i am catastrophically in love with you

The signs as song lyrics I've written

Aries:
Never been in a fight but I want to fight
Fight a bitch at night
The dark is cool
Fuck school
Wanna destroy everything
Including you

Taurus:
Just woke up messy hair
Attitude I don’t care
Should i even get up and start the day
Does it matter if i do shit anyway

Gemini:
Thought, thought, thought,
I thought if I thought a lot
Maybe my thoughts could learn to stop
I feel my brain beginning to rot
They are so fucking loud
Overcrowd
All around
Up and down
I’m starting to look like a fucking clown

Cancer:
What am I feeling right now?
I feel like a drifting cloud
Full of storm water
Today rain is all I’ve got to offer
What’s wrong with me?
Changing tides like the sea
I can be a deadly storm
A catastrophe
Or calm and cool, my bottom lurking with things unseen

Leo:
I love the way you fuck me 
Baby this is how you want me, thirsty 
I beg love me love me 
Love me more than i love you 
At night i feel so ugly

Virgo:
But not you, youre alive not dead
I hear all the voices that go on it your head
They never calm but you find peace in them
Taking their words of wisdom
They sing inside your lovely mind
You hum along, intertwined

Libra:
I’m sitting in front of the man of my dreams
Love his dick, give me that cream
His face is amazing, it makes me want to sing
His voice is as lovely spring

Scorpio:
Sometimes I think I see god
But then I open my eyes and it’s the same shit all around
Breath in the toxins of a cigarette
It’s all I got sometimes, wanna drown out the sound
Talk to a few and that’s fun
But real quick im done

Sagittarius:
If I could see your soul, I’m sure it’d be a work of art
Like a painting on a canvas, painted by the heart
You know you’re a masterpiece
A genius in disguise
I wish I could see what you see through your eyes

Capricorn:
If there’s one last thing
I gotta sing
it’s that there’s no possibly
Just possible I am the unstoppable
Incomparable hear these words and know it’s me
I do not go unseen
(This one’s written by my boyfriend)

Aquarius:
I’m so tired everyday
I want life to be so extraordinary that more than half the time I wouldnt know what to feel or say
Wheres my burning passion?
Melancholy, my minds gray.
Why care when you feel useless why give a fuck, this world is strange

Pisces:
You got me and you got me down for you and you only
Baby, look at me, I want you to be the one to own me
Devil or angel, you’re my sweet, lovely baby.
Tell me angel, have you looked in a mirror lately?

I hated you so much that I forgot about your good qualities. I forgot you even had good qualities. So when you came up to me, eagerness filling what awkward tension I’d created, I turned toward the other direction and gestured for you to follow me. Small talk became our normal, until you asked how sick I was, while you folded me into a hug and within a matter of half a second it hit me, this is what I’ve been missing out on. That void you created two years ago disappeared, and in replacement heartbreak took its place. Your hug didn’t convey sexual desire or wanting something more, but instead an undying passion and a need for the one person who truly knows you to stay. And I guess that’s what I’ve been needing, because you are the first in such a long time to comfort me with actions instead of words, the first to tighten your grasp around my waist instead on letting go when I started to get comfortable. The crease in your neck feels like home, a place where only you and I can escape. I"m not going to give you an “I love you” or “I want you back” because that’s far from how I feel, but I will say this: The moment you walked back in, the moment I started feeling the way I should. You’re far from what I want, but you know what I need. Denial had taken a place within my undeveloped mind for so long yet when it slipped away, the sudden realisation came to me that maybe you do know me better than I know myself, like you’d always exclaimed to me in moments of pure sadness. I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing, or whether I should be happy or not, and this may be the last time I write about you but please don’t leave. You’ve destroyed me in a matter of seconds, but you also know how to rebuild me. I am a mental catastrophe, a psychedelic mess, and I can’t bare people leaving anymore. Not when I have no one left.

