i am not in the tunnel at all

🌙💕May Your Self Confidence Rise Like The Moon 🌙💕

A request from @tarotprose , since joining the community many of you have showed me so much support and encouraged me in many ways. Ivan more than most has been there to lend me advice, inspire me, and support me in pursuing my dreams. You have all helped me grow in my having faith in myself and learning to truly love who I am inside, I hope this spread can do the same for you. 💕

The First Card: This card represents where you currently are or what state you’re currently in. Perhaps something is weighing you down, this could represent your current level of self-esteem or amount of love you have for yourself.

The Second and Third Card: We often lose sight of our best selves and tunnel vision onto our flaws. These cards are here to remind you of your admirable qualities, what it is about you that makes you fantastic and unique. It’s ok to need a reminder. 

The Fourth Card: This represents something you’ve overcome, a struggle either within yourself or with another. Remember what you’ve overcome, you are so strong.

The Fifth Card: This is a simple act of self-care you can practice to help you center your mind and focus on loving yourself and believing in yourself. 

The Sixth Card: This is a summary of everything the cards have told you so far, it explains how everything is tied together. How can I bring all of this together and apply it to gaining more self-confidence?

You can see some of my readings and spreads here and you can get your own reading by me here. 💖

zodiac signs as katya quotes
  • Aries: "I am a dog-woman who barks at the moon while sniffing my own anus after shitting out worms."
  • Taurus: "Once you stir the pot, what do you get at the end of the day? Quiche."
  • Gemini: "I tried to go to bed, couldn’t sleep – I just kept thinking about murder and satanism."
  • Cancer: "I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my limbs in my underpants."
  • Leo: "Pain is the key that unlocks the door of more pain… and then that door is a tunnel through the palace of beauty."
  • Virgo: "I am my own worst enema."
  • Libra: "I love all my children equally, except I love the attractive ones much more."
  • Scorpio: "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to touch me… does my vagina make a sound?"
  • Sagittarius: "I do not clean. I conceal. And then I come to find."
  • Capricorn: "I do not jump for joy, I frolic in doubt."
  • Aquarius: "I went to community college, so I know everything about dream theory."
  • Pisces: "I am a riddle. Wrapped in a mystery. Covered in spandex."

The most artistic thing I have ever done. 

This is the dust cover for the copy of Les Miserables a friend and I got another friend of ours for Christmas. However, it was a bit… drab. (see here

So, I decided to add some color. I think it turned out well enough.

(From top to bottom: front cover, spine, back cover, full)

I love Ragnor Fell so much though??

  • His description of a rainforest is ‘wetter than a boar’s armpit and twice as smelly’
  • He pretends to be going through a tunnel so he can hang up the phone when Magnus starts talking about Alec
  • He is the speaker of the most relatable line in the history of relatable lines: ‘I do not want to do this, and I will not enjoy it.’
  • He bets James Herondale to shoot out all the lights on a chandelier in a bar just for the sake of getting a Shadowhunter to make a fool of himself
  • He once threatened to have a llama urinate on all of Magnus’ possessions
  • Makes jokes about being green: ‘I am positively green with envy’, ‘I will go double green and be sick’
  • Genuinely does not realise that he is a very grumpy person
  • Gets nervous when Magnus compliments him because he knows Magnus is about to ask him for a favour
  • Holds a grudge for 58 years because Magnus forgot his birthday one time

Why does Ragnor not get more attention?? Did everyone else read a different book than me?? I love him so fucking much and it actually hurts a little. I want to talk about him forever and ever and just appreciate him and asdfghjhgfdesqawrfghgfd. I love him. I love him.

I love him.

Ok so I know I haven’t done this for awhile. I’ll admit being the positive person that I usually am I’ve found it hard to find the light at the end  of tunnel these days. I think you all know what i’m talking about. 

It has been terribly tough on me to watch watch what Daryl has been going thought in the last several episodes because I adore him so much (and Normans been killing it and breaking my heart).  To watch him be tortured and abused, physically and emotionally. And never mind what he’s doing to himself as well. He thinks he deserves everything that’s happening to him and it hurts me, it really does. 

