i am attracted to teenage boys now

someday I’m gonna chill out and not share every dumb family thing that happens to me, but until then:

I’ve always known my maternal grandpa was sexist but, for one thing, he wasn’t as sexist as my paternal grandparents, and for another, of the cluster of grandkids born 1989-1995, there was only one boy and he was way meaner and “worse” at life than I was, so I never had to deal with this - I mean I have plenty of inferiority issues with my cousins but it was never about sexism, it was that they’re all more attractive than I am and their parents brag about them in a way that made (makes) me feel shitty - BUT NOW the last grandkid, a boy born in 2001, is a senior in high school and all of a sudden I have to DEAL WITH COMPARISONS, which is ridiculous because I’m AN ADULT OF SOME PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS but I’m “wasting [my] time” compared to a TEENAGE BOY WHO IS APPLYING TO COLLEGES

I LITERALLY AM PAID TO HELP CHILDREN GET INTO COLLEGE, oh my god

also hilarious: apparently the thing impressing my grandpa is that my kid cousin is interested in robotics and is being “recruited by colleges,” which based on context and knowing my cousin is smart but not a crazy genius (none of us are), I imagine means he’s getting invited to apply to colleges; the same thing happened to me in high school and is happening to me right now with grad schools. it’s cool but it, like, doesn’t actually mean anything? why did my grandpa say I was wasting my time? UGH!!! RUDE!!!!!

Teen Wolf Preferences: How You Meet

A/N: So because sadly Teen Wolf ends tonight I decided to start my preferences and upload the first one. I know some are longer then others but I’ll try to make them more even in the future.

Derek

Last night your brother Scott had gone to the woods with his best friend Stiles to find a body. Scott had asked you if you wanted to come along but you decided to be the grown up adult and not come with him. The day after he went to the woods he decided to tell you that he had lost his inhaler.

“What do you mean you lost your inhaler.” You said kind of angry.

“Well I had it in my hand and then I saw something and I dropped it.” He said as he put some books in his backpack.

“So could you please go and look for it while I’m at school?” He asked hopefully.

“Are you crazy first of all the woods are dangerous and second of all how am I supposed to know where you lost it.” You said crossing your arms.

“Y/N it’s daylight nothing happened in daylight. And just look okay it’s daylight you will be able to find it.” He said as he took his backpack.

“Ugh fine I’ll go look for you.” You said with a sigh as you took your phone.

“Thanks big sis I owe you.” Scott said as he walked outside to Stile’s jeep.

You put your phone in your pocket and went outside to the woods to go and look for Scott’s inhaler. You were walking in the woods looking by like the hundred tree and his inhaler wasn’t there. You were slowly thinking that someone just took it with them. You stood up and turned around and saw a man standing a bit farther away from you. You just looked at him as he started to walk close.

“What are you doing here?” He asked while he was walking closer.

You just kept looking at him. You knew you recognized him from somewhere you just didn’t know from what.

“This is private property.” He said looking at you.

“I uh I was just looking for something.” You said pointing to the ground.

Before you knew it he trowed you Scott’s inhaler and you tried to catch it. He turned around and started to walk away when you suddenly remembered who he was.

“Hey you’re Derek right. Derek Hale.” You said as you walked a bit closer to him

“Uh yeah that’s me.” He said with a sigh as he turned around.

“I thought you left. Why are you back?” You asked curious as to why he is suddenly back.

“That’s none of your business.” He said sort of angry.

“Um o-okay. L-look here’s my number if you ever need to talk about anything.” You said as you gave him a piece of paper with a small smile.

“Thanks.” He said as he took the paper and put it in his pocket.

And you could swear that you saw him smile just a little before he walked of.

Scott

You were walking around school with a lot of books in your arms. Your stupid brother Isaac was walking next to you and wasn’t helping you a lot with carrying your books.

“Thanks for helping me carry all these books Isaac.” You said with a roll of your eyes.

