i am almost close to tears

The Distance Between Us

A/N: So. *sweats nervously* I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into this because I CANT WRITE LONG THINGS THIS ISNT EVEN LONG
Dedicated to @slightlystalesushirolls, who chose the song. Yes, this is a songfic. (The song is called “Shanghai Romance”)


Guang Hong looks out across the skyline. Distant smokestacks of a factory are visible for once, the smog around the city almost completely cleared. A light trails across the sky, and he closes his eyes and wishes on the star. Or maybe it’s an airplane. Either way, two minutes later, his phone rings.

 "Wei; Hello?“
“Hey Guang Hong! Did I catch you at a bad time? I know it’s pretty late in Shanghai.”
“It’s fine. I was getting ready for bed, anyways.”

It’s easy, talking like this. Like breathing or lying down. Falling into rhythm with Leo is always easy.

 //I think I fell for him, I think I fell for him//

 They met at a competition a few years back. He remembers the cute boy with russet hair, happy and kind, asking if he and Phichit wanted to eat out. Phichit had all too cheerfully promised that both of them would go. 

Of course, halfway through ordering for himself Phichit remembered that he had planned dinner with Yuri. Apologizing profusely, he left a confused Guang Hong and a baffled Leo to order their meals. Though both were slightly shocked, Leo managed to choke out an order to the waitress. A ham and egg sandwich, and the special–fried rice with baked cheese on top. 

 Waiting for the food, an awkward silence filled the space between them, both wanting it to end but neither knowing quite what to say. Finally, Guang Hong broke the ice.

 "What’s it like to live in America? Have you ever seen a movie star?“

 Even then, he figures, maybe he was a little in love with Leo. Because Leo was so sweet, so cool. Calm and collected, and infinitely better than Guang Hong. Unattainable. 

//Even though tonight or tomorrow night, you might not be my boy 100%//

“Anyways, I called because I wanted to talk to you. About something personal.”

Guang Hong’s heart rate speeds up, but he reminds himself that they are friends. Nothing more.

“Um. What do you want to talk about? Is something wrong?”

 He can hear Leo take a breath, thinks about the way his lips part, imagines biting those same lips, kissing them and never stopping. He squashes down the hope. 
…But maybe? Just maybe?

 "So, I really like this guy.“

 He hears Leo release the breath. It’s as if the world has stopped spinning. Is it possible to hear your own heart break? To feel all hope drain from your veins? Because Guang Hong might as well just die on the spot right now.

 "Leo! That’s…great! I’m very happy for you. Tell me about him.“
“Well, he’s really cute. And he’s funny and smart, even if he won’t admit it. He’s also very strong…I don’t know if he likes me back, though. Sometimes I get a weird vibe from him.”
“I bet he likes you.”
“I don’t know…”

 Guang Hong wonders if maybe the earth can just swallow him. Or if he can take the next flight to America for some dramatic movie-worthy confession of love.

//I need to take an airplane to meet you, but that’s not easy, I want to cry//

“So what should I do?”

 Guang Hong imagines what Leo looks like in this moment. Talking into the phone with his hair in a messy bun, strands falling across his face(the way Guang Hong likes it best,)warm brown eyes sparkling over newfound love. It hurts. A lot.

 "I think…You should ask him out. Who can say no to you? If you don’t do it, you’ll regret it anyways.“

"Are you sure?”

 Guang Hong sighs, just a little bit. But before anything else, Leo is his friend, and friends do what’s right for each other.


//You are a love I’ve felt for the first time//

"So. Um. Guanghongyou'rereallyprettyandkindandbravewillyoubemyboyfriend?”
“What? Leo, can you say that slower?”

 Guang Hong’s heart is beating so violently that he thinks it might jump out of his chest. Hope returns to him, new and bright.

Leo sighs, and it sounds like static over the phone.

 "Guang Hong, I like you a lot. Even if you don’t admit it, you’re brave. You’re kind and funny and sweet and I can’t get you out of my head.“

“It’s okay if you don’t like me like that! I just wanted you to know, because I couldn’t keep it a secret from you any longer!”
“N-no Leo! I feel the same way!”

//Sha sha sha - you make my heart pound today//


They talk and talk, and maybe at one point Leo cries, then Guang Hong starts crying too. But they’re okay. They’re more than okay. 

