i am completely satisfied with life right now

10 years, 10 goals tag

Write down 10 goals you have to accomplish in next 10 years, then tag 10 people!

I was tagged by the lovely @tournexsol

Sooo in the coming 10 years, I’ll be 25 *gasps* and my goals are :

1) Be a successful doctor /doc intern (well, at least get selected in one of the best med colleges)

2) Visit Paris and Japan, 2 of my favourite destinations to see since forever

3) Be happy and satisfied with my current lifestyle

4) Attend at least one concert in my life?

5) (successfully/failingly doesn’t matter) Write a complete book which I’m happy with. And probs get it published?

6) Be fitter and healthier than the potato that I am right now smh

7) Make a super nice, best af friend who’ll stay w/ me forever (like I want those BFF goals okay)

8) Be fluent in at least 2 new languages apart from what I’m learning rn

9) Be able to buy my mom smthn with my own money? Like smthn nice not those cheap ass cards srry

10) Have the ability to face tough times and willingness to prosper in future! Work my lazy ass off hard

I tag @zuzastudy @untilicomehome @vanandlife @emmastudies @rhubarbstudies @thestudyfox @taylorswift @studyquill @fourleafclover6813 @lynnsstudycorner

I felt an immense sense of satisfaction when a mother came up to me towards the end of last year in town and told me that my blog about acne had helped her daughter- sharing my experiences on here, and knowing that they actually help people, is something that I am so happy about; I hope that people realise from these posts that I am a completely normal teenage, who struggles equally with teenage problems… I just happened to have an unusual job.

I wanted to talk about something that isn’t something I am confident about- in fact, nobody knows this… not my band mates, not my best friends from home… and not even my family. I am so lucky to have the opportunities of being in a band; I get to travel the world with my best friends, and we have the absolute BEST fans in the world. I have loving parents, who support my every adventure, even when they don’t agree with my decisions. I have loyal friends who have stuck with me since I was 4 years old; whether it was riding my bike, or picking up a guitar and wanting to cover ‘The White Stripes’, friends like Adam have always been there for me.

Being in The Vamps has already given me incredible experiences- I have met some of the most amazing people in the world and seen some remarkable places. I’ve met people like my manager, Joe, and our camera man, Dean; two guys who I honestly call best friends and hope to know for the rest of our lives. Seeing Brad develop from a school boy from Sutton Coldfield into an amazing young adult has given me an enormous sense of pride; he’s come so far. It’s the same with Tristan and Connor… Connor actually speaks now ;)

What I am trying to say is that I can honestly say that my life right now is what I’ve always wanted- ever since I picked up a guitar at age 12 after watching videos of Good Charlotte.

However, whilst one may presume that with these incredible opportunities, only positive thinking occurs, think again. I don’t really know what I am talking about here at all… and that’s because I haven’t even learnt to deal with this yet completely.

What I mean is, I struggle to maintain a positive outlook on life- I go through stages relatively frequently of feeling prolonged lowness. Throughout these moments, I am never satisfied; I fail to see how amazing everything is around me, and just get home sick. I push my band mates and fans away from me, worry about the tiniest things and pretty much stress about everything. Whether it’s worrying about what time I will be eating in the evening, or panicking when we are running 10 minutes late in the morning, I fall into a weird mood where nothing seems to be 'going right’. This is something that I’ve been dealing with for the past year seriously I would say.

I would spend literally hours on twitter reading every single tweet, it was almost like I was purposely looking for any hate I might have received. The truth is I bypassed all the love I was being sent by fans, because I wasn’t feeling positive about anything…

I’m not sure if what I feel is something that others have gone through, or are going through now.. but I know that IT IS NOT HEALTHY.

It was towards the end of last year that I realised I had to do something about this- I was pushing my family, band mates and even fans away from me- the people closest to me, who are here for me became people who I was, for some reason, frustrated with for no reason. They hadn’t done anything, but in my mind I didn’t want to spend time with anybody else… I wanted to be on my own, in my own space forever.