I think what keeps me going is the knowledge of the old proverb that says ‘this too shall pass’. That the suffering will stop sooner or later. And the knowledge that he and Carol will see each other again. 

That helps plenty right now. 

But what I was thinking of as well was that I wonder if, in the deep recesses of his tortured mind that remembers a few things. That they are there somewhere. 

Like that time when, he was hurting and instead of inflicting more pain on him, she did this..

Even though he flinched, conditoned to expect more pain, there was no reason to. That she told him he was ‘every bit as good as they were.’  Maybe the first time he’d ever heard those words. 

Or when she made him laugh when was miserable and thinking everyone was against him..

That sweet little unexpected giggle she drew out of him. That feeling of being happy if only briefly. Of laughing and smiling as though it is something he still wasn’t used to . 

Of taking his hand when he was in pain and torn up..

of not wanting to let go of that hand..

Of flirting and teasing each other like was perfectly natural..

A moment when he hated himself a lot less because it was sunny and happy and you were content and somewhat happy. With those eyes and that smile lit up his life. 

Or he remembers what he felt when he saw her again and thew his his arms around like he’d done with no one else…

And cried tears of joy because it was safe to do so..

To just about trip over himself and drop water jugs at her feet cause of how nervous and awed he was to be around her. 

Just being that adorable dork that he is…

And does he remember when he was hurting again and she touched him so gently, not doing harm or adding on….

The softness of the touch, the way her fingers felt grazing over his skin as she bushed his hair away and kissed him like that..

Does he remember that it didn’t hurt at all? 

Does he remember all these things, and all the things he’s done that make him a good a person? For her and for others? 

Maybe someday realize he deserve what’s happening to him now. And that people love him. I hope so. 

I do know for certain he’s gonna remember a lot of these things when he sees her again. When she lays a hand on him and it dosen’t hurt at all. And she’ll remember too. 

However these moments I know the will have will last, they will be beautiful. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel for me. The resson for hope in the darkness. 

It is just inevitable to me. So I will see them both through this. I’ve come way too far to give in now. 









(more screaming behind the cut)

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Rogue One Headcanon/Fanmeta: RebelCaptain & Jealousy

- link to my other Rogue One blabberings -

nb: still haven’t read/seen anything related to Rogue One except for the actual film. i also haven’t seen the Original Trilogy in years. headcanons are subject to change.

I’ve read around some people’s headcanons/stories/excited blabbering about (if they had survived) Jyn and Cassian having to deal with jealousy of other people - eg Cassian regarding Jyn+Han or Lando, Jyn regarding Cassian+Leia.

And I am getting on this train because this trope is MY JAM.

Firstly, we can all agree (and if not: you ain’t changing my heart and soul) that Jyn and Cassian have basically tunnel-visioned their entire sexuality into each other post-Scarif (aka Jynsexual, Cassiansexual) (new dating website: find your soulmate through mutual goals, trauma, rescues, orbiting bodies, and heart-eyes!) and that if they notice other people, it’s purely from an aesthetic point of view. AND that they are in an entirely, absolutely, unhealthily-from-95%-of-people’s-perspectives codependent relationship where they feel their skin begin to crawl the moment they haven’t heard from each other in three hours.

And yet! And yet! Despite their whole-hearted, titanium-strength trust in each other, alas their little hearts can be such soft things that expect pain.  Between Cassian still fighting with the idea of having something after having given up everything he had for decades and Jyn re-developing her sense of self-esteem (she was abandoned multiple times by incredibly important people in her life; as if she feels good about herself), well… feelings of romantic inadequacy is in the air, my friends.

Prepare yourself for a long-ass blabber-post

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Tuned In

“What the hell is your problem Captain!” she spat, she had grabbed him by the arm, man handled him in all sense of the term to the secluded hallway just off the usual tunnel to the clubhouse. Their team mates had reverted their eyes to the ground walking ahead of them, this show-down had been waiting to happen four a good for months.

“What do you think your doing?” he bellowed back, he put space between them snatching his arm back. Looking at her, she was enraged, angry, all tantrums ready to happen.

