i am hating the weather recently

Live life golden Part 5

Jungkook x reader

Warnings: strong language


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He was a graduate of the elite class, inherited billions from his father, and lived the life of an international playboy. (y/n) came into his life and made him question it all.

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BTS Festa 2017
‘What About Me? (이력서)’ [110617]

((Photo 1))
Name: Min Suga
Birthdate: 93.03.09
Blood Type: O
Specialty: Making Music
Hobby: Lying down
Notable achievements: Breathing for 25 years straight
Preferred Computer Softwares: Cubase
Typing Speed: 500 syllables per minute
Certification: Class C drivers licence, 2nd grade - Word Processor, Government-recognized human cultural asset in the art of lying down
Self-Skill Evaluation:
Art - 10/100
Sport - 50/100
Lyrics - 90/100
Memorization - 30/100

Daily food consumption: I eat whenever I’m hungry
Daily drink consumption: 4-5 cups of coffee

Notes: Has nice skin

((Photo 2))
Biting my nails
My motto: I am a genius
Movie that describes me: Scarface
My biggest charm point that beats no other is: Weak health
My perfect fatal flaw is: My bad memory
What I think about often nowadays: I’m so hungry

~What I Like~
Who I look up to:
My father
Sports: Basketball
Favorite Song: First Love
Snack: Coffee
Material of performing uniform: Cotton
Fashion Style: [Look at the picture that Suga drew] I like long sleeves

~What I Don’t Like~
I hate that winter is cold
When I don’t like myself: When I’m hungry
Most recent embarrassing moment: Don’t have any

((Photo 3))
Drawing of me growing up: [Look at Suga’s drawing]

~Relationship with members~
Jungkook thinks of me as:
A hyung
Jungkook to me is: The maknae
RapMonster thinks of me as: The second hyung
RapMonster to me is: The leader
V thinks of me as: A white person
V to me is: Full of charm
Jin thinks of me as: A dongsaeng
Jin to me is: The biggest hyung
J-Hope thinks of me as: My life saver
J-Hope to me is: J-Hope
Jimin thinks of me as: A hyung from Daegu
Jimin to me is: Busan tough guy

((Photo 4))
~Future goals~
Personal goal of 2017:
To produce and release a lot of songs
What is needed to achieve that goal: I need to write a lot of songs
What I want to do before I die: Become an amazing/respectable person
Something that I improved in comparison to last year: my age, my apetite
My biggest potential: To become older

((Photo 5))
~Personal Bragging Time~
I am a genius in everything.

MBTI personality test result: INFP
Accuracy: 0.5, half a star
The part of the test that explains / fits my personality well: In order to learn how to be consistent, start with the small things and then go from there.

I, Min Suga, as a member of BTS, recommend Genius Suga.

Confident about my salary!

anonymous asked:

Can you talk a little bit about what it's like having bpd? You blog about it sometimes, but it's something I hadn't really heard of until I started following you, and i'd like to know a little more about your experience, if that's okay. If this question is prying too much you don't have to answer it.

It’s not too invasive of a question, I do blog about it a fair amount I think, mostly reblogs from BPD blogs I follow but still. For reference for people, i’m talking about borderline personality disorder, not bipolar, a lot of people use the same acronym for them both.

It’s different for everyone, really, which is one of the hard things about it. BPD is diagnosed based on a number of symptoms, but you don’t need to have all of them to fit the diagnosis of BPD and some people experience one or two symptoms MUCH stronger than the others, so there are literally hundreds if not thousands of ways one can experience the disorder. I have a very, very close friend who also has it, and we were actually jamming recently about how we both experience it pretty similarly but we each have a symptom that the other doesn’t and how glad we are that we have the symptoms we do and are missing the ones we don’t because god it’s hard enough with what I have how do you deal with that one. These are the clinical symptoms, and bolded are the ones I experience:

  • Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  • A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

The intense and changeable moods fuck me up a lot but honestly, the identity is the worst part.

The way I try to describe it to people is that I don’t know what it’s like to feel happy, I know what it’s like to feel elated. I don’t know what it’s like to be sad, only depressed. I don’t get mad, I get absolutely fucking enraged. Copy paste that model for every emotion there is. I want you to imagine the most extreme emotion you’ve felt, the angriest you’ve ever been, the happiest, the most sad, well, that’s all I feel. And when i’m not feeling that, it’s emptiness. There is no middle ground, my emotions aren’t on a slider scale, it’s an on or off switch, it’s two ends of a line and nothing in the middle. It’s a song skipping five seconds in straight to the last two seconds it has. I either react to something like it’s the best/worst thing to ever happen, or I don’t react at all. I am either bursting with so much emotion and feeling it’s almost physically painful or i’m a dead shell with nothing to say.

A good example is my recent fandoms. I finished playing Undertale, and yeah I appreciate that it’s a nice game, but overall I had no feelings about it. I could say I mildly like it, because I feel like I probably should, but in reality, I just don’t care about it literally at all. I forgot about it pretty much immediately after I finished playing it. Not because I think it’s bad, but because it wasn’t strong enough to flip my switch. Star Wars on the other hand, well, you’ve seen my blog in the last month or two. It’s all or nothing, and when it’s all, it’s all.

