i am not crying

The First and Last of Us

☇  childhood best friends au

genre: angst, fluff, implied smut

pairing: yoongi // you

word count: 7.1k

warnings: light, lightttt implied sexual themes but like barely anything. it’s like 0.001% of the story

Description: You have the privilege of having Min Yoongi be many of your firsts. But what you’ve learned to realize, is that your first will not always be your last.



Life is full of beautiful moments. From the way the first dawn rises, when the early morning sun just barely peeks a hello from behind the rolling mist covered mountains, to the sound of a baby’s first cry, cheeks a furious red and fresh into a new foreign, but perfectly imperfect world. But perhaps it is the first times that are the most special, one’s first steps, first words, first friend. And you had the privilege of having Min Yoongi be many of your firsts.

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“[…] this is just lovely. Perfect pacing, excellent sentences and best of all….all the feels.”

someone said this… about my writing. like something i wrote. me. words that came out of the pile of mush i called my brain. words that i smashed out on a keyboard with my own dumb fingers. 

“perfect pacing, excellent sentences”

guys. i failed english more times than i can count in school. i dropped out of high school. i can barely comprehend half the literary rules and guidelines there are. i still don’t even know when i should start a new paragraph and just break of my work into paragraphs that look like they might be correct. i only just figured out how to write dialogue properly (and i’m pretty sure i’m still not doing it perfectly). 

i’m not scholarly. i’m not educated. i was in remedial classes for most of my education. i have adhd and a severe learning disability. most days i have trouble comprehending basic explanations.

i was told i “wasn’t suited” for a career that would require a higher education.

i was told i would never excel at anything.

i was told i was stupid.

“perfect pacing, excellent sentences” 

Literally just all the sexual things Alexander Hamilton sent to John Laurens


“I love you.”

This one is pretty self explanatory. Men were much more intimate back in the 1700′s, forming bonds that seem very ~gay~ in today’s light. Homosexuality wasn’t a very understood thing back then because rigid moral codes and censured education prevented people from learning more about sexuality.

 But Alexander Hamilton knew.

 He grew up on an island where ‘Sodomites’ (gay people) were dumped and  allowed to mingle with the island population. Alex knew that there was a certain zone of interactions between men that went from being merely friendly to sexual. He clearly steps into the bounds of sexual while fully realizing it.

“In drawing my picture, you will no doubt be civil to your friend; mind you do justice to the length of my nose and don’t forget, that I [- - - - - -].”

Ahhhhhhhhh my son Alex, could you be more explicit? Alex here is obviously referring to his dick–not his nose– with the knowledge that John Lauren’s knows its size. This sentence right here is basically just one long ;).

 “Your friend” seems to be written teasingly, as if they both know how far from friends they are.

And we can only guess how dirty Alex got in those last six FUCKING CUT OUT words.

“Dear Boy” [sent by John Laurens]

John laurens calls his wife his ‘dear girl’, and here he calls Alex his ‘dear boy’.  Moreover, Laurens did not call any other man he ever wrote to as his ‘dear boy’. Laurens seems to see Alex as on the same level, if not higher, than his own wife.

“Did I mean to show my wit? If I did, I am sure I have missed my aim. Did I only intend to [frisk]? In this I have succeeded, but I have done more. I have gratified my feelings, by lengthening out the only kind of intercourse now in my power with my friend.”

This phrase right here I unfortunately do not see a lot when people talk about Alex and John’s letters. This, to me, is one of the most explicit. “Wit” also mean one’s penis (here I give a nod to the Ravenclaw moto), so Hamilton’s saying he was pretty much just dicking around with John the last letter he sent. This is the only sort of “intercourse” he is able to have with John, as they are both so far apart. He is incapable of ‘sexual’ intercourse because of their distance, so he feels he must, in the 18th century way, sext.

“I would invite you after the fall to Albany to be witness to the final consummation.”

As you might have already guessed, Alex is inviting John to a threesome on his wedding night. The idea that Alex feels so at ease inviting John to a threesome with his wife suggests they have already had something going for a long time now. 

“But like a jealous lover, when I thought you slighted my caresses, my affection was alarmed and my vanity piqued. I had almost resolved to lavish no more of them upon you and to reject you as an inconstant and an ungrateful –”

Here Alex compares himself to John’s lover, and a jealous one at that. John seems to be shying away from Alex’s bawdiness, as if realizing how strange their relationships is in retrospect. Alex is scrambling to hang on to him, even though he knows well what are and what happens to Sodomites. He would do anything for John while knowing the consequences. And John is too afraid to join him. And who the fuck knows what the last word was.

