i am not strong anymore

Ever since I was a little girl, my mother would tell me that being polite was the most important thing a woman can be.

I am four
I am in the backseat of my grandfather’s car with my two male cousins. I excitingly exclaim, “I’m going to be an astronaut when I’m older!” My grandfather sternly tells me girls can’t be astronauts, especially pretty ones. My cousins say they’re going to be pro football players― he tells them they can be anything they set their minds to. When I get home I take down the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling; I don’t really want to be an astronaut anymore.

I am seven
I am the top of my class, and I win a student of the year award. A boy I have a crush on tells everyone, “no one likes a girl who knows everything.” They all laugh. I blush and stuff my award into my backpack; I don’t really want to be smart anymore.

I am eleven
I am lean and have cut abs from all my activities. All the girls in the locker room have prominent breasts, and hips. One of them tells me that abs on a girl are manly and gross― boys don’t like girls who look bulky; I don’t really want to be strong anymore.

I am fourteen
I am a freshman cheerleader, and getting noticed is important to me. Upperclassmen whistle at me as I walk down the halls, and one very popular senior grabs me by my waist and tells me I’d look good underneath him. I smile uncomfortably and tug at my skirt; I don’t really want to be seen anymore.

I am fifteen
I am very sick and gain ten pounds while on prednisone. My mother pinches at my arms and makes a joke about how they look like pillsbury dough. My friends mock the roundness of my face and a boy tells me he only likes really thin girls; I don’t really want to eat anymore.

I am seventeen
I am dating a boy who makes me feel like I am flying. He tells me that if I sleep with him it’ll prove that I care― I believe him. He holds me down by my neck and I am silent. When he’s finished I lay on stained sheets with my blonde hair in knots; I don’t really want to be in love anymore.

I am eighteen
I am every man’s image of a perfect woman. I walk, talk, and breathe just the way men want me to. I say thank you when I am whistled at. I am never too ambitious, too intelligent, too strong, or too opinionated.
I tiptoe around everything, because taking up too much space in a man’s world is never okay. I understand now that disagreeing or agreeing with a man can sometimes mean life or death; I don’t really want to be a woman anymore.

—  When people ask me why I need feminism
2

Gif source:  Storm

Imagine Storm trying to get you out of bed.

——— Request for anon ———

“Come on, Storm,” you groan, pulling the covers up higher. “I need some more rest.”

“I am not playing anymore!” Storm huffs, and you feel a strong gust of wind brew in the room, causing you to snap up in a heartbeat.

“I’m up! I’m up!”

*11:11 pm*
I wish for hi-
No. I’m done spending all my wishes on something that will never happen. I’m tired of waiting for him to come back. I don’t need him or anyone for that matter. I am better off without him. I am my own person and I am in charge of my own happiness. So for my 11:11 wish, I wish to find the strength within in order to take control of my life and be happy. I wish to spread my wings and fly off into this beautiful world to see what lies ahead of me. I can do all of this without him, because I don’t need him in my life anymore. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am independent.
—  11:11 wishes #2
via illuminested
Oneshot #48 Half a heart

Albus ran to his new dormitory slamming the door shut. He clutched to his pillow tightly, watching life fade away to darkness.

A part of him lost the desire to move, breathe or even speak. Everything was meaningless.

Seconds felt like years. Hours felt like decades. For the first time, he was incomplete.

He grabbed a black marker to begin writing. Releasing these empty thoughts felt right.

“What happens when you are destroyed beyond recognition, when the person you thought you were is just a figment of imagination? Why am I merely existing yet feel trapped as if I am not here at all? How can life be so cruel to a point where the world becomes nothing? Most importantly, why was my other half ripped away from me? Maybe people find ways to live but for someone like myself, if I don’t have Scorpius, I am not real.”

Being strong reaches a limit. It’s not a choice anymore. Albus couldn’t help the tears running down his cheeks. He cried more than he could count.

A picture of Scorpius landed on his face. He sniffled, tears sliding down on the photo when he looked at it.

Even a knock on the door didn’t grab his attention. “Albus, it’s professor McGonagall. Are you okay?” She asked, concerned.

No response came to her. She sighed before opening the door with her wand. “Albus?” She called his name.

When she didn’t receive an answer, she approached him noticing the piece of paper with words. She read it to herself, feeling a bit worried.

“You can talk to me. I know how much you miss Scorpius.” Keeping the two boys separate devastated her.

Albus had his back turned toward her. The mention of Scorpius killed him.

Finally, once he calmed, Albus turned to face professor McGonagall. “There isn’t much I can say. I don’t need your pity.” He didn’t sound happy at all.

“Very well. I’ll be going now. I hope you feel better.” She exited the dorm, heading off to do her own business.

