i am miserable about a lot of things

td;lr: My Marxist Professor said some wild things

So I have quite a long story for y’all regarding my Marxist professor. In fact, he’s such an interesting person that I’m not going to give him his own tag (#adventures with my marxist professor)… so if you wanna track my wild stories about him, you know where to look lmao.

So on Thursday night, he had scheduled a pub outing with he and our class. I wanted to go because the pub was located about 10 minutes (on foot) from my internship, plus I want good grades in his class and I believe that part of getting a good grade entails getting to know your professor a little better by going to his office hours and seeing him outside of class to discuss class work). 

So anyways, I show up at the pub and he’s sitting at one of the tables so I join him. What ended up happening is that nobody else in my class showed up to his pub outing invitation. It was just me and him. Me, a 21-year old American Republican, and this 32 year-old Greek Marxist. I knew it was going to be an interesting night and quite frankly, I was far from disappointed; it’s made for a great story to tell at parties and to tell anyone, really. I will certainly never forget it!

He buys me a pint of cider. I insisted on paying but he wouldn’t let me! It was really nice of him to do that. The cider tasted great. He ordered a beer. 

Anyways, we get to talking. He notices the Republican elephant necklace I’m wearing and points to it with a furrowed brow and half smile. My reflex was to tuck it back underneath my collar because I was full aware of his political views. Then he goes all “DOn’t worry, I’m not going to give you a bad grade or hate you for your political views! But I do have a question for you… why do you hate poor people?” His blunt question kind of threw me off guard so I asked him if he was being serious or sarcasm… hint: he was completely serious. So I told him that I don’t hate poor people at all. I went on to explain to him about my beliefs in low taxes and a free market, and how I don’t believe in government handouts to those who don’t want to work. 

So we end up in a heated debate. He starts telling me that he hates Capitalism and that he hates the rich because as a direct result, other people suffer. He continues to talk about wealth privilege and how Capitalism promotes that. I acknowledged his argument by saying that I felt fortunate that I was born into a well-off family, but I told him that they haven’t always been well-off. He then exclaimed, “A Republican acknowledging her privilege? That’s unusual! Not only do you benefit from wealth privilege but you also benefit from white privilege! The fact that you have blonde hair allows you to benefit from white privilege even more!” I told him I wasn’t a real blonde and he responded with “Yeah, but you look like a natural blonde so others don’t know it’s fake. If I dyed my hair blonde, everyone would know it’s fake.” 

He then went on to say that he doesn’t like Obama because he benefits from wealth privilege and he also said that Obama is still half white so benefits from white privilege too. He also claimed that Obama is more white than he is, which confused me because he’s full blood greek and I’m fairly certain that the Greeks are more white than a biracial white/black man is… unless I’m completely missing something?

Next he asks me about my views on abortion. i tell him I believe it’s morally wrong and he expresses is bafflement on how I could possibly be female AND pro life. I told him that it’s not a matter of gender, it’s matter of ethics and I believe that abortion is ethically wrong.

We discuss the Second Amendment next. He believes that people should not be allowed to own guns, I firmly disagree with that. That was the gist of that discussion. He tells me that he used guns when he fought in two wars. Which is why he has a cane – he injured his knee in war and had to get it replaced. He told me that I must love the fact that he fought in wars considering I’m a Republican and all. To be honest, I don’t automatically love someone just because they fought in a war and I’m Republican.

After our brief abortion and guns discussion, I ask him his views on Marx, Lenin, and Stalin. He was born in Moscow originally, because his parents were diplomats. He says he grew up with a lot of Communist influence so that’s sort of how he learned about Marxism and began to identify with it. He claims he is a Marxist, Leninist, and a Stalinist. I ask him how he justifies being a Stalinist even though Stalin killed millions of people, even more than Hitler did. I was worried that maybe he would deny Stalin’s atrocities like a Neo Nazi denies HItler’s atrocities, but he didn’t deny them whatsoever. He said in response that “individual life is not worth much” along with a weirdly explained, jumbled answer surrounding that explanation. I felt I may have put him in the spotlight. It made me a bit uncomfortable to be honest. 

He tells me that religion is the “opiate of the people”, as Marx said. I found it funny that he hated religion and capitalism so much considering that he teaches at a private Catholic university.