You know that feeling at the end of the day, when the anxiety of that-which-I-must-do falls away and, for maybe the first time that day, you see, with some clarity, the people you love and the ways you have, during that day, slightly ignored them, turned away from them to get back to what you were doing, blurted out some mildly hurtful thing, projected, instead of the deep love you really feel, a surge of defensiveness or self-protection or suspicion? That moment when you think, Oh God, what have I done with this day? And what am I doing with my life? And how must I change to avoid catastrophic end-of-life regrets?

I feel like that now: tired of the Me I’ve always been, tired of making the same mistakes, repetitively stumbling after the same small ego strokes, being caught in the same loops of anxiety and defensiveness. At the end of my life, I know I won’t be wishing I’d held more back, been less effusive, more often stood on ceremony, forgiven less, spent more days oblivious to the secret wishes and fears of the people around me…

—  George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

° ✧ CROOKED KINGDOM PROMPTS.

❛ I would have come for you. ❜
❛ If I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you. ❜
❛ No matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together. ❜
❛ We never stop fighting. ❜
❛ Maybe there were people who lived those lives. ❜
❛ But what about the rest of us? ❜
❛ What about the nobody’s and the nothings, the invisible girls/boys? ❜
❛ We learn to hold our heads as if we wear crowns. ❜
❛ We learn to wring magic from the ordinary. ❜
❛ When the world owed you nothing, you demanded something from it anyway. ❜
❛ Fear is a phoenix, you can watch it burn a thousand times but still it will return. ❜
❛ This is where you tell us how awful we are. ❜
❛ I am grateful you’re alive. ❜
❛ Lets not say things we don’t mean, my love. ❜
❛ Crows remember human faces. ❜
❛ How many times have you told me you’re a monster? ❜
❛ Be the thing they all fear. ❜
❛ I needed a catastrophe to shake me from the life I knew. ❜
❛ You were an earthquake, a landslide. ❜
❛ You’re a stampede. You are overwhelming. ❜
❛ I don’t hold a grudge. I cradle it. ❜
❛ People point guns at each other all the time in ______. ❜
❛ This action will have no echo. ❜
❛ Live with it long enough, you learn to like the taste. ❜
❛ They all seem like practical choices. ❜
❛ You don’t look like a monster. ❜
❛ The really bad monsters never look like monsters. ❜
❛ I have been made to protect you. ❜
❛ Even in death, I will find a way. ❜
❛ Do you really have a flying ship? ❜
❛ You probably bartered your way out of the womb. ❜
❛ They think they’d better cross the street. ❜
❛ You’re not weak because you can’t read. ❜
❛ You’re letting shame decide who you are. ❜
❛ Now, what do they think when they see me coming? ❜
❛ You’re weak because you’re afraid of people seeing your weakness. ❜
❛ Thought of me? Late at night? What was I wearing? ❜
❛ I’ve thought about your powers. ❜
❛ You can only sharpen a blade so far. ❜
❛ They don’t know what we’ve done. ❜
❛ So let’s go show them they picked the wrong damn fight. ❜
❛ Why do you guys say that, anyway? ❜
❛ We like to keep our expectations low. ❜
❛ Why not just say good luck or be safe? ❜
❛ I really hope we don’t die. ❜
❛ I’ve been nothing but kind to you. ❜
❛ I’m not some sort of monster. ❜
❛ At least a monster has teeth and a spine. ❜
❛ Sometimes, the only way to get justice is to take it for yourself. ❜
❛ This culture is disgusting. ❜
❛ Now that sounds like a party. ❜
❛ How about I bite your lip? ❜
❛ We can endure all kinds of pain. ❜
❛ How about I push you in the canal and we see if you know how to swim? ❜
❛ I don’t like speculation. ❜
❛ When fear arrives, something is about to happen. ❜
❛ You are in so much trouble. ❜
❛ I just raised the dead. Do you really want to argue with me? ❜

i.
it’s both inconvenient and incredible that I only know how to write about you in motion. suspended somewhere between the chicago and buffalo airports, I can’t guess where I was as the blue ink smeared itself all over my right hand and the pounding in my skull became more than an annoyance. I think that’s fitting.

