Day One Hundred and Seven
-From over the walkie, I heard the most ominous and bone-chilling sentence I have yet to encounter in the workplace: “The chicken has gone to roost.” There are shady operations underfoot here of which I am not aware. I will investigate further and report back with my poultry findings.
-I stocked a shelf of diapers featuring a toddler in sunglasses, a crop top, and, as one would expect, a diaper. I am prepared to pronounce this the look of 2017.
-Tonight I decided to sport my new pair of pants for the first time. As a result, I discovered that the fly of these pants does not particularly like to stay up. My one regret is not having worn my dinosaur-covered boxers.
-A banana peel was found, carelessly thrown onto the floor. Much to my disappointment, the HR head picked it up and subsequently disposed of it before it could live up to its comedic potential. I am particularly let down, as it is not every night that one’s workplace becomes a Looney Tunes set.
-While browsing through anniversary cards on my break, I stumbled across categories such as “two dads” and “wife to wife.” All of these cards were terrible, as is par for the course when it comes to greeting cards, but I am thrilled to know that cheesiness transcends heteronormativity.
-A girl sobbed as her mother pushed her through the store, suddenly shouting, “I’m gonna grow up!” The mother stopped, deeply concerned, and asked if she meant that she was going to throw up. The girl shook her head and replied, “No, this is worse.”
-While checking the fitting rooms, I found a lost penny. It was tails up, however, I picked it up anyway. I am not a greedy man. I do not need more luck than a free penny.
-I found a sign marked “Pizza Hut URGENT” posted by the fitting rooms. I was unable to determine the body of the message due to a lack of interest, but if any urgent matters come up, I know now who to call first.
-I asked a manager what I should do were I to find someone hiding underneath the infants furniture display. She told me that she actually did not know, despite it being part of the closing procedure. A part of me now secretly hopes to find someone stowed away beneath the strollers, if only so I can get their input on what the proper response should be.