We go back to talking about Capitalism. I tell him that a person deserves money for their labor and he tells me he disagrees because every person should just willingly help out in society so no one is poor. He says he hates the rich with a passion because it isn’t fair. I retort with saying “So what you’re saying is that if one person is poor and miserable, then we should all be poor and miserable?” He says yes, and his blunt honesty shocked me but I still appreciated his honesty instead of straight up lying about it. 

Later on, things get personal. He tells me about the things that he’s gone through in the past (and boy has he had to go through A LOT OF HORRIBLE things). I’m not going to talk about them here because that stuff is real private and I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone. 

He then tells me that I am extremely unlikeable because I come off as arrogant, standoffish, and socially… different. I ask him why and he tells me that I’m a really intense person in that my preferred topics of conversation tend to be heavy. I’m also not super bubbly and I don’t act friendly just for the sake of being friendly. He says that it’s a result of me being highly intelligent. Every time he complimented me, he would say “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this to a Republican but you’re very intelligent.” He said it was too late for me to change others’ minds of me and I said that I thought that was unfortunate because I always give people second and third chances in making impressions on me. He tells me that I’m extremely open minded as a person and again, he can’t believe he’s saying that to a Republican. 

He told me that we’re a lot alike in that we’re both really intense and intelligent people and that most people don’t like that and so they don’t want to talk to us that much. I was complimented when he told me I was highly intelligent but kinda sad when he explained how I came across to people. On the contrary, I was so relieved by is brute honesty. I knew I was having trouble socializing with people and I kept trying to figure out why. He didn’t brush things over and I appreciated that. 

We sat in the pub and talked for 4 hours. He told me that, and he can’t believe he’s saying this, but I, a Republican, held his interest and attention for 4 hours and apparently, people rarely hold his interest and attention. 

Ultimately, I have extremely mixed feelings about him. I HATE his views with a burning passion. Sometimes he hurt my feelings. But he was honest and he liked to engage in debate and he’s, although politically stupid in my opinion, generally highly intelligent. The man speaks 8 languages fluently after all! I don’t know what to think, honestly. I’m so confused!

you know what? people really do indirectly force you to grow up fast. and you might not even realize it, but when you come to a certain age, like when you are at college, people suddenly want you to drop all the things that make you happy (i am talking about music, bands, artists, tv shows and such). like they wont tell you what you should be doing but everyone is expecting from you to “grow up” and become a miserable adult like the rest of them.

digdipper09  asked:

Fecki n g hell, I'm not obsessed with this freaking AU where Tony-loving-Howard comes to the future. Especially because of that Tony-turning-into-child thing. It's amazing how fluffy it is and I am all. OVER. THAT. And also Bucky feeling miserable over that is... just... I did not expect that heartbreak at the end of such an adorable short man. Gahd! Ugh... I just love how... adoring Howard is... god, I imagine this Howard to sound a lot like Maes Hughes....

I MADE AN AU IN AN AU. AU-CEPTION. (Jesus Christ imagine AU Howard and Maes Hughes in a room, gushing about their children, wallets out and both of them have ridiculous amounts of pictures of them.)

FOLLOW UP:

Howard brings Tony back down to the kitchen. He takes a moment to feel heart broken about how obvious it is that Tony’s only recently moved back into the room of his childhood–because there are more clothes from his childhood there than suits.

Natasha sees the dress Tony’s wearing, white with red polka dots, and manages a small smile. “That’s a pretty dress, Tony. You look very nice.”

Tony hides behind Howard’s legs shyly. “Thank you. My friend Jan made it for me.”

“It’s very becoming. The red makes your eyes pop.”

“That’s what Jan said!” Tony exclaims, leaning around Howard to beam up at her, shyness apparently forgotten.

Natasha has to bite back a dopey grin. “Jan has excellent taste. Do you want some milk tea?”

Tony clambers into a seat with no grace whatsoever, not even flinching when Howard rushes to tuck his skirt back down properly. “Sounds gross!” he says cheerfully. “I’ll try it. Are you one of Daddy’s friends? ‘cause you were with Captain America and Sergeant Barnes?”

“…Yes,” she decides, because honestly what else can she say. “But I like to think I’m your friend, too.”

Tony beams at her as he accepts the mug she hands him. “You wanna be friends with me?”

“Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend?” Natasha asks, honestly curious. “You’re smart, funny, adorable. Sometimes we race when we’re wolves. You even let me win sometimes to make me feel better.”