ii.
you mentioned once that you dreamed of traveling, taking a plane not going to buffalo or chicago but to a place I can’t pronounce. I think that’s fitting too. I suppose I’m really only able to write about you in motion because when I close my eyes you are never in one place. you’re blurred. driving your white car down that dark road, speeding until I could see myself dying and not caring one bit. nudging a book across a table with scarred palms. eyes that would dart from my cheek to the floor, from my hands to the door.

iii.
if we’re being honest and sincere like I’m trying to be, I’ve yet to discover where in this endlessly rotating cycle I have the means to love you. right here, I don’t. not in the catastrophic way I know that I could. but, at the same time, too many of my atoms have invested themselves into waiting for you than to give up on sunflowers and being more than that girl from the spring before everything changed.

iv.
granted, I’m also positive that there’s more than simply empty space between point a and point b, but neither of us are naive enough to dive into something so hopelessly uncharted. actually, maybe I am. maybe I shouldn’t be.

v.
all I really know is that every night, around 3:30am, I wake up with my palm pressed gently into the area connecting my neck to my shoulder blade. this, this is where we exist. this is where I try to find you.
—  neither here nor there - Caitlin Conlon
boyfriend!hwang minhyun
  • knitted sweaters
  • him teasing you
  • and having the cutest laughter ever
  • towering over you
  • mh: “you can’t reach the highest shelf?”
  • pouts
  • tells seonho that it’s tiring to receive so much love from him
  • but loves you exactly how seonho loves him
  • baking together
  • the cupcakes end up burnt
  • the both of you are still happy because the dorm hasn’t caught on fire
  • minhyun tries to the best of his ability to decorate you a cupcake with your name and adds hearts all over
  • the cupcake ends up looking like a catastrophe but it’s too adorable you melt
  • then minhyun freaks out because he is such a clean freak and you accidentally dripped icing everywhere
  • glares at you “you are lucky i love you!!!!!”
  • 12 am chicken dates at your house and ren tags along
  • [good luck for your interview today!!!! fighting :*]
  • and he sends you a voice mail of him singing to cheer you on
  • you smile so widely and the day starts off right
  • you surprise him at the dorm with his favorite food (beef stew)
  • he hugs you so tightly and doesn’t let you go
  • “minhyun the food is getting cold11!!!!!!”
  • is actually a great listener and very mature when it comes to you confiding in him
  • other than that he acts like a giant puppy 24/7
  • but doesn’t want to admit
  • “i’m cold, hug meeeeeeeeeeee”
  • rubs his hands together then proceeds to hold your hand to keep your hands warm
  • sings in the shower and you are in awe because he sounds perfect
  • forces you to watch Transformers with him
  • you tease him by calling him optimushwang lulululul
  • “yah!!!”
  • keeps saying how cute his niece is and spams your phone with her pictures
  • [mh: let’s have a cute kid together next time, y/n~~~]
  • [who said i was marrying you :p hehe]
  • [mh: fine!!!!11 hmph don’t talk to me anymore]
  • [also mh: WHY ARE yOU NOT REPLYING PLEASE COME BACK]
  • selfies with snow filters
  • the both of you end up spending the whole day playing with snow filters like how???????
  • funny english pronunciation that cracks you up but it’s ok he’s just a cutie pie
  • “wHy arE yoU….”
  • mh in korean: “wait what’s laughing in english???????”
  • the both of you end up laughing so much your cheek bones ache
  • his smile is blinding
  • the type to spam your phone with his selfies when you are sleeping
  • also take pictures of you sleeping because too cute!!!11!!!!! his adorable bb
  • you are always happy when you are with him
  • “you are the best boyfriend ever minhyun" n_n
  • and you 100% mean what you say because he loves you whole heartedly
  • the both of you are just smol happy precious beans so arguments rarely occur but when it does,,,,,,,,
  • he is passive aggressive in arguments
  • threads his fingers in his hair in frustration
  • mh: “look that’s not what i am saying”
  • mh: “you know what”
  • mh: “let’s give each other some space”
  • minhyun ends up tossing and turning in bed because he made you cry
  • [mh @3am: i’m sorry y/n… my heart hurts when i see you cry]
  • sniffles  [you @3.01am BECAUSE HOW COULD YOU FALL ASLEEP: i’m sorry too. let’s not quarrel ever again T_T]
  • the next day minhyun comes over with a cute soft toy he won at the claw machine on the way to your house as an apology gift
  • you hug it to sleep every night
  • and minhyun hugs you
  • overall, you really really reaaaaaally love minhyun
  • and he loves you a lot too

