i am in the midst of a dilemma

Pep Guardiola in the midst of existential crisis, sick of winning football matches- "Is this who I really am?"

30th January, 2015

Sabener Strasse, Munich.

The breeding ground of World Champions, the stomping yard of German greatness, the home away from home for the Deutchmeisters, but in recent days, home to the world’s saddest and most troubled manager.

The Bavarians haven’t lost a game in approximately 28,000 Bundesliga matches and none of this has apparently sat well with the former Barca Boss.

Thomas Muller shed some light on his manager’s current dilemma. “It’s been a tough couple weeks for Pep because lately he’s had a lot to deal with. Even at home, he doesn’t know where to put all of his trophies anymore. That’s very stressful for a family.”

Recent photos show Guardiola at the defending champions’ training ground looking concerned and apathetic throughout the entirety of his team’s practice, but it’s not because of the team’s performances. Muller continued, “He’s literally forgotten how to lose. He can’t stop beating himself up over it, I wish there was more that I could do to help him.”

“He’s even started listening to My Chemical Romance, American Football, Brand New, and Fall Out Boy. Fall Out Boy’s older stuff, just to be clear.”

My Chemical Romance? Fall Out Boy? Could this really be the current soundtrack to one of football’s greatest masterminds?

“This is something that Neuer couldn’t even save.” Bastian Schweinsteiger said in jest to reporters. Unbeknownst to the club and country’s vice captain, the German Ballon D'Or nominee reportedly made an attempt at trying to cheer up his manager by offering him a jar of Nutella in which the Spaniard promptly responded by smacking it out of his hand and onto the floor, and then ran away sulking profusely. A shattered jar of Nutella for a janitor to clean up, a shattered heart for Manuel Neuer who could do nothing but try to pick up the pieces, but a shattered soul for Pep Guardiola? What is really going on at Bayern Munich?

“Yeah I don’t know what his deal is really…” Said an insensitive an unsympathetic Robert Lewandowski. Indisputably, there was only one way to find out what was really going through the head of the Munich manager. After countless attempts at contacting Guardiola, he finally spoke to the press about the issue. “I don’t even know, what’s the point anymore? I win the next 100 matches, then what? What does that make me? What does that mean to the world? Is this who I really am?

He continued, "Am I trying to prove something to myself? Is this the legacy I really want to leave behind? I just want to feel again. I want to feel the massive letdown and overwhelming disappointment of losing to a side much worse than us for reasons that are all completely self-inflicted. I don’t know. I’m sick of this town. You don’t understand, you never have, you never will.”

Is this what it is like inside the mind of a genius? Rumors have circulated that he would go as far as to throw Friday’s Bundesliga match against 2nd place Wolfsburg in an effort to ‘find himself’.

However sources close to the coaching staff at Bayern Munich conflict with those rumors, indicating that Guardiola will look to take the club to a quadruple digit point total in the German top flight at the end of the 2015-16 season.

“That’s not even mathematically possible.” Replied several Dortmund supporters on the Spaniard’s next goal for the current Bundesliga champions.