“Your a big girl sis you can carry those books by yourself.” He said with a small smirk.

You rolled your eyes and just kept walking when someone bumped into you and you together with all of your books fell on the ground.

“Oh my god I am so sorry.” The person said.

“It’s okay.” You said as you looked up and saw Scott McCall.

You knew who he was and you had seen him around school a lot. And let’s just say that yo had a bit of a crush on him.

“Well good going Scott.” Your brother said.

“Don’t mind him.” You said to Scott with a roll of your eyes.

“Oh here let me help you.” Scott said as he bent down and helped you collect your books.

“Thanks.” You said with a smile.

You and Scott had picked up all of your books and you stood up.

“Thank you so much.” You said as you wanted to take your books from Scott.

“Oh no let me help you carry them. Do they need to be put in your locker or something?” He asked as he looked at you.

“Oh yes thank you. Finally someone that wants to help me.” You said as you looked at Isaac.

“Whatever I’ll see you later Y/N.” He said as he walked away.

You smiled at your brother and then looked back at Scott. You and Scott walked to your locker and put your books in it.

“Thanks for helping me brining them to my locker Scott.” You said with a smile.

“No problem Y/N. Hey a question can I maybe have your number. You know so that you can call me when you need help with your books.” He said as he put his hands in his pockets nervously.

“Uh yeah sure.” You said with a smile as you wrote down your number on a piece of paper.

“Thanks so uh just call me when you need help or something.” He said as he took the piece of paper with a smile.

“Yeah I sure will.” You said with a smile.

Stiles

You were walking in the school hallway and you had a few books in your hand to put in your locker. You were walking when you suddenly heard a few guys yelling to get out of the way. Before you could get out of the way you felt someone run into you and you literally fell on the ground.

“Hey!!” You yelled as you looked up at the person who ran into you.

He was still running when he turned around to look at you.

“Sorry.” He yelled with a small wave.

When he turned around you recognized him as Stiled Stilinski. You just rolled your eyes and grabbed your books. The next day you were sitting in the library when Stiles came and sat in front of you.

“Did you need something?” You asked looking up at him.

“Uh I uh I just wanted to say sorry for running into you yesterday. I was just in a rush.” He said with a little smile.

“Yeah I could tell you were in a rush but it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She said with a smile.

She looked down again and started studying again before realizing Stiles was still sitting in front of you.

“Anything else you needed?” You asked him.

“Uh y-you’re really pretty. Uh sorry um….can I maybe have your number?” He asked nervously.

“Yeah sure Stiles.” You took his phone that he had put on the table and you put your number in it.

“Just text me whenever.” You said with a smile.

“O-okay uh I’ll uh I’ll see you later.” He said with a goofy smile as he stood up and walked away.

Isaac

You were at your brothers house when suddenly the door opened. You turned around and saw a boy with light brown hair and about your age walk in.

“What are you doing here?” You asked looking at him.

“I am here to see Derek. Who are you?” He asked as he walked closer to you.

“I’m Y/N. Who are you?” You asked crossing your arms.

“I’m Isaac.” He said with a smirk

“Oh you are Isaac. Yeah Derek has told me a lot about you. I thought you would be cuter.” You said with a smirk.

“Oh really well sorry to disappoint you.” He said also smirking.

“It’s okay you’re still dateble.” You said walking to a table.

Isaac came to follow you when Derek walked in. He could immediately smell that you and Isaac liked each other.

“Isaac what are you doing here?” He asked.

“I need to talk to you about….you know.” He said walking closer to Derek.

You and Derek tried to keep in your laughter because Isaac tried to talk about werewolves discreetly. You smiled and stood up.

“I uh I think I’m gonna go. But uh texst me yeah.” You said as you handed Isaac a piece of paper as you walked out the door.

Isaac stood there with a smile on his face as you walked out. Derek hit him on the head so that he would snap out of it.

