i am self loathing

I wonder if you ever felt like I abandoned you….  
If you ever thought I should have fought for you…

The truth of it is I never left.  
I’m still here.  
And I do fight for you - every single day.   
Not to win you…. not to trap you or cage you…  
But for your happiness.

I wage war on myself day in and day out for you.  
Tearing strips off myself, swallowing hatred and tears….  
So if you hate me because I abandoned you…. don’t worry…  
….. I hate myself for it too…
—  Ranata Suzuki

anonymous asked:

"Men want objects. Women want PEOPLE." You REALLY need to stop hanging out within your confirmation bias bubble man. It's starting to like seriously fuck with your objectivity. If you can't see how sexist generalizing all men as being assholes while saying all women are decent and morally superior, you've seriously lost yourself. You need to take some time to think (I'm legitimately worried here, this is not trolling, I'm seriously concerned for your mental well being).

You do realize that I’m a cis man, right? And that I reblogged that post from another cis man?
Why is it that we can read something like that and fully comprehend that this wasn’t about us and you can’t?

That being said: my mental well-being is not at stake, fear not.

Duder, if you honestly believe that I’m of the mindset that ANY particular brand of person is better than another you probably have not actually held a conversation with me.
We can change that, though! My askbox is open if you’d like to something other than put me on blast!
Feel free to hit me up! or if you really feel threatened the “Unfollow” button is but a point-and-click away!

wild world condensed
  • good grief: death and how confusing it is
  • the currents: donald trump sucks and so does the media
  • an act of kindness: regret and self loathing
  • warmth: how to recover from 2016
  • glory: oHMYGOD WHAT IS ThIs bLESSInG
  • power: an abusive relationship??? the media is shit????? who knows not me but i hope no one hurt dan
  • two evils: again, more self loathing but slightly more optimistic self loathing
  • send them off!: religion, demons and jealously?? insecurity??
  • lethargy: anxiety (particularly about dying)
  • four walls: the song about a convicted murderer
  • blame: two gangsters fighting??? thanks dan for this deep meaningful song
  • fake it: idk man i suppose it's about how shit the media is?? (again)
  • snakes: more anxiety, this time about life in 2016 in general
  • winter of our youth: MORE self loathing and nostalgia and anxiety
  • way beyond: the media, if u didn't already know, is SHIT
  • oil on water: sex, but empowering sex. u go girl, u have all the sex
  • campus: don't stay in school kids y'all are wasting your time it's a trap
  • shame: bad blood 2.0, otherwise known as, "u were my best friend and then u changed and ur horrible now" (also, hidden self loathing)
  • the anchor: so yeah conclusion i hate myself but ily
I know I'm all to blame
  • Me: nobody likes me
  • Me: *doesn't go out*
  • Me: why should I try...
  • Me: *doesn't talk to people*
  • Me: socializing is hard
  • Me: *doesn't make an effort to stay in contact with friends*
  • Me: everything is too much of an effort
  • Me: *stops doing activities I love*
  • Me: I bet they secretly hate me I mean I hate me so why shouldn't they
  • Me: *pushes people away*
  • Me: *stays locked up in room*
  • Me: *spends free time staring into space*
  • Me: *starts self loathing*
  • Me: *realizes I'm all alone now*
  • Me: *regretting everything*
  • Me: I know I'm to blame...for lost friends wasted time....I can't get out its too far gone how do I fix myself ?
  • Me: How do I make friends ?
  • Me: Where did it all go wrong?
  • Me: *gives up*
  • Source: anx-skinnygirl-94

im gonna start a one-woman band called i hate myself and my first song will be i hate myself 1 and my second song will be i hate myself 2 and my third song will be i hate myself 3 and so on and all my songs will just be me crying and saying i hate myself over and over to a different instrument each time but i won’t learn to play any of them competently and ill make exactly one music video which will be set in a junkyard just me lying around in a junkyard and i will have a single torrid texting affair with one of my two fans who only like me ironically and then eventually ill leave the music business to become a full-time existential crisis haver look im so grown up i have my whole life planned out

I think of you.
I wish I didn’t.
I wish the rainy season in my head
Didn’t cause flashbacks.
Flashbacks of you and I
Kissing in flames of desire,
Making me burn up with the warm breaths
You would breath into my lungs.
Dammit I wish I could forget the
Way I looked under your glowing ember eyes.
You. You. You.
It’s always going to be you.
I made you into the hero,
My white knight
Here to slay my depression.
I somehow romanticized you
Into love because I remember how your kisses
Felt like a pinch
Here To distract
Me from another pain somewhere else inside me
I know now you were nothing but a band aid.
You just covered my wounds
You did no actual healing.
Oh but dammit
It is hurricane season and his love
Doesn’t act like umbrella
Like Your love did.
And dammit
It’s pouring inside my head-
He doesn’t know how to keep me warm
He doesn’t know how to pinch me
Dammit he is a stranger to depression
And you are a warm friend.
I need a kind greeting when I get to the door
But he only offers bad directions.
I am not asking for him to make the monsters go away
I’m only asking that he sit with me
While they visit.
But he thinks the darks spots in me
Are just the places
That need light.
He can’t see me in them
You knew my black
And called it my night
You told me that everyone needs
A dark place to rest every once a while.
Dammit you ruined me.
No one will ever get to map out my heart
Because it will only lead back to you.
I am just a bridge to you
Sorry I was a bridge to you
You lit your half on fire
I am just a burnt crisp of wood
That used to belong to something
That is longer existing.
Parts of me are no longer existing.
He tries to rebuild me
But the manufacturer
Is out of commission.
I am like a car without a roof
He can’t take me out in the rain.
I am thinking of you
And when you told me
That you were going to my life raft when
Waves took me under.
Well my heart is drowning
And he doesn’t know where
You left the boats
He doesn’t know where to dive in.
I am just a swimming pool of self loathing
Dammit
He can’t see where to put the love to save me.
I’m thinking of you.
Dammit
It will only ever be you.
In the monsoon raging in me
You are a bolt of lighting
And I am just another clash of thunder
Rumbling out in the distance after you.
Dammit.
Sometimes when the storm is pounding
I look into the puddles it’s created
In my reflection
I only see you.
Dammit
I wish the rain drops didn’t feel so much like
Your kisses.
If they didn’t maybe I could let it wash me away
But the landslide only brings me
To the places you once were.
I am just another abandon beach;
My heart is just another place you once were.
—  You were my shelter in the storm but you have left my heart homeless.

anonymous asked:

can you safely and permanently lose INCHES? i don't care abt the number on the scale but i do care that i look fat. like it doesn't make sense that just some people are fat and some aren't.

So I’m going to let one of my fat-liberation heroes, Virgie Tovar, say what needs to be said here:

Though I believe it is ultimately your choice to do what you feel is right with your body, asking a fat activist for “pro-weight-loss choices” is callous at best. That you are asking me — a fat woman – for weight loss tips is an example of your inability to see me as fully human because if you could see me as fully human you could understand that you are asking me for tips on how to be someone who looks less like I do…

I am a fat woman who has undertaken starvation and years of self-loathing in the name of weight loss. This question really set me off. [This] is a platform that centers fat people and offers support to people with questions about navigating and surviving fat shame and stigma, not promoting it.