i am crying so hard this shit

sense8 just got cancelled. 

a show about 8 people who are so dynamic, two women of colour, a transgender female character, a man of colour, a gay man who struggled with his sexuality, issues of mental illness and a show just filled with such incredible issues got cancelled. 

I’ve lost all hope in this world. Netflix I hope you burn. I can’t believe shit white shows run for soooo many seasons, but a complex show like sense8 fails to get a third season. I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF. I finally got to see an indian girl that I could look up to, that I could somehow identify with and I can’t believe it’s taken away from me. Do you know how hard it is to find good desi representation? do you?! I am so upset right now.

Let’s start it off with the one and only, the canon pairing of a sad sk8er boi and his tiny baker: Jack Zimmerman/Eric “Bitty” Bittle!

Ice Crew Please!

THE FIC THAT CHANGED E V E R Y T H I N G u don’t even KNOW oh my god

u read this and u r like: “ice crew au…?? wut” but U GUYS. READ IT.

I AM. BEGGING U. its so fucking funny but also so fucking meaningful and abt CREATING A Fa mILY !!!! and LoVe!!!! and frieNDShIP!!!

p.s i don’t want to spoil it but if u read it message me and ill talk to u abt the part that made me cry like actual tears bc thank god for friendships and acknowledging that shit is hard

the messes of men

this was… in it’s own way.. a hard fic to read (which makes it the best fic to read! pain! i love it! help me!) it’s very very very beautifully written and i hold it very close to my heart….how it portrays jack by himself and how hard it must’ve been…it also manages to weave in how mental illness plays its own role, even once you get together with the person you’re pretty sure is it for you. somewhat painful but cathartic and achingly tender.

until it got the best of you

umm bitty has a big dick. that’s it.

BUT then there’s feelings! and angst! and misunderstanding! (the best type too! u know when one is like so crazily in love with the other and thinks its shockingly obvious but surprise, it’s not!) it’s just fantastic!

i never saw the signs

imagine a world where jack jumping over the snowbank, bringing bitty coffee, going on long walks classifies (in jack’s mind) as dating. so when bitty gets asked out, jack cannot believe the b e t r ay a l! we’re dating bitty! just read this and be happy :)

left the city, my family, my precinct

oh my goodness this fic.

jack accidentally sends bittle a dick pick.

:0  ;)  <3 ___ <3 = summary of the fic

mixing it up

this is just….so cute?!??!?! and funny?!??! and 1!!!!!

bitty is contestant at a baking tournament for the falconers where jack and tater are the judges. at least, thats where it starts off.

tater is fucking hILARIOUS this fic in general made me laugh a lot.

strawberry

if u about that dom/sub life well…….just know that eric pins jacks hands to the bed and there’s v intense blushing that boi turns red like a tomato and i live 4 it.

eric is a tad too southern for me but it’s the only thing this fic doesn’t do perfectly :))))

something like this

considering how popular this fic is it actually sat open in a tab for a looong loooooong time just bc…well… it’s 285,748 words. im an all or nothing girl as in i once read the entire maze runner trilogy in one night so i had to find the right time

first of all: angst. second of all: angst. third of all: ….. u guessed it… angst. BUT don’t worry, for every drop of angst there’s a metro-fucking-ton of smut and sweetness :)))) ;))) what this fic does brilliantly is create an OMC that is at the forefront of the story and do it seamlessly. this is a pretty iconic fic and tbh im definitely not one for fics longer than 100k but this was a fuckin’ beaut man

rake the springtime across your sheets

oh god this was P A I N F U L but in a very beautiful way??? (that’s how u know the writing was siCK) ambiguously happy ending but tbh in the end this fic is really just abt the unspoken quiet truth of being in love, of loving, of being human just lke Fffffffuck me up

Phone, Please!

listen. i’m not a fluff person. idk i get bored. BUT. BUUUUUT. BUT. this fic.