__________

find a date at the amusement park with boyfriend! hwang minhyun here

my first ever scenario posted here (・´з`・) feel free to request for any kind of AUs!!! i’ll write for the produce 101 boys top 20 because i know them better n_n

take care and thank you for reading!

there on a balcony in summer air

LOL I CANT COPE WITH SADNESS SO OBVIOUSLY I WROTE UTTERLY MEANINGLESS JAKE AND AMY WEDDING FLUFF INSTEAD OF ANYTHING USEFUL

TITLES FROM TAYLOR SWIFT, DAN GOOR CAN FIGHT ME PERSONALLY, I HOPE THIS SOOTHES EVERYONES SOULS A BIT LIKE IT SORT OF DID MINE

shoutout to @parlegee for proofreading, ur the number one

Considering how much the general universe seems to specifically have it out to ruin his life, Jake thinks that he’s been having a pretty amazing day so far.

Of course, it is his wedding day, so it’s inherently supposed to be a good one, unless he’s the generic fiance from all those rom coms who isn’t right for spunky Jennifer Garner and Matthew McConaughey is scheduled to burst through the doors roughly three hours ago yelling I object. Jake’s pretty sure that that movie doesn’t actually exist, but the concept of it is kind of terrifying, because what if he is Random Wrong Fiance No. 23, except instead of Matthew McConaughey ruining things, the ceiling falls in, or Amy gets abducted by aliens. Or worst, Charles gets abducted by aliens. Or even worst, Gina’s baby gets abducted by aliens.

That would definitely be the worst of all, Jake thinks, because Gina would never let any of them forget that her progeny was probably the youngest person ever to do space travel.

Jake’s point, he thinks, getting back on topic – he should really be concentrating on his dancing, because he and Amy nearly just crashed into Holt and his mom, which, wow, that’s making him emotional, look at the ceiling, Jake – God, anyways. There’s gotta be a rule, somewhere, is what Jake’s trying to say. A rule, somewhere in the universe, right, that wedding days are off limits for terrible awful no-good bad stuff to happen. If it’s not a rule already, he’s making it a rule.

Or like, maybe Amy could make it a rule, because she’s a Sergeant now, so she has more authority than him.

Something – something like that.

That being said, it’s not like the universe hasn’t tried to derail this monumentous occasion (yes Amy, monumentous is a word, I didn’t mean monumental, I looked it up on the dictionary app – yes a reliable one, no, my voice is not cracking like it does when I’m telling a lie –)

It’s not like there haven’t already been some hardcore attempts at day-derailing, is all he’s saying, so maybe the rule thing is just wishful thinking on Jake’s part. Thus far, from eight forty-two this morning all the way until exactly two minutes ago when Charles burst into tears over the remains of the wedding cake again, approximately five near-catastrophes have occurred. At least five. If not more. Jake can’t remember if there were more or less, so he makes a mental list, just to be sure.

Keep reading

Let the record reflect

I am high-key ecstatic that Clarke is finally expending her time and love and affection on a canon sexual partner who actually deserves it. Someone who is not only kind, smart, brave and beautiful, but doesn’t expect anything from her and has never not once let her down. Literally never, even when you wouldn’t blame her for telling Clarke to take a running jump

I have Bellarke shipper goggles welded into my eye sockets but even I can see that from Clarke’s POV the actual best thing she can do for Bellamy right now is ship him with support and unconditional friendship while he navigates the fallout from a catastrophic family breakdown and crippling guilt. He isn’t in the headspace for affection, let alone love and if I loved him like Clarke loves him (who am I kidding, I totally do) I would stay quietly by his side and let us both heal from our respective wounds before encroaching on anything further.