Getting out of his bed took courage . He headed to the astronomy tower for a while to think without distractions.

By the time he reached the stairs to head back to his dormitory, Scorpius was around.

The two staircases pulled apart and back together again. Albus and Scorpius exchanged looks.

Both staircases went in opposite directions. Albus glanced at Scorpius, hurt and in despair. He was hopeless.

Scorpius returned the look, heartbroken. He tried his hardest not to cry.

Very slightly, the staircases moved toward each other creating tension between both of them. Albus stared at the ground and back at Scorpius.

There was a longing to touch if just for a moment. Scorpius contemplated jumping over to Albus for a hug.

Again, the stairs drifted off in different directions while Albus and Scorpius made eye contact the entire time.

Albus’s staircase moved closer and he took it very lightly. Next, Scorpius’s staircase moved closer, just an inch.

Neither one said anything. Just complete and utter silence remained in the room.

Somewhere in between their longing for each other, weakness took over their body dropping them to the floor.

Scorpius wanted to be near him. Albus wanted the same.

They lied on the stairs facing one another with an overwhelming coldness body temperate.

If it was up to them, they would stay like this forever. Having each other’s presence was like heaven sent.

Before long, Albus jumped over the opposite staircase running to Scorpius.

He gave Scorpius a mini hug knowing there won’t be a next time. Scorpius froze.

Albus jumped back to his staircase lying on the stairs.

Scorpius had to make a decision and quick. He stood up, jumping to Albus.

He helped Albus to stand, turned him around and gave him an everlasting kiss. “I love you.” Scorpius returned to his stairs.

Those are the last words Albus heard before the stairs parted.

I started out wanting to develop a comic-y coloring style. Then I threw caution to the wind and added a gradient and it was all over from there.

anonymous asked:

Ame-san, can you translate this tweet by Mafumafu "都合よい時だけ使われて陰で悪口を言われてきて 気づかないフリしてきたけどさすがにもう", please? Thanks a lot!

Mafumafu: I’ve just been used by others at their convenience and trash-talked in the shadows….I’ve pretended not to notice, but it’s gone too far…

(A few minutes later)

Mafumafu: I’m going to go add bath salts to my bath and soak for a while to relax…maybe once I’m refreshed I’ll write a new song…I haven’t expressed my feelings in a while, which is probably why I was feeling so depressed! That’s not good!

anonymous asked:

today I got told to kill myself. Believe Me, I've tried before. I'm weak. I'm sorry. Today I ran away from home, but somehow I gave in and came back, I came home to the same shit, I'm sick of this. I really am. I'm not strong anymore.. -aa

Babyyy…you want my help? if yes I’ll need you to trust me and write to me personally 💜

Things have not been going well. Oh, things have been bad.
Abuse is following me around, attached to my hip. Just when I thought I got rid of it. It comes back to me like a moth to a flame. What am I to do… I can’t do this much longer. How long can I keep going with it… not much longer.

My mental state is clouded and crumbling. I cannot hold on anymore. Holding onto empty hopes. This is my worst nightmare. How do I wake up?

Diminished, degraded, utterly disappointed. Oh, how you tear me down every time we speak. I just can’t breathe anymore. My lungs are flooded with held back tears. Why am I in this hole still? I am not strong anymore, no longer a fighter. I am ruined. I am in pieces. I cannot see a future anymore. I am stuck here forever.

Why do you do this… I am just a simple, quiet girl… I feed off of positive energy, but I have not had a bite in months. I am worn out, ripped apart like paper. I’m alone and fragile, shaken and scarred, broken and burned.

No one will ever understand the hurt. I will never understand why I deserve this hatred. I am just a simple, quiet girl.

eunoiaschaos  asked:

goblin + dragon + angel (please and thank you bunches <3)

goblin: what do you fear losing the most?

I fear losing my sense of who I am, I think. I mean, I’m terrified of falling, and I don’t like spiders or wasps or the dark depths of the ocean, but…. really, I think I’m really really afraid that one day I might not know who I am anymore. Because having a strong sense of self-awareness is so so so important to me. I need to know who I am, and I need to be in control of that. I am me, and no one else can tell me who I am. And I don’t ever want that to go away, and it’s terrifying to think it might

dragon: would you rather grow wings and soar through the sky or grow gills and dwell in the water?

Wings for sure. I’m afraid of falling, not of heights. I think if I had the ability to control my height and my ascent/descent, I would love flying a lot. As it is, my dad has a small airplane, and I love flying in it. So wings for sure

angel: what are three things you love about one of your close friends? (you can name them or not)

Three things that I love about my best friend are: 1) the way he takes me seriously; 2) that I can be around him for days and weeks, and we don’t need to talk to enjoy each other’s company; 3) he knows when to leave me alone. I need space a lot, and he knows it, and he lets me have that space. 