//It may be a dream, but I am yours//

“Are you yawning? What time is it in China? Go sleep!”
“Good night.”
“I think I’m in love with you." 

The other line is silent for a long time, long enough for him to wonder if the other boy has hung up. "Is it too fast? Forget I said anything.”

“No. It’s not that. Just…I love you too.”

//My Shanghai love, you have such attitude//

My appreciation post...

Okay so I’m about to sleep but im feeling suoer sentimental and I just have to get this out there first.
I just want to say a MASSIVE,humongous, gigantic, immense thank you to my @inarichi for her ongoing support. She helped to advertise my fic for me with her hard earned Karma Points. I was so happy that I was almost in tears. I am eternally grateful hun and I WILL find a way to repay you!!

Secondly a big, vast, huge, monumental (im our of synonyms) thank you to @thongiin and @lookatnini88 and all of the other ‘Dickology’ crew members including My Nar once again for their ongoing support. A lot of ppl on here ol'tumblr think Dickology are just a bunch of smut fueled Kaisoo shippers (and we are) but we are also a close knit family, who help eachother through the tough times in life. We pick eachother up when were down, we send packagea across the seas to show our love, we distract each other from reality when things just get too tough and above all, we make one another laigh beyond repair because we can be ourselves. No judging. No prejudice. No shaming. Of course we hurt eachother unintentionally sometimes and maybe be say things we don’t mean. But all in all, we are there through thick and thin. We make up, get over it, dont hold a grudge and talk things through and inevitably grow closer through it. You guys are my rocks and I am so grateful to know every single one of you. I feel truly blessed.

Now, there is also Kaisoo Nation (Admin LuLu representin!) Haha. I haven’t known you guys as long…and there are about 56 of you so I don’t know you all well enough quite yet but I just wanna say another giant thank you to each and every one of you for always been there and making me smile! I have managed to meet people who I never thought I would, it is truly an honour and every single one of you are lovely, down to earth and beauitful ppl inside and out!! Im honoured to be your Admin! :) @wuace @midoubride @at1stsoo @monkeecamsie @t-okiio

Last but definitely not least, my Kakao Shinee group! We have known each other for years now. Our love of SHINee brought us together and I feel like I have made friends for life! Even though we are split across the globe we still managed to meet up just before the new year! My time spent with you guys both online and in real life I will treasure forever. So many wonderful memories and a grouo of people that are always there for me no matter what. No juding, no harsh words. Nothing but love and support!! So thank you @magicalmoon22 @yuethefullmoonangel @lovingshineeworld @adhipoe and every1 I don’t have on tumblr!

Anyway, I just wanted to make this post because I love you all and I want you to know how special you make me feel!!!

Xx LuLu xX

You Have a Bad Sex Life With Him: Part 2

Part 1


The rain pattered against Gemma’s window, my fingers fiddling against the corner of my book. I can just barely see the words on the paper, only the occasional lightning making each word visible. Gemma snores softly beside me, and I almost start to cry wishing I am able to sleep now. But my eyes resisted each flutter, and now here I am, awake and drowning in my thoughts.

My head falls lightly onto the window, the glass leaving a spot of cold against my skin.

“I said don’t be afraid” I sing under my breath, my voice quivering the slightest. “I’m coming home.”

I close my eyes, a single tear drop flowing down my cheek, landing softly on the page of my book. I instantly wipe it away with the pads of my fingers, shaking my head. 

I close my book softly, placing it gently down on the bed before quietly slipping out from under the duvets. I make sure to walk quietly out the door, making sure to not disturb anybody before making my way into the kitchen.

I slide the light, illuminating the room to as dim as it can be. Loneliness consumes me, wraps me up like a cocoon, fighting against the restraints. I’m miserable, spending a night where my thoughts haunt my insides, where I’m alone wondering if this is how every night will be.

A night without Harry is something foreign. I’ve always needed him near, touching me in some sort of way, feeling his skin burn through mine. It’s comforting to me, feeling the effects of a man you love. It’s a drug, an intoxication, burning your insides until you feel the high. That’s how I felt with him every night, in paradise, because it’s just me and him, with no sense of an outside world, no care or thoughts, just us. 