If I wasn’t Bellarke or die I would ship Clarke with Niylah forever.

(I got mega Gina vibes from 406 okay and I will forever love Gina and Niylah because when Bellamy and Clarke were lonely and lost Gina and Niylah were there for them #ripgina)

Tagging @verbam​ because I know you share my Niylarke feels :)

My life as an ISTJ

SUBMITTED by anonymous

(Gif: Mr. Norrell, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. ISTJ)

When I took the test,I was typed as an INFJ the first time and an ISFJ the second time but when I read the description,it never fit me so I kept looking.I came across realistic,objective descriptions of ISTJ and I knew that I found what I was searching for.

Introverted Sensing: My memories are extremely important.I would feel incomplete without them.One of my worst fear (along with losing my sanity and my mobility) is having Alzheimer’s. I trust my past experiences to know how to act in the present. My brain is so accustomed to compare the present to the past that I very often get a feeling of deja vu. Everything in my present have ties to the past : my hobbies are connected to the past ones (as a child,I loved Greek and Latin mythology. Now, I love mythology in general.)

I’m sentimental and I can be really nostalgic. My past made me who I am and shaped my personality.I can be stuck in the past and unable to let go past hurts,wounds,insults,bad experiences,grudges. I can also be resistant to change unless I am proved that it is beneficial. I enjoy my personal routines.It gives me a sense of stability and peace without which I can not live.

I don’t really see myself as traditionalist in the sense of “in the society you live in, it had always been this way so you will do it like this.” If that was the case,I would let the boys in my class be the boss. Marriage and having children would be an very important goal and I wouldn’t be a feminist and a self-identified demigirl and possibly demisexual and demiromantic.

I often get annoyed at people who want to force me to try new things. I know what I like and don’t like and I know I will not like it so why bother ?

My tastes are very specific and on the expensive side.I love anything that delight my senses in a quiet way : good food, chocolate, salty and spicy things, a fresh drink during a hot day,comfortable clothes,soft and high quality fabrics,walk barefoot on the cool floor,long and hot showers,
pleasant perfumes,sweetly scented candles, hygiene products that smell good, beautiful music, the sound of the rain, a lovely landscape, an elegant and refined decoration,the feeling of well-being you get after a long walk…

I am very attentive to my physical needs and very aware of my body’s reactions. I can’t understand how some people can completely forget their body and its needs. For me, it’s unthinkable. History is my favorite subject in school and I learn about it as much as possible by myself. I am fascinated by the history of a lot of countries (especially my own) and I enjoy connecting what happened in one specific country to the international situation during this period. I like visiting museums,watching historical documentaries and films,
reading books and using the internet to satisfy my thirst of knowledge. I deeply respect antiquities and relics.

I see the past as a source of knowledge and wisdom. History always repeats itself and we are fool if we think we can escape the past (Go see Fighting the Hate by MangaEngel on Deviantart. It’s crying the ugly truth no one wants to acknowledge.) I think we should look deeply in the past,see what had worked and where we have failed and use this information to build a better future. I’m tired of seeing each generation think that they will not repeat the mistakes of their elders and that in the end they still make the same mistakes.

My memory is good but selective.I easily remember useful information,
things that interest me or are stupid but I am very bad with people’s name and face.I often think about the past and I love analyzing it.

(Gif: Abbey from Sleepy Hollow. ISTJ.)

Extroverted Thinking: I love structure and organization. I want clear and precise rules,limits and instructions,and detailed explanations and advice. I want things to make sense and be organized and logical. I have high standards for myself and others and I expect effectiveness and competence. My patience for incompetence, foolishness and lack of maturity and responsibility is very thin. I become annoyed very easily if people can’t do their job correctly. Planning and organization are natural for me. The moment I wake up, I began to organize my day in my head. I dislike improvisation and not knowing what I will do. Despite the appearances,I procrastinate often. However, I never miss deadlines. I loathe being late.

