i am in a magazine

Day Seventy-Seven

-Today, I was scheduled for soft lines, folding clothes, zoning racks, all those fun shenanigans. My shift began with me getting sent off instead to put out shopping baskets throughout the store. Then, I was called up to the front several times as a backup cashier. God has decided I am not meant to be anywhere but the register.

-Target sells a jacket made out of what looks like tin foil but feels like a sleeping bag. This item is marketed towards prepubescent girls and I am looking forward to the future of fashion.

-A woman picked up a magazine and began hurriedly flipping through pages, pausing occasionally to point a photo out to her friend and shouting, “Look at that! Look at that! Look at THAT!” She then returned the magazine to its rack, because whatever That was, it was not worth $2.99.

-With a grin too large for such a small child, a toddler rolled through the store shouting, “Poo-poo! Pee! Poo!” I will never forget her.

-As she was being pushed through the lanes, a young girl pointed at everything she laid her eyes on and announced, “That’s mine!” No one told her otherwise, so I believe she is now the owner of the store.

-I found that the store carries a children’s shirt featuring Disney Tsum Tsum characters. I am deeply troubled by this specific design, as it showed their faces on the front of the shirt and their rear-ends on the back, implying the child wearing it was currently being impaled by beloved bean-shaped cartoons.

-I was asked for my location over the radio. I then said the phrase, “I’m in girls.” The fact that the FBI did not immediately burst through the sliding doors after hearing those words said out loud by an adult man still shocks and relieves me.

-Sometimes, I am a relatively smart person. Sometimes, I forget how idioms work and think a shirt saying “Bananas For You” is a very strange offering to make.

-An old man stalked me through the girls section. I smiled at him several times, stopped what I was doing, attempted to make it clear I was ready to help him. He remained silent until he had snaked his way around to stand directly in front of me, stare at my name tag intently, and then ask me where the razors were. I did not know why he was looking for them amidst children’s clothing, but that was the least of my questions at that point.

-A woman squawked when informed that the cafe no longer offered a popcorn combo. I do not mean that she said something with the cadence of a small parrot. The woman squawked. At first I was shocked. Then, I admitted to myself that my reaction would not have been much different.

-I would like to inform everyone that Cat Lady advocates eating bacon grease itself and that she apparently saw Donald Trump last night.

-I rang up a man who was, at the very least, 6'10". As a 6'2" person who is used to being the tallest in the room, barring my house, I feel an intense sense of hatred and inadequacy. He will never know, but he now has a rival.

-A young boy ran through the lanes singing a strange dubstep remix of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He sang in an accent that was just Cockney enough to offend the ears of anyone who heard, but just un-Cockney enough to even offend the Cockney Crowd.

-An adorable young girl, barely old enough to know how words work, screamed, “MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.” I look forward to following her rise to the top of any industry she pursues.

-I watched a man stumble into the store at 5:15 PM on a Wednesday evening in his pajamas and I understood him.

-A man approached me and asked where the bathroom was. I answered. He walked in the opposite direction. I do not know what is to come, but he is now prepared.

-An elderly woman attempted to get a discount on her purchase using her card from Boot Barn, telling me that she had just signed up for it and therefore should be able to use it. At the end of a long day’s work, this made more sense than it probably should have.