“I win?!” Tony exclaims excitedly.

Natasha ruffles his hair. “All the time.”

Howard has no idea if she’s lying out of her ass or not but he puffs his chest out proudly anyway. “Of course he does! He’s perfect.”

Natasha turns back to the stove quickly so they can’t see her crying with the effort of holding in her laughter because Jesus Christ. These Starks.

Tony takes a sip of the milk tea. “This is really weird!” he decides. He thinks about it for a few seconds. “…But a good weird.” He slurps up more. It’s weird but not bad, and it warms him from the inside out. He doesn’t want to tell Daddy, but he’d been shivery cold ever since the monsters attacked.

Howard pats him on the back. “I’m glad. But remember, you’re supposed to keep your skirt down. We’ve been over this. Some people would be offended.”

Tony huffs, rolling his eyes. “Daddy,” he says primly. “Natasha was the one that got me proper clothes. She’s already seen me naked.” He pauses. “…I wonder why I was a wolf when those monsters attacked.”

Howard gapes at him speechlessly.

Natasha wheezes and covers her mouth with her fist. God, she was gonna pee herself at this rate.

ID #99114

Name: Chris
Age: 16
Country: USA

It’s summer break right now? And I won’t be seeing my friends for a really long time. For this break, I really want to be able to talk to people and stop myself from falling into a destructive spiral lol. I’m right now in a Les Miserable kick, but honestly I love almost every musical I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard of quite a few. I love writing, role playing and the like. I’m currently in the 11th grade now (wow) and am working my way through. I love singing and acting, although I haven’t acted in a very long time. I play piano and guitar. I once tried the clarinet and it just didn’t work out for me. Im almost consistently on mobile so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little bit slow. I don’t watch too much television, I do my best to keep up with movies but it doesn’t always work. I know a little bit about a lot of things. I’m an aspiring Biologist/Political science major (haven’t decided) and have very very strong opinions. I’ll try not to bore you too much with them, however. I’ve been told that’s a problem.

Preferences: I mean, I would prefer someone 15-18. I don’t mind the gender or sexuality or anything of that sort. Other than that? I wanna talk to anyone and everyone.

I’ve gotten to the part about Les Mis in the biography and I have A LOT TO SAY and A LOT OF FEELINGS but most I will have to save for tomorrow when I am less worn out, but real quick, this quote though:

“This is the touchstone of all adaptations of Les Miserables, musical or cinematic: to turn Javert, the tenacious respecter of authority, ‘that savage in the service of civilization’, into the villain of the piece is to deprive the novel of it’s dynamite, to point the finger at a single policeman instead of at the system he serves.”

THIS THIS THIS Graham Robb understands me. Like the thing about Javert is that yes, he does cruel things, that is undoubtedly true, and he doesn’t like, get a free pass or anything, but the great tragedy of Javert is that not only does he serve a society intent on punishment of those “miserable” ones it’s that he was BORN as one of those people, born in a jail. Society took one of those “miserable ones” trained him up, and turned him against the place from whence he came. Everyone, including the people guarding or  even defending this society, can get caught up in the wheel with the potential to be hurt. 

Anyway I have feelings, definitely more on this section tomorrow. 

Ok, so I’ve always had issues of self control. AKA I have none. Especially when it comes to emotional and/or eating out of boredom. But it’s gotta stop and I’m having troubles doing so.

I’m pre diabetic. Just under a year ago I found out I’m gluten intolerant. And yet I have the hardest time giving up sweets and carbs (breads, pasta, pastries, DONUTS, licorice, etc) even tho I KNOW i feel better off of them because I’m always able to go gluten free for about 2 weeks and then I flop. Its expensive. I’ve lived on things made of wheat my whole life, CARBS, etc.

But I’ve got to do something. Soon. I’ve been gaining a lot of weight. I feel miserable. Nothing fits anymore. 

I’m going to start taking Apple Cider Vinegar, because it’s apparently a great supplement to add to your meals, but I’d like to do something else.

I am low on spoons a lot of the time (thanks depression) and work has me sitting down for 10hrs a day….but what would you guys suggest?