I lean against the counter, tracing the shapes I made out in my head. I take a few deep breaths, hoping to compose the emotions threatening to spill out. I feel like he’s slipped completely out from between my fingers, and he’s so oblivious that he just keeps his hands clenched, as if still holding on.

Tears begin to fall from my eyes, dropping onto the counter. I don’t bother holding them back, choking with each inhale. 

I cry until there’s nothing left inside of me, just an empty void of nothingness. Just a pit of numbness, settling in my stomach. Until my cheeks are dried, and my eyes swollen. I must have been out of it for a while, in a zone of deep thought and self doubt, because suddenly, I feel him. With no warning.

I feel his chest nearly touching my back, the heat radiating off his skin enough to already feel it. His breath is hitting my neck, chills running up my spine and down to the tips of my fingers. His soft hands roam my waist, dancing along the clothed parts of me. The knuckles of my fingers curl against the table. His hands run up my back, gliding against my shoulders and running down my arms, his fingertips on top of mine. 

He leans in, his lips pressing against my shoulder bone. He moans softly, detaching his lips only to kiss my skin again. But suddenly, I can’t feel him anymore, and I almost start to think he left me once again, back to the feeling of lonesome. But his hands reattach to my hips, and his lips meet my shoulder again.

“Marry me.” He whispers, his breath lingering on my skin.

My breath gets caught in my throat, my heart stopping at his words. I forget how to breathe, my lungs collapsing with his words.

He keeps his lips where they are, waiting for me to say something, anything. But I can’t, everything is caught in my throat.

“Please,” he breathes out, “baby girl.”

I let out my held breath, my shoulders slumping forward.

He kisses my shoulders again, almost desperately, just to get me to say something.

“I was waiting until I asked you. You know my reputation, I didn’t want you to think I was only in this relationship so that you can open your legs for me. I just wanted you to understand that I’m in this for you, just for you, not for anything else.”

I turn to look at him, his green eyes glistening with tears. He’s biting on his lip, his hands shaking against my waist. He sighs, bottom lip trembling between his teeth. 

“I’m sorry I put you through this. I didn’t know.” He cries, fingers petting my cheek. “But please, marry me.”

I place my hand on his wrist, making sure his touch didn’t leave me. I have never seen him so vulnerable, where he looks like a single word can destroy his whole world. But he’s never looked so beautiful.

“You don’t have to ask me, Harry, if you don’t want to. I wasn’t asking for that much.”

He shakes his head, looking almost heartbroken that I haven’t said yes.

“But I want to, I want to spend everyday with you. I already have the ring, I’ve had it for weeks. I was waiting until I showed you how serious I was about you so that you didn’t think sex was all I wanted. My reputation it—it’s fucked up. It’s not me, it’s not who I am and I didn’t want you to think I—“

Before he could finish, I lean in so I can kiss him. I make sure he can feel the compassion I hold for him, the flames of fire that burn my skin whenever he touches me. His fingertips press against my skin, sure to leave marks tomorrow morning. 

“Why’d you wait so long, my H?” I mumble, “I wouldn’t want to spend my life with anybody else.“

My nails dig into his skin, tracing the outlines of his tattoos. I rub occasionally on his chest, palms running along his skin. This is the closest I’ve ever been to him, emotionally. I feel like he’s with me now, fully there, not half gone. 

“I love you so, so much, baby girl,” he whispers, head lulling back the more pressure I puncture into his skin, “and I think it’s time I show you how much I do.”

Nothing More - Jinyoung (M)

Warning: Smut ahead.

Keep reading

BTS when you tell them you are afraid of the dark

Could you do a bts reaction to you telling them you’re afraid of the dark?

I’m scared of the dark too, and I’m 20 so yeah….

Jin: “Oh my God baby that is adorable! Come here let me kiss you!” 