It's time for some straight-forward, I'm-terrified-to-post-this, I've-been-avoiding-this-post-for-over-a-year honesty.

As I write this, I’m scared shitless. I’m sitting in a Chick-fil-a between patient visits, eating my healthy lunch, and I know it’s time. I’ve been putting this off for well over a year, and I can’t keep hiding. So, here goes… I lost weight. I lost A LOT of weight. Over 60 lbs; about 1/3 my beginning body weight. And I was a weight loss rockstar while I did it. I steadily lost over about 2 years, never gaining more than a pound back (only plateauing for periods of time). I transformed my lifestyle. I was “that healthy girl” who ate my packed lunch during free work meals, said no to brownies passed around at meetings, and kept myself in check without much help from the outside world. I blogged and blogged and blogged, and I built up this site to over 3000 followers. I absolutely crushed it. I was someone, in my mind, worthy of inspiring. I helped others by giving advice and support. I was everything I imagined I would be on this journey. And then, I just stopped. There wasn’t one reason. There were many. I moved to a new state, over 6 hours from everyone I knew and loved. I went through a pretty dramatic breakup with the person I had moved with. I had lost control of my independence and control. So I reverted, and I ate. And ate and ate. And said “forget it” to the steady routine and healthy relationship with exercise I had finally developed. And I gained. And gained and gained. The first 30 lbs I packed on, I honestly didn’t notice. Then I had a handful of failed attempts at losing again. Then I gave up again. The next 20, I didn’t notice either. Over about a year, I put back on 50 lbs, almost my entire original weight loss. It was easy to deny and hide, because I gained the weight quite well, so no one really understood just how far I had fallen. I wanted to confess on here along the way. I wanted to reach out and beg for help as I spiraled downward. I knew I’d find the help and guidance I needed. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t admit failure. I couldn’t share with the world how bad it had gotten. I couldn’t look at this blog, which captures all my success, and mark it (in my mind) with all my current failure. So I hid. And it got worse and worse. I’m done hiding. I’m here. I need support and community. I am ready to change. I have joined Weight Watchers at work. I have started tracking again. I have all the exercise equipment and DVDs I need at home. I have a loving and supportive partner. And I have my own strength. My strength in which I can finally say, “I may have fallen, but I am not a failure.” I realize that my weight or my gaining doesn’t define me. I have the tools I need. I will do this again. And I will not only succeed this time, but sustain too. Because I’m not afraid or ashamed anymore. I am a strong woman; I am an inspiration. I can and I will do this. And I will share it all as I do. Thank you all for being here, and I would love to hear from you (commenting on this or posting in my ask) about your roller coaster journeys and fears you’re afraid to tell. I’m here for you too! <3

2

Imagine #85 Don’t give up on yourself

You were at your home alone, your parents were working and since you were not feeling okay, you skipped school. It wasn’t about feeling sick, but you were dealing with depression again.

You found out you were depressed on your own and you were hiding it for a little more than a year from everyone. You kept putting a fake smile on your face hoping no one would notice. You were fighting every single day to get up, go to school and try to live as normal as possible.

However, this morning you woke up hopeless. You had enough of this life, you were done with everything and you couldn’t sleep the entire night because you could not stop crying. You felt lonely, with no one who cares about you. The only good friend you had was Neymar jr, the famous footballer.

You two were friends for two and half years, but it felt like forever. He approached you once in a club and since then your relationship developed a lot, but still just in a friendly way.

You looked at your phone as you remembered that he texted you and called you several times yesterday but you ignored it. You wanted to be left alone and even though you loved him, answering him could expose your sadness.

“I love you Neymar, you were the best friend I could have ever asked for. You helped me a lot and when I was with you, I was happy, but still not enough to make it through the sadness that is killing me. I never told you how I really was feeling, because I was hoping that maybe one day I would make it on my own, I was trying so hard to be happy and live a good life, but I just can’t. I am not strong enough and my time is over. I promise you that it is not anyone’s fault; it’s just me that lost a fight against myself. Tell my family I loved them with all my heart and that they have to live normally without me, because this is what I want for them. And you, my Ney. You need to fight to be the best in the world, run faster than you can and I know that you are capable of reaching all your dreams. Thank you for everything, love you. Goodbye.”

This was the last text you sent before you grabbed a razor and started making cuts on your hand.  You were crying desperately. The entire bathroom was covered in your blood, you knew this the day your pain would be gone and so would be you.

At least that is what you thought before you heard someone at the door. It was impossible that your parents were back and neither could it be Neymar, because he couldn’t have come so fast if he saw the text already.

You didn’t want to answer so you let the person knock a few more times, but his knocks were getting harder and harder, making you a little bit scared.