What's happening? I don't know

Things are going on in my life, and I’m trying to give everything a place. But it’s hard. I don’t have control over this, all I can do is try to be there for others while finding a way to handle it myself.
I want to get away from it all, so maybe I’ll focus myself on writing. On the other hand I feel miserable and don’t have the energy to write. I don’t know when you guys can expect another fanfic/update, or if I’ll use my blog a lot. I just don’t know.
I might be very active, or very inactive, I don’t know. The only thing I can tell you is No, I am not okay. No, I don’t really feel like talking about it, it mostly just makes me angry.
But I’m not going through this alone. I have people supporting me, people going through the same shit. And when all of this is over, I will be okay again.

-Anke out

anonymous asked:

First i'm gonna say-- I really love your writing, fluff, comedy and angst alike. Second, could i please request Henry x Fem!Robin, where Henry drives away someone trying to score with his crush/spouse?

It was a pattern; Whenever you walked into town, despite Henry being by your side, holding your hand, or even having his arm around your waist, some gross man was eying you up. Others went so far as to flirt with you, right there!

It was driving the dark mage batty.

You specifically told him not to hex anyone or curse them, when he brought the matter up. Despite trying to convince you otherwise, you were firm. There would be no death-bringing upon nasty men, no matter how bad it was.

But that’s where he found the loophole.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Have you ever had trouble finding true friendship? (Publish)

Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever truly connected with anyone before. I’ve never met anyone where I am comfortable enough to be entirely myself. And I am bored with everyone, even my best friends. Then again, I’m only in high school and I have many more people to meet. I’m hoping I’ll “find my people” in college. It would be devastating if I don’t, considering the thing I desire most in life is companionship.

This turned into a journal entry real quick lmao. Anyone else?