The identity part is what I hate the most though. Basically I have no idea who I am, because I am no one. Ever since I can remember, literally, I remember feeling this way since I remember feeling at all, ive adapted other people’s traits as my own. New friend has a quirk? I have that quirk now. My friend has something they identify with? Oh man suddenly I feel like that too! But it’s not like how some people will just do everything their friend does on purpose to be close to them, or fake what they like to get new friends. I don’t even notice I do it, and it’s not fake. When I adapt something from someone else it’s real, it becomes a part of me. My personality is a mirror, I reflect back the parts of other people that I see. I can not emphasize enough that this is not a conscious decision and most of the time I can’t even tell that i’m doing it, and after it’s done, those feelings and emotions are real and a part of who I am at that time.

Almost nothing about me has ever stayed constant for more than a year at a time. And it’s not just as shallow as my mannerisms, my physical appearance, or my personal tastes in media. I’m talking about my religion, my sexuality, my gender identity, my ideals, my morals, my dreams, my goals. At no point have I ever been able to look at myself a year in the past and go “yes, I am that same person” because i’m not. I’m able to solidly call myself bisexual because at no point have I been exclusively attracted to one gender, however I have gone through periods where I have considered myself demisexual, hypersexual, aromantic, any combo of homo, bi and hetero romantic or sexual (but never fully gay or straight), where I have had no interest in anyone, where I have had every interest in everyone, and each time I felt like I had truly found what I was, only to no longer feel that way in 6 months time. My issues with gender identity mirror this, I have felt like a boy, I have felt like a girl, I have felt like I don’t want to be either. I have, for extended periods of time, wanted to have a top surgery, and for different extended periods of time wanted to have a breast augmentation, and had the exact same passion and need for each at the time I wanted them. Jobs? Fucking forget it. I’ve had passion for a ton of things, but a career is not made in a year, and by the time 12 months is up I no longer have the same wants, so I never make anything of myself. This is only made worse by the fact that I don’t half-ass anything I do, it comes back to those extreme emotions I talked about before. I have to go all fucking in, which means that it’s not just like “oh, well I was a tad fond of this thing, but now i’m a tad fond of this other thing” it’s things that literally bring me to the fits of fucking passion suddenly going dead and being replaces by something else. I am absolutely passionate and obsessed in everything I do, and I can’t even keep hold of that.

And still this all doesn’t sound too bad until you realize that the things I am depend almost exclusively on who’s around me, and that lack of agency is fucking horrible. Right now i’m struggling with gender issues and feeling like I may be genderfluid and want to go by they/them pronouns. If you notice, I no longer list my gender on my sidebar. However, I can’t tell if that’s a revelation and new discovery about myself as a person, or something ive picked up because the people ive gotten closest with recently all identify as something not cis. Yeah, I feel very pretty genuinely that i’m gender fluid now, but I have literally no idea if i’ll feel that way in a month or if my friend group switches to people who are mostly cis. Any part of myself that is new comes from the people around me, weather I like it or not. I am constantly being molded by the company I keep against my will.

It gets more pathetic, too. I used to hate my roommate’s cat, but now I love having it around and don’t mind it’s shit anymore. You want to know something truly sad about how little of me there actually is at the core? I have no idea if my feelings turned around because I got used to the cat, or because ive been reading/viewing so much Kylux and General Hux fanwork that ive adapted his fondness for Millicent into my own fucking real life personality.

I just. I want you to imagine that everything you know about yourself, every sentence you can say that starts with “I am” and finish with a fact about who you are as a person, suddenly changed. Not in a way that someone is denying who you are and you’re trying to fight them, no. You wake up one morning, and all your opinions, your passions, your goals, and your markers of self-identity are actually different. You have woken up as a new person, the person you were scrubbed away, and no matter how hard you try you can’t get yourself to think or feel the way you did when you went to bed. You know you used to feel that way, but now you feel this way, and it’s sudden and it’s scary and it’s odd because you don’t feel like the same person because you aren’t.

Repeat that process every few months, but stagger it. One month it’s your ideals, the next it’s your gender, the next it’s your career. I am always changing and I have no control over it and all I can do is keep walking forward, try to hold close to me the rare few things I know to be constant (they fit in the palm of my hand) and trust that somewhere inside me, there is a person. I think.

I hope.

Anyway, i’m sorry if I ended up going on a tirade about things that have been bothering me, but recently i’ve managed to hit that sweet spot where 75% of me is in transition and I have no idea who I am or what i’m doing or what I care about. Ive been a mess since I got back from Katsucon because of it sadly. There’s other things too, like how I am at any point filled with almost uncontrollable rage because problems controlling anger is the third major symptom I have and that fucks me up, but this post has been…long haha. If you or anyone else wants details or for me to talk about it more it’s something I don’t do often but i’m open to doing that today, I guess.

Don’t even get me started on the fact that I imprint on people like a fucking animal.