i am incredibly unhappy with this

7

I was having a terrible dysphoria day today. I was having trouble breathing, couldn’t get out of bed, I mean the whole nine yards of dysphoria for me. But then something pretty great happened. I was going through the photos I took for my college graduation announcements, and my old high school graduation photos popped up. It really brought me back to 2011. I remembered going shoe and dress shopping because “I had to”, and being so unhappy that I cried constantly. I remember going to eat afterwards and keeping that purple grad robe on because I was so uncomfortable in my dress. I remember pulling my hair back the second I was done with family pictures. I remember being so incredibly uncomfortable and unhappy. 

I now look at these college grad pictures and I remember it being incredibly hot, but not at all uncomfortable in my clothes (I actually felt amazing in my suit). I remember all the poses coming very natural and smooth. I remember laughing a lot and not once being sad. I remember feeling fantastic and on top of the world. Even though I don’t have any of the friends that I had in high school due to my transition, I have new friends. Better friends. A new life. A new body. And I am better for it. Transitioning is a journey, and I am working on mine. 

virginia woolf sentence meme.

mostly from her letters to vita sackville-west. feel free to change pronouns, names etc!

  • ‘i just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way.’
  • 'she lives in dreams, alone.’
  • ‘it is true that i only want to show off to women.’
  • ‘women alone stir my imagination.’
  • ‘should you say, if i rang you up to ask, that you were fond of me?’
  • ‘look here ( name, ) throw over your man.’
  • ‘i’ll tell you all the things i have in my head, millions, myriads.’
  • ‘they won’t stir by day, only by dark on the river.’
  • ‘think of that.’
  • ‘throw over your man, i say, and come.’
  • ‘i did enjoy seeing you, and am wearing your necklace.’
  • ‘is your garden good?’
  • ‘i lie in bed making up stories about you.’
  • ‘yesterday morning i was in despair.’
  • ‘my body was flooded with rapture and my brain with ideas.’
  • ‘i wrote rapidly till 12.’
  • ‘shall you mind? say yes or no.’
  • ‘here we go, alone, and like it better so.’
  • ‘always, to have sympathy, always to be accompanied.’
  • ‘to be understood would be unbearable.’
  • ‘she stood there, she listened.’
  • ‘she heard the names of the stars.’
  • ‘but with you i am deeply, passionately, unrequitedly in love.’
  • ‘dearest, i remember, do you?’
  • ‘she looked pale, mysterious, like a lily, drowned, under water.‘
  • ‘but for pain, words are lacking.’
  • ‘she did not want to move, or to speak. she wanted to rest, to lean, to dream.’
  • ‘she felt very tired.’
  • ‘and i have no face.’
  • ‘let me know truthfully and exactly how you are.’
  • ‘oh, women are my line, and not these inanimate creatures.’
  • ‘i have a  million things, not so much to say, as to sink into you.’
  • ‘if i don’t hear, i shan’t sleep.’
  • ‘my dearest, i do love you.’
  • ‘all the sibyls and tom eliots in the world don’t love you as much as i do.’
  • ‘i do bless you for all you’ve been to me.’
  • ‘this is not a joke, but a very sober truth.’
  • ‘it is a sensation i only get from you.’
  • ‘it is physically stimulating, restful at the same time.’
  • ‘how i watched you!’
  • ‘i say the whole day on love.’
  • ‘i say it’s seeing things through a purple shade.’
  • ‘but you’ve never been in love, they say.’
  • ‘yes i want you more and more.’
  • ‘you’ll like to think of me unhappy i know.’
  • ‘i want to express beauty too.’
  • ‘the truth shall be dug out of you at all costs.’
  • ‘i attain a different kind of beauty.’
  • ‘i am all the time thinking about poetry and fiction and you.’
  • ‘dearest, i feel certain that i am going mad again.’
  • ‘i feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times.’
  • ‘i can’t fight any longer.’
  • ‘you have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good.’
  • ‘oh, this is pain, this is anguish!’
  • ‘do not start. do not blush.’
  • ‘let us admit in the privacy of our own society that these things happen.’
  • ‘sometimes women do like women.’
  • ‘and you weren’t guilty then, were you? you swore you weren’t.’
  • ‘but do you really like going to bed with women?’
As heartbroken as I am...

as devastated and unhappy and saddened as I am, I am also incredibly grateful.

I’ve never met two characters who touched me, who inspired me, who I rooted for against all the odds, who I loved so deeply. Belle and Rumple have been the most incredible, nuanced, fleshed out characters to go on this journey with. I’ve shared their joys, their sorrows, their ups, their downs, and I’m grateful for Every. Single. Moment with them, even the painful, angsty ones, because, without them, this story would not have been so inspiring, so beautiful, or so true.

This has been the most incredible love story to watch unfold on screen, the most realistic portrayal of a difficult love between two people who somehow find their way back to each other against all the odds, who love each other deeply no matter the problems between them. Rumple and Belle show that love is worthwhile, even when it’s bloody hard work, that it’s worth fighting for. Belle saw the best in Rumple and Rumple saw the best in Belle. They fought, they disagreed, they got angry with each other, they hurt each other, and yet, through it all, their love remained. They never gave up on each other. And for all they’ve been through, they never stopped loving each other.

I’m grateful that they weren’t afraid to go to dark places with RumBelle, to show the problems, the insecurities, the flaws in the relationship and the characters. I’m grateful that the journey was hard, because it was real, and because the happiness that I believe and hope is coming will be earned.

I’m grateful to Emilie and Robert for their chemistry, for their dedication, for their effort, for giving every scene their all. I’m grateful to them for bringing RumBelle to life in a way no other actors EVER could. I’ve said before that the stars aligned when they cast Emilie opposite Robert. We have been truly, truly blessed to have such talented, dedicated actors bringing our Beauty and her Beast to life.

I’m grateful for the story, for the myriad memorable scenes that I will take pleasure in re-watching for many, many years to come (yes, even the painful ones!). There are so many scenes I love, it would be impossible to list them all. We have been so blessed to have such a memorable love story on our screens. At least I feel blessed.

I am also grateful to the writers. They gave us RumBelle and wrote all those beautiful scenes that I love. They gave us this story, however people feel about the execution. I thank them for their work, for creating such a beautiful nuanced pair of characters.

