i am constantly disappointed but not surprised

* ∘ ∙ — text post starters. archetype: the student.

tw for references to suicidal thoughts

  • ‘i’d really like to be taken out tbh. in a date way or a sniper way i have no preference’
  • ‘today i’m wearing a nice dark shade of exhaustion under my eyes.’
  • ‘beds are so warm and soft when the rest of the world is not’
  • ‘i ship me and money’
  • ‘actually all of my systems are nervous’
  • ‘boom crack the sound of my joints’
  • ‘*is proud of dark circles* *is proud of looking like death*’
  • ‘i have a phd in getting myself into really bad situations’
  • ‘i cant believe i have to wake up again tomorrow ! i cant believe it!!!’
  • ‘can i log out of life’
  • ‘i look stressed? haha yeah it’s the stress’
  • ‘when u look relaxed all the time bc ur dead inside’
  • ‘if you’re following me i’m just warning you that i don’t know where i’m going’
  • ‘i would just like to publicly announce that i have no idea what i’m doing’
  • ‘i’m usually that person that has no idea what’s going on’
  • ‘me @ myself: why are you like this’
  • ‘got a masters degree in being ignored’
  • ‘i’ve done like, 12 things in my life probably, and i regret 16 of them’
  • ‘i just realized i’ve survived everything i’ve ever encountered in life. i have a 100% survival rate. i’m fucking nailing it.’
  • ‘list of things im handling well currently: that’s it.’
  • ‘*pretends to be mentally stable*’
  • ‘“you wear that shirt a lot” yes because i own it’
  • ‘i need to get laid… to rest. put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend’
  • ‘simple and effective ways to deal with stress include AAAAHHHHHHHHH’
  • ‘occupation: the family disappointment’
  • ‘96% of my life is ????? with a little ¿¿¿¿¿’
  • ‘i’ve decided i want to be cremated. not when i die, just whenever. surprise me.’
  • ‘you don’t wanna mess with me i cry easily’
  • ‘me???? tired???? sleepy??? yes constantly’
  • ‘i am pretty much 3% human and 97% stress’
  • ‘shout out to people who help me with really simply things because i’m an idiot’
  • ‘stop calling me valid you fucks i’m here to die’
  • ‘im what the kids call sleep deprived’
Thoughts on Orange is the New Black finale

SO I CRIED (spoilers below)