“Don’t even think about it.” Derek said walking away.

Isaac just stood there for a second confused as to why Derek cared so much. He just shrugged his shoulders put the piece of paper away and followed Derek.

Liam

You and the rest of the pack were standing between to busse’s trying to figure out how to get Liam. The kid Scott bit. To Lydia’s boathouse for the full moon. Malia was nagging that she didn’t want to share her basement. And then Stiles had this stupid idea to chloroform him but of course Lydia came up with a great idea.

“We tell him there’s a party and invite him.” Lydia said.

“What so you’re gonna ask out a freshman.” Stiles said to Lydia not believing she would do that.

“No I am done with teenage boys, but if were playing a trick on someone let’s use the trickster.” She said while looking at you.

“What me no way.” You said crossing your arms.

“Y/N you are a mermaid or in other words a siren. Your ancestors used to lure sailors. And also you are his age so it would work perfectly.” Lydia said with a smirk.

“No guys come on you know I can’t do this.” You said nervously.

“Yes you can. Now come on we are gonna make you look more attractable.” Lydia said taking your hand.

“Is that even a word?” You asked.

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” She said.

After a couple of minutes of Lydia putting a bit more make up on you and freeing your hair from you’re ponytail you were waiting by the stairs for Liam to come. When you saw him coming with his friend you started walking down the stairs while looking at him and he was looking back at you. You couldn’t deny that he was insanely cute and hot at the same time but you knew you were gonna mess this up and you did. When you were almost at the last step you tripped and almost fell on the floor but Liam catched you.

“H-Hey are you okay?” he asked looking at you.

“Uh yeah I am. Hey you uh you wanna come to a party tonight.?” You asked.

“Uh yeah sure.” He said with a small smirk.

“Great here’s my number I will text you the deets.” You said with a small wink.

“Oh okay.” He said looking at you with a goofy smile as you walked away.

Brett

You and your brother Liam had to transfer from Devenford Prep to Beacon hills high school. Well actually you had to transfer Liam was kicked out for destroying his coach’s car. You didn’t really want to leave but you decided it was the best thing to do because people were gonna be talking about you because you’re Liam’s brother. You were walking in the hallway when you heard that Beacon Hills lacrosse team was going to play against your old school. You tried to look for Liam when you heard that Devenford’s lacrosse team had arrived you walked outside and saw Liam standing in front of your longtime crush Brett. You were very scared that Liam was gonna hit him because he sure looked like he was gonna hit him.

“I just wanted to say……..Have a good game.” Liam said as he held out his hand.

You and Mason looked at each other very surprised at how calm he was. That was until you hear Brett laugh in his face.

“That’s cute Liam is that what they told you in anger management. Apologizes and everything’s fine.” Brett said quit angry.

You wanted to go over there because you could see Liam get angrier but decided that it was best to just stay out of it.

“You demolished coach’s car.” He said angrily.

“I paid for it.” Liam said while he tried to calm down.

“Yeah you’re gonna pay for it. We’re gonna break you in half out there. And it’s gonna be all your fault.” Brett said looking straight at Liam.

You looked at Liam and saw that he was having trouble and then saw blood starting to drip from his hands. You quickly walked to Liam and saw Scott and Stiles also come. You saw Stiles wanting to start talking to Brett but you walked to him and told him to look after Liam.

“H-hey Brett.” You said turning to look at him.

“Hey Y/N, I miss you at school.” He said crossing her arms.

“Yeah well you know how close I am to my brother. Uh so yeah uh just good look tonight but uh try to keep it clean okay.” You said as you started to walk away.

“Anything for you babe.” He said with a smirk.

You just rolled your eyes and kept walking. That night you were on the field talking to Liam and Mason and the three of you were looking at Brett who was shirtless at the moment.

“You think he’s hot don’t you?” Liam asked.