AMAZING. this fic is all about the details and the little moments that make Bitty and Jack  ~*BittyandJack*~

Bonus favorite line: “Thank god there are pancakes to serve. Pancakes are also very nice, and something he can actually have.”

Winter Clothes

Chowder POV so this is both hiLARIOUS and surprisingly touching. Jack and Bitty help Chowder buy clothes for New England winter. As a person living in New England, I approve this message.

WIPS: *Hate That I Love You plays in the background*

medic, please!

so if u ever played world of warcraft u r gonna love it and if you’ve never played world of warcraft u r gonna love it

this fic is just SO CREATIVE?!?!! like the format of it is B O M B. its just. so good. oh ym god.

(also the name is “medic please!” get it? cuz eric’s a medic in the game.? and check..PLEASE! ugh I’m a nerd 4 this pic

Fainting Psychics and Pessimistic Demonologists

ghostbusters au except not bc copyright

at first i was like…ghost hunters au?? rlly? but now I’m like GHOST HUNTERS AU? B R I L L I A N T.

characters are on point, its funny (an actual line of the fic “Jack sat down at his computer, pulled open a tab, and googled “How to encourage a teammate”. lmao what a mess)

but also theres some mystery and intrigue and suspense and in general this is a Good.

baking is punk as fuck

this is another AU that i was like…punk band u ….rlly? but then i was like PUNK BAND AU FUCK YEAH im a sucker for asshole Jack. i’m not even into punk?? but im into this fic U ___ U

This Don’t Even Feel Like Falling

filed under “praise kink mmmm”

honestly? porn..? “Bitty is the one to tie Jack’s hands for Hazeapalooza; afterward, he ties Jack’s hands for their own private enjoyment. “ like?? I’m not sorry.

but also not established relationship more like fwb but u know and i know and ngozi knows that ain’t the game we’re playing here

around the green and blue

not usually a big fan of soulmate aus but what i love about this fic is the pacing and even tho soulmate aus where seeing your soulmate = seeing color for the first time isn’t totally new this felt super fresh and original!

shine for you

aw MAN this gave me the feeeeeels. established relationship but jack is not out, it’s a bit angsty but the jack perspective is just so gooood

EXTRA: It all started with a big Russian hockey player calling a small cat-loving hockey player a rat. You either h8 it or u luv it. In my case, I Love it, capital L, so enjoy: Alexei “Tater” Mashkov/Kent Parson

careful the tale you tell

Kent has been telling himself a story, ever since the Q. It’s the epic story of Parse and Zimms, and he’s in love with it. // this fic is specifically meant for patater newbies and this fic does an amazing job of showing why kent and alexei just make sense. its honestly a Blessing.

kick on the starter

lmao im gonna be 90 years old and still reccing Febricant’s fics…for real when i saw they wrote patater i was like…no..im dreaMing…or im dead? is . is heaven?? rlly unique approach to how she gets them together and gr8 build up :)))) Bless Febricant

i need to wake up, i need me some love…

honestly? shameless fluff. established relationship (they’re ENGAGED FOR GOD’S SAKE) short but Good

HE CARES ABOUT HER SO MUCH I’M FUCKING CRYING HOLY SHIT 

HE IS SO COCKY BUT DOES NOT FORGET HER AND FUCK HE CARES SO MUCH ABOUT HER I AM CRYING I AM DEAD FUCKKKKKKKK

You okay?””I’m fine””You’re pushing yourself too hard
You gonna marry me today?””Ask me again tomorrow””I always do
Did I tell you I love you?””Yes… Say it anyways””I love you
Why do you never say yes?””Cuz then…I wouldn’t get to hear you ask…
I’m so tired””You gotta rest honey””Everyone is depending on me!””Everyone can wait.
Do I make you happy Rakan?””Everyday of my life
I’m lucky to have you.””Nope, I’m the lucky one””I swear, you will be the death of me””I’m fine with that.””Me too


THIS IS GOALS. THIS. IS. GOALSSSSS

4

sisters so beautiful they reduce the self esteem of everyone who meets them

an outsider’s perspective on pjo

submitted by the absolutely incredible @orhowfar

okay i’m not in pjo fandom. i havent read any of the books, and before joining tumblr i knew NOTHING about it other than there was a movie once. sooo idk what this is really, i guess i thought an outsider’s impressions would amuse you.