  • Wow, I mean WOW. First off, this season was a little sluggish to get through, so it took me 3 days instead of 1 or 2 to get through. But that’s really it huh? I disliked it for many reasons, but the ending was bittersweet and not bad. It wasn’t 100% happy, but it’s not supposed to be. It was realistic. I’ve been watching this show since middle school at an age when I was shocked at the sight of a woman’s breasts and had to mute every sex scene and now I stand as a proud gay brown woman and I am so happy to know oitnb was probably one of the reasons.  
  • First off, Piper’s character- while she is the main character, I have never loved her. In fact, I LOVED Zelda this season, the one person who accepted her for who she was and was so genuine, so I was disappointed. However, the whole Chapman/Vause thing has been a one constant thing throughout the show, and their love for each other through everything constantly surprised me. I’m just glad that Piper is using her life for good, going to law school and building a life for herself.
  • Alex’s character was one of my favorites, she’s always been badass and realistic, SO out of Piper’s league. I’m just glad she ended up with people from Litchfield in Ohio like Norma, Yoga Jones (who will always be kind to newbies and tell them what a mandala is), and BIG BOO! Glad she’s getting out in only 3 years. 
  • Other characters they ended with- those at another prison like the runner, the “Asian”,  even Pennsatucky’s gals. Even the appearance of Chang in ICE, though ICE, was funny. 
  • Pennsatucky’s death shook me. I would’ve never guessed in a million years she would die. I truly thought she would survive, and never guessed she would be in a body bag. YOU’RE TELLING ME she passed the GED? The FUCK. So sad. Who knew she would go from being one of the most annoying characters who we hoped to die to being one of the most genuine, loving and loveable characters, who deserved so much more. She had been sober, and she died. It was terrible, but I’m just glad her character development was not left out of the works over the course of the past 7 seasons.
  • Crazy Eyes Suzanne, she is crazy but I love her. Same with Lolly. I think she was portrayed SO WELL by Uzo Aduba over the past 7 seasons, she truly made every subplot better. 
  • Nicky Nichols. I would DIE for her. It was so sad, that she really lost the two people closest to her. Red to dementia/alzheimer’s, and Lorna to shock. Always loved the mother/daughter relationship between her and Red, and it was so sad when she had to say goodbye to both of them, including Lorna who she just knew she couldn’t take care of anymore. Idk how long her sentence is, but she LITERALLY BECAME Red! With her lipstick, in charge of the kitchen staff, helping junkies become sober. She is a good person, and I like how they ended her story for the better, even if Red and Lorna were a lost cause.
  • Shani hit close to home for no reason, maybe just the single flashback that her own family wouldn’t care if something happened to her for being gay. The letter she wrote to Nichols made me die a little inside, but I believe it gave Nichols as much of a reason to continue as it gave Shani. I’m glad they talked about her background.
  • Speaking of, FUCK ICE. Wow, I was furious. I mean, they made it one of the major plotlines of this seasons, and I’m glad they did. They talked about those seeking asylum, coyotes, and detention centers, including talking to FUCKIN CHILDREN about this shit. America is fucked up, and I’m glad they made it such a big deal. Like what happened to Karla, was just heartbreaking. She was left for dead on her way back to the states, and honestly? It’s the terrifyingly inhumane truth. People are DYING everyday because of this, and I don’t think people who are privileged like us even realize what dangerous journeys people go on to come here to escape the terrible inhumane conditions of other countries, just to be turned back and spit on. The court scene with children was a reminder that the American law takes pity on nobody, and is disgusting.
  • I loved Natalie Figueroa this season. I mean her and Joe Caputo are both GOOD DECENT human beings. Her helping a woman who was raped with an abortion, being disgusted by ICE, shows how every person should be. Their relationship was too cute and I’m so glad they decided to adopt. I want them to be my parents lmao
  • Warden Ward was a decent person too, and she tried her damn best. She helped the women, punished those that deserved to be punished (looking at Luschek), and wanted to make prison a place of rehabilitation. This is what prison should be, not disgusting abuse. 
  • Taystee- man she made me cry. Her acting, was brilliant. I really did think she would take her own life. Even that flashback with Poussey bro, killed me. I am so glad she did good for others, whether it was tutoring or starting that fund. Her relationship with Joe Caputo was another good one. Her role was so relevant since season 5 when Poussey passed, and I am just so glad they established a real life fund. The end to her character was a good one, though we don’t know if she got justice or not, she used her life for good.
  • Black Cindy, her character arc was sort of weird, especially since she betrayed Taystee. But it was realistic, to say the least, with her being homeless yet trying her best. I’m glad that she ended up mending things with her mom and daughter, showing that family is family after all.
  • Wow, Maritza’s story was shocking as well, and they just left with her being deported. It broke me a little, especially knowing that Diane Guerrero’s parents irl were deported and she has been vocal about it. Again, the stories about ICE was REALISTIC. The whole Hindu/Muslim Beef/Pork thing was so minor yet hit close to home. It just is scarring to think it is happening to our own people. 
  • I’m glad Flaca is doing something similar to Nichols, by carrying on what Gloria did and helping those at ICE. 
  • Blanca was a bigger role since last season, and it was shocking that though others were not successful, she got her green card and still decided to be with her loved one. It’s crazy. 
  • Gloria Mendoza was one of the best and most decent people from the beginning, and I’m so glad to see she was released and happy again. People like her and Sophia Burset who were shown happy in real life, deserve the best. It shows that not everybody has a sad ending. I’m so glad she didn’t get more time, and instead lived happily. 
  • People like Maria Ruiz who are trying to reform themselves to be better people in prison also made me happy. 
  • Somehow, pornstache with Daya’s baby made me happy, guess he did change. I replayed that scene a bunch of times because I couldn’t believe the reappearance, really thought it was Larry. I guess I’m glad they showed that.
  • Daya was one of those characters who was gone, in the way that it was bad and there was no point of return. In a way, though Aleida was hella annoying, her doing everything for her children so they never turn out like her in the end was a very good way to sum up her and Daya’s storyline, as it had been ongoing for the past 7 seasons. Who knows what happened to Daya, but it basically ended the storyline of this mother-daughter family duo. 
  • I’m just sad about Red and Lorna. Idk what to say really, especially about Lorna never reverting back. She was too sweet, but she must’ve always been crazy from shock based on her flashback. Her and Red ended up together, crazy together, but I guess that isn’t a bad thing. 

This show’s ending is like Orphan Black’s ending to me. I don’t know why or where I came upon this show after season 1 had come out and season 2 was about to or had just come out in 2014. All I know is, I’m glad I came by it, it helped me figure out myself and this world for what it is. Thank you to this show for helping so many people, and I hope the Poussey Washington fund truly helps more people in the years to come. Orange Forever.

After the Netflix Bleach Live Action

…I’m disappointed at myself.

Yes I watched it and for 1 hour and 40+minutes I reveled in the adaptation of the best parts of the series.   But after that, I am once again left with a bitter taste in my mouth.

I’m an IchiRuki shipper.  I stopped following the manga somewhere in the middle of the HM arc because I got tired of the stare-fests and power-ups coming from nowhere.   I kept tabs with the series through the eyes of fellow IchiRuki fans who were constantly optimistic about the franchise and the ship.   Imagine my great surprise and disappointment, when I read about the ending of Bleach - and the supposed rationalization given by it’s author.