Originally posted by mintokkies

 Jimin: “If you stick your body really close to mine, the monsters will think we are one large being and won’t attack us. Trust me, I am an expert” *proceeds to hold you close*

Originally posted by eyehealyou

J-Hope: “You have nothing fo fear jagi! Your knight in shining armor is here to protect you!” *pretend you are suga*

Originally posted by sweetyoongi

Jungkook: *cannot stop smiling because he finds this new piece of information incredibly endearing*

Originally posted by hugtae

Rap Monster: *finds this hilarious, and is almost in tears, however if you really are scared, he will hold you close, and calm you down, before turning a night lamp on*

Originally posted by vubbletae

Suga: “Really?? How about we hide under the blankets and make lot’s of noise to scare the monsters away eh?” *gif* *pervy Yoongi will give me a heart attack*

Originally posted by forjimin

V: *gif* “Awwww my jagi!! You have nothing to fear as long as I’m here with you. I love you, my cutie”

Originally posted by secret-exotic

A/N: None of these gifs are mine, credits go to their owners, please thank those precious beings for gifting us with these precious gifs

Reflection Of 2016

I let the car take me wherever,
Without the slightest of care,
I let the road slip behind me,
And you remained here,
While I was there,
So far from you and the sun,
And its moon,
And the sea.

I had no thought of what to do,
So I cut myself with words,
And I let them bleed,
And bleed.
Not a soul could erase them,
They remained engraved within the year,
I moved the ones who read them,
As the shivered in fear,
And wept salty tears.

And even though we slipped through my fingers,
Staining my palms,
You still remained close and you sang me,
Your song.

You brought me back to face time and its keeper,
You reminded me that love makes you stronger,
Not weaker.

So I took a trip to see a tree,
With glorious lights,
So much greater than me;

I could almost hear the angels sing,
But than I told myself,
There’s no such thing.

But who am I to say,
That God does not decide,
The things we become,
Just before the day we die?

Who am I to call the dreams and schemes,
Of all the demons at play,
Are faked to make the bible,
Just home for the lost to stay?

The car in which I ride,
Finally arrives,
And I meet my doctor,
For the first time,
In such a long while,
He tells me not to die so young,
Kid, you’re still just a child.

Hi, Spideypoolers!

After almost 3 years, I am forced to close this blog. I can no longer give it the attention and time I gave it before and which it deserves: I need to focus on my family matters and my interests and fandoms have changed, as some of you might have noticed.

Spideypool still holds a big part of my heart and I will probably continue writing fics about it on my personal blog, but I won’t be recommend stories nor find them anymore. I won’t delete the blog, so the archive, list, and answered questions will remain available for everyone, but from today I am officially ‘stepping down’.

Thank you all so much for the support and love you showed during these years and especially during these last, hard months! The Spideypool fandom has been one of the fandoms I most put myself into and I met many wonderful and beautiful people thanks to it. All your stories, fanarts, videos, and creations are stunning and I am so happy to have taken part in it! Answering your questions, recommending you stuff and finding what you needed was so much fun and it made me feel useful and good for something; I hope that you will continue reading the fics, as well as writing them and giving the fandom more gorgeous stories to read.

Maybe one day the blog will reopen - for now, goodbye and keep on being awesome!

Thank you again!


“Sir I am so sorry but- I don’t know what to do.” Clary gasped almost hyperventaling as she left the apartment. Tears were pouring from the fifteen year olds eyes and she couldn’t stop herself from shaking. “I- it’s a long story but this man broke into my house and took my mom. They let everything on fire. I’m all alone- My house is burning and I am scared I am next. I know it’s not your fault but something is seriously wrong. They killed dot too!”

tbh episode 5 was literally the best episode. did you see how close these boys are? it’s so freaking touching how they reacted when they found out namjoon had to go back to korea because of his passport, they were like brothers on that ship, having fun and laughing like there was no tomorrow. i honestly felt touched by this episode, i almost teared up by seeing how close they are. they really REALLY love each other, they are like a family. that’s the kind of content i am proud to get as a true fan, up and downs but they never stop loving each other. this is the best thing a fan could ask.

We are broken" he said. There was no trace of emotion in his voice, a fact spoken, not to be argued or debated. 
“But we can fix this. I know we can!” I was almost screaming, the emotion pouring out of me like a waterfall. The question kept running through my mind - How do you fix something that’s broken? 
You invest your time into picking up the pieces and fixing them into place. 
But he had placed his hands on the car door handle and was beginning to open the door.
“ Am I not even worth trying? I asked, tears burning like acid as they fell down my face.
I’ll never forget his final words, the words he spoke as the door closed.
—  M.C.E I wasn’t even worth a fight.
“Is he really like that?” - Yoongi Scenario - Part 11

Part 1 x Part 2 x Part 3 x Part 4 x Part 5 x Part 6 x Part 7 x Part 8 x Part 9 x Part 10

After a short while you got back with the blanket and the pillow, beautifully setting them on the couch.