I don’t know, right now, if I’ll be back for season seven. That will depend on the story they decide to tell and whether Emilie ends up being part of it in some way. At the moment, I can’t see myself coming back after the finale, which I hope and feel will provide some happiness for the characters I love so much, some closure to their story that satisfies me, should I decide not to return.

I do know one thing, though. I will always love RumBelle and they will always be part of me now, no matter what I do. They have inspired me to write again, and I love them so dearly for that. I have had endless hours of enjoyment writing stories about these characters, and I would not have missed out on that for the world!

I’ll still be writing. As long as my muse is so inspired, I will write for RumBelle, and even if I stop writing them one day, I will take the characters with me as inspiration for other things that I hope to be able to share.

And I’ll still be around. Maybe not as active (because I won’t be writing so much speculation or meta!), and maybe I’ll drift into other things too, but I will always be a RumBeller and a Oncer, and I will always have time to share my love of the show and my favourite characters with people.

I’ve made some lovely friends through a shared love of RumBelle. You know who you are. Thank you for your friendship: I know it will continue.

I have loved RumBelle. I will always love RumBelle. Nothing will change that.

It’s forever, dearie.

Stay with me and pretend the world doesn't exist

Josh Dun x reader
Requested: nope
Warnings: none I hope, except for like shitty writing
Words: 1.172

Sum.: Where you are Josh’s best friend but you want to be more and you finally get your chance as he feels self conscious.

———–

“ I can’t do it, I just I don’t know I feel like I don’t belong in this world. This is not me! ”, his voice was low and drenched with emotion, mostly doubt. “No Josh, you will listen to me! That is not true! You belong there, you deserve this! You have worked so hard for everything and you deserve everything this has brought.”, you moved your arm off of his shoulder and stood up. He looked a little puzzled, as if he thought you would leave; you would never. “Get up, I am going to distract you and show you how great you are. I swear to you with everything I have I won’t stop until you believe me.”

As soon as he sat in the passenger seat of your car he stared out of the window. It appeared as if he was chewing on the inside of his lips, you knew it was a sign of his anxiety. “So what do you want to eat, pizza? Burger? hmh?”, you nudged him with your elbow trying to get his attention back on you. “Oh I…I don’t know. You know what I like I mean…Pizza? Only if you want it.”
“Pizza it is”, you said back with a smile hoping he would smile back.

You sat on the little bench you sat on so many times. The one at the top of this little hill that is behind the old grocery store in your town. It was perfect for viewing the sunset, exactly what you were doing right now. You and Josh talked about aimless things until both of you had finished your food. “ Do you remember the first time I got you up here? ”, you asked, facing Josh again. You remembered it vividly, you had to basically drag him up there because he thought it would be too cold to go outside. That evening in 12th grade you were ready to tell him how you felt, to tell him you loved him. “Yeah, it was so cold”, he interrupted your thoughts. “C'mon it wasn’t that cold, anyway I think the sunset is just as beautiful as then”, you stared straight ahead at the rest of the sun that was left. Casting a golden but also purple hue over the sky you felt a shiver run down your back. “Are you cold?”, surprisingly there seemed to be a hint of concern in his voice instead of mock that you expected. “No, I just thought of a memorie…”, you said shaking your head slightly. “Y/N….why do you still do this? You still hang out with me even if I’m only here every few months and..”, he looked at the ground while playing with his fingers. “Josh”, you sighed before continuing to speak. “I do this because, do you even remember? Last year of high school, on this exact bench, we made a promise we said that we would stay friends no matter what would happen after school. You did your thing, I did mine but I never wanted to forget you! Our friendship, you Josh, you mean so much to me that I never wanted to give it up. And I never, we never did. Both of us were and are busy but this was one thing that helped me through many hard times. Just knowing I could talk to you whenever and I always looked forward to seeing you again.”, you took his hands into yours and brushed over his knuckles with your thumb. “I might have never told you directly but Josh you mean so much to me. You were always there for me, you were the support I needed but you also pushed me to be a better person. I swear to you, without having you Josh I would not be where I am right now and I would certainly be not as content as I am now.”, he stared at you wide-eyed, his mouth opening and closing without a sound coming out. “I just wanna say that I really, really appreciate you!”, your eyes connect with him, hoping he would finally understand the message you were trying to give him. “I can’t believe you! I can’t believe how incredible you are. How…how in this world do I deserve you? How do I deserve you as a best friend! I come here every few months, not talking to you nearly as much as I should and as soon as I am unhappy you are ready to spend time with me and just have a best friend speech ready that anyone could be jealous of”, he removed his hands from yours just to pull you close in a side hug you didn’t expect. Best friend speech, exactly… It sounded aweful to you at this point, why did he not see that you were not planning on being his best friend forever. Stupid you, no stupid Josh, stupid world. After sitting in a hug for a while you speak up: “There is one thing you could do to make this all even” One of his eyebrows rose and he looked at you with a questioned look on his face.
“What?”
“Tell me what you feel?”, but before he could even open his mouth you take his face in your hands and softly press a kiss to his lips. He looks startled for a moment after you pull back, but then his face softens and now he is the one holding your face with his hands. “This is what I feel”, it’s nothing more than a whisper but his lips touching yours was answer enough. Your arms find their way around his neck and you deepen the kiss slightly. The kiss was more than you ever thought it would be. He was so careful, his lips fitting perfectly on yours they moved in a sort of trance. When you finally pulled away you leaned your forehead against his, breathing in heavily you smiled widely. “The night of the promise I brought you out here because I wanted to tell you I loved you. In 12th grade…guess I’m gonna do it now. Josh, I am madly in love with you and I am sick of hiding it”, your breath quickened as you suddenly were unsure of his reaction. You watched him carefully but to your delight his smile widened even further. “Y/N I can’t believe I could have had all of this so many years ago. I loved you too, I still love you”, he pressed a short kiss on your lips before engulfing you in a hug.

When you looked up again it had already become complete night but you didn’t want to leave, because leaving meant leaving Josh, it meant that time was going by faster than it should be. You turned to Josh again, “Stay with me tonight. Stay with me and pretend like the world doesn’t exist”

When did I start to like Sakura?
Or better yet, why do I LOVE her?

SORRY THIS WILL BE LONG, ORZ. 

