i am just really confident for some reason today

I Have Always Loved You

Summary: You and Junior have always been friends, but one night you realize you have feelings for him. You keep these feelings hidden, afraid to ruin your friendship, but one drunken night, you let your feelings slip.

Character: Junior and You

Genre: Romance/Smut/Rate M

Warning: Sexual content.

Length: 2942

You never thought of Junior as anything more than a friend, but he was your best friend. You guys hung out all of the time, and you felt like you could tell him anything. It wasn’t that that you didn’t think Junior was boyfriend material. You guys had just been friends for so long, that you didn’t even think about other possibilities. Plus, either him or you were always dating someone. But there was something about tonight that just felt different.

You two had gone to see a movie together, and now he was walking you back to your apartment. You guys were laughing about the silliness of the main character, when you glanced over in his direction. The moonlight must have been shining at the perfect angle, illuminating his jawline in the dark light. For a moment, you felt like you couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t like you hadn’t found Junior attractive before. You knew very well he had grown into a handsome man. You just never looked at him before in that way.

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A non-scale victory. About three months ago, a boutique was having a huge sale and I found this dress. I loved this dress but it wasn’t the most flattering at all and I have never felt confident in such a light colored dress. I bought it because why the hell not. I would just buy some spanx and wear it to a wedding or something.

But hallelujah, today I am confident enough that I’m looking for am reason to wear it. Hard work really does pay off. It’s so nice to buy the dress you want not just the only one in the store that fits.

I was thinking…I’ve been tagged for the selfies of 2015 tag a few times (I just did the regular 6 selfies). And it was honestly hard today for some reason. You know when you have those days where you’re really not feeling at your most confident?? Most of you know me as an upbeat, cheery, super positive person. But that’s not me 100% of the time. Yes, I am like that MOST of time, but I have my moments too. Moments of insecurity, of doubt, of shame, of guilt…

For the past few weeks I’ve been contemplating something. To let you all know (and in a way make it public) or not. Some days I was like “of course I should! What’s the worst that can happen??” And other days I was like “There’s absolutely no way this won’t change things”.

So it leads us to today. Honestly one of my most insecure and vulnerable days in the past while. And I’ve decided to share it. To put it out there. Some of you might think this is silly, but for me (and for a lot of people) this is a big deal. And I’m always talking about reducing the stigma surrounding it, and the best way I can do that is by sharing this about me.

Under the radar many of you come to me for advice, for help, to vent, or just to talk and share funny posts or jokes. I honestly love that! I love that you trust me, that you see me as someone to share things with!! And I guess that’s what I scared the most about. That this was all going to change. Not drastically, but change. And maybe it will. Maybe it won’t at all. But right now, even though I’m feeling vulnerable I’m willing to take the risk. I aways encourage you to be brave, so it’s my turn to show it too. I even included two selfies without makeup as well.

So the truth is yes, I’m about to become a social worker and I have successfully completed my minor in neuroscience and mental health. However, i also suffer from chronic pain (for about a year and a half) and I am currently diagnosed with two mental illnesses: cyclothymia and general anxiety disorder (for about 2.5 years now). Between the ages of 16 and 20 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and an eating disorder not otherwise specified. I have successfully overcome MDD (that feels so good to say!!) but battle daily with the first two and every now and then with the eating. I am on daily medication and have gone through many many different therapies over the years.

You guys have no idea how scared I am of putting this out there. On the Internet. For everyone to see. It’s terrifying. I’ve worked so hard to be the best person I can be both off and online. And I think I’ve done a good job. My blog here is exactly what I love: hockey and mental wellness.

I haven’t lied on here. And always share the true me. This is something that I felt was personal. However, after so many of you sharing your stories….I related to you! And I felt it was fair that I shared this too.

Maybe one day I’ll share my stories publicly. Some of you already know it, and that means I trust you with something very personal to me. My story by no means is linear, it’s been an up and down rollercoaster but has been steady for over a year. I’ve kept fighting. I’m not giving up and I’ve been so rewarded for that.

Since this is a tag after, I wanted to tag those people whom I’ve shared special moments with on here in no particular order. Whether it has been talking for months on end in private or just a simple moment. Every one of you has made an impact on me. And for that I thank you. You don’t have to do the tag, and maybe some of you have done it already, but i still wanted to let you know.

I hope you all have a fantastic rest of your day, stay safe, stay strong, but most importantly stay beautiful 💕

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