You had no idea if he was talking to you or to Mason but both of you just answered yes. You and Mason just laughed and went to sit on the bleachers. In the break you ware talking to Mason about something when he suddenly looked behind you.

“What?” You asked confused.

“Uh B-Brett.” He said as he pointed behind you.

You turned around and saw Brett walking towards you.

“Go go go.” Mason said to you as you got of the bleachers to walk closer to him.

“So you think I’m hot.” He said with a smirk.

“H-how do you know that?” You asked confused.

“I have my recourses.” He said with a little laugh.

“So uh does this mean that I can have your number?” He asked.

“Uh…Y-yeah of course you can.” You said with a small smile.

You took a piece of paper and pen that was in your purse and wrote down your number.

“Uh here.” You said nervously as you gave it to him.

“Thanks. I’ll text you okay.” He said as he started walking back to the field.

“Uh yeah.”

Theo

You, Liam, Malia and your brother Stiles were speeding towards the bridge were Scott was fighting a creature. The moment you guys arrived Scott was on his knees for a few moments before getting back up again and breaking the creatures bones and giving it a choice to stay or run. Lucky for the creature he chose to run. Only know you realized that there was another werewolf standing there. The moment he changed to his human form you knew you recognized him from somewhere but you couldn’t put your finger on it.

“You don’t remember me do you?” The guy asked looking at all of you.

“I guess I do look a little different since 4th grade.” He said with a smile.

At that moment it hit you. It was Theo you had known him for forever when he suddenly moved.

“Theo.” Scott said surprised.

“You know him?” Malia asked.

“They used do. Trust me I never thought I’d see you guys again. A couple of month ago I heard about an alpha in Beacon Hills, when I found out his name was Scott McCall I couldn’t believe it not just an alpha but a true alpha.” He said with a smirk.

“What do you want?” Scott asked.

“I moved back to Beacon Hills together with my family because I wanna be a part of your pack.” He said with a little smile.

Scott looked at him for a bit and told him that he would have to think about it. Scott, Stiles, Malia and Kira went inside the school while you decided to stay and talk to Theo.

“So you’re back?” You asked him walking towards him.

“Yeah I am. Wow I would have never thought that I would see you again.” He said with a smile as he looked at you.

“Yeah neither did I.” You said also with a smile.

“You know when we were young I had the biggest crush on you.” He said with a smirk.

“Did you know?” You asked raising an eyebrow.

“I sure did and now that I see you again I remember why. You still look as good as you did back then. Well I mean you did get hotter but you know.” He said smirking.

“I can say the same about you Theo. You sure look a lot different.” You said looking him up and down while biting your lip.

“Here my number. So you know you can uh text me when you need someone to show you around.” You said as you handed him a piece of paper.

“Thanks, I uh I guess I’ll see you around.” He said with a wink.

“Yeah I guess you will.”

Nolan

You were on the lacrosse field with your cheer leading team practicing while the lacrosse players were also practicing. Of course most of your team members were watching the lacrosse players which meant that you were also watching them but you just had your eye on one player. You had met Nolan a few times since the two of you were in the same class but you had never actually had a conversation. You thought he was really cute and you wanted to get to know him better but you were to shy to talk to him. You were watching him practice and you saw him look at you sometimes. The guys were having a short break and that meant that your team wanted to practice some cheers to show off to the guys. When you were done you walked back a bit laughing at something your friend said when you bumped into someone.

“Oh uh I-I’m so sorry.” You said turning around and looking up.

“Oh uh h-hey Y-Y/N.” Nolan said with a little blush on his cheeks.

“H-hey N-nolan.” You said nervously.

“Uh Sorry for uh bumping into you.” He said rubbing the back of his neck.

“Actually I uh bumped into you.” You said with a little laugh.

“Oh uh b-but uh I uh I was in the way.” He said chuckling nervously.

The two of you just stood there in awkard silence both of you trying to come up with something to talk about when suddenly Gabe came up behind Nolan.