Let me bring you way back into my childhood.
And I apologize because whenever people ask me this in person, I normally just say “BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING, OK?”
and have never really told people the real reason why I love her so much, so I guess this is the perfect time to do it?

SO LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR.

I USED TO NOT CARE ABOUT SAKURA DURING HER GENIN DAYS.
I, myself, was about 12 or 13 during the time, and could care less about her. I was pretty blinded by all the really cool characters like Sasuke, Neji, and Kakashi. Pff. It was normal, I mean, I wasn’t really checking out the female character at the time. I mean…she was okaaaayy. She had pink hair and that was cool, but other than that, her attitude was more humorous then it was awe inspiring. If anything, I was interested with Hinata. She was incredibly cute, from personality to appearance.

During this time, I was heavily bullied. I’ve had paperclips shot at my face, I was teased for having acne (occassionally called pizza face), and also teased because I didn’t shave my legs. Oh, not to mention I was teased for liking anime, and I was the only kid in my class to actually like drawing. (I went to a private school where there was only one graduating class each year). My bullying got so bad to the point that I had tried to commit suicide on countless occassions. I was sent to a therapist who said that nothing was my fault and it was all the bullies (who were literally the whole class). I had no friends, and the friends I did have only liked me so they wouldn’t be in trouble.

I sought solace in manga and anime, and Naruto was one of the first ones I read. I empathized with Naruto and during Sakura’s childhood flashback scenes, I slowly grew to appreciate her more.

Fast Forward and now I am this overweight, depressed, lonely, out of place, teenager. 

Here’s some visual reference. I don’t have many photos of my weight, I never liked to take pictures and when I did I hid in the back. I’m actually pretty embarrassed to put this up, uggghh.

My bullying was no longer in the classrooms, but in my family. I was raised with 9 male cousins, all are incredibly attractive and talented. I have one female cousin and an older sister, and they are often complimented, both are beautiful and mistaken for models a LOT. Then there was me, overweight and unhappy. The most compliments I would ever get was, “You would be so pretty without all the acne”. I used to work in a bakery, and I would get customers who would say things like, “do you wash your face everyday?” or “you have so much acne!”

I was depressed, unmotivated, unhappy, and angry with my life. I hated practically everyone and I hid myself most of the times.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT GOT ME OUT OF IT?


SAKURA FUCKING HARUNO.

I kid you not.
She literally changed my life.
The moment she began her growth, it was an inspiration to me. She did not have a kekkai genkai, she did not come from a high shinobi clan, she was overshadowed by two teammates who had great potential since the beginning, and she was seemingly useless. Then she trained, worked hard, grew, and became the badass she is now.
I use Sakura for a lot of my inspirations. She was literally just a regular girl with nothing out of the ordinary who worked her ass off and became God Tier. I cannot express how much she has changed my life and saved me.

I started working on myself, I started working out and lost 20 almost 30 lbs, my mind is growing healthier from meditation all because this seemingly useless kunoichi character changed her lifestyle which inspired me to do so as well.

I cant really explain to you how I grew to like her in great detail, but I will tell you that I went from ‘whatever’ to 'omfg i am so in love with you girl you are my queen’ during the span of my childhood.

So whenever I see Sakura bashings, I get a bit offended and/or upset because really, if Sakura Haruno never existed, I’m almost scared to see where the hell I would’ve been growing up.

I took some photos from my Instagram because I never really took selfies back then? But because I appreciate my body so much more, and I love my self so much more, I started taking more care of myself. My confidence is a lot higher, my self-esteem is actually there, and…idk, I’m just happy now, and it’s all thanks to the queeen. orz orz. 


Also, if you guys love Sakura Haruno ;o; follow me on my IG!! :DDD Or KIK/LINE ME! Message me for my info *3* 

New Plan (chapter 3)

Megamind/Roxanne

M rating, pre-movie AU

Since Megamind made Roxanne miss her appointment to get her hair trimmed, it’s his fault that her hair keeps falling in her face. And since her hands are tied, it’s not like she can pin her hair back herself. So obviously, as she points out, it’s Megamind’s responsibility to do it for her…which would be a dream come true, if he could just. figure out. how to work a bobby pin…

 AO3  |  FFN


Megamind stares at Roxanne.

actually.

stares is….

…probably not a strong enough word.

boggles.

Yes. Megamind boggles at Roxanne.

It’s most likely not his most visually appealing expression, because Roxanne sort of flinches and her eyes flick away from his face before darting back.

“Um,” she says, “It’s—it’s okay if you don’t want to date me, obviously; it’s not something that you need to feel pressured about, and even if you don’t, the—” she gives him an uncertain smile that trembles slightly around the edges, “—the seduction thing is—still definitely an option—”

Keep reading

New Life Tarot Spread

With Ostara coming up in just 5 days (March 20th), I thought it was the perfect time to share a spread that has everything to do with new beginnings! Read on to see the spread and how my reading for myself went. If you do this reading for yourself, post and tag “LLnewlife” so I can see!

1. What do I want out of life? (5 of Cups) I wish to learn to be more accepting of how things are. I would like to not obsess over the negative things I cannot change.

2. What do I want to experience? (7 of Wands) I would like to experience acceptance of things I cannot change while also learning how to stand up for myself and insist on being treated fairly in situations that I can change.

3. What am I willing to change? (The Hermit) I’m willing to take a step back, and really look at my own opinions about things and myself, and try to not put so much stock in what others think about me or my actions. This might sometimes mean doing things that make others disappointed or unhappy, which is incredibly difficult for me, but I realize this is a necessary change.

4. What brings meaning to my experience? (7 of Pentacles) Time. Effort. I’m an incredibly impatient person, but by allowing myself to take my time with things and not rush them, I will be able to uncover and take more meaning from my experiences and more pride in the life I create.

5. What empowering belief to I need to incorporate? (Strength) I have the ability (and the responsibility) to control my own life. I cannot let a fear of imperfection or what others may think hold me back. I have the right intentions, and I need to trust my gut.

6. How can I work less and achieve more? (6 of Swords) I must give myself time to heal and care for myself, and learn to not be so hard on myself. Putting myself in a pressure cooker only makes things more difficult and overwhelming for me.

7. What is my unexpected result if I change? (Ace of Wands) Every area of my life will change for the better, not just one or two. Especially, I will feel more inspired, more creative, and more capable of pursuing and fulfilling my goals.