“What the hell do I think I’m doing?!” she yelled back at him closing the space that he had put between them, mere inches from his face. She was fucking angry, but god all Mike could think about was her incredibly warm temperature radiating straight into his chest and down his abdomen and taking homage in his lower stomach.

“Yeah, you!” He barked back, shaking himself out of his thoughts.

She shoved him, not hard enough to bruise but enough for him to take a step back into the wall.

“Why did you send me off?” She spat harshly, looking at her, beads of sweat were still rolling down the side of her face, moving slowly down her neck. He couldn’t help where his mind had wondered, god her body had tasted too good.

He took a deep breath in, willing himself to get his shit together. “Come here” he murmured as he took her by the bicep and dragged her a few metres down to a nearby office. Throwing her inside.

“Cool off.” He said through gritted teeth, taking off his cap, running his hand through his beard.

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I binge watched “A Series of Unfortunate Events” on Netflix yesterday and I still am not over it and ill not be over it forever. I can think of no higher praise than this: I am an obsessive fan of the books. I read them all, including the prequels and side books. I learned all the codes. I have been anticipating this adaptation for months, watching every trailer, counting the days. And after all that hype, the show exceeded all my hopes. The only big problem with it is now I have to wait a year  for the second season. Please watch this show, if I don’t get this adaptation of all the books, I will die. 

More specific (and spoilery!) elaboration of my opinion under the cut.

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Ghost Stories Sentence Starters
  • "So I was nailing this midget when my mom walked in-"
  • "Not Grand Theft Auto! What would Hilary Clinton say?"
  • "I thought meth was only this bad in Oregon."
  • "You just KNOW she's covering her lust for me with cruelty and violence."
  • "It might be painful-like watching Two and a Half Men-but you'll get used to it after awhile."
  • "You smoked it all, didn't you?!"
  • "So, what do you wanna talk about? It's not that rash again, is it?"
  • "Please save me Lord, for I am your favorite among these heathens."
  • "Sure!...jackass."
  • "Now, open your books and turn your page to whatever."
  • "Verizon, like Jesus, never stops working for you!"
  • "Years ago, people went into that tunnel and never came out, kinda like your sister."
  • "You are shockingly hateful."
  • "What movie are we ripping off again?"
  • "Why are old people always watching the weather channel?"
  • "Thundercats, HO!"
  • "RUN! She's a ghost AND a bitch!"
  • "Aw, that's so sweet! In a Emily Rose, you-scare-the-hell-outta-me kinda way!"
  • "Time to go home, load up that bong and watch Pokemon!"
  • "Monsters only get evil people like Republicans, and we're not old enough to vote!"
  • "Principals always look like lesbians."
  • "Aren't any of you bastards gonna help me?!"
  • "What the fizzity uck was that?!"
  • "Butch it up and get the torches."
  • "Let's fizzity uckin' find out!"
  • "Hey, I know! Why don't we meet at the scary isolated payphone on the bad side of town?"
  • "You're an ass! Let us out, you ass!"
  • "Hello, I can read! Not well, but I can read."
Who I am today...

Everyone has ups and downs, but even that statement is not widely accepted in our community.

When I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 14 and I came and told my parents, their response was that the doctor was an idiot and didn’t know what he was talking about.

Of course I believed my parents and never bothered talking about it again, nor did I even try and explore it further.

Almost a decade later, I was bitter, miserable, unhappy, and just sad all the time. It was like there was never a light at the end of the tunnel for me.

In my mid twenties, it got worse. Life just got harder with the pressure of graduating, finding a job, finding a husband, settling down, having a family. My way of coping with negative situations only got worse, and I went through a few personal problems on top of that.

That is when the thoughts came into my head. Wanting to end my life. For years I kept feeling that way, but never found the courage to actually follow through with it.

The one time I did cut my wrist and ended up in hospital, was when I was aware of how bad things really got. That was also the day, my parents understood what I was going through and they just had no idea where to begin.

I was a 23 year old woman, who did not want to live anymore, and I was surrounded by people who had no idea of how to help me.

