Imagine Chris being your rock.
A/N: This piece is going to be more than just about the angst and the fluff, it’s about addressing a serious issue in both my own life and society; an issue that seems to carry a stigma that prevents one from talking about it without shame. Now I started writing because it was the only time where I felt like I had true control over anything, over myself- over life. It’s honestly the reason I’m still alive sometimes. (Super dark, I’m sorry.) I have had an eating disorder for years now, and this is possibly the first time I’m publishing a story where I properly address that because I feel like Tumblr is a safe space and perhaps there is someone reading who will find comfort in my words and seek the help that I, too, am afraid to seek. First of all, you are not alone. Secondly, I know how scary it is. Thirdly, we are beautiful despite how often our reflection tell us we are not. Lastly, you are worthy and you deserve a love like this. Why am I writing this now, while I’m on my holiday having the time of my life? Because mental disorders don’t stop when you’re on holiday, and they don’t stop when you’re working, or studying for a major exam. I just want those who are suffering from this, or depression, or anxiety to know that I am with them always. ❤️
You tapped your pen anxiously against the table as you reread your food diary entry for the day. All the while you could hear the voices in your head telling you that “it’s too much”, that “you failed”, that you needed to “do better” and “be better”, and the harder you tried to ignore said voices, the louder they got. You lowered your pen and closed your notebook, taking slow breaths as your eyelids blackened your vision. You were okay, there was always tomorrow. You could eat less tomorrow; you’d succeed tomorrow; you’d be better and do better tomorrow.
You broke from your concentration when you heard Chris come through the front door, calling out to you. “Babe, I’m home!” Relief escaped your lungs as if he were the only thing capable of saving you from yourself. You returned yourself to your bittersweet reality, stowing your food diary in your top desk drawer where it lived with all your other notebooks; all filled with your thoughts, both blissful and pained.
“Hey you,” Chris smiled at you when you entered the kitchen. You managed one back, despite how tired and heartbroken you were; Chris noticed, but he said nothing knowing it would cause you to break down if he asked. “How was your day?” He asked as you forced your way into his arms, burying your face in his chest.
“Same old,” you mumbled, appreciating how comforting his touch was. He stroked your back gently, peppering soft kisses onto the top of your head. “How was yours?” You quizzed, glancing up at him for a moment before pressing your face back into his chest. God, he smelt so good; he smelt more than just his refreshing cologne, he smelt like warmth and kindness and happiness. He smelt like a dose of everything you needed after the day you had.
“Better now that I’m with my girl,” he smiled, giving you a tight squeeze before he released you. You leaned against the island counter while Chris proceeded to unpack the small bag of groceries he’d brought back with him. “So I’ve been thinking,” he glanced back at you, feeling his heart ache at the sight of your tired eyes. “Why don’t we go away for the weekend? We can rent a cabin, go immerse ourselves in the quiet forest. It’ll be nice, don’t you think?”
You knew Chris only suggested going out to a cabin when he was worried about you. It didn’t start out like that, it started off as a getaway where the two of you could spend some time alone without modern technology and people getting in the way. But over the years, it’d become a retreat where one could rid oneself of all the stress, and the emotional dread, and the weight of the world that was on one’s shoulders; that one being you, and occasionally Chris when he was having a particularly stressful time. It was a nice place to be because you wouldn’t have anything to stress and trigger you; you could just exist, drinking the calm and the quiet that Mother Nature provided. But it was also a horrible place to be because Chris would take that opportunity to talk to you, to worry and fuss about you, to love you with a love that you didn’t feel like you deserve, and unlike the city, you’d have no where, nothing, and no one to hide behind.
“I don’t know,” your fingers played with your right earlobe; a nervous tick Chris had deciphered over the years. “I feel like this isn’t a good time. You’re busy with work and I’m busy with work- I don’t think now’s a good time to have a getaway.”