Spread from Sasha Graham’s 365 Tarot Spreads

Unsoberly Selfish

For the request: “And tomorrow morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be beautiful” (between a drunk Spencer and sober reader but it should be like they are in a long term relationship and then they get in a fight and spencer is mad and leaves and comes back drunk ) I’m sorry if it’s dumb but idk I live for angst with cute endings ya know.

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset about this.”

“Three dates, Spencer, you’ve cancelled three dates in less than a month.”

“You know I can’t help that it’s part of my job.”

“You could say no, you aren’t even part of the field team. Sometimes you could stay at headquarters, sometimes you could come home when you say you will. But I guess you don’t want to.”

“You’re right, Y/N, I don’t. I don’t want to just solve the case I want to help people. I want to help stop the murderers, rapists, and child abductors. I want to be part of the process of putting them away. And I can’t believe you’d be so incredibly selfish and ugly as to try to keep me from that because you’re mad that I can’t take you out every damn night.”

You reeled your head back. “And I can’t believe you would say that to me. I mean…why am I even here then, Spencer? I’m not saying what you do is unimportant, and I don’t want to keep you from doing what you love. But if your job is your world, and the only thing that matters then why keep me here? Why be with me if you can’t put the effort into being physically here with me then why keep me around?”

Spencer began shaking his head, trying to halt your words. “No, you know what, why am I here? I tried Y/N, I tried to get here as soon as I could I’m sorry it wasn’t perfectly matched to your needs. So you know what, since I’m the one that’s constantly in the wrong, since I’m the cause of your unhappiness so frequently. I’ll go and you stay here and let you think why you could ever love someone as incredibly horrible as me.”

Spencer headed to his things, thing that he had just thrown down a few moments ago, and put on his overcoat. Trying to grasp his arm to tell him to stay he shook you off, spinning on you with a flash of anger dripping down his face.

“Let me go.”

You took a step back, your body shuddering by the whispered command.

“Fine.”

With that he was gone, and you were able to break. Moving towards the couch you let the tears fall. This wasn’t how the night was supposed to go. You hadn’t meant to snap, but it wasn’t just all the dates he missed.

It was promise after promise, each late night call that he wasn’t coming home, every moment of sleep interrupted so he could go in during the night. It had been piling up inside you, and you had kept wanting to say something to let him know how you felt. But you didn’t, you bit the inside of your cheek until you bled, because you hadn’t wanted to be selfish.

But was it? Were you selfish wanting to wake up next to the person you loved for five years, whereas only getting a week’s worth of nights per month. Was it selfish to want to have a meal with him, try to get him out of his head and away from that nightmare he replayed every time he went on a case? Was it selfish to want more than a few texts saying goodnight?

You had pictured marrying Spencer, having children, spending your years together. But lately you had been thinking of the years way down the road, wondering what you’d see when he finally got too old to work and had to retire. After being gone so often, the physical and emotional connection diminishing he would be a stranger. That beautiful man would become nothing more than a stranger to you. And after the outburst tonight, you wondered how far apart you both were now.

He was expecting you to leave, you knew that, that’s why he left. Pack your things and go but I won’t be there to watch. You still did know him though, and even though he was mad at you, you knew he was also mad at himself. You should’ve went about it better, instead of blurting it out all at once. But that stack inside you and had gotten too big and when he said he was just going to go to bed when you hadn’t seen him in weeks. When you were finally going to go out and spend time together. It had broke the damn.

“Maybe I am selfish.”

Maybe, you had been ugly for sure. You snapped enough that you were close to throwing things. Your body shuddering the last bit of tears out, you cleaned your face off, changing into your pajamas. Looking down at your cell you had hoped you would hear something from him, at least where he was. But nothing. Very few times had you seen Spencer Reid angry, and usually it had been directed at someone else, having it at you hurt like a physical blow. Settling down you wrapped yourself in a fleece blanket and waited for Spencer to come home. Unfortunately, sleep came first.

You woke to the sound of glass shattering, giving a brief glance you saw it was three am and your bed was still empty. Taking the can of mace from your dresser you inched your way through the apartment. You listened for anyy sounds emitting from the rooms, and you realized the glass and cursing were coming outside the door. Still being silent you tiptoed to the peep hole and sighed in relief while opening the door.

“Spencer what are you doing?”

He looked from the mess to you in surprise. “I’m trying to find the spare key. I remembered you said it was taped under the vase.”

He was gesturing to the decorative vase you kept outside the door, which was now in hundreds of pieces. You tried to keep your smile in check hearing him overcompensate each word, trying to enunciate instead of slurring. Oh, Spencer was drunk, a feat that did not happen too often. That balloon of laughter slowly died when you figured you were the cause of this.

Taking his arm you pulled him from the mess. “We didn’t put it there, remember you said that was one of the first places a burglar would look so you made Derek make a fake doorbell to stick it in.”

Realization crossed his face as he unsteadily stood and went to the bell. “No, Spencer come on the door’s open.”

“It is? Does that mean you’ll let me in?”

“Of course it does. I am sorry for how I acted. I just miss you. Now come on, we’ll talk more inside.”

You could hear him sniffle as you lead him inside. Wow, you made him angry and you made him cry in a single night, you were an ugly person.

“Lets get you out of these clothes and into your pajamas.”

Being this close he did smell like a brewery and you couldn’t help but wonder how much he drank. Before you got his shirt over his head he started gagging, and pulling the shirt fully you were able to thrust the bedside trash can under him before he started retching.

“Jesus, Spence, what all did you drink?”

Pulling from the can, he looked pitifully up at you. “Jello.”

“Jello?”

Oh, Lord, he must have done jello shots, no wonder he was wrecked. Helping him with his shoes and belt you removed his pants and eased him in the bed.

“You want something to drink?”

Spencer burped, shaking his head. “Never again.”

You smiled. “I meant water honey.”

At the endearment he looked at you. “I just want you here.”

Turning out the light, you made your way over to your side of the bed and settled in.

“I don’t want you to leave, Y/N. Please.”

The emotion was evident in his voice and you did your best to swallow your own. “I don’t want to leave, Spencer, I just want you here more.”

He nodded, rubbing wetness from his eyes. “We’ll figure out, I can talk to Hotch about it. I just - you’re the only thing that makes anything worth it. Knowing you’re here when I come through that door. I can’t lose that, I can’t lose you, Y/N.”