I spent the next 5 years in and out of hospital, different psychotherapists, different types of anti depressants, several more suicide attempts, and a nervous breakdown. I lost my job, most of my family and friends disliked me because I pushed them all away, and I was not capable of being in a relationship.

Do you know what I did? I went to the London College of Fashion and enrolled to do a hair and make up diploma.

In the midst of all of that, I wanted to do make up! The one thing I enjoyed since I was a young girl. So I decided to just follow that passion. The only passion. The only thing I felt I was good at. You all know the story of how hard it was to even convince my parents to not pursue a career in science, since I graduated with a Biology and Psychology degree, so you can imagine what sort of stress that also added to my endless list of issues. They simply had no respect for my career choice.

My job is hard, it is very stressful, you work under a lot of pressure. It is not just doing make up on people, but you are running a business. You also have to be patient and tolerant. Qualities I did not possess. I was so focused and driven to pursue my career in this, that I knew I had to figure out how I can learn to cope in negative situations, and not feel like jumping in front of a train at any given opportunity.

The first thing I did was go to my GP and talk. He suggested the right kind of anti depressant for me, and I started off with a low dosage. Most people get so scared of anti depressants, and if you do google it, there are tonnes of pros and cons to taking them. There are also so many different types of anti depressants. You just have to figure out which one works for you.

I am not a doctor, so I cannot describe what is does and how it works scientifically, but all I needed to know was that it numbed the pain, the bad thoughts, the constant negative feelings. Equally I did not feel anything positive either. You feel nothing. I needed to feel nothing. Isn’t feeling nothing better than feeling sad all the time?

Once the medication kicked in, I started seeing a psychotherapist. I know the waiting list to see a therapist is very long, but if you can afford it, just go online and find a local one. Most countries have a listing. The NHS site in the UK has a very descriptive list of therapists; their expertise and experience. You can pick and choose depending on what the nature of your problem is.

I tried several therapists until I found a lady who was just the right type of therapist for me. She taught me coping strategies. How to cope in a negative situation.

I find that with most therapists they get you to talk about your past too much. I understand that finding the source, the root of the problem is key to eliminating the symptoms, but not everyone can handle bringing up the repressed memories of one’s childhood. Everyone suffers from different types of problems.

My mum used to always say “What problems could you possibly have? We have done everything for you, you have a roof over your head, food, warmth, luxury, we buy you everything, why would you be sad?” Of course she was right. But I came from a generation where we didn’t talk about what happened in our childhood. We were wise enough at such a young age, not to burden our parents with things we knew they would never understand. More than that, we didn’t want to tell them things that would potentially hurt them. We tried to protect them by suffering ourselves. Imagine that responsibility being a child?And then what do you think happens 20 years later? We blame our parents for not having been there for us, for not having protected us, for not having saved us from that big black hole inside our head.

But it is not their fault. They never knew, and they were never exposed to the things we have been exposed to in the past two to three decades.

Once I was able to cope better with everyday things in life, I focused more on my career. I was motivated to build something that distracted me from all the bad things in my life. Some of my friends who have suffered from depression, all found something that made them appreciate life. For some it was having a baby, for some it was gym, and for some it was changing their career.

For me it was my career, IS my career. I put my life and soul into it, and worked hard to be where I am. I am still very critical of myself and still feel I have a very long way to go to perfect my skills, but it is enough to keep me going. Enough to make me feel content and happy.

I know I have a big social media presence, and I come across like the happiest person on earth, who has it all; that magical walk in closet, the million Zara items, that costly chia seed lifestyle, and those damn expensive Starbucks cappuccinos every week. But I want to inspire people, not show off to them. I want someone to see the benefits in the things I do. And also help someone, anyone, see the brighter side of life. Even if it’s through my famous chia seed dessert. I know the Starbucks is not inspirational in any way, but the coconut milk substitute is beneficial to your health! There you go! Anyway joke aside.

I want to make a difference. I have not had it easy, and nothing was given to me on a plate. I worked very hard, and suffered painfully, to be where I am today, and to be who I am today.

I hope people can see that through my social media posts.