“Hey Nolan everything alright over here?” He asked looking at Nolan with a knowing look.

“Uh y-yeah uh yeah.” Nolan said looking down.

“Come on just ask her. You got this.” Gabe whispered into his ear and then patted him on the back and walked away.

“So uh….Y-Y/N you uh you come here often.” He asked nervously although he was trying really hard to act cool.

“Uh yeah I uh do It’s school.” You said with a little laugh.

“Oh yeah right.” He said with a little laugh.

“Um Y/N can I uh can I have your number?” He asked very nervously.

“Uh y-yeah of course you can.” You said as you took a pen.

“Uh can I uh can I have your hand.” You asked holding out your hand for his.

He really nervously handed you his hand and you wrote your number on it.

“T-thanks so uh I’ll uh I’ll text you o-okay.” He said looking at his hand with a big smile before looking back up at you with a smile.

“Uh yeah great.” You said with a smile.

“Yeah uh see ya later.” He said awkwardly as he walked away.

“Yeah later.”

Gabe

You had known Gabe for a very long time he was one of your best friends. And of course you had the biggest crush on him but you would ever tell him because you didn’t want to ruin your relationship. You had met him when you moved into the house next to his. Your parents and you had gone over to say hello to your neighbors and you and Gabe immediately hit it off. From that moment on you guys did almost everything together. You were such good friends that some people even thought that the two of you were a couple. Right know you were waiting for him to pick you up for school. You were sitting outside on your porch waiting for him. You heard a car honk and looked up and walked towards his car.

“Hey cutie.” He said with a smile as you got in his car.

“Hey Gabie.” You said with a smile looking at him.

The car ride to school was kind of silent he was mostly focusing on driving and you were just sining along to the music. Once you got to school you both got out and walked into school. Of course when you walked in everyone looked at the two of you and started whispering trying to figure out if you guys were together or not. You got to your locker and he just leaned against the other lockers.

“So I have practice tonight. You coming?” He asked looking at you.

“Of course I’m coming if I didn’t then I wouldn’t have ride.” You said jokingly as you put some books in your bag.

“Ouch that one hurt.” He said jokingly.

You just laughed and closed your locker and just looked at him for a second. After a few seconds you snapped out of it and started walking.

“Gabe were are you going?” You asked as he was following you.

“Going to class.” He said like it was the most obvious thing ever.

“Uh Gabe we don’t have the same class. Your class is the other way.” You said with a small smile on your face.

“Oh shoot right. Okay well see you at lunch okay.” He said with a small wave.

At the end of the school day you want to the lacrosse field and went to sit on the bleachers and waited for the guys to come out. When they came out Gabe immediately looked at you and smiled. When they had a little break you came down from the bleachers and you walked towards Gabe. He went to hug you but you pushed him back.

“No you’re way to sweaty for a hug.” You said stepping back from him.

“So I have to wait until I’ve showerd until I can give you a hug.” He said with a little pout.

“Yep but just be happy that I will still be here at the end of this practice. I mean believe me watching hot guys run around is amazing to look at but also really boring.” You said with a little laugh.

“Hot guys….I think you mean hot guy. And that guy would be me.” He said jokingly but still with a hint of jealousy in his voice.

“Oh don’t be jealous Gabe you know you are my only guy.” You said with a little smile.

“Yeah about that uh look Y/N I uh I like you like, like like you.” Gabe said nervously biting his lip.

“Wait really? I uh I like like you to.” You said with a smile.

“Really! That’s uh that’s great…Um.. I uh I mean I knew that.” He said getting very excited but then trying to act cool.

“So uh you can certainly expect a text from me soon.3 He said with a smirk.

“Okay great.” You said with a smile.

“Gabe stop flirting with your girlfriend and come over here. Breaks over!” Coach yelled at Gabe.

Gabe winked at you and he ran back to the field.