“I think it’s because we’re so busy that we need a getaway,” he countered. “We can’t keep working ourselves to the bone, Y/N.” Especially not mentally, he thought but he didn’t say out loud. “I’m about to leave for Infinity War, now’s a good a time as any for us to have some alone time.” You let out a quiet sigh, but stopped arguing because you knew from Chris’ firm tone that saying no wasn’t an option. “Pack a bag, okay?” He kissed your cheek and you nodded with a forced smile. “We’ll leave in the morning.”
• • • • • • • •
The car ride out to the cabin wasn’t as bubbly as your usual car rides together; there was a fog of emotions, but happiness wasn’t one of them. You didn’t sing or joke, and you most definitely didn’t eat anything. It broke Chris’ heart to see you like this, and it broke yours to see what you were doing to him. It was actually your biggest fear to hurt him the way you were which was why you rejected him when he asked you out the first few times. He had this light in his eyes that you didn’t want to kill with your dark, you’d done enough of that over the course of your existence.
You’d lost friends, and boyfriends, and even some members of your family- you didn’t want to invest in another person only to lose them too. But Chris was persistent. He respected your decision to not be with him romantically, but remained in your life as a friend. A very good friend- a best friend that you couldn’t help but fall in-love with. He was the perfect man, he cared for you and loved you unconditionally. Even after finding out about what you suffered from, he didn’t go anywhere. He was one of the few who promised you a lifetime and actually proved he’d keep his promise, and so you let your walls down and allowed him into your life as your romantic partner.
Two and a half years later, after dozens of panic attacks and days where you’d avoid food altogether, you were still with him and he was as in-love with you as the first time he saw you. Till this day you didn’t understand why, because to you, you were unlovable. But that wasn’t how Chris saw you, he knew you weren’t your disorders; you were intelligent, and talented, and strong, and beautiful, and resilient. He loved you because of all that, but most of all, he loved you because you remained kind despite the constant hell you were dragged through. You may not have seen what he saw, but you were every bit the girl you aspired to be, and until you saw yourself in that same light- he wasn’t going to stop working you towards that.
“Hey.” You turned away from the window when Chris reached for your hand and pulled it onto his lap as he gave it a light squeeze. “What are you thinking about?” He asked then lifted your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles. You felt your lips quirk into a smile; that was an act of affection you’d never get tired of.
“Nothing,” you shook your head.
“Do you want to know what I’m thinking about?” He quizzed and you nodded. “How much I love you.” He threw a grin your way and you managed a laugh; he smiled because that was what he loved to hear. “You make me feel like I’m the luckiest man on the planet everyday, Y/N.” He forced himself not to well up when he saw you did. “Everyday,” he repeated in a firmer tone.
“I feel the same way about you, Chris,” you squeezed his hand and smiled. “I love you to a point where you could easily ruin me,” you admitted under your breath as you pulled your hand from his. You didn’t mean for Chris to hear it, but he did and he understood it. It was the same for him; you were going to be someone he’d never get over if he was ever unlucky enough to lose you.
“I’m never going anywhere,” he glanced at you as you closed your eyes, pretending to drift off. “You know that, right?” He waited for an answer, but he didn’t get one. “I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with you, sweetheart.” He said as he came to a stop at a red light. He leaned over the gearbox and kissed the side of your head gently, whispering as he pulled away, “don’t you worry.”
• • • • • • • •
Chris watched you over the table as you unconsciously stared at your food. You were so used to contemplating the pros and cons of consuming anything that you didn’t even realize you were doing it until you called yourself out. It was incredibly heartbreaking for Chris to see that you couldn’t even do what humans were meant to do in order to survive without first spending hours fighting yourself on it. The motto you lived by: eating is a choice, not a necessity.
You had good days where you could eat and not feel like your entire world was falling apart, then you had bad days where you couldn’t even eat a salad without feeling like you needed to throw it back up. It was so fickle that you didn’t know if you were actually suffering from an eating disorder, or if you were just a health nut who wanted to look good. But no health nut would do what you constantly did to yourself, there was something definitely wrong with you.