When I got divorced, my parents thought I was going to try and harm myself again. They were like hawks in my house; constantly watching me, analysing me, and trying to talk to me. It really helped that they understood what I was going through. They understood that this could trigger my depression. As I now strongly believe that depression is a mental disease, and it never really goes away, it lingers, and just waits to attack. I did suffer a nervous breakdown. I did feel suicidal, and I was seeing a therapist again. But after only a few months, did I realise that I did not want to go down that path again. I did not want to take medication nor sit on a couch and talk about my ex husband. Instead I joined the gym, hired a personal trainer, saw a nutritionist, and focused on my inside. I just wanted to love myself. Figure out what I needed, and what would make all this go away. And it did go away. That cloud hanging over my head during the divorce went away. And it was all because I did that. I made it go away, by wanting to live. Wanting to be happy. Desperate to have another shot in life again. Believing that someone will love me, and that I will have a happily ever after.

We all deserve it. But how one achieves that is in no one’s hand but your own. You have full reign, full control of how you want your life to be.

Getting professional help is the first step. And once you understand what is going on in that head of yours, you should be able to explain this to your loved ones, because we all need the support of our family and friends.

When you are depressed you do feel alone and you shut yourself off, but even if it’s just the one person you can talk to, only one, it’s enough. It is better to have one person who you can trust, than a million negative people who are waiting to see you drown.

People love a gossip, and people are nosy, and you think they care, but all they want is entertainment. When you type my name into google, one of the most searched words associated with my company name is the word divorce. Do you know how many people still want to know what happened? Why I got divorced after only a four-month marriage? I never gave in. I have never shared my story on social media in the past 2 years. Firstly, it is no one’s business, secondly, it has nothing to do with my career,  and thirdly it is not beneficial to anybody else.

All I want people to know is HOW I got through this, and HOW I overcame such a painful time. Because I know that divorce in our community, is another subject that is brushed under the carpet.

The stigma of divorce, depression, and all the other terms that are taboo in the asian community, need to be addressed. How else are we supposed to set an example to the younger generation if we are encouraging them not to face these big problems?

I received a message last night from a girl who was feeling suicidal, and after reading my article, she snapped out of it, and thanked me for motivating her to go seek the necessary help.

I was so heart broken reading that.

But then I was so happy I opened up about something so personal to me, because it made that difference to one person at least. And I can say that it was definitely the first time I have saved someone’s live!

Let us all save more!!!

I am grateful for all the comments, private messages, emails, and even text messages from previous clients, for sharing your stories, for supporting me sharing mine, and for wanting to help people who have also suffered or still suffer from this illness.

I was having a few bad days, which is ok, and I received a request from Women’s Planet to write an inspiring story for them. So I did. Timing, I tell you! Never did I imagine though, that I would get such a response. It really overwhelmed me and threw me off. I had never planned to ever talk about my depression, but reading all those private messages last night, made me realise that people were expecting me to share my story of how I overcame it. So I did. And I really hope this explains just a notion of who I am today!

I might not be able to make someone’s problems go away, but I can surely beautify them just for that one special day, and make them feel like they are worth everything. That is the power of my job, and I find it most rewarding. It is my way of giving back to the world, because we all deserve to feel and be happy.

I hope my blog was useful, and whether you yourself are suffering from depression, or know someone who does, then please take the necessary steps to seek/provide help.

Thank you

Just how much trouble am I in
for if this is a tunnel
I can see the other end painfully clearly
and let me tell you
it shines like a million happy tomorrows
the problem however
is that I have no way of telling
how long I’d have to walk
to touch that golden smiling sunrise
it could be weeks
it could be months
it could be lifetimes
it could all be a mirage
and turning back now
may be the only option
that could ever possibly
give me even half the joy
I am chasing
but I suppose I must admit
that I would rather spin out of control
down this deep deep tube
with the chance of hitting paradise
than completely give up
the possibility of attaining my own ideal
and know I make it out alive
—  A.O.A.M. || Tunnel 