- a bunch of teenage demigods who… hang out and piss their parents off
- the consequences are disastrous
- because their parents are greek gods and therefore assholes
- everyone should just listen to annabeth
- percy’s a little shit who doesn’t know what he’s doing but gets it done anyway
- percy is poseidon’s son, annabeth is the daughter of athena, and like idek any of the others but i know their names are piper nico bianca hazel grover jason magnus (who is… annabeth’s brother?)
- percy annabeth and hazel remain to be the only three i can name by sight
- percabeth
- his memories of annabeth were too strong to be completely erased
- there’s a… prophecy?? or something? there’s always a prophecy
- but no one dies ever
- except where’s grover
- why are they all wearing orange shirts, seriously is that a collective favorite color or something
- boo/hoo stands for the sound pjo fandom makes when they think about what might have been
- but srsly just listen to annabeth
- dark!percy aus are apparently a thing that are not entirely out of line with his character in canon which is a discussion i followed with interest
- nico’s gay but everyone hates the way this was revealed. also i think he has a sister.
- percy on the other hand goes out of his way to spell out how no-homo he is
- hazel teams up with annabeth at… some point. idk. there was fanart. it looked epic and apocalyptic.
- in the new book there’s a character who wears a hijab, and some other dude, and it’s also about norse gods, and also annabeth is there
- what movie
- “what i dont understand is why, over the course of several books, it’s proven that despite being an utter goofball percy actually comes through and saves the day, and everyone continually acts all surprised.”
- pjo fandom is stuck in some otherly-dimension groundhog day where they will be buying new pjo books for the rest of their life.
- did that underwater kiss actually happen or is it a natural byproduct of a fandom where the lead is the son of the god of the sea
- just… listen to annabeth
- percy no


i am dying because this is the most accurate summary of these books and this fandom and just “boo/hoo stands for the sound pjo fandom makes when they think about what might have been” I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING holy shit. bravo. bravo.

All Is Forgiven ~Naughty November~

Prompt: Hot vampire sex with Klaus after a fight

Pairing: Klaus x Reader

Word Count: 1k

Warning: Overstimulation

Tagged:  @crysxtal @dunbarkiss @kirsty-lou666 @emo-chick-59-stuff@xxshewollfxx @horror-movies-and-disney @kittencutie245 @thejulietfarciertlove @yui-miyuka

Keep reading

TRUE FACTS: KUROPAPA IS SMILING WIDELY AND BLUSHING ALSO SWEATING

HE IS SO NERVOUS

HE JUST WANT HIS BABY TO LIKE HIM HE’S TRYING SO HARD OH MY GOD

So yeah I’m literally in tears because of all this, not because of bex (she doesn’t deserve even a drop of rain) but because I’m getting so many of you guys both survivors and mlm coming in and just feeling heartbroken and crying because ya’ll identified with this show so hard and it made you feel safe and you all hardcore identified with the characters and loved the rep they had only to end up being disgusted with those same characters months later because of how the uglies treated them and fetishized ya’ll and just romanticized the trauma you went through and I am so fucking sorry ya’ll have to deal with this shit, I really am.

Nobody should have to go through what you guys are going through and the fact that some people can laugh about this and brush it off as well as your feelings about it as a joke is just horrible and I hope you find some comfort in either something you’re doing, someone you trust, or just something you’re getting ready to do.

My advice is to keep your head up high and don’t take no shit from anyone no matter who they are.

You are not someone just reduced to a fetish or a joke that can be brushed off so easily, you are valid and I love each and every one of you.

Anyone who says different can catch these hands and get they’re ass beat behind a goddamn burger king.