I am a down to earth, practical, pragmatic, realistic and no-nonsense person. I’m blunt and straightforward on most things. I dislike it when people are not plainspoken. Tact and diplomacy are not my specialties. My common sense is solid and extremely present. I don’t want to be in the spotlight and I am not interested by being the boss but if I see that the leader does a poor job, I will take charge. The dependable stereotype is true and if I promised to do something,I will do it. I am repulsed by the idea of not keeping my promises.

Introverted Feeling: My feelings are deep and strong, and I have trouble understanding and controlling them but I hide it. I internalize everything. I am unable to talk about what I feel,which can be very unhealthy. I am extremely reserved and private. I fiercely protect my thoughts, feelings and private life. I am not very expressive and affectionate. I show my love and affection by doing things. I keep everything to myself and I almost never open up. If I confide to someone, I will only say a little and only talk about the situation, never my feelings themselves. I need time alone everyday to function. I like my space and I respect people’s space. I am not a physical person: physical contacts are rare to nonexistent depending of the person with me, and I always keep some distance between myself and others. I am sensitive and take everything seriously. I try to be more detached without much success.

I also have a romantic and dreamy side that very few people know about. I have a strong moral and ethical code. If I don’t respect my values, I feel extremely sick and guilty. I have quite a black and white vision of the world even if I am aware that grey is the dominant color. I dislike talking about my values but I am ready to defend them. That’s one of the only moments you will see me passionate and fierce. I am very independent and a lone wolf. I never tried to fit in group at school and never felt any desire to do so. I think in term of individual rather than group. I have a strong sense of identity and I will not change to please others (my grandmother asked me many time to be more feminine.I never changed. She also asked to my mother to get me and my sister baptized before herd death, we completely refused.) I have a live and let live attitude unless one of my deepest values is violate. My life is my business and people’s life are their business. Everybody has the right to live his/her life as they want. Besides, you don’t have to judge people. You’re not in their shoes. I am not good when feelings are involved. Consoling someone is hard for me and I suck at giving emotional advice and support. I don’t know how others see me. (I am just sure that I come across as aloof and reserved.)


Extroverted Intuition: On one side,this function makes me prone to catastrophe thinking and panic when things don’t go according to the plan. I am pessimistic and I always think the worst will happen. On the other side,it gives me an intense curiosity. I love analyzing things, try to see beyond the surface and compare what people say to the reality. I have various interest I want to pursue (sociology, psychology, parapsychology, mythology, history, symbolism,
religions, languages, foreign cultures… ).“Why” has been my question since I was little. Ne also helps me to accept change and alter my views on what I want from the future.

I am the girl after your greatest heartbreak, your great love. I am the girl you try to pretend to be good enough; the girl that will never really be enough. I am the girl who picks up the pieces I have no power to break. I am the girl that pretends to be naïve. I am the placeholder, the clean-up crew, the girl after the storm. I know I’m the one after the catastrophe, because I am not capable of being a beautiful disaster. I know my place in your life, you don’t have to deny it just because you don’t want to hurt me, it’s a little too late for that.
I am not her. I don’t want to be the one waiting for the storm to end. I don’t want to be the placeholder anymore, I want to be the one. I’m tired of being a hand to hold when yours searches for hers. I am done being someone to fill the void she left every time you miss her, especially when it happens constantly. I deserve more than this. I deserve to be loved the way you love her. So this is my goodbye. And even though it’s a letter addressed to you, it’s also a letter for me, because even though I’m the one leaving, I know I’ll be the one hurting. So when you read this letter, if you ever do, I hope you feel a little heartbreak. I hope you’d give me some sign that at least I still meant something to you, even if it isn’t much. I know I’m not the perfect storm, but I’m just hoping that somehow, I was still a calm drizzle.
—  a. gale, An unsent letter from the girl after the storm to her hurricane
Alive Because of You

Bucky x Reader 

Summary: Bucky has a nightmare that the reader is there to soothe

Word Count: 804 

Warnings: fluff + sad Bucky 

A/N: so I just really wanted to get something published tonight, and I got this idea from a few Marvel vine edits I saw. Enjoy <3 


 It’s one of those nights. 