“(y/n)! Open the door! (y/n)!” You heard the voice and recognized it.

“Neymar” you whispered to yourself. As much as you loved him, you didn’t want him to stop you or see you in this conditions. However, clearly your avoiding him didn’t stop him so you heard him rush inside probably breaking the door.

“(y/n)!” you heard him which scared you even more. It was over, he found you and he was going to see you in this mess.

“Oh my… (y/n)” he walked inside and looked around the bathroom afraid, he noticed you in the bath crying.

“Please leave” you said crying upset that he found you.

“What is going on, why are you doing this?”

“Don’t look at me…Neymar please” you still couldn’t stop crying.

He was upset and in panic as he saw you like this, in a bath of blood crying, full of scars on your body. You were avoiding his look, but he immediately picked you out of the water holding you in his arms he sit down.

“I want to die, please let me die” you said and Neymar hold you closer with tears in his eyes as he heard you say this.

“Stop saying this, please (y/n), please stop it” he was so fragile and scared that he didn’t let you out of his arms, “I can’t believe that you might be dead already if I wasn’t coming to your house to see why were you ignoring me”

“I can’t live like this anymore, I am not strong enough. You should not have stopped me”

This time he moved a little and placed his hands on your face so you were obligated to look at him, “You are strong; you are the strongest girl I know. You are capable of making it through, I know you can and I will always support my little girl. I will help you win this battle you have inside.”

“I can’t Neymar, you don’t understand” 

“I know I don’t but I also know that you have much more to live and you will find your happines, but you will have to get help. I don’t care if you don’t want, I won’t let you kill yourself, because I need you, we all need you (y/n)”

“I am so sorry,” you cried as you placed your arms around his neck and felt bad about what just happened.

“It’s okay (y/n), everything will be okay, I promise you. Calm down now.” He said as he caressed your head and felt relieved that you stopped thinking about ending your life.

You two were there like that for another fifteen minutes until you got up and he helped you clean. It was in that moment that you realized how much this boy meant to you. It was funny that out of all of your best girl friends the person you decided to write your death note was Neymar.

While you were taking a shower Neymar was sitting on the ground not looking at you, but just to make sure you were 100% sure about not giving up. His actions made you feel better and safe. You started to look at him in a different way; he was not just a good friend anymore.

“I’m done” you said as you got in your clothes and he got up.

He smiled in a simply way like he was reassuring you that everything will be okay, then he walked closer and once again hugged you pulling you closer than ever.

“Don’t you try leaving me again, I couldn’t take it.” Neymar said quietly and then let you go, “promise me you will fight”

“Neymar…” you could not promise him something like that.

“Please (y/n), promise me you won’t give up” he looked so scared and sad, he really did care about you.

“I promise.”

“Good. Then we will search for help okay? I know you might want to hide it from your parents, but it is the only right way, I am sure the will unde…”

“Neymar”

“understand, because they love you. We will make it wo…”he was talking really fast while searching for different hospitals on his phone, but you stopped him.

“Neymar” you said lauder and he finally stopped.

“Yes?”

“Why all this bother for me?”

“Well what kind of question is this? Because I care about you, you are the best person I know and I couldn’t live without you (y/n).” he smiled and then placed a kiss on your forehead.

You placed your hands on his cheeks and he slowly moved closer to your lips until finally your lips crashed and you two kissed.

“I can’t lose you now that I finally got you” he smiled making you also appear a smile on your face so you kissed him again.

He was your soulmate, your guardian angel that saved you from making a mistake and decided to fight depression with you. Neymar was your hero.

The saddest thing about Rose Tyler and the Doctor is this

Doctor: How long are you gonna stay with me?

Rose: Forever. *smiles*

Doctor: [[No, you’re not. Most likely you’ll eventually realize that I can’t give you the things humans want, which is a home. All I do is run, and visit, and why would the entirety of space and time satisfy you if you can’t call any of it home? And I know you think your home is with me, but you only know this fragment of me. This piece. This cheerful, dark person who dresses like he’s in a band, has a slim, young body, and actually cares about pop culture. This incarnation who looks down on anyone who carries a gun when he’s killed more than any of them. It’s all just a cover up for how different I really am from you. For how I wish I could make you like me and still keep you human, but it can’t be done- just like I can’t become human after all the things I’ve seen even with our flirting and my stylish sneakers.

Then, there’s the possibility that you won’t leave me, but it still can’t last forever. You’ll grow old and die. You’ll forget things. You’ll become weak. And as much as I say I don’t want to, I’ll find some reason to leave you before that happens because I’m not strong enough to face endings anymore. I am the weak one, weaker than you’ll ever be, even as an old woman.]]

Doctor: *smiles*