“And believe me, I am lover in earnest,”

*cough cough* looks like John knows exactly what happens when Alex’s feeling frisky.

“She [Eliza] loves you a l'americaine not a la francoise.”

The French were renowned for their relaxed stance on extramarital sex, while Americans were more Puritan-minding and thought sex only should happen in church-sanctioned marriages. Thus Eliza has an a l’americaine love of John Laurens, rather than an a la francoise.

“You will be pleased to recollect in your negotiations that I have no invincible antipathy to the maidenly beauties & that I am willing to take the trouble of them upon myself.”

*cough* this sentence is a bit confusing, and could be taken a few ways. What I infer from this is that Alexander Hamilton is willing, and John knows this, to assume an air of femininity because he finds no fault with it. It was commonly noted by people who wrote of Hamilton that he was very feminine in comparison with other men of his day. Alex’s femininity seems to please John, the topic even having been discussed between the two in ‘negotiations’.

“Yrs for ever”

Ok, this one isn’t sexual, but I had to add it because it is so heartbreaking. This was Alex’s last farewell note to John. That is, if he even received it. He died shortly after Alex sent the letter; whether he read the farewell or not is all lost to history. Alex loved John so much, despite the fact that both already had a wife. He would have always loved him, even if they had grown apart.. 

That’s it folks: time for me to cry.

does anyone else cry after dates, even really good dates, or is that just me and my over-emotional sensitive dramatic self?

Lonely Tears From A Longing heart

–It was just one of those days where a few princesses had come to visit the prince, filling the palace with soft giggles and angel-like voices, something that made it clear that these girls were royal from generations of bloodlines that made them what they were; beautiful, rich, almost like arts covered in gems and gold, making the exotic blond pale in comparison, at least to himself as his half-lidded azures hues watched how delicate digits took a hold of his master’s toned arm, resulting those familiar eyes to focus on the princess who was bodily asking for attention, and once that attention was on the angel-like features, a blush spread over them, combined with a smile as sweet as honey, making the servant’s heart throb painfully within his chest, for it made Marco realize how far beneath he was.. for he wasn’t royal, he wasn’t perfect or head-turningly beautiful, but they were; the princesses. Not only that, but they were worthy of the prince’s attention and carried a bloodline that gave them the privilege to pursuit the prince for marriage, something he never would be able to. By the great gods, he shouldn’t even think about such things as a mere servant, but here he was, lost in these painful thoughts, and contrary to other times, the exotic blond was unable to drag himself out of them, which was why he took the first opportunity he saw to leave without anyone noticing.  

Arriving at the main gate, Marco reported to the head-guard that he was going out and probably wouldn’t return for a while which the guard gave a short nod to after the exotic blond had declined the offer of an escort.

Slender legs carried the servant slowly through the large city where lots of eyes fell on Marco’s person, yet no attention was paid to the many curious eyes as all that was going through the blond’s mind were those giggles and the way the princesses had clung to the prince and how happy they seemed. They had no idea how lucky they were.. to be able to show emotions so freely and carry their hearts on their sleeves without a care in the world.

Today was a day where the servant couldn’t lock his heart away, couldn’t ignore the pain that came from seeing what he had seen at the palace. Usually, the exotic blond was good at ignoring the painful throbbing, good at telling himself that he had no right to feel as he did, however, now, right in this moment, it was too much, resulting tears to slowly escape his crystal clear azure hues as they gazed at nothing in particular while his legs carried him deeper and deeper into the dirt and stone covered streets of the large city. 

Reaching an abandoned rundown house, the servant went in before sitting down, shielding him from wandering eyes and people, not that he had seen that many this far into the depths of the city as this was where the normal people lived; people who weren’t noble and blessed by the gods.

Small dark spots could be seen slowly covering the slightly sand dirty stone floor as the tears kept on escaping the servant’s eyes before he curled in on himself, hiding his shameful face away from the world while dulling his sobs that started to grow in volume as he sat there alone like he had many times in the past; it was how it was to be a slave, no one cared whether you were happy or sad, in this case the exotic blond knew that his master would, but right now he couldn’t bear seeing the prince, couldn’t bear to face the sad reality that he was nothing but a mere servant and that his heart longed for something he could never have; not now, not in the afterlife - not ever.