Skate park / ed

I was going to a party with my family. Something i was dreading since the minute they told me we had to go. I was some birthday arty for my moms friend and I haven’t met anyone that will be there. Now, i not a shy girl but i am at the same time.

We arrived at the house and my mom, my 6 year old brother and i walked into the back yard. It was filled with screaming kids. Perfect. My brother ran to the other kids as I sat down at a picnic table and my mom talked to her friend in the kitchen. I walked my brother and the other kids until i noticed two teenage boys among them. They were almost identical, and very attractive. i smiled to myself and tried not to stare.

“Hi, I’m Cameron.” I heard a girl say as she sat in front of me. I smiled up at her.

“I’m Y/N” I said.

“How old are you?” She asked.

“16, and you?” I asked, shaking her hand.

“19, haha. So which one is yours?” She asked pointing at the pile of kids.

“They little boy in the blue shirt is my baby brother. What about you?” I asked, looking at the kids. The twins looked me and then at each other and smiled.

“The only ones who don’t look 6. those are my brothers.” She said laughing. I saw them stand up and start to walk over here. I quickly looked away and hid my blushy cheeks.

“Y/N, this is Ethan and Grayson. Guys this is Y/N” Cameron said. They sat across from me. I smiled.

“What are you doing here by yourself?” Grayson asked.

“My moms in the house and my brothers over there.” I said laughing nervously.

“Ah, baby watch?” Ethan asked.

“Not really, I’m just really protective of him I guess.” i said.

We all got to talking and i started to grow a crush on Ethan. The way he smiled at me, the way his hair laid perfectly on his head and the way he concentrated on who ever was speaking. Everything about him made me smile.

About an hour later. I was walking in the back yard with the twins.

“There’ a skate park not too far from here, you want to go?” Ethan asked me.

“i’m not that good at skating, but why not.” I said.

“You guys have fun.” Grayson said winking at Ethan.

“You’re not coming?” i asked

“I have to help Cameron with something.” He said. I shrugged my shoulders and looked back at Ethan.

“Shall we?” He asked. I nodded.

We walked to the skate park and he started skating as i watched.

“You want to try?” He asked skating to me..

“i’d hurt myself.” I said.

“no you wont, I’ll help you.” He said. He grabbed my hands and let me stand on the board. He stood in front of me and walked me along while holding onto his hips. He tried to let go but i almost fell causing me to grab onto his shoulders. he laughed at me and held me up again.

“Maybe you were right, but we can work on it.” He said. I smiled at him. He helped me off the skateboard and smiled at me. He went to go skateboard again and show off his tricks. I shook my head smiling and sat on the edge of the ramp.

Soon, more people were up there and he skated to me. He sat next to me.

“How did i do?” He asked kind of out of breath. He sat next to me, our shoulders touching.

“Good, except for that jump you almost missed earlier.” I said laughing. He laughed as well and smiled at me.

“Maybe we could do this again. This was fun.” He said. I nodded.

“You can teach me how to actually stand up on one.” I said. He laughed.

“I’d like that.” He said.

We walked back and exchanged numbers before i left. I couldn’t stop smiling on the way home. My mom wouldn’t stop asking questions.

I got home and laid on my bed, when my phone buzzed.

I had a really fun day with you. Maybe we could do that again. Maybe as a date? -Ethan

MASTERLIST

A vision

His eyes shown at me,
As bright as the starts
Far up in the sky
Just where the belong,
Beside my heart.

Like a crystalline diamond
So attractive and clear,
I stepped closer to see
The reflection of me,
Deep in the center.

But before my eyes
He wasn’t there
No sign of him
No footsteps to trace,
I really do miss him.

I saw the world
Through his honest eyes
Now that they’re gone,
I’m living all alone,
Or am I simply blind?

N.A

anonymous asked:

Help, I've been sure I'm straight for 16 years of my life, but now I feel like I might be bi?? Like I still have a bigger preference for boys, but I think I'm starting to find girls attractive??