“You know you can take my bed if you want to. You’re in more pain than I am.” You told him sitting on a chair.

“You know I won’t. Just go to sleep and watch out with that arm. Call me if you need any help or if it still hurts. We’ll go immediately to the hospital. Got it?” He told you sitting on the couch and shooing you towards your room.

You smiled and nodded and as soon as you reached your room, the little smile plastered on your face turned into bitter tears you could not hold back anymore.

You closed the door behind you and you started pacing around your room, your steps almost leaving holes into your floor. You didn’t know what to think, you didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know how to take care of this situation.

You knew you loved him, you were sure of that. Your heart was beating harshly against your chest, ready to pop out and jump into his hands, ready to be his forever, but it hurt and it hurt a lot. You were not sure about him, nothing about him seemed true anymore. He was there tonight, he saved you, once again, he took care of you and his whole attention was on you and your well-being, but… there was something bothering you, this strange feeling of both confusion and pain. Thinking again about these few days, you tried to analyze everything. That guy attacked you, Jimin saved you, then Yoongi came out of nowhere and took care of you, making you feel safe the whole night, then everything seemed fine, Natalie was out of your view and Yoongi’s eyes seemed to see only you, but then again, something had to happen. She called him, he forgot about everything and went to “save” her, he didn’t come back and the next time you saw him was the next day at the company. Meanwhile, Jimin was the one next to you, making you smile a little again. It was not enough, though. Your mind was only on Yoongi, asking millions of questions about him, craving his presence, craving him. As if the confusion he made you go through was not enough, he decides to be extra jealous of Jimin and fight for the stupidest reasons. You didn’t mean to get that mad, but you just couldn’t stand this whole situation anymore, it was driving you insane. But then again the unexpected happens. That stranger shows up again, this time trying to break into your house, but thanks God Yoongi was there and saved you from the nightmare that could happen. You were really thankful for what he had done, for how he had protected you and took care of you, for how he was simply there. And now that you thought about it again, what was he doing there in the first place? His excuse didn’t sound convincing enough. Ah, another question he makes you ask yourself. Everything about him was slowly turning into a big question.

How were you supposed to handle all of this? The only thing you could be sure of was that you loved him wholeheartedly, despite everything he had done, but a one-sided love can never be enough. From the way he acts when he’s only with you, from the words he says, he makes you think that he loves you, just as much as you love him, but then the other stories come out and everything turns blurry again. If only he could say what he truly feels, what goes through his mind, if only he could do that, all of this could be finally solved. If he told you he loved you and only you, no Natalie included, you wouldn’t waste any second and you would just jump on him, sighing in both relief and joy, but he just stays silent, letting you imagine everything on your own, excepting the truth, the truth that he keeps hiding, the truth he’s too afraid to say.

All of this pacing, all of these questions, all of this mystery, why is all of this so hard to fix? Why can’t everything just fall into place? Why? You asked yourself as you leaned down the door’s cold wood, painful tears conquering both of your cheeks, leaving them all puffy and wet.

You used your sleeves to wipe them away, but they just kept on coming, leaving no place for you to stop them. You had no control over them anymore and your sobs came soon after. They were getting louder and harder to slow down. Your vision was all blurry right now and your voice started to crack. You were a crying mess on the floor of your room. You looked around you desperately, instinctively searching for help, for salvation, but your room was filled with darkness and emptiness. You were alone. You hugged your little figure and buried your face into your knees, soaking your jeans with endless tears. Why was everything so hard? Who would’ve thought you could become such a mess because of a boy you loved? Sad how love can change our lives forever.

Back to the equally messed up boy, he remained silent on the couch and stared at the floor, images of you and Jimin running through his mind. That was the place he was supposed to watch movies with you on, the place you two were supposed to cuddle, tickle and laugh until your voices would break and your stomachs would hurt, but there he was, on this specific place, finally letting his tears run free, just as yours. The same guilt was back. Actually, it never left. It was right there, eating his soul and destroying every inch of his being. He cursed himself for being so weak and such a coward, but then he remembered the reason for acting like this. He thought he didn’t deserve you, he thought you would be better off without him, but yet he couldn’t let you go. He knew he was a poison, but he wanted the two of you to die together.

