i am self loathing

wild world condensed
  • good grief: death and how confusing it is
  • the currents: donald trump sucks and so does the media
  • an act of kindness: regret and self loathing
  • warmth: how to recover from 2016
  • glory: oHMYGOD WHAT IS ThIs bLESSInG
  • power: an abusive relationship??? the media is shit????? who knows not me but i hope no one hurt dan
  • two evils: again, more self loathing but slightly more optimistic self loathing
  • send them off!: religion, demons and jealously?? insecurity??
  • lethargy: anxiety (particularly about dying)
  • four walls: the song about a convicted murderer
  • blame: two gangsters fighting??? thanks dan for this deep meaningful song
  • fake it: idk man i suppose it's about how shit the media is?? (again)
  • snakes: more anxiety, this time about life in 2016 in general
  • winter of our youth: MORE self loathing and nostalgia and anxiety
  • way beyond: the media, if u didn't already know, is SHIT
  • oil on water: sex, but empowering sex. u go girl, u have all the sex
  • campus: don't stay in school kids y'all are wasting your time it's a trap
  • shame: bad blood 2.0, otherwise known as, "u were my best friend and then u changed and ur horrible now" (also, hidden self loathing)
  • the anchor: so yeah conclusion i hate myself but ily
I wonder if you ever felt like I abandoned you….  
If you ever thought I should have fought for you…

The truth of it is I never left.  
I’m still here.  
And I do fight for you - every single day.   
Not to win you…. not to trap you or cage you…  
But for your happiness.

I wage war on myself day in and day out for you.  
Tearing strips off myself, swallowing hatred and tears….  
So if you hate me because I abandoned you…. don’t worry…  
….. I hate myself for it too…
—  Ranata Suzuki
You are so selfish! You only think about yourself! You disgust me.

My parents, when I do something for my sake that they don’t percive as necessary.

Why is it wrong for me to care for and love myself? I always hated myself. I was full of self loathe. I always used to place my needs last, after yours. I gave and gave and gave. You took everything and gave nothing in return. I was ashamed no matter what I did. Self care, for me, was forbidden. You didn’t care if I had my reasons. I was always and only supposed to do what was going to benefit you. I am finally learning to love myself and I am learning to take care of myself, as a love-worthy human, and my future. It’s late but it’s not too late. You need to stop shaming me for this. You need to stop destroying me. I am important.

I am important.

I know I'm all to blame
  • Me: nobody likes me
  • Me: *doesn't go out*
  • Me: why should I try...
  • Me: *doesn't talk to people*
  • Me: socializing is hard
  • Me: *doesn't make an effort to stay in contact with friends*
  • Me: everything is too much of an effort
  • Me: *stops doing activities I love*
  • Me: I bet they secretly hate me I mean I hate me so why shouldn't they
  • Me: *pushes people away*
  • Me: *stays locked up in room*
  • Me: *spends free time staring into space*
  • Me: *starts self loathing*
  • Me: *realizes I'm all alone now*
  • Me: *regretting everything*
  • Me: I know I'm to blame...for lost friends wasted time....I can't get out its too far gone how do I fix myself ?
  • Me: How do I make friends ?
  • Me: Where did it all go wrong?
  • Me: *gives up*
  • Source: anx-skinnygirl-94

tfw u go to the same uni as your friend but he keeps hitting on u but ur a tsun mess

i love how i crop drawings cause im too lazy lmao

This is not a poem.
This is a list of things I have done wrong in the past year while trying to rectify other things I have done wrong.
This is not a poem.
This is me admitting, in a scribbled out note on a restaurant napkin, that I fall in love too easily.
This is not a poem.
This is me screaming to the sun about how I cannot live without the validation of your touch.
This is not a poem.
This is me proving how I reek of dependence and I am covered in self loathing.
This is not a poem.
This is an amatuer ballet dedicated to my dead heart being performed for a nonexistent audience.
This is not a poem.
This is me apologizing for what I have done to you.
This is not a poem.
This is me saying that I need you.

I love Steven Universe, a lot. I find it to be a better show than most others iIfind on TV. I love the characters a lot too, and relate to them. I want to be as strong as Garnet, and i want to have a good, healthy relationship like hers is. I also feel I am like Amethyst. I’m witty, funloving, but very self loathing. I almost hate myself every day. Pearl, I find her to be the opposite of me, sortof. She has issues she needs to fix, like I do, but she’s a perfectionist. Like Amethyst, I’m a messy person. Overall, the show helps me to express who I am and not to be afraid of myself. I really hope they show more good sides of the characters, especially amethyst.