“And you’re not going to. Like you said we can work on it.”

“I’m sorry for what i said, you’re not selfish, you’re as far from selfish as a person could be.”

“And I’m sorry for the things I said. We both said things we didn’t mean we were just hurt.”

Spencer didn’t seem to hear you his voice starting to become incoherent as exhaustion was added to the mix. “You’re not ugly either, I don’t know why I said that. You’re beautiful inside and out, I just wanted -”

Stilling him you put a finger over his lips. “I know, Spence, don’t worry. We’ll figure it all out in the morning, maybe, you know, when your hangover has passed.”

Spencer turned on his side, hair falling into his face. “And tomorrow I’ll be sober, and you’ll still be beautiful.”

Giggling, you pushed the hair from his face, kissing his forehead. “I’m looking forward to it, Spence.”

Alternate romance idea for MacCready

Because I am altogether very unhappy with how the MacCready romance ended.

Let’s pretend for a moment that, some time after the Sole Survivor helps MacCready get the medicine for his son, Duncan, and after the touching moment they shared where MacCready gifted his little wooden soldier to the Sole Survivor, the Sole Survivor is just incredibly touched by this show of trust from someone who started out hating their guts as much as MacCready did. Let’s face it, MacCready started out being so incredibly guarded and cold to the Sole Survivor. Not just on a professional level, but also because he had such terrible luck with the Gunners and THEN setting up shop in Goodneighbor of all places. He was probably wary of almost everyone at that point. You can’t blame him for ultimately becoming so bitter and jaded against the world… but after opening up to the Sole Survivor, he felt much happier and more at peace.

Imagine the Sole Survivor just being absolutely fucked up about what MacCready told them about what happened to Lucy, though. How she was killed, and that the story behind the toy soldier that MacCready had given to them as a gift. The thought of MacCready doubting whether he and Duncan should have survived that attack or not keeping them up at night, and it just slowly eats away at them until they decide they have to do something to remedy this.

Let’s also say that the reason that Duncan never comes around in Fallout 4 is because of those damn caps that MacCready finds so important. Yeah, MacCready is a greedy little shit and all, but there are other reasons why he wanted to make as many as he could at almost any cost. What if he was saving up to hire someone to bring Duncan over to the Commonwealth once he also saved up enough to get a place to live out there, too. It was his idea to get a fresh start for the two of them, away from all the ghosts that haunt them… or rather, the ghouls.

So, what Sole Survivor does is they build them and MacCready a nice house at whatever settlement they spend the most time in together, knowing that MacCready likes that one the best. Perhaps because of the scenery, or how close it is to centers of trade (therefore, a good place to make some quick caps if any traders or hired guns need anything taken care of….) but they don’t tell MacCready about it. Maybe they take Preston out to help them build the house, since Preston was always a great guy (and a guy who owed them DEARLY for sending them out on so many missions to help so many stupid fucking settlements). They wanted it to be a surprise, of course.

One day, MacCready gets this incredible surprise when they head over to the settlement with the new house. There is a caravan that rolls into town about the same time as MacCready and the Sole Survivor do, and, sitting in one of the carts on one of the ghoul traders’ laps (a friend of Daisy’s, of course.) is a little baby Duncan. Well, he’s not so much of a baby anymore (I will admit to not having a clue what age Duncan is). He’s more of a toddler now. MacCready is just blown away to see his son again, but the surprises don’t stop there.

The traders set Duncan on the ground and point to MacCready and tell him “Look, Duncan. That’s you’re daddy…! Go see him…!! He’s been waiting to see how big you’ve gotten…!”

MacCready just holds his breath and watches with big, watery eyes as Duncan turns on unsteady feet to look at MacCready. Duncan suddenly breaks into a big smile and carefully waddles over to MacCready’s open arms. With tears in his eyes, MacCready scoops up his son and hugs him tightly. Somehow, he knows by the look on the Sole Survivor’s face that they were responsible for all of this. He wants to thank them, but he can’t. His throat is just too choked up to talk right now. He doesn’t want to cry.

Poor MacCready just can’t seem to cut a break, though. The Sole Survivor leads their new family inside the well decorated house (full of wasteland style and fully furnished to look absolutely homey), and into a bedroom… all those tears MacCready was fighting so hard to keep in just spill over when he sees that it has been filled with toys for Duncan. This is so much more than he’d ever expected to give to his son. He and Lucy weren’t particularly well off, so they couldn’t really afford many toys for Duncan, but here…. The Sole Survivor has also scavenged at least five different kinds of teddy bears, toy trucks and cars and rockets… an ENTIRE alphabet block set, and their old “You Are Special” book meant for Shaun… and the crib that the Sole Survivor and their old partner had made together… all of Shaun’s old world belongings that were still in good condition. MacCready just stands there, holding Duncan tightly as he cries, and the Sole Survivor holds him comfortingly, reassuring him that they are a family now and nothing is going to come between them.

10

Pictures | 15K Follower Special <3

I honestly don’t know what I can say, I’ve reached 15K Followers. Thank you all, it means so much to know that so many people follow my blog, that so many people are interested in my CrossDressing. I know a lot of you like to CrossDress too, you may be public, have your own blog, or even be ‘in the closet’. To be honest I don’t see any reason why we should have to ‘come out’, I think CrossDressing shouldn’t be viewed as it is… or as we think it is. I’m sure the world is opening up to the idea of it more and more as the days go by. So don’t be afraid to be yourself, some people say “be the change you want to see in the world” and for some of us this isn’t easy as we are worried about what our families may think, or we know that they will frown upon it. Which I see no reason why they should, after all we are not harming anyone by dressing up as a girl or guy. If people want you to be happy I don’t see why they should have any problem with you CrossDressing, especially if you are unhappy not having the freedom to CrossDress.

It brings me great pleasure to know that I am of such a huge inspiration to many of you following my blog, thank you all for following and I hope to continue to inspire and motivate you for many years to come <3

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am.” – The Bell Jar; Sylvia Plath

This is my favorite book, and one of the most depressing books in history. It’s a semi-autobiographical book about a young woman who has everything going for her– great college degree, wonderful job, beautiful, has friends, etc. but for some reason, is depressed and can only see the negatives in life. The entire book is her trying to kill herself, but every time she tries to do it, she hearts her heart beating in her ears and it sounds like “I am. I am. I am.” and she can’t do it.