2

and.. because… YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY!! AND I AM CRAZY TOO!! BECAUSE I HIT 1000 FOLLOWERS!!! T___T I am crying so hard and have a crazy party in my head with all of you… I thank not only the ones who choosed to follow my shit-art-blog, but also the one who likes and reblogs my things, and the ones who write cute words to me sometimes and the most I thank the ones who are like “regulars”, they come by and everytime I see that they were here and liked/reblog/write something, I got a big smile on my face and my heart gets warm + I blush… a lot. Really. a lot. So. THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!  <3

(and I am so excited, because one of my favourite artists liked one of my pieces!!! *sceam and cry and smile and giggle all at ones* :D <3

And.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR FRECKLED JESUS!!! You will always be in our hearts ;_; </3

Raw Talent

Pairings: Jensen x wife!Reader, Jared x sister!Reader

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: Swearing. it’s kind of a weird fic, but I had this cute idea and I wanted to make it happen.

A/N: This is really just a crack!fic. I’m not sorry. This one actually kind of sucks. This is also one of my four entries for SPN Family Love and Acceptance Day! I told you it would get better as the day wore on! Enjoy!

You looked off to the side of the stage, the lights blinding you slightly, making you put your arm up to shield your eyes.

The fan standing there holding a microphone seemed to be quaking in her shoes.

“Hi,” she breathed, making you chuckle slightly.

“Hey there, sweetie,” you tried to calm her nerves.

She took a deep breath before asking her question, “So I’m sure you get this question a lot, but what is it like working with your husband and brother?”

Keep reading

Langst and a black hole

No i didn’t mean his ass.
Scenario: the team is fighting Galra, they didn’t even form Voltron yet, they are unlucky because there’s a black hole near the place of the fighting. And the fighting proceeds really not as the team would want to. And Keith is on the line of fire - so Lance jumps to the rescue - how could he not, now finally he would be able to say that he saved oh that great Keith from imminent death (but really, that stupid mullet is his friend so tbh Lance is ready to die for him just because, but shh, don’t ruin his reputation, Keef doesn’t have to know, it’s all for bragging purposes)

But what Lance didn’t take under consideration was, when he help out Keith, the attention went to him and Lance was pushed dangerously near the event horizon of the black hole. But he bravely fought the Galrans and came back as quick as he could.

But… it was 4 years later. He even didn’t realize how close he got the black hole. His time was alerted. He was still a 19 years old boy, surrounded but his friends… 4 years older then him. They welcomed him warmly and with tears in their eyes, with apologies and hugs. Even Keith teared a little, because boy blamed himself for what happened. They couldn’t form Voltron for 4 years… but they built a resistance. Lance was impressed how much changed. But also sad how much he missed.

But not only that saddened him. He already didn’t feel equal at the start… and now. Everyone is 4 years ahead of him. Stronger, faster, quicker. They became true warriors. Paladins of Voltron. And Lance… Now Lance value himself even less. How can he match them now? How can he fit? How can he shine among them with something special? When they worked so hard for 4 years to connect, to be stronger, to fight better, to shoot more precisely, to fly faster. When they bonded so much - without him.

Lance is glad he helped Keith - because God knows how badly it would have ended without his intervention. He is glad he sacrificed himself back then… but the problem is that Lance thinks about himself in past tense. Exactly. He sacrificed himself. Lance feels like he’s dead, like he’s just a ghost of the past and that he cannot fit the team anymore.

And the team tries hard to prove him wrong… and how much they missed him how lonely they got.

The question is: is it possible for Lance to believe he’s not only a burdening ghost of the past?


  • (you can interpret it as any ship or no ship i don’t mind)
  • (if someone would like to - my god maybe i am to bold to say that… - turn it into an art piece or fanfic, go ahead just tag me/inform me)
  • also as you can see I cannot write for shit so I don’t think I will write a continuation :’)
  • lets cry together over our precious son, Lance
be more chill sentence starters (part 1)

these are some quotes from each of the songs. feel free to edit pronouns/add names. trigger warning for sex, suicide mentions, and drug mentions, among more. part 2 here.