When they announced the Bleach live action movie, I scoffed at it.   It’s been years now and I’ve seen ‘shinigami’ adaptations in other popular Korean shows namely Goblin and Along with the Gods which are better than Kubo’s Bleach.   The production of the Bleach movie is weak compared to those.  I applaud the casting for Ichigo, Rukia and Ishida.   I understand why they had to trim down Ichigo’s ‘bad boy’ persona for a more diverse audience.  I am glad that Ishida isn’t flopping around and his actor is gorgeous!  I LOVE how classically beautiful, Rukia is - a traditional Japanese beauty (not bent on being too ‘white’).   And IchiRuki…once again we are reminded what Bleach is all about.

I am disappointed because I watched and because of that I inadvertently gave Tite Kubo profit.   I was going to watch with my husband, who used to watch the Bleach anime with me, but I decided against it because no more clicks for Kubo from me.

We live in an age where fans and content creators can be at war with each other.  I’ve seen that in some of the stuff I now follow after I buried my Bleach fandom away.   I understand the need for content creators to be creative to take risks to make the series fresh.   But Kubo did none of that.

What I am about to say is speculation of course…but Kubo raged against SJ for making his series long (to keep up with the other big 2 Naruto & One Piece).  Kubo raged against his own fans/readers who constantly put Orihime down on the popularity list despite him pushing her tits and ass in manga panels.  Kubo raged against himself and the characters he created, losing sight of what a ‘shinigami’ is and making Ichigo into the next Goku of power-ups (heck even Dragon Ball Super makes more sense than Bleach ever did)

And I feel slighted over that.   I devoted time to this series.  And I can’t help feel that it’s my fault for even liking it in the first place, remaining optimistic and didn’t see the trash it became specially after the constant IchiRuki baiting in colored pages/calendars what not.   Kubo intentionally baited IchiRuki to keep people interested because he now claims he had IchiOri all along (which is utter bull and IR fans have receipts).  He used the fans love for IchiRuki to kept his series going…always making Rukia into some kind of surprise only to cast her aside in the end. (And I’m not even talking about ships here).  

Ichigo can go marry his ‘mother’ look alike which is seriously creepier than whatever Shinji felt for Rei in Neon Genesis Evangelion…and now I can’t help but wonder what Isshin thinks when he see’s his daughter-in-law…

I hate it that I feel like this.   I don’t want to rain down on the IchiRuki fandom but I wonder if I’m the only one who feels like this.  I felt so betrayed by Kubo.  I hope that Netflix doesn’t bother making the other arcs.   Ugh…


  • Ahk: Leo always wanted to have babies. He's very caring and very good with kids. So now that we are back together and the world changed so much, I was thinking that I could surprise him wi-
  • Larry: You can't buy a baby on Ebay.
  • Ahk, clearly disappointed: Oh...

- got myself a sound designer for my grad film which makes everything…….terrifyingly real
- like so far i’ve just been drawing backgrounds and ticking ‘em off on a sheet and focussing shot by shot… but the idea of producing an actual Finished Film is still a little too much for me to compute and now i have someone else on board who i have somehow convinced and will have to continue convincing that my project is Worth It which is.. u know…. daunting 
- anyway i’ve finished the first season of stark trek TOS and i don’t know how it happened but i can’t… stop talking about it…. 
- somewhere smo is laughing
-  i am also watching voltron. like eight people have sent me messages about it and theres good fanart so i am Doing That 
- it’s cute, i like pidge to Absolutely No One’s surprise. the lion thing is dumb but i get that it’s a kids show and transformers were never my thing so i’ll let it go on bias.
- (as usual i am still bored and disappointed by the lack of female protags in shows tumblr recs me. can we do better guys)
- “hey sas how do you have time to binge watch so much shit when you are constantly complaining about doing nothing but working on your final film?”
- well, dear listeners, in order to get me through the self-imposed monotony that is drawing hundreds and hundreds of trees over and over again because i decided to set this four minute long thing in a fucking forest, i need Distraction and gays in space facilitate that 
- actually it turns out i need media to get me through all of life’s essentials: through all this my body is running mostly on a combination of raisin toast, mints, and the occasional piece of fruit katherine stuffs in my bag in the morning, and is thus deteriorating. so i’ve downloaded both zombies run and pokemon go in the hopes that they might get me moving my limbs every now and then 
- so far it’s mostly just been risking my life as i cross roads trying to catch pidgies so mixed results but will keep you posted
- anyway i hope everyone’s well. it’s now been over a year since i last went through my inbox in a thorough manner. i am sorry, i’m a mess. but i hope you’re well 👍👍👍