My best advice for you, anon, is to relax and find ways to explore yourself.  The way of doing that is different for everyone.

Teenage years are weird and it’s when most of us find our identities.  Our hormones change and we find ourselves experimenting.  The truth is, it’s terrifying.  I completely understand what you’re feeling right now.  Just know that, either way, it’s 100% okay.  If you learn your bi, that’s awesome, and I’m here to support you!  If you learn it was just your Teen Brain™ acting like an asswipe and you’re straight, that’s also completely okay, and you’ll still have my support.

Regardless, it is possible to be more into one gender than the other.  Bisexuality isn’t always 50/50!  If you find yourself more into guys, but still find gals attractive, so be it. Best of luck!

“i always thought i was bi, i have only been in relationships with men. i had a crush on a girl once but she rejected me in the end because she said she liked thin girls better (looking back that was a bit fucked up because i was thin??? but every teenage girl think they are too fat i guess. but anyway, she is allowed to feel that way).

but now i am 22 and i seriously question my feelings/attraction towards men. i feel like maybe i was just with them because it was a) easy b) expected of me. i had pretty low self esteem when i was younger so i thought i was only worth something if boys liked me. however at parties i really prefered making out with one of my female friends. not to get anyone hot but because guys are .. maybe not my thing?? i worked through a lot of sexism and finally got feminism “right” in the past 3 years and now i love sourrounding myself with women.

men are always so annoying (#notallmen) and i feel like i always had to be the mature one in the relationship and teach them thing and become like a normal person??? thats literally not my job? i hate how irresponsible they always were and how i had to explain everything to them. they didnt think for themselves. annoying af. i had 3 long term boyfriends, all different ethnicities, and different education levels from high-school and then working, to university and they all had in common what i just listed.

then on the other hand i look at women and i am like: nice. they respect me. they are interesting. have their own thoughts. they are pro-active, they are idealistic, they are sweet and pretty and just perfect?? they are kind. they are responsible, like me. it’s all more 50/50. bonus of course if they are feminists. they are less violent, more open minded and just caring and cool. so yeah am i a lesbian?

i made an okcupid profile recently only looking for queer female friends because i am just so tired of men and suddenly i am like: i don’t have to date men. i feel so relieved. but i am afraid to identify as a lesbian because what if in 3 years i feel attracted to a man i want to date? i don’t want to feel like an intruder or a fraud. and i feel like girls are not interested in me. i feel like i am not gay enough for them?? everytime i flirted with them or tried to start something serious it didn’t work out. i guess that’s also why i dated men. sorry for the long post!”
(spaces added for readability)
——————
It can be super hard to separate how you feel about men because of the role you’re required to play due to misogyny, and how you just feel about men. It can even be impossibe. Like, we can ask ourselves a billion times if we’d still feel the same about men if we weren’t socialized the way we were–like, would this feeling still be the same if I was raised on a deserted island without expectations, without having ever been hurt by misogyny or male entitlement?

The great thing is… you don’t have to. Instead of worrying about a Genuine Self, just know that you as you are exist right now, and that’s what really matters. I’d go as far as to say more lesbians struggle with the idea that they might not really be a lesbian, than lesbians who are certain that they are lesbians.
What it comes down to is, you very clearly do not want to be with men–you even said you felt -relief- at allowing yourself to not date men. That’s where you are today. If you’re somewhere else three years ago, that’s perfectly fine. It doesn’t mean you can’t call yourself a lesbian, or that you have like. Sullied the label or something.

