i am completely satisfied with life right now

They say, you just have to patiently wait for someone or for the right one to come on the right time. Fine. I’ll be satisfied being human—limited and clueless. Who knows the beginning or end?

But I just wonder…

Where in the world are you right now? Have we met? Are you one of the close people in my life? or are you that stranger i bumped in to the last time i was in the mall? Where are you? I’m not often after the face but are you chinky-eyed? Got many more questions to ask but the thing is, I still dont know you my man. And I am compelled to completely trust and commit my heart to the Omniscient one. But I have this against you: It’s painful and a HARD DISCIPLINE to wait around, you know!? There are uprisings of TEMPTATION, loneliness, fear and confusion, mistaking that there’s no one out there who’s destined for me. Sorry for disappointing you. For taking things lightly. Forgive my weaknesses. Now I am too guilty of all of these, results of the FLESH and my OLD NATURE. But whatever it is, or how long it will take, i will be here patiently waiting. And i hope you understand that i want to take things slow. Maybe, the right time will come for the two of us to meet, and i hope when that day comes we’re both prepared and matured enough to handle things.

I hope i’m worth all the effort in the end but i am afraid that maybe i’m not. But i know, the first time i’ll see you, i’ll look closely into your eyes and whisper “i’ll marry this man and spend the rest of my life with him” Forgive me for being so mushy and sweet. I’m clingy and easily get jealous but please don’t misconstrue it as me tying you down, that’s just me and i am just being true to myself and i will never deny that. I’m insecure, and it’s not because of you, When I say something a little negative about myself, it’s not a cry for attention nor is it me wanting you to disagree with me, It’s me just being me and you have to deal with that, i guess. I’ll possess many faults, i have a lot of mistakes in life, i have my flaws and scars. I am not perfect and definitely not your dream girl. But don’t you worry, that will never make me love you less. I assure you, i will love you with all my heart. I’ll love you more than I love myself and I know that isn’t too great but that’s just how I am. Because the moment i give my heart to the one i love, i am making sure i’ll love them as a whole not just because of the good things they posses.

If you’re still reading this letter, i am just wondering where are you now? Are you on the couch, feeling comfortable reading this letter or are you lying in your bed while thinking if this letter is for you. Just wondering, if you felt that, when your heart skip a beat the moment you read this letter. But don’t you worry, i am not imagining how do you look, i might creep you out. But wherever you are right now or whatever you’re doing, i want you to know that i am thinking of you and i hope you had your meal already and always remember that, i am praying for you, always.

So please my man, always take care of yourself while i’m not there yet to take care of you and don’t you worry about me, i am always taking care of myself for you cause i know we still have a lot of plans to do when we met. You still have to marry me right? But for now, wherever you are, whoever you are my man, just to let you know, i am patiently waiting for you.

—  a letter to my future lover // JC