MORE THAN SURVIVE

  • ❛ come on, go, go! ❜
  • ❛ i’m waiting for my porno to load. ❜
  • ❛ freaking out is my “okay”. ❜
  • ❛ i feel my stomach filling up with dread. ❜
  • ❛ god, i wish i had the skill to just be fine and cool and chill. ❜
  • ❛ i don’t want to be a hero. ❜
  • ❛ i don’t want to be special. ❜
  • ❛ i just want to survive. ❜
  • ❛ that is so awesome… i - i mean slutty! ❜
  • ❛ don’t touch me, tall ass! ❜
  • ❛ that’s not what i need right now. ❜
  • ❛ did you say something? ❜
  • ❛ my mack daddy game couldn’t be more limp. ❜
  • ❛ just clear your brain and move ahead. ❜
  • ❛ i don’t want to be a baller. ❜
  • ❛ how’s it hanging? ❜
  • ❛ you look like ass, what’s wrong? ❜
  • ❛ it’s all good. i saw on discovery that humanity has stopped evolving. ❜
  • ❛ that’s… good? ❜
  • ❛ evolution is survival of the fittest, right? but now, because of technology. you don’t need to be strong to survive! ❜
  • ❛ there’s never been a better time in history to be a loser. ❜
  • ❛ GAY! ❜
  • ❛ i like gay people. ❜
  • ❛ i’m never going to be the cool guy. i’m more the one who’s left out. ❜
  • ❛ i am not the one who the story’s about. ❜
  • ❛ why can’t someone just help me out? ❜
  • ❛ help me do more than survive. ❜

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL

  • ❛ i love play rehearsal because it’s the best! ❜
  • ❛ i just use the word to emphasize a point. ❜
  • ❛ i am passionate a lot! ❜
  • ❛ i have mad, gigantic feelings, red and frantic feelings about most everything. ❜
  • ❛ where was i? ❜
  • ❛ life is easy in rehearsal. ❜
  • ❛ anywho, the point that i’m getting to is life can’t always work out in the way it works out in a play. ❜
  • ❛ no matter how hard i try it’s impossible to narrow down the many reasons why. ❜
  • ❛ i happiness cry as soon as it starts. ❜
  • ❛ most humans do one thing for all of their lives. ❜
  • ❛ i’ve got so many interests i wanna pursue. ❜
  • ❛ why am i telling this to you? ❜
  • ❛ my brain is like “bzzz”, my heart is like “wow”. ❜

THE SQUIP SONG

  • ❛ i was a loser just like you. ❜
  • ❛ i was hopeless, i was helpless. ❜
  • ❛ i was so suicidal. ❜
  • ❛ then i got a SQUIP. ❜
  • ❛ you got quick? ❜
  • ❛ i’ve just never heard of it. ❜
  • ❛ this is some top secret, “can’t even look it up on the internet” shit. ❜
  • ❛ so it’s like drugs? ❜
  • ❛ it’s better than drugs. ❜
  • ❛ it’s preprogrammed. ❜
  • ❛ it helps you rule. ❜
  • ❛ right now you’re helpless, you are almost hopeless. ❜
  • ❛ then you’ll go from sad to interesting to hip, you’re whole life will flip! ❜

TWO PLAYER GAME

  • ❛ find the bad guy, push him aside. ❜
  • ❛ it’s a two player game, so when you make an attack, you know you’ve got a brother/sister/partner who’ll have your back. ❜
  • ❛ and if you leave your brother/sister/partner behind it’s lame. ❜
  • ❛ it’s an effed up world, but it’s a two player game. ❜
  • ❛ dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette. ❜
  • ❛ it’s no big, because you and i are a team. ❜
  • ❛ nobody here appreciates. ❜
  • ❛ guys like us are cool in college. ❜
  • ❛ this is what we do, we make it a two player game. ❜
  • ❛ as losers we have fought together for years. ❜
  • ❛ know that you are my favorite person, that doesn’t mean that i can’t still dream. ❜
  • ❛ is it really true that i’m your favorite person? ❜
  • ❛ we’re never not going to be a team. ❜