He got up and walked around the living room, looking at the pictures hung on the walls, pictures of you, of your past, of your smile through the years. Your smile, how he missed it, how he wished he was not the cause for its loss. He then went into the kitchen and sit at the table for a few minutes. He closed his eyes and his mind went back to all the meals you had cooked for him through these past few months and how your cheeks would get all red when he complimented your food, making your heart jump in happiness.

He missed your happiness, he missed the joy you would make him feel every time he saw you. The joy was still there though, his heart would bump even faster at the sight of you, but every beat of it would come with a killing piece of guilt.

It was tearing him apart, it was eating him alive, yet he still didn’t have the courage to do the right thing. Maybe he didn’t even know what was the right thing to do.

He wanted to feel you close again, so he softly walked up the stairs and gently sit down at your door, leaning his tired back on it, being in the same position as you.

In less than a second he could hear your sobs, his heart shattering again and again with each and every one of them. He touched your door and for a moment he could’ve sworn he felt your trembling. His tears intensified, his vision becoming as blurry as yours. He started throwing punches at his bruised chest, internally cursing himself for what he had done to the both of you.” I shouldn’t have entered her life in the first place. If only I didn’t come again that day, if only I just minded my own business and left her alone, none of this would’ve happened. This is all my fault. She’s like this because of me and my stupidity. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve caused you, Kat, I’m sorry. I hate myself just as much as you hate me right now. I swear I’ll make it up to you. If I can’t make you happy, I’ll  make myself just as miserable. I really hope you will be able to find someone that can make you as happy as you deserve. Anyone would be better than me. I promise I’ll protect you forever, but for your own good, I won’t get close again. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” He told himself as he slowly moved his hand across the wood, searching for you.

He lied on the hallway’s floor, his hand never leaving the door and he closed his eyes, his tears still falling merciless. His sobs were there too, but luckily for him, they were silent, just like the emptiness in his broken soul. His heart was calling for you, hurting him even more, demanding your touch. He crawled into a fetus position and buried his face into his hands, letting his fingers torture his hair. Little did he know he already was as miserable as you were.

Three little words could’ve changed all of this, but that’s what happens when you’re too scared to fight.

He fell asleep after your cries stopped and he woke up early in the morning with a killer aching all over his body, both from the fight and the tears.

He got up from there and came back to the living room. He looked around and hugged the blanket you gave him, imagining the touch you left on it, on his skin. He held it tight against his chest before he left your house, looking one last time behind.

“I’ll make sure you won’t get hurt because of me again. I hope you’ll find someone good for you, Kat, my guilty love.” He said and stepped out of your house, his heart aching just as much as it did before.

You woke up hours later, still on your floor. Both your head and arm were hurting from what happened, so you weakly got up, almost losing your balance, but you grabbed onto the door’s handle and you shook your head, bringing yourself back to reality.

You went into the bathroom and stared at your own reflection for a few moments, moving your hand across the dark circles under your eyes, scared by the color they changed into. The deep grey was surrounded by a vivid red.

You washed your face a little and then changed your bruise’s bandage with a clean one. It still hurt a lot, but luckily enough for you, he didn’t get to cut you too deep, so you were going to be fine soon.

You changed your clothes and went down into the living room, expecting to find a sleeping Yoongi, but he was nowhere to be found. You called out his name a few times, but you got no reply back. You sit on your couch and grabbed the blanket he was supposed to cover himself with and hugged it tightly, getting lost in his beautiful cologne. Despite the sweat, he was still smelling heavenly.

You thought he went back to his house or straight to the company, so you didn’t call him to ask where he went. You were right, well, almost right. He did go home to change, but before that he walked around smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes. No one thought he would go back to them after you came into his life, but now that he said his “goodbye”, he went back to his old and broken self. After he changed into some clean clothes he left for the company, not caring at all about his wounds or physical pain. He didn’t care about anything right now, except you. You were the only one on his mind right now and from now on.

