past Qrow but not without stopping to give him a small peck on the cheek

“Be good” she said “and try not to make a mess or blow up the house”

He scoffed at her

“I’m always tidy when I work” he said. She smirked and crossed her arms

“Really?” she asked “because last time I came to your workshop you were all in soot, polish and dust and I couldn’t wash those stains off my shirt”

“You were the one hugging me” he answered “nobody was forcing you, you know?”

She rolled her eyes at him.

“Yeah, yeah” she said “you are a total hot mess; but I really have to go now. I’ll see you in few days”

“See ya” he answered. She then turned around and walked away, her mind instantly focusing on her next task.

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The Presidents, as reviewed by a Drunk Person

George Washington: I’ve had some dreams I can’t describe in public about George Washington. 

John Adams: Old, boring, grumpy, and probably knew what he was doing. UGH. Has a boring HBO special dedicated to him, which was watched solely by people like him. 

Thomas Jefferson: President most likely to be related to Barack Obama. Wanted to be remembered for creating the most insufferably preppy school to exist outside of the Ivy Leagues because he sold out that hard. 

James Madison: Old, boring, grumpy, AND an owl. Remembered for the Federalist Papers, a bunch of documents created to torture first year Poli Sci majors. 

James Monroe: My boyfriend told me apparently he got his ass kicked by the English in the War of 1812. Or was it madison? I don’t know? What I do know if apparently during the war of 1812, they tried to take down DC but then Sharknado plus a tornado and a lightning storm wrecked the british because FREEDOM. Thank you history channel! 

John Quincy Adams: SIDEBURNS?
Andrew FCUKIN Jackson: Both the creator and embodiment of the “Florida Man.” Was a REAL dick to indians. OG End the Fed type before Ron Paul. Much like 50 cent, he got shot 9 times and still was standing. 

Martin Van Burien: Largely useless. Apparently is now on coins that can only be used on the metro. Subject of the most annoying Flo commercial ever produced , which is remarkable. HOW IS FLO FROM PROGRESSIVE STILL HAPPENING?

William Henry Harrison: A libertarian favorite in the sense that he did nothing in office and died of a cold 30 days later. 

John Tyler: The bougiest thing about me (rpp admin #2) is that I’ve been to a party with his great great grandson. Spoiler alert: they are still rich. 

James K Polk: Thanks to him, now we have tacos and margarita mondays! But also Arizona, which exists to make Alabama seem less racist. 

Zachary Tyler: Died in a mysterious boating accident. * 

(*Not true but don’t care)

Millard Fillmore: Known for accelerating the Civil War and being the Kansas of Presidents. Somewhat ironic considering he’s why Kansas nearly set Nebraska on fire. I am a proud member of his appreciation society. 

James Buchanian: Our first FABUUUUULOUS president if you get my drift. 

Abraham Lincoln: Odd looking giant with an unfortunate taste in musicial theatre. Basically your run of the mill beloved American tyrant. You can determine how much fried chicken someone consumes by their opinion on him. 

Andrew Johnson: Tough to follow Beyonce when you’re Souja Boy 

Ulysses S Grant: He has a fun name and that’s where the fun ends. Wins the Civil War by taking a poo on the American South (according to my southern friends). Mostly in over his head 

Rutherford B. Hayes: uhhhh I had to google this one. I guess he supported the gold standard and hated racists so that’s cool. 

James Garfield: He liked Lasagna. 

Chester Arthur: another president I had to google. Much like every new york republican, he had a flair for interior design and left nothing in the history books. 

Grover Cleveland: HE RODE A MOOSE THAT’S SO COOL. Wait…. that was teddy roosevelt. Okay, well apparently he was a “bourbon democrat” which I also enjoy bourbon. According to historians he was “tencious” (YOLO), brave, and didn’t really bother “Robber Barons.” (old timey code for corporations which is new timey code for “makin cheddar”) 

Benjamin Harrison: The cheese and ham of the Grover Cleveland sandwich. Gave us Hawaii, one of the few legitimate succession movements left. 

William McKinley: We’ve had a lot of owl presidents but he was our first inside job. 

Theodora Roosevelt: FINALLY. One I don’t have to Google! Should have been the first president in GQ. Rode a moose. Enjoyed riding scary large animals as much as he loved signing executive orders. Thank you for Yellowstone. Is the reason why John McCain was allowed to legally run for President. (Panama, fun FACT.) 


Woodrow Wilson: The namesake for the high school Ted Bundy went to. He lead us into World War 1, that conflict everyone’s APUSH teacher ignored. Widely likable yet probably worse than FDR, another well regarded World War president. 

Warren G Harding: Our nation’s first BRUH president. He was known for getting drunk, leaving work at 3pm, and gambling away the White House’s china. (I mean, who HASN’T?) His drunken nonsense lead to a TEENSY scandal where one of his bros stole like $64 million from the Veterans Adminstration. Naturally, he called that bro into the West Wing and choked him out because that’s how this dude rolled.

Calvin Coolidge: The most underrated conservative president of all time.

Herbert Hoover: So bad at economics, his name is associated with living in a tent by the river.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: THIS GUY IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST. How is this guy allowed to throw people in concentration camps (minus the mass murder) and gets to be considered one of the best presidents of all time? Ugh, I can’t deal with FDR. 

Harry Truman: Is the reason why we had Kim Jung il looking at Things. 

Dwight D. Eisenhower: He provided America the most ignored warning since William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. 

John F Kennedy: By far, our best looking President. Successfully navigated many crises that older men would have crumbled at. Member of the scariest, most Connecticuty political dynasty until the Bush-Walkers. He couldn’t handle Marilyn Monroe at her worst and then he died.

Lyndon B Johnson: There are too many obvious jokes here. Kind of a racist for being so pro-civil rights. It’s way too easy to accidentally call him “LGBT.”

Richard Nixon: “I MIGHT BE A CROOK.” 

Gerald Ford: meh. 

Jimmy Carter: Jimmy Carter is kind of like if your well meaning liberal neighbor who rides his bike to work became president. 

Ronald Reagan: The last time Republicans respected an actor’s opinions on politics before Clint Eastwood talked to a chair.


Bill Clinton: Bill Clinton was the president you wanted to grab a beer (and maybe a few shots with) before George W. Bush was a thing. 

George W. Bush: Iraq. Afghanistan. 9/11. Florida. A troubling and difficult presidency for a guy who just wanted to be baseball commissioner.

Barack Obama: Our first president in being African-American, a meme, and employing flying death robots.