THE SQUIP ENTERS

  • ❛ target in accessible. ❜
  • ❛ please excuse some mild discomfort. ❜
  • ❛ woah, woah, woah… i’m fine. i just – ❜
  • ❛ discomfort level may increase. ❜
  • ❛ GAAAAHHHHH! HAAHH! HAAAAAAAHH!! ❜
  • ❛ welcome to your super quantum unit intell processor… your SQUIP. ❜

BE MORE CHILL, PART 1

  • ❛ take your hands out of your pockets. ❜
  • ❛ fix your posture. ❜
  • ❛ all your nerdiness is ugly. ❜
  • ❛ all your stammering’s a chore. ❜
  • ❛ fix your vibe, then fix some more. ❜
  • ❛ no, stop. ❜
  • ❛ everything about you is so terrible. ❜
  • ❛ everything about you makes me want to die. ❜
  • ❛ you will be more chill. ❜
  • ❛ first thing’s first, go buy a new shirt. ❜
  • ❛ it’s better if you just comply. ❜
  • ❛ just step and fetch, don’t ask me why. ❜
  • ❛ how are you with math homework? ❜
  • ❛ i’m made of math. ❜
  • ❛ you’re a slob. ❜
  • ❛ you shop here? ❜
  • ❛ you look sexy. ❜
  • ❛ is that a girl’s shirt? ❜
  • ❛ it’s still painful. ❜
  • ❛ hey, hamlet. be more chill. ❜

DO YOU WANNA RIDE?

  • ❛ do you wanna ride? ❜
  • ❛ if this is going to work, you need to do as i instruct. ❜
  • ❛ wanna go far? ❜
  • ❛ don’t you say no. ❜
  • ❛ we’ve gotta stop for frozen yogurt first. ❜

BE MORE CHILL, PART 2

  • ❛ you can’t just listen, you have to obey. ❜
  • ❛ repeat after me: ____. ❜
  • ❛ everything about me is just terrible. ❜
  • ❛ everything about me makes me wanna die. ❜
  • ❛ everything about you is going to be wonderful. ❜
  • ❛ you won’t feel left out or unsure. ❜
  • ❛ you won’t be ugly anymore. ❜

MORE THAN SURVIVE (REPRISE)

  • ❛ ow! ❜
  • ❛ i was just gonna… check my email. ❜
  • ❛ you can’t lie to me, ____, i’m inside your brain. ❜
  • ❛ still not gonna be the cool guy, but maybe not so left out. ❜
  • ❛ i might be the one who the story’s about. ❜
  • ❛ all in all, a not so heinous day. ❜
bad beat