The nights where I wake up at night to the bed shaking violently and painful yells coming from the body beside me. 

He’d had a nightmare, like he so often used to. It’s getting better, or at least, it was. But after all the experience I had soothing him, it isn’t difficult. But it never gets less heartbreaking. It never will. 

He never talks about his nightmares. Just jolts awake and lets me hold him. But as I come back from our bathroom with a glass of water, he’s sitting up with a distant look in his eyes, staring at the wall ahead of him. I put the cup down on his bedside table and crawl into the sheets, slipping my hands around his bare stomach and pressing the side of my head on his shoulder. My small size doesn’t allow me to engulf him in a hug like I want to do, but I know that it’s also exactly what he needs. His body heaves with his deep breaths. 

“I’m sorry.” he says hoarsely. I close my eyes in sadness. 

"Buck. Don’t.” I say softly, pulling away to look up at him. My fingers touch his chin to turn his face to me. His hooded eyes meet mine “I know there’s nothing I can say to change what happened or how it makes you feel. But I need you to know that helping you is all I wanna do. Don’t ever feel sorry. I want to be here. I’ll always want to be here.” He swallows and furrows his eyebrows in distress.

 “I know, and I-I…thank you. It’s just-” he falls silent, putting his hands into his head. I purse my lips, not knowing what to do. He’s silent for a few moments. “Everyone else has always been able to stay true to themselves, right?” he says softly. “Steve is still honorable and responsible. Wanda got better, even after losing her family. You came to SHIELD when your company was doing illegal experiments. Everyone got their chance to get better and they took it.” I know what’s coming, and I desperately try to think of something to rebuttal it with. But there’s nothing. He’s right. He inhales. “My chance was taken away.” he whispers. “And I…I think it ruined me.” his voice trails off, but I don’t miss the crack in his tone. My eyes burn with tears.

 “Bucky.” I say airily. My small hands are clasped tightly around his neck, feeling the place where his flesh ends and his metal arm begins, trying to help in any way. But I can’t. I’ve never felt so useless.

 “I don’t know what else they did. Maybe they have me exactly where they want me. Maybe I’m still wrapped around their finger.” he shakes his head. “What if you’re in danger because of me?” his hair falls over his face as he hangs his head low. I swallow down the lump in my throat.

 “Stop.” I say. “I’m not in danger. You’d never hurt me.” I brush my thumb back and forth against his neck, trying to soothe him in any way I can. “I know you don’t believe me. I don’t expect you to. But I want you to be happy. How can you be happy when you’re spending your life looking over your shoulder for a red journal, letting all the things they made you do turn you insane and not being able to live out of fear? That’s not living, Buck. Let yourself live.” I whisper, looking at him intensely. He stares at me with a pained expression, roaming my face. He’s searching for every ounce of honesty my words. I look at him wholeheartedly, letting my eyes tell him I speak the truth. And I think it clicks somewhere in his broken mind, because he engulfs me in a breathtaking hug, nearly knocking me down on the bed. I gasp a little, my hands tightening behind his neck. His arms pull me so close that we’re the silhouette of one being, that I am breathing in the air he exhales, and we are undoubtedly loved and loving, holding on as if we may vanish at any moment.

 His lips find mine, colliding noses, crashing bodies. It’s sloppy, but it’s perfect. We create the most beautiful catastrophes, drinking each other in. Once he finally pulls away, we’re breathless, leaning back into the pillows. My head sits in the nook between his arm and his chest, molded for me. His nose is pressed to my scalp, his fingers stroking my hair. “I love you.” I whisper in the dark.

 “Doll, I’m only alive because of you.”


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Jumeow - the Catastrophe

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