To me, although it’s very depressing and sad, it is a reminder that no matter how bad things get, even if you are homeless, poor, sick, whatever, you are still alive and able to breathe the air and feel the sun on your skin and see beautiful things and it’s a blessing just to be here, to be present and alive.

This quote has stuck with me since reading it, and floated me through some really tough times in my life. So after five years, I was finally able to get this tattooed on my body to serve as a constant reminder to be thankful just to be HERE. Whether I am sad, unhappy with my circumstances, etc., I am still HERE and able to change any circumstance for the better. 

Feels damn good.

Edit: credit to Tim Corun, co-founder of Jinx Proof Tattoos in Georgetown, DC. Incredible studio, incredibly talented man, incredible experience! 

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There is a 9 month difference in these photos.

9 months ago I had finished off the year having spent at least 1000 on makeup, was constantly trying to find new ways to enhance how I looked because I was incredibly unhappy and even though I had Jesus, I was so focused on vanity. 

Today I’ve almost completely cut out makeup (in this photo I am wearing none). My hair is about 5″ longer and pretty close to its natural color. I am infinitely happier with who I am and how I look. 

Clinical Judgement, Diagnosis, and Announcement RE: Submissions

Okay, so.  A lot of the upcoming disorders in the Demystifying the DSM-V series can be misinterpreted or applied when someone doesn’t actually fulfill the criteria. So we need to have a quick discussion about what the criteria of a diagnosis are really looking at.

To do this, we gotta look at something called a ‘normal curve’.  

Let’s pretend we took a survey of everyone in the world, asking them to rate their overall levels of happiness or sadness for the last month.  We take every person’s happiness/sadness score and put it on a graph.  It’d look something like this.  (note - I’m highly, highly simplifying things)

It looks like this because, you know, most people aren’t super happy or super sad.  For most people, the amount of happiness they feel is kinda balanced out by how much sadness they can also feel.  That’s why there’s a big hump in the middle – this shows what is considered a normal range of happiness and sadness.  Most people in the world fall inside that hump somewhere.

But even though there aren’t many people at the edges of the curve, there are still people who are extremely depressed, or happy to the point of manic.  They are far enough to either extreme that they rarely, if ever, feel the opposite emotion.

Obviously, someone who’s just really happy doesn’t need to be hospitalized.  But someone who’s manic can often be dangerous to themselves or others, and may require it.  Someone who’s a little unhappy isn’t an emergency (though it sucks).  Someone who’s extremely depressed, to the point that they are actively self-harming and about to attempt suicide, is an emergency.

Diagnosis is about finding the line between what’s within the normal range and what is considered extremely outside of the norm.

Some disorders are easier to see and diagnose than others - the lines between what is normal and extreme are very thick, metaphorically.  It’s clear when someone is past the line, and thus diagnosible with a disorder.

For some disorders, a simple medical test virtually guarantees you a diagnosis, like certain sleep disorders.  There are numbers on a page, generated while you sleep, and if you reach a certain number, you get diagnosed with a sleep disorder.  The only clinical judgement made is knowing which number is the important one to look at.

Some disorders are essentially diagnosed via a survey, like depression.  There’s almost no clinical judgement needed there.  It’s pretty clear when someone’s struggling, and there aren’t lifelong consequences to being given a diagnosis. It’s not a complicated process, and it’s fairly easy to do.

But when you get to the disorders that have extreme, life-long consequences (and often carry a great deal of stigma), you need to make absolutely sure that you fulfill the criteria. For these disorders, you can’t always rely on your own interpretation of what checks the boxes in the DSM-V. You need to have someone objective, who knows what to look for, to make the call for sure. Most people don’t have the clinical judgement needed to make that call.   It takes a lot of training and experience to get to that point. Hell, even the Shrink herself isn’t qualified to diagnose ANYONE with those kinds of disorders yet.

Please understand, I am not trying to invalidate people’s feelings or struggles here. I am not anti-self-diagnosis. I think self-diagnosis is a great starting point for recognizing one’s problems, and often the first step to getting much-needed treatment. You can absolutely accurately recognize traits of yourself that seem to fulfill the criteria, and these traits can absolutely cause you distress and make your life more difficult. I believe that you are suffering, and that you deserve to be taken seriously and given treatment. In fact, I believe that most of the time, your self diagnosis is likely correct.

I fully recognize that diagnosis is incredibly expensive, and full of hurdles that many people aren’t able to navigate their way through. We have an absolutely shitty, classist, ableist system in America, and it is the fucking worst. I also recognize that sometimes doctors or therapists are fucking idiots. If you are unhappy with what they say, try to get a second opinion if you can. I acknowledge that this is not possible for all people, even though in a perfect world, it would be.

I know this post is going to be controversial. I don’t want it to be. I repeat, I AM NOT AGAINST SELF-DIAGNOSIS.

But this blog is about helping people accurately portray mental illness in writing. I need to make sure that what I post will promote the accurate understanding of people with mental illness. Even if, out of 100 people, there’s 99 people who submit whose self-diagnosis is absolutely and completely true, if the remaining 1 person has inaccurately diagnosed themself, it would add to the misconceptions surrounding the mental illness in question.

I would prefer not to take that chance.

As such, I am going to request that in the future, people who submit their experiences have a professional diagnosis.

Thank you for understanding.

- Shrink

junker5 replied to your post: Hi! Hope everything is good with you. Just wanted…

I would have never guessed Stay wore you out, because each chapter was so incredibly amazing. However, because it was an AU, and felt so real, it was an even more emotional read for me, so I am sure it was harder to write. Your ability to connect with many characters, not just Cap, makes your stories even more powerful. As a fan, I’m never unhappy when your fics grow! More to read, more to love!

Oh, thanks! Yeah, I had troubles with the second half of “Stay”.  The subject matter was so heavy, and on top of that some people were being jerkish about how I was taking the story.  And the focus wasn’t on Steve too much, which also made it hard for me to keep motivated. Normally I don’t have that problem so much, so I don’t know why it was so hard that time.  Probably because Nat’s problems and Steve’s problems were more separated in “Stay”?  Plus to me it seemed a lot like “Red Rain” all over again, which is one of the reasons I took the end of the story the way I did, with Nat coming to save Steve rather than the other way around or doing some sort of legal battle.  I needed to keep it fresh and interesting for myself.