The Signs From A Libra's Perspective
  • Aries: You guys are hilarious for starters. Always find a way to cheer me up, and even though we clash sometimes you always understand me at the end of the day. Love to explore, and I am so down to follow you anywhere. Killer sense of style, surprisingly amazing/ecclectic music taste. HARD WORKERS. When you guys zero in on something BOY DO YOU ZERO IN.
  • Taurus: My partners in crime. You guys are so deep, and I am so honored I've seen that side of you. You're two steps ahead of everyone at all times, but nobody knows except for me. Total boss ass bitches--unstoppable. When you care about someone you really care about them, but when you don't its hilarious and I live for all the shade you throw! Also the biggest underdogs who I champion 24/7.
  • Gemini: My roof in the pouring rain. Complex individuals who are so misunderstood it breaks my heart. They build up walls but boy when they tear them down for you they are AMAZING. Great listeners, always there for me, HILARIOUS. Always someone I can have fun with, so special to me. I can 1000% let my hair down with them and they can do the same with me. Has no issue telling the truth, so analytical. They have huge hearts but are so lowkey about it. Great sense of style, the greatest taste in music. They are their own worst enemies though, nobody can criticize a Gemini more than they do themselves. LOVEABLE ASSHOLES.
  • Cancer: Though they are stereotyped to be very sensitive, nurturing and that weird "uwu" type of person--I beg to differ. Every Cancer I know is a badass and very practical. Ultra snarky and sarcastic little shits AND I LIVE FOR IT. They always have something rad going on with their hair too, very rebellious. They do have a sensitive though, and they try hard to conceal it by rebelling--but I see you guys it's okay to feel that way!!
  • Leo: IS THERE ANYTHING A LEO CAN'T DO?? When I think of you guys, the quote "Anything you can do I can do better" reverberates in my mind. Leo's are the closest thing I get to a physical version of a reality check. They are the ones who bring me down when my head is in the clouds and I get too idealisitc. Confident in various aspect of life but lack that same confidence in others. Bright minds, extremely intelligent. Sometimes can be very unsympathetic, often overlook emotions. Funloving, they are the center of attention and rightfully so. Charming, know how to get what they want out of anyone. Great taste in cinema, my favorite person to debate with. ALWAYS check in on me even when I don't have the time for them, always make time for me no matter how busy and I appreciate them for it so much. Cunning, excellent orators--such cadence in their speech it blows me away.
  • Virgo: I either love you guys or I....don't. To those that I love dearly you are everywhere at once, you are more than what you fear at night in bed. Brave souls with creative minds--always thinking outside the box! Such Casanovas though like how do you guys get all the bitches??? Teach me your ways! Always listen to my advice. SO.FREAKING.ORGANIZED. Great with money, channel their emotions into their creative outlets. One with nature, really at peace when they are content with their surroundings. Very logical and objective..but not the best with understanding why they may feel a certain way.
  • Libra: Oh hey...you're me?? Awkward. What's up? Every Libra I know is a huge people pleaser. Has a hard time saying no..like a really hard time saying no. Lowkey assholes. (especially Libra guys) We're kind of on another planet sometimes, the worst texters I know but yet we're always on our phones?? Hands down THE STYLISH OF THE ZODIAC OK?? Such nerds though..take their academic careers so seriously. Either super shy--that type of kid who doesn't talk and then says something really real/ funny and everyone is like ?!!!?!?!?!? or THE LIFE OF THE FREAKING PARTY. Passive aggressive little fucks and I live for it when it isn't directed towards me. Great listeners, give you the best advice. Hate when we feel taken advanatage of...usually know when we are being taken advantage of. Fiercely loyal, flirty (WE THINK WERE BEING FRIENDLY OK) Lowkey really sad we can't save the world with our idealistic visions.
  • Scorpio: Like virgos..I love you or I...don't. Your quiet nature reassures me, but I know your emotions are like a volcano. Very hands on, dark, hilarious. Some of you come for advice and listen to me...others not so much. Introverted Scorpios are my favorites, and I live for your insight. Your passion astounds me! As for extroverted types: BE YOURSELF. I PROMISE YOU PEOPLE LIKE YOU MORE IF YOU STOP FAKING IT. Either extemely selfless or extremely selfish--a lot of extremes with you guys. Very vocal, have an issue with being wrong though. (it's ok I do too)
  • Sagittarius: SO.FREAKING.FUNNY. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. You know how to party and how to throw one even better. Amazing at whatever profession they choose to go into. Have an eye for colors, more so than anyone else. Excellent cooks, killer makeup artists. Like Geminis, they too have big hearts it just is under alot of snarkiness. Would go to the end of the earth for someone they care about. SO.FIERCE. IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. However, do NOT wrong them--you will either be dead to them or they will make your life a living hell. They are my driving force, they ask me to jump and I say "How high?"
  • Capricorn: Yes, they are hard workers, yes, they are everything the astrology stereotypes say about them. Capricorns are sweethearts but you have to go on a journey to discover this. They will only show you this side if they deem you good enough, and that is because they don't want you to hurt them. Loyal, oddly incredibly athletic??? SUCH DORKS. Deep down, they need you though, so be there for your Capricorn. When they are certain about who they are they are a delight, when they are uncertain of who they are it is a living nightmare.
  • Aquarius: Oh Aquarius....what can I say about Aquarius. Some of you are my detached weirdo alien bffs...others well damn. The only one of the zodiac who is fully capable of making me the happiest person alive or the most miserable person alive. Your attention shifts a lot, you're never forward, one minute you chase me the next I'm chasing you. We are like cat and mouse. There is a side to you only few have seen, some days I am grateful I have seen it and other days I wish you never showed me it because it makes judging every thing you do even harder. The smartest people I know, walking Wikipedias--super cool, so goofy. Someone who I would sadly go to the ends of the earth for no matter what. You bring out the best in me and the very worst in me. I wish we loved each other in the same way, I wish you loved me like I love you but I'm okay with that at this point.
  • Pisces: Misunderstood souls. Old souls who deserve the world. You inspire me to strive to help everyone all the time and to love everyone all the time. It breaks my heart to see you mistreated because you deserve to be SO HAPPY. Never lose sight of your humanity because one day you will be in a better place and you will need it. Deeply sensitive but not in the critical whiny baby way--they are extremely intuitive and are often overlooked. Brilliant writers, their pieces will move you and bring tears to your eyes. Simultaneously a cutie pie and a freaking BOMBSHELL VIXEN. LOVES SPACE SO MUCH. Empowering. I wish you loved yourself as much as I love you.
INFJ Confession #99

I have a fear of inadequacy. I feel as though I am responsible for everyone’s happiness, like if I’m capable of making someone happier, I have a responsibility to do so and I WANT to do so. I’m an emotional sponge, I just cannot be in environments with a lot of stress or conflict or I start to get very agitated as well. I don’t know how to compartmentalize, I was going to be a clinical psychologist before I realized that I’m not capable of clinical detachment. I’m terrible at comforting others, because when someone is upset I automatically empathize and I am in their shoes, just as miserable as they are about this thing, and I don’t know how to be the happy distraction most people like to have when they’re stuck in the mud.

anonymous asked:

winn?