He arrived at the company before everyone else, so he turned on the music and felt prey to the rhythm, moving his body merciless and against any pain. He wanted to forget, he wanted to pay, so he was going to punish himself the same way he always does: overworking himself until he reaches his limits and collapses just to get up and do it again.

You lazily moved your body around your house, but nothing seemed right. You couldn’t eat, you couldn’t cook for the boys, you couldn’t even relax without feeling the urge to cry again, so you did, you cried and cried until you fell asleep again on your couch, with your head on his pillow, your arms still holding onto that blanket. You let his smell lull you to sleep, creating your own scenarios with him being there, hugging you from behind and whispering reassuring words into your ears until you felt safe. That didn’t last long, because the nightmares were there too.

“No, let him go, LET HIM GO, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO OR WITH ME, BUT PLEASE LET HIM GO. IT’S ME WHO YOU WANT, NOT HIM. NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOONGI, NO!” You yelled and suddenly got up from the couch, finally waking up from that sleeping hell. It was that stranger again, attacking you and Yoongi, holding a knife against his neck, testing its sharpness, leaving traces of blood behind. You were all soaked in sweat, so you went and took a shower. The hot water felt terrible on your cut, but you felt too powerless to do anything, so you just stood there, letting the boiled water run across your skin, burning every piece of it. Eventually you turned it off and got out of there, changing into new clothes.

You felt too tired to see the boys today, so you texted Jin and told him you were not feeling too well and you could not cook for them today. He got worried and volunteered to visit you and take care of you, but you turned down his offer. There was no way you would let him see you like this. You could’ve said that to Jimin instead of Jin, but you felt too guilty and ashamed to talk to him after what happened the other day. He was scolded and got into a fight with one of his best friends because of you. You didn’t want to cause any problem again.

You remained silent on your couch, drowned in your thoughts again. You felt tired and sleepy, but you were afraid that the nightmares would come back, so you made yourself a coffee with your last powers and turned on the TV. Nothing interesting, the same old shows, the same old stories. It was not helping your state, so you turned it off and you just lied there, staring at the ceiling and wishing everything would get better soon.

Jimin was concerned about you and he wanted to come and make sure you were okay, but Jin stopped him, telling him you needed your space and time, so he listened to his older friend, but he still couldn’t help worrying about you, especially because all of this chaos lasted more than a week.

He still held the secret, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone, so he decided to keep it for himself until the right time came.

These days were a living hell for Yoongi and everyone who got to see him. He was dancing until he could no longer breathe, he didn’t talk to any of the boys, totally ignoring everything around him, he ate only dinner and only the things you used to cook for him, he smoked endless cigarettes until his lungs could no longer take it and he ended up coughing, he overworked himself at his fullest and he still managed to wake up every day just to torture himself some more. He made a promise, though, that he would still protect you and he kept it. He came every night in front of your house, just like he used to and stayed silent in the darkness till the morning came and he had to go back to practice.

He came back to the hiatus he went through months ago because of Natalie. He never thought he would get back to that after he met you, but we never know what life has prepared for us. The only difference was that now he was blaming himself, he was mad at himself and he was the cause for everything. Who would’ve thought he would go through this again? Maybe this was a barrier he had to pass, a price he had to pay for his love finally being strong and loud enough for you to hear.

These days were a living hell for you too. You couldn’t find any place to rest, you couldn’t bring yourself to eat more than two spoons or sleep more than 2 hours straight. The lack of him was destroying you. You missed him more than everything and you wished he would just come and knock on your door, look you in the eyes and kiss you like there’s no tomorrow, but no one came. You waited and waited, but nothing happened.

You had a lot of texts from both Jimin and Jin, but you only replied to them from time to time just to stop them from coming to see you. The last thing you wanted was for them to pity you or pick another fight between them. You hoped things got better without you being there and causing another problem, but things were the same, maybe even worse. Jimin and Yoongi didn’t exchange any words, Yoongi being completely oblivious to Jimin’s killer stare, blaming him for your current state and everything that happened.

Yoongi was practicing as always, but as his tiredness and lack of sleep and food started to show their effect on him, he collapsed and fell on the floor, causing the other members to surround him and try to pick him up, but he opened his eyes before they could call an ambulance and he stopped them, claiming that he was fine.

You started feeling bad for the way you acted towards the two boys, so you decided to call them this time, not just send simple and meaningless texts, so you chose Jimin as the first one.

“Ah, noonaa, you’re finally calling. How are you? Are you okay? Do you want me to come over? Is anything I can do to make you feel better?” Jimin’s voice was higher than usual, as it always got when he was worried and this time he was extremely worried about you. You didn’t come out of your house for days. You just stood there in complete silence.

“Jimin, relax, I’m fine, I’m just taking my time, don’t worry.” You fake laughed, but Jimin noticed the way your voice cracked with every word, he knew that voice and now he was sure you’d been crying and suffering for the last few days.

“Okay, noona, but please take care of you and come visit us soon. We miss you, especially me.” He laughed too, trying to convince you your lie worked, but he was no idiot, he could even see your pale face and weak hand holding onto the phone, still wiping away the tears left on your face.

“I will, I will. I have to go now, my food is burning.” You lied and as soon as you heard his “Okay, bye.” You hung up and sighed in relief. His teeth were clenched and he held tightly onto his phone, fighting the urge of breaking it. He was outside the practice room the moment you called; he didn’t want Yoongi to hear or know about your call. The moment he came back was the one Yoongi fell on the floor. He froze in his spot and watched the whole scene from where he was.

When the older boy got up and wanted to go back to practicing Jimin couldn’t take it anymore. Both of you were fighting and suffering on your own, destroying each other and he just had had enough. He’s not messing only his life up, but yours too.

“Yah, hyung, won’t you just stop, please?! It’s enough!” Jimin yelled, feeling so done with his friend’s attitude.

Yoongi ignored him and got closer to the laptop to change the song to one that would make him move even faster. Jimin slapped his arm and forced him to look him in the eyes.

“If you are going to hurt yourself, at least make sure you are the only one in this state. Don’t bring innocent ones along with you.” His voice was sharp and it was getting on Yoongi’s nerve.

“What are you talking about? Why do you even care?” Yoongi spit the words with his special attitude, trying to act all tough.

“Because noona is affected too, maybe even more! Have you even tried to call her and see how she feels? If you didn’t love her, you should have at least left her alone.” Jimin’s words were like knives and they were doing their job damn well.

“You better shut your mouth before I make it happen myself. Don’t you dare mention my love for her. I love her with every fiber inside of me, I love her so much that I can’t even breathe, so don’t you dare talk about love in front of me, got it?” He got closer, sending warnings through his dark eyes.

“If you love her that much, why haven’t you done anything for her?! Why haven’t you proven your love?! Why haven’t you fought for her and her heart?! Why did you let all of these horrible things happen to her?! Tell me hyung, why?!” Jimin’s screams made Yoongi freeze in his spot and just narrow his brows even more.

“Because I was fucking scared! If you were her, would you love someone like me!? Or if you were me, would you think you deserve someone like her!? I don’t want her to be with someone as bad as me. She deserves more and better than this! Forgive me for wanting her good.” Yoongi tried to explain everything and he also let his feelings slip this way.

“Well, scared or not, you should’ve at least control your mad ex-girlfriend. Did you know she was the one telling that guy to do all of those things to Kat?!” Jimin’s anger was taking over his actions and little did he know that you were on the phone with Jin and you heard his last statement.


And it’s heeere. This is sadder than usual, you can see how bad my days have been haha XD I’m sorry once again for being this late, but I got a big ass writer block because of some not so kind events and I couldn’t write a thing until today, I’m so so so sorry :(


We’ve already had a handful of WRs so far but this one was really something special. Katinka Hosszu broke Ariana Kukors’ “unbeatable” suited 200IM record by 0.03 and promptly burst into tears (I nearly did too! Sob!).

A 2.06 is insane by any stretch, but a 2.06.12 is crackers. Here’s how she did it (Ariana’s 2009 splits in brackets):

Fly 27.30 (27.72)
Back 31.64 (31.52)
Breast 36.70 (37.07)
Free 30.48 (29.84)

It was the breaststroke leg that really made the difference, with Siobhan and Kanako pushing her (it was almost close at around 125m), but keeping enough energy for the free leg (she’s definitely learned from her 400 at Euros last year).

I am in total awe of her.