The sounds of the sorrowful sobs bounced off the nearby walls, echoing in the small house as the exotic blond bit his lower lips to not be too loud while digging his blunt nails into his scalp in an attempt to get rid of the images of the prince smiling and laughing to the princesses that had clung to him with their perfect features and bodies that carried no ugly scars and no nervous tics that showed years of trauma. 

Marco had no idea how many hours he had been at it; crying himself dry until all he could feel was numbness, a numbness so familiar that it wasn’t a surprise when he felt nothing and saw nothing; no images, no painful perfect smiles - absolutely nothing. It was like a blessing from the gods, never mind if it shouldn’t be one. He was spend, and so.. the servant slowly got up while fixing his hair so it didn’t look like a mess before wandering out into the by now dark streets, towards the big familiar palace.

i feel like ryuji tends to overthink things, like, he’ll be awake at 3 am. laying in his bed & thinking to himself: do my friends even think of me as a friend? or am i just an idiot? but remembering what they’re all doing & how much they are trying he convinces himself that he’s finally liked & accepted somewhere. that he finally has a place to belong.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME CRY EVERY 1AM?

Knowing that Haechan is suffering quietly. The whole fandom knows he’s a savage and a little devil. But he’s the MOST sensitive among all of them. Yes he says he’s proud about his skin color, but it doesn’t mean that he won’t get hurt when people are saying shit about him. Okay, he’s not the type of handsome you’ll appeciate at 1st look like Taeyong, but the more you look at him the more handsome he gets. And now the rumour died down BUT THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE MY BABY ISN’T SMILING ANYMORE. Then I’d remember the radio show where Jaehyun and Johnny chose Mark over Haechan. Like I mean I get that they’re the foreign swaggers so they have a different bond and I also know that despite that they love Haechan too. BUT DO YOU EVER THINK THAT DONGHYUCK WOULD LAUGH ABOUT IT BUT DEEP INSIDE HE’S LIKE “I know I’ll never be as precious as Mark hyung” BECAUSE I THINK ABOUT THAT EVERY 1AM. BUT DOYOUNG MESSAGED AND SAID HE LOVES DONGHYUCK JUST MUCH AS HE LOVES MARK. You know why? Because Doyoungie knows Haechan would get sad about it. BECAUSE JUST LIKE HC, DY IS A MOOD MAKER AND IS SENSITIVE TOO. HE KNOWS WHAT HC FEELS. Everyone knows that Mark is treasured by everyone even the dreamies but then they’d only think of Donghyuck as savage and quirky but never as precious as Mark. And after the controversy Haechan might be thinking that “I didn’t do anything bad but I got this much hate and I hate myself more because I let this happen and it reflects badly towards NCT. Why can’t I be Mark hyung? He went to School Rapper and made everyone love him and NCT’s popularity increased bc of him but me? I’m nothing” but then he’d catch himself getting jealous but he won’t be jealous because HE LOVES MARK SO MUCH. HOW CAN HE BE JEALOUS WHEN AT THE SAME TIME HE LOVES MARK LEE. SO. FUCKING. MUCH? And that Mark loves him so much too? Don’t you think Mark feels bad for Haechan sometimes bc he always get the spotlight when he knows Donghyuck deserves it too? Donghyuck worked so so so hard. AND YET HIS FANCAMS ARE THE LEAST VIEWED EVEN AFTER MY FIRST AND LAST ERA. He makes sure his good points are seen on TV to prove that he’s not only a little devil but a good dongsaeng and hyung too. He works so hard in singing, dancing & variety. Most especially variety bc it’s the only thing he might be number one out of all the members. It took him 2 debuts and 2 comebacks to earn people’s attention and love AND ONE FUCKING RUMOR ENDED EVERYTHING JUST LIKE THAT.

You know what? Don’t mind me. I’m just on my period.

it just hit me.

when alec said he heard that relationships take effort, he’s talking about how he’s apologetic of how the evening went. the silent treatment on the walk back home, and that for a moment he was thinking of walking away because of his own insecurities and because it was easier. but he’s willing to put in the effort to work through their differences. and when magnus said he’s all for effort, that was him telling alec that he understands why he acted the way he did, he forgives him, and that alec shouldn’t feel insecure about his lack of experience, and he wants to put in the effort and work for it, together.

that kiss was an apology for the past, a confession of the current, and a promise about the future. it was raw, pure, unadulterated emotions. and all in under a minute.

we needa give harry, matt, and the writers all the awards in the world.

Originally posted by itscuteust