I realize that I’ve been somewhat vague and should probably actually provide an explanation of what’s going on with me. This is that summary:
Certain People (you know who you are) created an adorable infohazard baby and now I want one. Because I didn’t think I would possibly want children back when I was starting HRT I didn’t take any steps to make this possible. Soooo I’m off HRT now. Have been for about a week, will be for at least two more weeks but probably six months. (Well, more than six months, because then I’ll be getting surgery and have to stay off E for blood clotting reasons)
This means I’m low-key miserable all the time these days, and am starting to be kind of depressed. One notable symptom of this is that I’m a lot less capable of certain kinds of socializing than usual. Specifically, it’s really hard for me to initiate conversations or invite people to do things.
I’m not actually averse to talking to people or spending time with them, though! I just think that it’s pretty unlikely that any given person wants to interact with me at all, and so since other people matter and I don’t, it’s definitely not worth the minor inconvenience to them of me starting a conversation that they don’t in expectation want to have even if I expect to benefit.
All of which is to say, if you want to interact with me you will have to initiate most such interactions in the near future. And if you don’t, this is a public post that shouldn’t wind up in anybody’s notifications, so you have plausible deniability about having even seen it.
Hm. Inwardly yes, outwardly no? I feel a lot of things but I really have to know a person well before I can show emotions, either positive or negative, without joking about them or just blanking on it entirely. Recently I’ve been rereading Tamora Pierce’s “Protector of the Small” series and Keladry’s whole “I am a lake nobody can read my emotions” thing is … ah, familiar, shall we say.
What do you do when you’re sad?
Depends on what kind of sad and how fixable the sad is. This past week I’ve been fairly miserable because the weather is getting me down, but I know there’s really nothing I can do about that, so I make a point of seeking out happy things and cuddling up when I need to and being productive, which is actually a big sadness thing for me. If I’m upset, I frequently find something to clean or cook or organize or otherwise Get Done.
I have a fear of inadequacy. I feel as though I am responsible for everyone’s happiness, like if I’m capable of making someone happier, I have a responsibility to do so and I WANT to do so. I’m an emotional sponge, I just cannot be in environments with a lot of stress or conflict or I start to get very agitated as well. I don’t know how to compartmentalize, I was going to be a clinical psychologist before I realized that I’m not capable of clinical detachment. I’m terrible at comforting others, because when someone is upset I automatically empathize and I am in their shoes, just as miserable as they are about this thing, and I don’t know how to be the happy distraction most people like to have when they’re stuck in the mud.
I’ve been meaning to share this with you all. A few week ago, I got an assignment to remake a photograph that spoke to me. You may remember the photo essay from 1949 that made the rounds a couple years ago, documenting subject Dorothy Bradley’s struggle to “"beat obesity.”“ (CW for weight loss talk, etc. at that link.) Struck by how miserable she looks in all her pictures, I wanted to remake the photo with my own body. Her proportions weren’t very different from my own! I wanted to recreate the situation, but with the privacy, power and love she was denied.
It was one of my first shooting assignments and I had a lot to learn about focus and light and resisting the siren call of the contrast slider. Um, I still do. But I am fond of the way it turned out even if there are lots of things I would change. I’d love to take another crack at it when I get a chance–maybe recreate some more photos. What do you think?
my dream is truly to live peacefully in a cute clean functional home with my love(s), my family and friends are safe and healthy and I see them regularly, I am making a lot of art and am equally as engaged in my community as I am engaged in personal private quiet time for myself, I am able to easily pay for all my living expenses while occasionally being able to give small gifts to the people in my life, my whole support system is invested in mutual growth and we look back at these years and laugh about how miserable things were then when it is so good now
I’m making it a choice. I came down with a nasty cold yesterday, and I’m feeling pretty miserable. I’m frustrated, because there’s a lot I want to do at home, but I’m lucky to get dinner made lately.
So here are some positive things about my new job:
1) They have a standing company huddle every morning in which each person shares any obstacles from the day before, their priorities for the current day, any issues they foresee, and support they may need from other team members. The woman I’m replacing resents this meeting, but I am finding it super helpful.
2) I can wear jeans! Pretty much anything but shorts is considered acceptable.
3) There’s a lovely view of blue sky and palm trees, and my desk is next to a large window.
4) I’m getting less sitting time. I get out of the office to visit properties, and I work in a two story building and climb the stairs throughout the day.
5) I can start as early as I like and either leave earlier or work overtime.
I saw the new Jurassic World trailer and it made me even more miserable than the first did (if you follow me on twitter you saw some distressed tweets), but you know what, I thought about it, and there are a few things that would really resolve much of it for me:
a scene where the genetic engineers mention that they actually built phenotypically accurate dinosaurs but the public didn’t like them
they SHOW those feathery dinosaurs and furry pterosaurs because a thowaway line ain’t gonna satisfy me
the whole business with the neo-rex “hunting for sport” is just a misunderstanding of an intelligent and curious predator and nobody fucking murders it in the end
That would all make me feel much happier. I’ve expressed my thoughts on the whole “well they don’t have to look like dinosaurs because they are genetic hybrids” concept- a) why call them dinosaurs at all then (and it’s not like they look like any other animal they’d be theoretically hybridized with) and b) that excuse could easily be turned around to say “we used bird DNA instead of frog DNA to make the dinosaurs look the way they actually used to” and c) it’s really just an excuse for LAZINESS imo.
But I have to admit that it would be quite clever of them to explain their inaccuracies by saying the park geneticists made what the public expected and wanted to see. Because that would actually be kind of meta. And if they made a commentary on that work it would actually elevate this movie quite a bit.
I have the feeling that won’t happen, though, and despite said theories of genetic manipulation the movie will cheerfully talk about all its dinosaurs as DINOSAURS. Y'know, because the neo-rex is special because it’s the only hybrid there.