3 things we have in common:
- we are both generally nervous and anxious people. Although I do want to have a life of adventure or whatever I wouldn’t put myself in situations where I’m uncomfortable. We find it pretty hard talk as confidently as others and in general I actual speak in a similar manner to Winn, phrase wise as well as a lot of using my hands to talk.
- I joke about trauma and my insecurities like all the time.
- I’m pretty sure I’d be in love with every superhero I meet too.
(Bonus: I stress eat)

3 things that are different:
- I am not that smart nor would I be able to learn alien languages that fast. I am really bad at learning languages in general. I try really hard but fail miserably.
- My dad although kind of annoying is pretty good and would no way do what Winns dad did.
- Fuckicantthinkofanythingelse. I could not perfect that slide he did to hug J'onn

conjunctionjunkie  asked:

3, 16, and 70

Going for the heavy shit first, huh?

3: Do you regret anything?
A hell of a lot. I think what I regret most is allowing myself to fall into complacency in my schoolwork. I had a teacher in fourth grade that let us grade out own homework. So, naturally, I didn’t do it. That has stuck with me ever since then and made my life miserable as far as my ability to do school.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?
It’s hard to put it into words. I have been having a lot of existential dread and my depression is through the roof recently. I feel hopeless honestly, especially since I’m 27 and I have nothing to show for it. Everyone keeps trying to get me back into school and I am very anxious about going back. I’m grappling with some personal issues about my identity which aren’t helping things. Work is stressful when it shouldn’t be, I have to clean my room, my car needs to be fixed, etc. I constantly swing between total emotional shutdown and stressed.

70: Is there anyone you would die for?
Honestly, no. I mean, I’d like to think that I would still get between for friends or whatever, but there’s really no one that important to me. I mean, I can cut people out and not think about them ever again, so it’s all whatever to me. I guess that comes with being emotionally constipated, I guess.

always better together | laila & naomi;

My dearest Naomi,

I have thought a lot about what to write you in this letter and I did not come with
a good conclusion, so here comes my attempt.
Unfortunately (
I guess so) we won’t be spending vacations, holidays and countless weekends together anymore   Antonin it’s always on missions and I’m now living
in a hidden base; I bet you can imagine how much I hate it  and how lonely I am feeling,
I wish we could be together; any place it’s better than
here.
However, I am not writing you this letter to complain about my current miserable life
 it pains me to aknowledge that this war it’s taking a lot of things from me and
you, my dear cousin, it’s one of them.
I am worried and scared about everyone and everything I will not
deny it. So, now
I beg you: please take care and be careful. We are living Dark Times, we need to be aware of it.
Please, if you will not be able to fully answer this just  just stay where you are, do
not risk your luck.
I miss you, my beautiful cousin. Toni does too.

Sincerely yours,
Laila Dolohov.

PS: If you are in danger just send me Помогите мне двоюродныйб ат and will find you.

Laila finished Naomi’s letter, folded it and sealed with the Dolohov family seal. The girl called her owl - Drakon, and wrapped the heavy parchment on the it’s leg. Go find Naomi and do not come back here without her answer.❞ She sweetly patted his head and Drakon flew away - Laila wished he was lucky on his trip.

I am quite good on little sleep. I think a lot of that is an attitude thing. I think the same about hangovers. You can compound your misery by not getting out of bed and not facing the day. But if you actually get the f*** up you might not be as miserable.
—  Jamie Dornan, The Telegraph interview.
On Running

Someone, I can’t even remember who now, replied to my post about how discouraged and depressed I was over my running progress, or lack thereof. The reply was something along the lines of “Running is not for you! Try something else that doesn’t make you miserable!”

This was good, reasonable advice. It is also the line I have replayed angrily in my head on nearly every run since. In the uncomfortable quiet, I hear my own voice reply “I don’t CARE if it’s not for me. That’s the whole POINT of this. I am the one in control of this body and we are doing this thing because we hate it. We are learning to run in spite of ourselves.”