howdy pals welcome back make yourself a cup of tea & let’s crack into it

  • this cold open is already so great
  • “very happy about it, it’ll be fun, it’ll be fun”
  • did amy get a lil fright at the confetti canon that was cute
  • JAKE’S SMILE BEHIND CHARLES HE’S SO ADORABLE WHAT THE FUCK I AM IN LOVE
  • “his nickname is longer than is actual name, why’s that terry?” “cuz he’s a dick”
  • the way jake said “good guess captain” made me laugh so much
  • “daaaamn cap, are you secretly cool?”
  • “typical standing elite”
  • “honey, you don’t have the ass for it” jsjsjejdjnss i’m ready for the butt-lympics
  • excuse me amy where is your engagement ring? remember when you got engaged to the love of your life? that sparkly lil circle? where is it sis?
  • also amy looks very pretty
  • but amy always looks very pretty
  • Murder Truck™
  • “ewwww there’s a knee in the fryer!”
  • “damn it eugene you sold me out” 
  •  i love it when they give backstories to their undercover identities
  • “you’re a virgin that’s an order” “but i don’t WANNA be a virgin again”
  • “let’s get back in there and suck out two runners down by the river” …….oh jake sweetie
  • i love this side plot with hitchcock and scully it’s so good
  • ROSA WHEELING ON HER CHAIR IN THE BACKGROUND BEHIND CHARLES IM LAUGHING SO HARD
  • they’re literally calling it murder truck i can’t
  • why would ur insurance start the day after buying a truck and not the day of wtf a rookie mistake
  • uh oh holt no
  • “oh no he is deep in the ham crate”
  • holt’s reaction to his internet being cut off is such a mood
  • “you’re fired no one works here anymore”
  • how innocent does jake look in this scene why does he look so adorable in this episode my heart is soaring
  • “so - i’m sorry - terry you went to jersey for pizza?”
  • “we’ve been through hell together, now we stand together” damn that’s inspiring.
  • aw charles is trying so hard to make his food truck work poor bud
  • “you can invest it something you actually believe in instead of my balls”
  • tssssssk should’ve checked for poopers captain!!!
  • i really thought this was about to be seamus murphy and he was gonna get the favour he was owed but nvm
  • “bye bye swish swish bish”
  • aw they’re so excited about their food truck THAT SHIT IS SO CUTE WHY DOES THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAVE SO MUCH CUTE
  • “hello dan daniel valdano, guess what” “YOU’RE A DICK” i am CRYING at terry’s delivery of that line
  • “jokes on you, my mother has a fantastic basement. title of your sex tape”
  • hitchcock and scully being hailed heroes? by ROSA? damn. That Happened. 

in conclusion: a good filler episode like not necessarily one of my faves but it was still good and i enjoyed it. also, where 👏🏻 was 👏🏻 amy’s 👏🏻 ring 👏🏻

it’s whatever (or after my mother asks me to explain to her my poem about depression)

and in the first stanza i think about killing myself

but let’s say the speaker
so you can continue
to listen and not stop
to cry or to think about burying
another child
or wonder how you will retrieve my body
from kentucky (a megabus).

so, in the first stanza
the speaker thinks about killing themself.
here, leave
means, to die.

are you still with me?

so in the second stanza, the speaker
dissociates. the speaker is always
asking for a friend, always
trying to make a living
being someone else.
so the speaker is an actor, right?
and they’re rehearsing this play in which
everyone dies, got it?
so what’s that phrase?
don’t shit where you eat?
don’t take your work home with you?
anyway, everyone’s got sad eyes,
but the speaker’s the one with scar tissue, so.

and in the third stanza
we’ve got a series of action verbs,
or, you know, a list of things you can’t do
if you’re depressed or dead.
the speaker doesn’t mean to conflate the two,
but you asked.
so action verbs, yeah. it’s this dumb thing
actors do. you got to make a bold choice, right?
so that’s the question. fight or flight  
or stand still and let the megabus hit you.

in the fourth stanza
someone asks the speaker
just how sad are you really?
this moment is a placeholder
for every time someone suggests free
therapy thinking free
therapy is actually
free, as in does not cost anything.
or like how last night, a boy
the speaker is kissing
makes a joke about self-injury
& scans their body for land
mines when they laugh
a little too hard.
boom.

and in the fifth stanza
the speaker feels selfish.
every night they watch
a country draw its last breath
across a valley of asphalt
on loop & dare cry for themself.

but it’s whatever.

today i put on lipstick a friend from minneapolis sent me, ate waffles, danced around my room, and did two loads of laundry.

that’s a shit ton of action verbs.

so yeah, it was a poem about depression,
but it’s whatever.

in
most
poems
a line
break
indicates
a breath.

do you hear it?
how in every stanza
i am breathing,
how in every word
i am alive.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, kiddo? I’ll have you know I’m a jaded teenage girl and my dad screams if i forget to do my chores. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’ve got a black belt. You are nothing to me but just another hoodrat. I will drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me because you’re gay and have different skin? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting all of her nasty friends and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Talk shit get hit, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. If only you could have known my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. Try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. Life is a battlefield and it looks like I’ve already won.