If you think you are a lesbian, if you want to call yourself as a lesbian… come as you are. We’ll take you. You don’t have to ever be 100% sure. We love you, we’re here for you, you belong. And if down the road you discover that you’re bi, or that the bi label feels better for you? We still love you, we’re still here for you, and you still belong.

anonymous asked:

You know what angers me the most about this whole thing is that people will once again say that SQers scream homophobia whenever their "delusional" ship is attacked, and you know what, it truly is. Because the last canon otp I had was when I was 11, and the rest were non-canon het ships, and in every con, in every interview, questions about their relationship would come up and they wouldn't get shut down, they wouldn't get called delusional, they wouldn't be rejected so blatantly and viciously.

I have … thoughts about what canon versus non-canon shipping has been in my life.  Do you know what age I was when I saw my first gay woman on a television show I watched?  I was 16, I might have actually been 17.  Pretty far into my confused “why am I not attracted to boys this part of maturity has supposed to have started by now?” phase.  Yes.  Really.  That’s what I thought.

Because why wouldn’t I think that?  There were no role models in my life.

So you know who that first gay woman I identified with was?  Talia Winters from Babylon 5.  I even bought this kind of expensive for a teenager scifi magazine because it had this one paragraph long caption about how Babylon 5 was going to have this gay character.  I became super invested in it.  

She died.  Well functionally died as her brain was rewritten by an evil state security apparatus.  And her bisexual lover went on to have a relationship with a man.

And the next gay woman I saw on television was evil.

And the next one was also evil.

And the next one was dead and evil.  

And by the time I was in my early twenties I’d discovered that all these evil dead lesbians?  They were by design.  The standards and practices, and later the dominant culture, dictated that no homosexuality could be shown in a positive light.  Hence all the evil lesbians.  And evil needed to be punished.  Hence all the dead lesbians.

Xena was on TV when I was a late teen, and you might say, well weren’t they lesbians?  No.  They were not.  One of the most famous gay shows on television when I was growing up.  Celebrated for it’s gayness.  Was only subtext.  Oh.  And they were dead in the end too.  At least one of them was.  I can’t remember because i didn’t watch the show.

It was at least until my twenties before I saw a gay woman as a regular character on television who didn’t die.  That was Kerry Weaver.  Who was often framed as a villain, and demonized by the fandom.  Funny that.

The L Word happened somewhere in that period but I’ve never much liked the L Word.  It wasn’t the kind of television I was interested in.  And here is in fact the lesson of this story.  LGBT representation can’t just be on a couple of shows.  It can’t just be on Orange is the New Black.  It can’t just be on Person of Interest.  Because gay people shouldn’t have to watch shows they aren’t interested in just to see someone like them.  If they want to watch silly fantasy shows like Once they should be able to see people like them there too.

But here is the thing.  If all your canon ships end up dead or ended abruptly (which often happens to gay characters), you have to resort to a non-canon couple like Swan Queen.  The media has left you with no real choice because emotionally investing in that side couple no matter how much you love them… might lead you to the lands of misfit LGBT characters who abruptly disappear from the canon.  Like ER’s Maggie Doyle.  

And here is the thing that worries me about what happened yesterday.  Somewhere out there is someone who was like me.  A teenager who didn’t understand themselves and they are looking for any role model they can identify themselves with while they figure it out.  And that young girl is going to start identifying with Emma and Regina.  After all there are a ton of gay people who do.  Shes’ going to see what we all see.

And then she’s going to get on the internet.  Excited.  And the likelihood is that she’s not going to find a LGBT safe space or an accepting part of the fandom. Because the first place she’s going to look is the official facebook page or the twitter page of someone who seems to be speaking for the show.  Like Yvette Nicole Brown.  

And she’s going to get told that what she sees isn’t real.  That she’s sick for seeing it.  That she’s delusional.  And not wanted.  And any number of other things.  And if I as an adult woman comfortable in my sexuality was depressed and felt like something I valued was treating me like garbage yesterday…. what do you think that young woman thought?

Because I promise you she exists out there somewhere.  And she’s hearing that message loud and clear.

If this fandoms toxic behavior hasn’t contributed to a young queer person’s suicide yet… it’s only a matter of time.