And I’ve been thinking a lot about choosing to do the thing you least want to do. About the line between discipline and abuse. About not hating ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love. The only hint of pleasure in running for me is in running as a form of punishment, and the momentary sense of accomplishment from completing a painful and difficult task. But more than three months in and I am still doing it, increasing my duration in tiny increments each week, berating myself if I feel I’ve been too slow, or paused too often, or worse yet, unable to complete the task I’ve arbitrarily laid out for myself.

It seems to me that the problem is not the running or even my inexplicable commitment to running in spite of every clear indication that I was not cut out for such things. The problem is that I haven’t learned yet how to balance my commitment with my compassion. The runs have become a way to tame a disobedient self. Exercise as an exercise in emotional self-control.

Other people have asked me “why don’t you try something else?” and the answer comes so rapidly, I must have always known it was there: because this is the thing I cannot do, and that is not acceptable to me.

Originally posted by i-lost-my-puddin

Requested by  female-alphawolf <3
Prompt:  Joker is sick and reader takes care of him! Please! I am sorry for having so many requests. I get you probably have a lot to do. Sorry! Love you blog! 😘😘

MASTERLIST. KO-FI.

You were not quite sure what to do – your boyfriend was sick and refused to stay still because he wanted to ‘wreak havoc’ and ‘make Batman miserable’. You’d agree to any of those things in a heartbeat if you weren’t worried about him so. You cooed him into bed and gave him some medicine to ease the headache, lastly having had enough of his rambling and just joining him under the sheets. Once you did, he shat up in an instant.

He rested his head on your chest, a place he found comfortable like no other, and hummed something as you caressed his green locks. You stared into the distance with no particular direction in mind once the soft call of your name left his lips. You locked gazes with him and smiled softly, “Yes?”

“Stay with me.”

The thought of leaving never even crossed your mind.

Requests are opened!

I don’t believe in fate or any fairy tale like magic that brought two people together, but I’d like to believe that something bigger, something greater got me to where I am right now to meet someone, you. I know this is just the beginning and we have a world far ahead of us, but let me tell you this anyway.. I’ll tell you this anyway.

You are a breath of fresh air. I used to feel like I’m drowning in this bottomless ocean. Always struggling to keep my head above water while gasping for air. Wanting to fight, but waiting for it to end at the same time. But baby, you reached your hand to me and pulled me above it all. And I’m not saying that you’re some kind of knight and shining armor because we both know you are not. You just happen to be the guy who saved the girl who’s drowning with her own darkness by giving her enough light to find her way out.

You are a blanket of soft and warm things that keeps me safe. And I know we haven’t touched. You haven’t held my hand, nor hug me in your arms, but somehow, with your little ways, I feel so secure. It’s not that nothing can go wrong when I am with you, but the certainty that amidst all the chaos and storms that may pass through my life, I’ll still have you with me. And honestly, that’s what all I need, for someone to stay with me.

You make me happy. Your mere existence makes me happy, but the fact that I’m a part of your life makes me happier. You caught me off guard with your words that sometimes my pale skin turns into a reddish hue. And oh boy, I’m so good at putting a straight face, but I’m struggling and failing to keep it when I’m talking to you. You got me burying my face under the sheets or behind my pillow just to hide the smile that kept forming on my lips but that’s okay.

You understand me. You understand that I can’t be happy all the time. Sometimes I can be one hell of a pain in the ass and sulk about petty things. I can even affect the mood you’re on with my foul mood and for that, I am sorry. I’m sorry and thank you. I’m a moody person and despite all of that you keep on understanding me.

You removed the layers and layers of covering I put to hide myself to anyone. I don’t know what’s so different about you, but you break the walls, you break my walls. I trust you enough to see the parts of me that I never trusted anyone to see. And I know that they are not all “good” parts, but you accepted them anyway. You accepted me anyway. But there are still a lot of things that I haven’t told you and I kept on failing miserably to tell you because I’m not good at saying and speaking freely what I am actually feeling. But soon, baby, I’ll tell you everything that is to know about me.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to end this letter. And you may think that this is not really for you, but it is. All the words I wrote here, as incredulous as they may get, they are all intended for you.

And baby, I’m scared of where this thing might end up, but if it is with you, I’m willing to take the risk. I’m okay with being scared. I’m okay with the uncertainty of the future. Because for now, I am happy to have you.

—  140 characters wouldn’t be enough to tell you everything and so is this // s.j.