i am not strong anymore

I started out wanting to develop a comic-y coloring style. Then I threw caution to the wind and added a gradient and it was all over from there.

Every time I look at the sky I choke up a bit. Its not for the feeling of the clouds and stars on my skin. Its for my fellow angels and the need to impress the gods. I will prove them wrong. I am a warrior even though the war is through and there isn’t anymore golden blood being spilled. I am still strong. As long as I keep my memories and feel my wings on my back, I am an angel. I am still a warrior.

confessions and cold water

“I am a boy.”
Saying those words lifts a weight off my chest
but puts rocks in my belly.
I am a boy.
I cover my breasts in the mirror
and breathe long through my nose.
My father’s name
- my name -
means ‘the new overtakes the old.’
Sweat settles along my shoulders.

I smother my face with a cold wet towel
and try to reset bone.
What does this mean?
The towel twists.
I am ready.

I imagine my father gazing at me in shame,
or not looking at me at all - 
so I swallow my confession like medicine.
The rocks tumble in my belly.
Sticky summer mosquitoes gnaw at the window.

i am a boy
i am not a boy
i am a boy
i am
I am not strong enough, anymore.

I wrap the towel around my waist
and touch my inner thigh.
Nature has decided:
my fingers come away red.

You see, I am not the person I used to be. I am not just damaged anymore, I am weathered and strong. I am not lonely anymore, I am alone by choice and I like it that way. I am not broken hearted, those pieces have grown roots and are now a part of a heart that beats stronger than you would ever know. I am not the person who begged you to stay, I am the person who doesn’t want, or need you back.
—  When He Texts Saying He Wants You Back | Nikita Gill

New haircut = new chances !
Life is what you make it, so I am gonna try to make the best of it. I am gonna be the person I want to be. I am not gonna hide my feelings anymore. I’m strong, I’m brave and I have a good mind. So I won’t let people intimidate me anymore. Life is too valuable to be afraid of what other people might say. As human being I have got the chance to have feelings and now it is my turn to show them with no regrets. I understand now that life is literally what I make of it. Xxxx


eunhyukee44: 2008.7.9. I still remember the first time I met Japanese fans in Budokan. After that (we had) numerous tours and (from) the time we met, we spent 7 years together and now (I have to say) temporary goodbye on my last stage in Japan, (and the fact that) I can be together with everyone on such a big and cool place like this, I was really happy. Even though I did not fulfill all my activities to match what everyone wanted; although I am to be blamed for my poor Japanese language standard, making it not easy to always truly deliver what our hearts (want to say); but because all the fans are always gazing at us warming, supporting us, loving us, I was able to grow like this. I was to give thanks once again. Although I will not be able to see (everyone) for a while, please anticipate my healthy and bright image and always think of me wherever you are. Thank you. I love you. E.L.F JAPAN I love you。

I remember watching this in 2012 when I was suicidal, self-harming and extremely depressed. It’s so strange to reflect back on it 4 years later because it feels like another person now. I haven’t self-harmed for 4 years, I am not suicidal at all anymore and don’t have depression anymore (or at least, not chronically). I mean, granted I have knee-jerk reactions to things when shit gets real, but it’s not that chronic existing rather than living. I’m in university studying what I love now. I have very empowering career goals that I am working towards. I am not socially anxious anymore. I feel so strong by comparison. And I remember writing in my journal that I wouldn’t survive the year, I’d be dead soon so nothing mattered. I remember telling myself that just because it worked for others didn’t mean it would work for me. I remember believing that this was what my life was - a mere existence of apathy with no sense of living. I remember trying, stumbling and relapsing, then trying more. I remember getting to 5 days without cutting before relapsing, then 40 days without cutting before relapsing. Now I’m on day 1569. My scars have all faded, and those that didn’t have been tattooed over. Life isn’t without hardship, but let me tell you hands down that you can do it and when you come out of that motherfucking tunnel, you’ll shine so much brighter than you ever believed you could.
—  From a comment on one of my YouTube videos
You do know what the Sleepy Hollow move to 9 PM on Thursdays next season means, right? LOL. It means competitors do NOT deem Scandal a strong opponent anymore.

I am here laughing. For once, Fox was smart. And it’s clear that Scandal is not considered strong competition anymore, and that they deem Sleepy Hollow strong enough to be put up against it. Considering the season they just had, the conclusion is clearly that they don’t deem Scandal a show that racks up viewers anymore.

Which we all know it doesn’t anymore (ratings are back to s1 numbers) and things are only bound to get worse, given the horrid finale coming up (DO NOT WATCH!! if you want things to change, do not watch that crappy finale. Ratings that keep going down are the ONLY thing that forces a show to change).