Chris could still remember when he first confronted you about it, it was probably one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. You weren’t dating when he found out about your eating disorder, but he was already in-love with you so it didn’t stop his heart from shattering at the sounds of your cries. It didn’t seem like normal crying to him, it was as though he could hear your soul break. The pain you were in was immense but mental, and nothing he did could’ve taken it away. In that moment, seeing the love of his life bawl her eyes out, he thought he’d died and gone to hell.
“Are you going to eat that?” Chris asked gently.
“Um…” You looked up at him, your eyes glistened. “Yeah,” you forced a smile, “I am.” You picked up your knife and fork and poked at the roasted chicken breast on your plate before cutting a small piece and putting in into your mouth. “It’s good,” you mumbled after swallowing.
Now he didn’t want to push you, but his worry had reached the edge of the cliff. You needed to eat something and you needed to eat it now because he didn’t want you to get lightheaded or suffer from gastric pains again. “Y/N,” he began with a sigh.
“What?” You were frustrated with yourself and on the verge of crying. “I’m eating, aren’t I?”
“You have to try harder than that,” he told you. Both of you could both hear how worried he was for your physical and mental health, and that he was on the verge of crying too. “I know how difficult this-” he began but was cut off.
“I love you, Chris, but you don’t.” You shook your head as you rose to your feet, weeping as you did. “And I really don’t want to do this with you right now. Excuse me,” you walked out of the dining room and headed straight for the backdoor so you could take a walk and calm down.
The air was crisp outside. Actually, it was a lot colder than your unprotected body could endure. You wrapped your arms around yourself, rubbing warmth through your thin sweater. You heard the door open then heavy footsteps crunching towards you, you closed your eyes and fought the urge to cry as Chris draped your coat over your shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, rubbing your arms. “You’re right, I don’t get it. If you’re not ready, then- you’re not ready.” Your shoulder shook gently as you cried as quietly as you could. “I can’t force recovery on you, I can just be here for you as you recover. I’m sorry, Y/N,” he repeated as he gently turned you around. “I’m really sorry, sweetheart.” He cupped your face in his hands and brushed away your tears, starting to cry himself. “I’m sorry you’re going through all this, I’m sorry you think you’re not beautiful because you are.”
“I’m broken, aren’t I?”
“No,” he shook his head then pulled you into his arms, holding you tightly against him. “You’re not broken, you’re just lost right now. But we’re going to get you out of this, okay?” He rubbed your back soothingly as you cried into his shoulder. “I promise you, this pain isn’t going to be forever.” He pulled back to take your face in his hands again, “and I always keep my promises, don’t I?” You nodded, sobbing. “So believe me, you’re going to be okay.”
“I love you,” you choked out as he pulled you back in for another hug.
“I love you too,” he whispered, clutching onto you as tightly as he could.
Tags: @chrisevans-imagines @widowsfics @m-a-t-91 @xoxomioxoxo @imaginesofdreams @ateliefloresdaprimavera @katiew1973 @winter-tospring @shamvictoria11 @caitsymichelle13 @michellekeehlmello @letterstomyself21 @soymikael @faye22 @always-an-evans-addict @sammyrenae68 @brobrobreja @elizabeth-matsuoka @thegirlwiththeimpala @camerica96 @all-of-the-above11 @captainamerica-ce @whenyourealizethisisntagoodname @yourtropegirl @smoothdogsgirl @createdbytinyaddiction @siofrataylor @dreamingintheimpalawithdean @imaginary-world-of-mine @wanderingkat77 @grantward3 @rileyloves5 @chrsmom302 @buckys-shield @mylittlefandomfanfictions @breezykpop @catch-me-im-a-falling-star @tabi-toast @ssweet-empowerment @hayleesteashoppe @chrixa @feelmyroarrrr @akidura79 @louisespecter @castellandiangelo @ccrossfire @assxmblesstuff @edward-lover18 @princessesnaddy @1d-niallerbieberforever @dxbrevgrey @bellastellaluna @christopher-or-steven (I am so sorry for this angsty piece, I just needed to get some stuff out. I’ll get back to the fluff after this, I promise. Don’t quit me ❤️)