So, yeah, I had a really hard time last winter.  I don’t think people realize how much their negative comments can impact someone who’s writing.  When a writer is already struggling with motivation on something, having someone give him/her crap about the story really compounds the problem.  But people like you make it easy to keep going :-).  So thank you kindly!

2

Does it make sense to say that I’d love to be in a models position like Bella Hadid and have the same opportunities but keep my body? I’m not unhappy with who I am I just want to experience the same amazing things and success that she and other models achieve at such a young age because it’s insane.
To be able to travel the world, work with these amazing artists and designers, and wear these astonishingly beautiful outfits would just be incredible.

now we’re stressed out

summary: dan is panicking over uni exams and has an existential crisis. luckily boyfriend phil is there to save the day

tags: existential crisis, phan, phan fluff, 2011!phan, phan drabble

word count: 1k

trigger warnings: swearing, stress, violence, existential crisis


If there’s one thing Dan understands about law, it’s that it’s shit. As he sits at the coffee table rifling through pages and pages of meaningless notes at 1 am, all Dan can think about is how much he does not want to do it. Everything he’s been given to read over is confusing and pointless and he doesn’t understand one bit of it. Dan groans, slapping the piece of paper he’s holding onto the table and burying his head in his hands. He can’t do this. He can’t fucking do this.  Not after midnight, not even with coffee, not when he’s studying a subject that, if he’s honest, he doesn’t give a flying fuck about. 

But he has an exam at 10 am the next morning. Actually, that’s today. He has an exam in 10 hours and he’s left all revision until the night before. As always. Dan looks up and picks up another sheet. He takes a deep breath, holds the paper still and reads the words slowly with tired eyes. When he finishes the first paragraph, he realizes he’s absorbed none of it, so he reads it a second time. And Dan still can’t wrap his head around the unbelievably detailed words. 

He can feel himself falling into a panic. His heart starts to hammer against his rib cage and his palms are sweaty and his hair thrown out of its normal style, messy and unkempt. What’s the fucking point?

Suddenly Dan slams the paper down on the coffee table and shouts as he shoves off the couch. “I can’t FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!” he yells, picking up a pile of paper and tearing it in two. “There’s no fucking point. This is all meaningless bullshit and I don’t fucking care anymore!” He swipes a textbook off the table and then his world comes crashing down.

Dan buries his head in his hands, feeling tears burning in his eyes and fear contorting his stomach. 

He doesn’t hear Phil call his name or enter the room, but soon he feels a pair of arms wrap around his torso and a kiss is placed to his temple.

Dan melts into Phil’s chest, twisting his shirt around his hands and letting his tears fall. He’s tired and depressed and afraid, but as soon as Phil holds him close all his troubles wash away and he relaxes against the boy. Phil lets Dan cry, rubbing circles on his back and combing his fingers through his hair to calm him down.

“Dan…please tell me what’s wrong,” he mumbles once Dan goes quiet, tucking his face into the crevice of Phil’s neck.  

Dan lets out a shaky sigh. “I…I can’t do this anymore, Phil,” he whispers. “I don’t want to. I don’t even like law. Why the fuck did I choose to study it?”

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. If it makes you unhappy, you can always drop out.”

“But I can’t, Phil. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. At least if I graduate from law I could get a decent job.”

Phil frowns and gently tilts Dan’s head up so they’re looking at each other. Blue eyes on brown. “But you hate it,” he says. “If it’s not what you want, don’t do it. Dan, look at me. Right now, what’s the dream you want to follow?”

Dan pauses for a moment, before whispering, “YouTube.”

“Good. Then follow that. You can give up on law.” Phil softly brushes Dan’s fringe out of his eyes, and Dan turns pink. But then he sighs.

“But…what’s the point? Why bother going to university, why bother with YouTube, if it’ll all amount to nothing in the end? We’re all going to die one day, and all of our work will mean nothing.”

Phil stares at Dan sadly. He’s never heard these existential thoughts from him before, but he knows it’s not good. Dan shouldn’t be dwelling on things like this. He kisses his forehead again. “Wait here.” Phil slips out of the lounge, runs to his room and yanks his duvet off the bed. When he returns to the lounge he finds Dan curled up on his side on the couch, eyes staring blankly at the wall opposite. 

“Oh, Dan,” Phil mutters, and slides onto the couch behind his boyfriend, draping the duvet over both of them. He wraps his arm around Dan’s waist and entangles their legs, Dan instantly relaxing against his chest. 

“Phil…?” Dan asks quietly after a moment of silence. 

“Yeah?”
“Do you ever wonder…what’s the point of even living, if we’re all gonna die anyway?" 

Phil inhales softly, hugging Dan closer and finding his hand beneath the duvet, intertwining their fingers. "Dan, please don’t–”

“I’m serious, Phil. Death is inevitable, and why do we even do anything if life is meaningless in the end?”

"Life isn’t meaningless, Dan,” Phil whispers. “I think if death is inevitable, then it’s even more important that we spend our lives as best we can before time runs out. And even when we die, we can still leave a good impact that will affect everyone else in the future.”

“As if I’d leave an impact,” Dan mutters bitterly, but he holds Phil’s hand to his chest. 

“You already have, Dan! You’ve impacted your fans so much, and your family and friends. You’ve impacted me.” Phil pauses. “If I died right now, I wouldn’t care, because I’d die knowing I spent the last two or so years of my life with the most incredible and adorable guy ever, who has no idea how unbelievably happy he’s made me.”

Dan’s cheeks darken, and he’s thankful Phil’s behind him so he can’t see. “I…thank you, Phil. I think I could die like that too.”

Phil presses a gentle kiss to Dan’s neck and closes his eyes, and feels Dan relax in front of him. “Please drop out of university. I don’t want to see you so unhappy,” Phil mumbles sleepily.

“Okay. I think I’m gonna focus more on YouTube instead.”

“Good. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

It’s 1 am and textbooks and notes are lying on the floor, and coffee is spilt on the table. But two boys are curled up together on the couch and they don’t even care, because they have each other and right now that’s all that matters.

phanfics

that upd8 fucked me up, but i have some things to say.
i am incredibly sad with meenah’s choice, but i can already see the meenah hate arising. meenah has no reason to be hated for leaving a relationship she was unhappy with. sure, she could have stayed and talked it out a little. i really wish she would have. but before you guys start throwing complete shade at meenah, please consider the following:

• meenah’s life was constantly consisting of adventure and thrill. it is odd to her to just be sitting and doing nothing while having no purpose.