Basically, the coming on the New Year has given me an opportunity: and opportunity to change how I view life. In truth, life IS short… you don’t know what’s going to happen in your life… it sounds crazy but bizarre things happen and there’s simply just not enough time to fall out with people and be permanently negative throughout life- if you don’t make the most of the time with your parents and friends now then you’re going to regret it in later life, or when they’ve gone. One thing I’ve discovered is you can’t dwell on the negative, or in the past. The future is genuinely something you can mould for yourself- if you’ve fallen out with people, most of the time you CAN make it right if you really want to… You just need to be the bigger person and actively seek to make bridges with people you’ve strayed from. I’m not saying that’s easy at all by the way.. because it’s not at all… but that leads me onto another thing…

STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE… you’ll never truly achieve greater things if you stay 'comfortable’. I have discovered this relatively recently.. whether it’s volunteering to cook on 'Sunday Brunch’, or having a go at speaking on radio interviews, giving something new a go is rewarding- you realise that you CAN do things you never thought you could.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being optimistic all the time isn’t easy… it’s normal to have stages where you’re feeling low… but it’s important in these times to reflect on your surroundings; view these periods as opportunities- it’s totally in your hands to achieve and succeed.. nobody else can do that for you. This is something I have recently discovered, and something that I hope will continue to help me when I am feeling isolated and despondent.

They say, you just have to patiently wait for someone or for the right one to come on the right time. Fine. I’ll be satisfied being human—limited and clueless. Who knows the beginning or end?

But I just wonder…

Where in the world are you right now? Have we met? Are you one of the close people in my life? or are you that stranger i bumped in to the last time i was in the mall? Where are you? I’m not often after the face but are you chinky-eyed? Got many more questions to ask but the thing is, I still dont know you my man. And I am compelled to completely trust and commit my heart to the Omniscient one. But I have this against you: It’s painful and a HARD DISCIPLINE to wait around, you know!? There are uprisings of TEMPTATION, loneliness, fear and confusion, mistaking that there’s no one out there who’s destined for me. Sorry for disappointing you. For taking things lightly. Forgive my weaknesses. Now I am too guilty of all of these, results of the FLESH and my OLD NATURE. But whatever it is, or how long it will take, i will be here patiently waiting. And i hope you understand that i want to take things slow. Maybe, the right time will come for the two of us to meet, and i hope when that day comes we’re both prepared and matured enough to handle things.

I hope i’m worth all the effort in the end but i am afraid that maybe i’m not. But i know, the first time i’ll see you, i’ll look closely into your eyes and whisper “i’ll marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him” Forgive me for being so mushy and sweet. I’m clingy and easily get jealous but please don’t misconstrue it as me tying you down, that’s just me and i am just being true to myself and i will never deny that. I’m insecure, and it’s not because of you, When I say something a little negative about myself, it’s not a cry for attention nor is it me wanting you to disagree with me, It’s me just being me and you have to deal with that, i guess. I’ll possess many faults, i have a lot of mistakes in life, i have my flaws and scars. I am not perfect and definitely not your dream girl. But don’t you worry, that will never make me love you less. I assure you, i will love you with all my heart. I’ll love you more than I love myself and I know that isn’t too great but that’s just how I am. Because the moment i give my heart to the one i love, i am making sure i’ll love them as a whole not just because of the good things they posses.

If you’re still reading this letter, i am just wondering where are you now? Are you on the couch, feeling comfortable reading this letter or are you lying in your bed while thinking if this letter is for you. Just wondering, if you felt that, when your heart skip a beat the moment you read this letter. But don’t you worry, i am not imagining how do you look, i might creep you out. But wherever you are right now or whatever you’re doing, i want you to know that i am thinking of you and i hope you had your meal already and always remember that, i am praying for you, always.

So please my man, always take care of yourself while i’m not there yet to take care of you and don’t you worry about me, i am always taking care of myself for you cause i know we still have a lot of plans to do when we met. You still have to marry me right? But for now, wherever you are, whoever you are my man, just to let you know, i am patiently waiting for you.

—  a letter to my future lover // JC