The Inner Dialogue of Someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder and is in a Relationship
First of all, I’d like to make it clear that my relationship is honestly quite amazing. We have a very honest, open, secure, accepting, understanding, and supportive relationship. But when you have BPD, your illness tells you things and makes you think things that are extremely hard to deal with, even in the best relationship.
What do you even see in me?
I’m filth. I’m trash. I am the emperor of garbage.
When are you going to realize I’m a horrible person?
Am I good enough for you?
Am I being too clingy, too needy, too emotional, too much?
Am I being too distant, too detached, too little?
Will I be enough this time?
Are you going to abandon me?
When are going to abandon me?
Are you lying to me?
Do you actually love me or are you just saying that?
Do I have too much baggage?
I’m such a burden to you.
You deserve so much better..
You’re going to leave me, everybody leaves
… Am I just a back up option? Something to use until something better comes along?
… Why are you with me, I’m nothing..
Does my risky behaviour stress you out? Do I stress you out? Am I difficult?
… I can’t “handle” myself, how is anybody else supposed to?
I hate myself, how can anybody actually love me?
If I don’t love myself and they say you can’t love somebody else if you don’t love yourself does that mean I’m lying to myself? Oh god I’m such a piece of shit…
Am I good enough?
Tell me I’m good enough… tell me it’s okay… tell me you love me
Should I tell you how I feel? No, no, no, you wouldn’t understand
I’m always so depressed and boring… are you bored with me?
You’ll get bored.
Until I do something impulsive or destructive.
Then I’ll stress you out and add drama to your life.
Omg I’m a horrible person, you deserve better
Nothing will ever help me, you don’t deserve this
Oh shit, I’m so annoying
How do you put up with me?
Fuck I love you, so so so so much, but I’m terrified you’re going to hurt me or I’m going to be bad for you …
It doesn’t matter how many times he reassures me or tells me being mentally ill doesn’t make me a burden, my illness convinces me I am.. I practice skills and go to therapy and do my best every single day. Some people get into a relationship with someone with BPD or another mental illness and have this idea they can ‘fix’ them or it will magically ‘go away’, it won’t. It doesn’t mean their feelings for you are any less or that they want to be this way… the support is amazing, being loved is amazing, but it doesn’t cure illnesses.
Your patience and support and encouragement and reassurance is always appreciated, but don’t get into the mindset that you have to be our therapists. Be our partners. That’s all we want from you, a partner.
And if you’re the one with bpd, don’t think that these thoughts mean your love is any less valid. You are deserving and capable of giving and receiving love, despite what your illness tells you 💖💖💖