• (vriska) HAS changed. some people may view it for bad, and some for good. although she may ultimately be a better person, she doesn’t have the spunk that meenah fell in love with.

• meenah isn’t necessarily a good person. if you look at her past, she tormented damara until she turned to a raging homicide, blew up all her team mates, ect. so why would she stay with the new and improved (vriska)?

• meenah is not heartless. at the end of the upd8 she is seen crying. it’s obvious that she feels bad for hurting someone she loves.

• along with her crying, it can also be interpreted as her wishing that her and (vriska’s) relationship was the same as it always was. this change must have hurt her a lot.

Drink You Away- Harry Styles Imagine:

(Inspired by: Drink You Away, by Justin Timberlake.)

Harry’s POV:

My fingertips ran against her skin, the softness of it giving me a sensation I couldn’t forget. Her lips locked with mine, and even in the dark I could feel her beauty. The way her lips moved perfectly with him, the sweet words she whispered in my ear. It was bare skin pressed to bare skin when she first told me she loved me, and it sent me into a tizzy. I had stopped kissing her, with the little amount of light pouring into the room allowing me to make out her figure in front of me. Her eyes shimmered, an anxious smile spreading across her lips and I couldn’t help but reciprocate it, telling her I loved her too.

But that was in the past, and now I found myself sitting alone in my apartment. The lights were dimmed, much like the nights I had spent with her, though it was much different nowadays. The room was silent, aside from my glass clashing with the bottle of Jack and the clutter in my mind. The liquor was my device to numb the pain I felt when I thought of her and I together, to when I felt love that hadn’t burned so badly.

It was a bitter sweet thing; how the alcohol could make it all feel like a dream and that I wasn’t hurting. But it soon came to my attention that all of my memories and drunken recollections was simply a nightmare keeping me awake.

Four months ago, we broke up. We told everyone it was a mutual break up and that it was time for us to move on to other things, but as far as I’m concerned, it was nothing like that. I respected Y/N for not being happy in the relationship anymore, after all, I was never home and I was unintentionally putting my career before her. It didn’t mean to do that, but I had become so familiar with life as an artist that I found it incredibly difficult to adjust to putting something else ahead of that. I could see why she no longer wanted to put herself through that, and I supposed that was why I kicked myself for our relationship crumbling everyday.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

So I finally worked up the courage to tell my mother I want to be as writer, and I showed her my wip, and she basically laughed in my face, told me that I'm never going to be JK Rowling and I'm wasting my time. She then used me as a punchline for a joke. Needless to say, I've lost the motivation to write and I'm feeling kinda like she's right. What do I do?

Whoa, that’s not cool! 

While it’s true that it’s really hard to make it as a writer and nobody can expect to be J.K. Rowling successful (heck, even JKR didn’t expect to be JKR successful) that doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to make a writing hobby/career work for you. 

It’s really unfortunate that your mother reacted the way that she did, but you really shouldn’t take that to heart. Nobody can tell you how you should live your life but you, whether you decide you want to be a writer or a neurosurgeon or a street performer. 

The thing that people don’t tell you when you’re young is that there’s more than one way to be successful in life. For some people that means having a mansion and 10 cars. For others, that means doing what you love, even if you just make enough money to get by. I can tell you right now that I would much rather spend my life as a poor but happy writer than as an unhappy accountant. 

I can assure you that J. K. Rowling had no idea Harry Potter was going to be her big ticket to fame and fortune - she wrote it because she had a great story in her head, and she enjoyed writing. And I am willing to bet that even if Harry Potter had never become the tremendous success that it was, she would have been incredibly happy just to get HP published, and would have considered herself successful for having created something that she loved. 

It sucks that someone so close to you is acting this way about something that is so important to you, but remember that it is up to you to decide how you want to be successful in life. 

Buzzfeed news reporter, Rossalyn Warren, posted this article today on the subject of this image: 

As someone who chooses not to shop in Urban Outfitters due to their unfortunate and deceitful past, I would just like to say this is not about trying to back up UO. Firstly, I don’t believe this image is much of an issue (if you read the BF article, someone has complained about the ‘thigh gap’ image, labelling it 'harmful’); A lot of healthy and fit people have thigh gaps, and I struggle to see why images such as this have been labelled as harmful. Don’t get me wrong, I could understand if the thighs had been obviously manipulated by photoshop to look inhumanly thin, or if the model’s legs were so painfully thin that you could see bones; but this is an image of a healthy pair of legs, seemingly unphotoshopped (and even if it were 'shopped, there is no extreme here). They are, obviously, more on the thin side… But to label them harmful? That is my opinion to begin with. Not to mention the fact the model’s feet are clearly positioned apartso of course there is going to be even more of a gap than usual!

But my real issue is with the writer of the article. Upon discovering her twitter feed, it took me 2 minutes to find something that is actually harmful:

Tweeting another user “girllll, who is even that skinny." 
With a response from said user: ”a cheesy wotsit and that’s about it“. 
Once tweeting Rossalyn in confrontation about her harmful tweet, she fought back with the excuse it was a 'personal opinion shared with a friend’, but failed to realise it’s on her public profile. But most importantly; what if everyone publicly voiced their 'personal opinion to a friend’? Racism, slut shaming, body shaming, homophobia and every other form of injustice and online bullying would be set loose. More than it already is. A short while after my response to her, I was blocked from her Twitter profile. On top of this, the social media editor for Buzzfeed favourited her most bigoted tweet:

—-
Now, I don’t want my reason for this post to come across like a butthurt tweeter that got blocked… But more like, as a lover of buzzfeed and its community, I am deeply unhappy with such an active bigot being identified as a writer for BF; for the sake of younger readers or writers following suit, as it is likely she is an inspiration to someone somewhere.

The purpose: I want buzzfeed to hear this and take it into account that this sort of thing isn’t okay. As a human incredibly bored of any form of human-shaming, I’m down to put in effort to snub out even the smaller acts of people putting others down; especially if they’re in some kind of public light, no matter how small. 

I’d like to think Buzzfeed feel the same, no?