5SOS as: cities → michael as: new york 
Michael as New York is the feeling of wind rushing past you as you drive through a tunnel, catching your breath momentarily. he is the feeling of hard concrete beneath your feet, the prickle of electricity in the air as you stand in the eye of the storm. he is the dark clouds that boil and churn above you. as New York he is the sound of a thousand different engines running and a thousand different languages all merging to create one single voice and one single thought: i am alive. Michael is the rush of smog in the air that permeates your lungs, the first drag on a cigarette that leaves you lightheaded. he is waiting for night to fall and then running down streets filled with stars and neon signs and every other person who cannot find peace in the quiet. he is fingers drumming incessantly against ribs in an attempt to match your heartbeat, he is kisses so hard they leave a bruise in the morning.  his type of love would be the kind that turns your stomach, that leaves you aching when his lips aren’t on yours. Michael’s love would catch like barbed wire on your skin, pulling you under and tangling you in his embrace. your love would be desperate, a need to empty yourself into the other person’s soul before they can change their mind and take their heart back. Michael as New York is reckless and unthinking, hopeful and fearless.

Taking a Leap...

Some of you may have noticed my inspirational quotes about acceptance today. Please forgive my need to get personal on here, but I think the anonymity of these blogs is boosting my confidence.  Today was a huge step in my journey to self acceptance and moving forward.  Feel free to ignore this or click the keep reading…

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anonymous asked:

Ok bot after this chapter I can only think of Justin Timberlake's Tunnel Vision ??????? Like!!!!!!!! OMG U DESTROYED ME but anyway: "A crowded room anywhere, a million people around, all I see is you there / Everything just disappears" and and "I got that tunnel vision for you / I only see you" and "Now that I know the truth, what am I supposed to do? / Changing up and breaking all my rules ever since we met / I'm so gone" anyway tks 4 writing this amazing fic!!!!! <3 <3 <3

This song fits very well!

pantaloonwedgie  asked:

1) dude. dude i read ch 6 last night and it was the best one yet. like, the story spock told about pike? and the fact that they're almost at the ore deposit? spcok having to /carry/ kirk all the way back through the tunnel?? (we are blessed) ALSO i am constantly fucking astounded at the range of sources you draw your material from, like?? the way you not only base your characterization on stuff we see all through the original series, but then you reference the most /obscure/ facts ive ever seen

2) it halfway pisses me off how well your story fits into the st universe with all of these refs and then i get mad because im a huge nerd and know where they’re all from….. for example even just in this last chapter, how you talked about i'chaya’s death from tas and then (and im guessing you read this book) that //single line// in vonda n mcintyre’s novelization of tsfs where she mentions that his eyes are gold-flecked… im so pumped to see the kind of shit you pull as this story goes on….

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!! THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME! I’m so glad you liked the chapter and the references!!!!!!!!! I’m trying to draw on so many different sources of canon and near-canon and it not only warms my heart but also blows my mind that you are picking up on all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m sure there are going to be some things that are non-canon-compliant and some things that draw on an aspect of near-canon that has divergent interpretations (like Tarsus IV, which has at least three near-canon accounts), but I’ve tried so hard to include little easter-eggs and references to the extended universe so like…. yes. Thank you so much. You’re a gem.

AND to be completely honest I totally forgot where the gold flecks came from! I knew I read it SOMEWHERE ages and ages ago and so it’s been in my head for a long time, but I honestly couldn’t remember if it was a fic or a novel so thank you so much for reminding me where it came from! (I love that book).

Thank you so much for reading and for always telling me what you’re enjoying about the fic!!!! Your messages literally never fail to bring a smile to my face. <3 <3 <3 Thank you thank you thank you!

I see you’re very comfortable here,” said Vimes weakly.
“Never build a dungeon you wouldn’t be happy to spend the night in yourself,” said the Patrician, laying out the food on the cloth. “The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.”
“We all thought you had built secret tunnels and such-like,” said Vimes.
“Can’t imagine why,” said the Patrician. “One would have to keep on running. So inefficient. Whereas here I am at the hub of things. I hope you understand that, Vimes. Never trust any ruler who puts his faith in tunnels and bunkers and escape routes. The chances are that his heart isn’t in the job.
—  Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett