i am a very exciting individual

One of my greatest fears in dating is or was that I would hurt the individuals for whatever reason. Probably because I know what I want in a relationship generally speaking (no, I am not going to explain in detail.)

Additionally, part of who I am as a Scorpio and INFJ individual is that I tend to hold people at a “surface friendship” not letting them in deep to the core of me. For sharing my journal of my journey so publicly, I am a very private person. (Isn’t that just a contradiction).

With some people I meet, it is an easy ship passing in the night. But, with others, they slip through my shields or defensive walls. In those cases, I love easily and intensely the whole being. But, it is rare.

I hadn’t thought of how much this experience, although exciting, beautiful, and necessary, would potentially hurt me.

In the past, I would immerse myself in safety of just locking Everyone out. But, that isn’t healthy; that is stagnation and death. I have a lot to give and deserve to honor and acknowledge my needs and desires. I too matter. My needs too matter and I deserve to have happiness.

Truly, happiness is in the Journey. It is found within. But, we are designed to love and support one another, not live in a vacuum. Therefore, mourn this momentary loss. Get up and try again.

Please know, I may not be able to respond to messages right now. I need to heal and recharge. Yes, I am OK. Sure send a picture of flowers, horses, beautiful scenery, or do something kind for another.


in lieu of my pop culture project today, it only seems fitting to share this piece inspired by my sister and her very-soon-to-be husband instead.

i know i’ve posted so much about the wedding, but i can’t help it. i am so excited about everything having to do with this day!

i am so full of emotion but mostly i am overwhelmingly happy for these two; incredible people as individuals, and such a wonderful couple together. i love them both very much and seeing my sister so i’m love is just the best.

send good thoughts for a beautiful day for my seester, please! hair and make up soon & then we’re doing this thing!!

Utapri 6th Stage & Return from hiatus

Hello everyone!!! After a very LONG disappearance, I am now going to be continously active for the next month or so. queue Camus slide in

During the many inactive months I have been getting my life put together in order to see and do amazing new things that I look forward to sharing with every one of you. 

Many exciting new posts are planned for this blog including a report of this month’s 6th stage that I will be attending with @aishiteruitsumo6 ! Hopefully as well as a few other utapri related surprises so please stay tuned and a thank you to you individuals who have stuck around through my inactiveness. I send you lots of love <3

Also!!! If anybody else will be attending the live this month then I would sure love to meet up with you! so feel free to contact me ^^

People may say a lot of negative things about Sara, and I honestly don’t know how. I am very lucky to have met her on multiple occasions, and each time is exciting, liberating and heart filling in different ways. Sara is a genuine person, a kind individual who truly cares about us, who cares about the impact she’s making and is far from fake. I hope all of you get the chance to meet her, because when she looks at you, hugs you and listens to you, she really makes you feel like you matter and that is so important. 

a letter to c-ute

it’s june 12 in japan, so this is as part of the c-ute 12 days challenge that i never finished because i was too busy with life (i’m so sorry), but i love c-ute and wanted to write this nonetheless. 

dear ºc-ute,

I could talk endlessly about the tremendous impact ºC-ute has left on the idol industry and world of jpop. You’ve done so much, having risen from a small indies unit to one of the most well known idol groups of this generation. But anyone who is reading this post probably knows about the great things you’ve done. Both others and myself have already spoken about your impact and talent quite much. Today I don’t want to speak about ªC-ute’s impact on the idol world, because I am not the idol world. I want to speak about your impact on me.

The first time I watched a ºC-ute video, I can still recall the feeling even after multiple years. Ooki Ai de Motenshite creeped me out at first, not going to lie, but despite the fact that I couldn’t understand why the kids were so young, the song’s pure level of just happiness cheered me up. And so it snowballed: I watched more videos, listened to more songs, did some research, learned names. I became the ºC-ute, idol, and jpop fan I am today. 

I first found ºC-ute during a time in my life where I was not so happy. I was younger, I was in school. ºC-ute’s songs, performances and personality not only were great and amazing to watch, they made me happy. ºC-ute were like older sisters to my younger self. And now I’m older with a happier state of life in general, yet Maimi, Nacky, Airi, Chissa and Maimai still cheer me up nonetheless and bring light into my life. 

Cheering people up, that’s one of the main goals of idols, right? Lots of idols cheer me up, but ºC-ute were the ones that made me the happiest. 

And you know what, despite the disbandment, you still make me the happiest. I cannot bring myself to say ºC-ute was, I have to say ºC-ute is. Because doesn’t “is” work? ºC-ute is talented, ºC-ute is wonderful. ºC-ute is my favorite group. ºC-ute is something that makes me happy. Even though ºC-ute’s activities have ended, this statements are all still true for me. 

ºC-ute may graduate, but you have not disappeared. The five girls who I adore so much, all they’ve done in the past 12 years is still here for us to enjoy. My idols may graduate but my love for them does not. What ºC-ute has done for me, and and what ºC-ute has for other fans, that does not disappear. 

It is undeniable that today’s graduation makes me sad, and that I’ll be suffering from “ºC-uteloss” from quite a while. However, it comforts me to know that this is for the benefit of the you girls, you’re pursuing their own interests. After all the happiness you have brought me and will continue to bring me, it is more than fair to let you go, and chase after what will make you happy. I’m very excited to see you do well in your individual careers, and I’m even more excited to support each one of you in whatever you do from now on.

Now I say this to fellow fans as well, but mainly I say it to myself, maybe as some sort of weird coping method or something, but today is a day to be more happy than sad. ºC-ute says goodbye, but I am sure it will be a beautiful goodbye. They’ll be standing on the stage of SSA, a stage they deserve and have worked for. Their concerts are always a great thing to watch and I doubt this will be any different.

I could focus on negative things. I could think about how I couldn’t be there at their final live, or any of their lives, or other sad things, but I choose not to. It’s the 12th year anniversary after all, along with the last day. It’s better fitting to reflect on all ºC-ute has done as a group, and what ºC-ute has done for me. You really did change my life, and I am eternally grateful for it.

with love and thanks,


parkboyy  asked:

what pisses me off the most is that people are comparing namjoons mixtape which has a less angrier vibe to it compared to yoongis.. theyre completely different styles yet very similar to the ear and people seem to like whats 'spitting the most fire'. if they really cared abt ot7 they wouldnt compare instead just say they didnt like this or that part of eithers mixtape and move on without going "CUZ __'s IS BETTER" and as excited i am for hobis im scared itll be the same for his. enjoyDONTCOMPARE

that’s what i’m saying,,,, like the messages, focus are different for both those mixtapes; as such, all mixtapes are really personal and about the sound and story the composer individually wants to convey are totally different !!!! and to compare…..,,, is literally the most divisive n crude thing you can do and i hate it so much !

@joltikhime Please don’t be sorry about your tags at all! Its a very good point. As much as I enjoy and am passionate about this ship, I’m far more invested in the characters as individuals. I’ve wondered about Blurr’s suspicions myself. I can’t really talk about how competent an agent he is one moment and then pretend he never had any doubts towards Longarm Prime the next. 

I’m actually very flattered that you reblogged that post, and I’m glad it was interesting enough that you had things to say regarding it, so thank you. <3

anonymous asked:

Do you have anything you like to do outside of art?

I must confess I am not a very exciting individual so my answer may bore you ^ ^; Being so introverted and quiet, I don’t get out much but I’ve been forcing myself to do more so.

But I do enjoy being outdoors, going on hikes when I can with friends or simply enjoying watching the clouds float on by or being dazzled by a sunset or starry sky.

Speaking of which, I’m currently getting into scenic photography and astrophotography having met some new friends in the field :D I would love to broaden my horizons when it comes to art and I would like to share some photography with people in the future! Traveling to new parts of the world would be very adventurous and exciting. The Earth is beautiful and I would like to capture some of her beauty.

I am also looking into sculpture, sewing, and making my own music - It’s good to learn new things and ways to express yourself.

Other things I enjoy are reading, doing puzzles (fun right? I knoooow), martial arts, dabbling in poetry, playing sports, or playing video games though I don’t play as much as I used to. Art takes away from a lot of things I used to do you know? So I keep to myself a lot of the time.

Much of my love for these things is probably influenced by my grandfather, who was the person I spent most time with as a child. He was rather quiet too and an artist, often surrounding himself with nature or calming stimuli. We spent many days together doing puzzles or sitting outside watching the birds go by or listening to the rain during monsoon season… I am just someone that enjoys the simple things in life.

Thank you for the ask :)


Hi babes! I have not posted anything for a while, please forgive me. I’ve been having a very exciting summer! I am interning in London, and happily, have been having an amazing time as well as been able to read a lot and eat in some very cool places. I’m gonna be posting every week from now on, with a round up of what I did in the week. The pictures here have been from the past two weeks. I will also be posting some individual pictures with more detail captions! See ya!!

Here is my completed commission for GALANGALS! I am so honored to have my work on the cover of the very first issue, and I’m very excited to see everyone else’s entries. I’m so happy to have been a part of this project, thank you so much. <3

GALANGALS! is an independent any literary and art zine for Southeast Asian womxn and non binary individuals accepting entries ranging from poetry, prose, journalistic pieces to visual art, illustration, drawings, photography, etc.! Deadline for submission is October 15! For more info contact @khinaye

Random Thoughts on Fi vs Fe

I’ve been having an interesting conversation with a (genuine, proven) INTP, who suspects I’m an NTP rather than an NFP due to various things. Since many questions I get relate to “am I NFP or NTP??”, I’m sharing a few highlights from our conversation:

As I have not asked his permission to quote him outside our conversation, I will sum up his thoughts thus:

Firstly, Fe-users are more expressive emotionally and “invested in the object,” unable to detach from it and therefore more likely to be touched by it and cry. He includes himself in this, since even as a child (and still as an adult) he tended to cry far more often than his INFP friend, who never cried. His wife, an ENFP, also rarely cries. Inward emotions. Detached from the situation at hand – sympathetic, but not empathetic in that the sadness of what is happening bleeds into them in the way it does a Fe-user, even a low-order Fe-user.

He does say that he is more Fe than many other INTPs, which just goes to prove that our functions dictate our brain process but not our behavior pattens. Another friend was unconvinced at first that he was an INTP himself due to his highly emotional state as a child. Bottom line is this: NTPs can often be much more externally emotional than INFPs.

(Look at Sherlock. No one doubt he’s a thinker and deals with life in a rational manner, but he’s also highly emotional… something his Fi-brother Mycroft doesn’t understand OR like much.)

Secondly, Fe-users are drawn to emotional arcs in stories. This definitely stood out to me when reading about ENTP childhood development – often, their favorite part of the movie is the most dramatic “reveal.” They will re-watch that scene again and again, and sometimes act it out. (I totally did this as a kid.) This is both due to their analytical interest in emotions and the excitement of feeling the receiving individual emote. This is very true for me. If a story has no deeply emotional arc, I abandon it. Didn’t fall in love with The 10th Kingdom until we found out who the queen was. Where other people say, “Oh my gosh, that’s TERRIBLE to do that to that character!” I go, “Oooh, a chance to explore their emotions through a difficult time!” The big emotional reveal is still my favorite part of any film – and I love to watch other people respond to it too. (I think my ISFJ friend is still slightly mad that I didn’t tell her about the twist at the end of Breaking Dawn Part 2, since I wanted to see her react to all the deaths. Hah!)

Everything I write has some grand, traumatic emotional reveal, ala “I am your father, Luke!” INTP says he’s the same way. But his ENFP wife isn’t like that. Her taste in drama is eclectic and random. We (INTP and I) both approach it from a “what message can we say through this story?” but her stories all have meaning because she’s writing them. No intended theme, no real goal, their writing just happens naturally. (Again, unlike mine. I’m always challenging moral concepts and asking my characters to overcome emotional roadblocks, because I find it fascinating to help them work through their feelings… Ti-Fe?)

Thirdly, Ne and Fe like to share their interests with others. NFPs are less this way. Their interests are personal and self-fulfilling so they have no real desire to connect through their interests with others.(I always get very excited when I encounter something new, or learn something new, and want to share it with others. I am devastated and get depressed if I can’t talk about what I love with other people who love it… or if I can talk about it, but only with people who don’t seek an objective perspective on it. Right now, I’m in a moody slump because none of my friends watch any of the same television shows I do; hence, I have no one to discuss them with. WAH!)

He says, “Fe and Ne … has this need to push it out… to share our interest, which is no small part of the annoying nerd stereotype, which I embody and my NTP cohorts do as well. NFPs do not have this trait…”

Thoughts to ponder, from someone who has an extensive knowledge of MBTI and interacts in real life with many different personality types.

  • First time actually getting an autograph session at RTX. I got one with Jordan&Maggie and Jon&Andy.
  • Super excited to meet all of them, but I have a question to those who have done sessions in the past.
  • 1) Is it just a bunch of us waiting in line to talk and get pictures n autographs with them.
  • 2.)Is someone else(say friend, etc) able to stand with you during the session to take said pictures or no because they dont have a ticket?

y'all gotta understand that not only am i excited for malec but i’m also excited for their own individual plot lines. they may spoil us with malec but it’s not always just magnus and alec they have their own problems and challenges they have to face alone but the great thing about this is that in the end of the day, they always have each other.


Happy Birthday, Frederick Austerlitz aka Fred Astaire! (10 May 1899 – ∞)

“I don’t think that I will plunge the nation into war by stating that Fred Astaire is the greatest tap-dancer in the world." -Robert Benchley.

    Undoubtedly, Fred Astaire was one of the most foremost entertainers of the 20th century. His ethereal dancing abilities and warm and charming screen presence – not to mention, his famous top hat, white tie, and tails, have cemented him in the annals of history as one of the greatest of all time.

    Nobody could have predicted Fred’s meteoric rise to fame and his status as a legend among cinemagoers. When he first arrived in Hollywood in the 1920’s for a screen test, the verdict, "Can’t act, slightly bald, also dances.” Fred later said that wretched screen test was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, and he simply wished that the ground would open up and swallow him. So, he went back to Broadway, with his talented older sister, Adele, until she retired in 1932. Fred returned to Hollywood in 1933 – where he was signed on by David O. Selznick.

    RKO wasted no time in putting him to work on their latest musical film, which was called Flying Down to Rio. Most importantly, they paired Fred with Ginger – the same Ginger Rogers he had choreographed for (and fallen for) when she was in New York in 1930. Thus, the legendary Astaire/Rogers partnership was born, which was what skyrocketed both dancers to fame. Fred and Ginger built each other up and treated each other as equals – all the while working tirelessly to achieve the high standards that their dances have now become famous for.

    More than that, though, Fred had a burning desire to establish a solo career for himself, and so, he struck out and did it. He was a man who was determined; who knew how to get what he wanted, and a man who stopped at nothing short of perfection. And while it has often been said that Hollywood corrupts people, Fred remained modest, down-to-earth, and polite to everyone he met. (After the filming of Shall We Dance, the extras on the set got together and wrote a letter to the studio head, praising Fred and saying how nice he was.)

    Fred’s screen image is very familiar to generations of movie-watchers – witty, funny, always ready to launch into song and dance – and that speaks volumes about the influence and legacy that he has left for himself. Of a true entertainer, of a talented individual of an almost deity-like status, whose mind stayed firmly on trying to improve himself, with each and every passing moment.

Every Clean Speech - Tampa, Florida

“Every single person in this audience is lit up, did you notice that? So everybody’s illuminated, which means that I can see – and everybody on stage – we can all see all 55,000 of you here tonight. And that’s… it’s so much more exciting for us to be able to look out and not just see, like, an endless sea of darkness. It’s like every single are lit up, and it’s like you’re playing for 55,000 individuals. And I know that we have, um… we have a lot people here that live around Tampa, Florida. Am I correct in thinking that? But also I’ve been online, and I’ve seen that a lot of people travelled a very, very long distance to make it here tonight. Thank you and thank you, to both… both groups. It’s so exciting, because what you’ve done is you come together to amass this super crowd of new people who haven’t been to Tampa before and people who are from Tampa. It’s all very lovely. I like it a lot. And, um, you know, it’s so much fun to be able to go online, and check in with you, and see who’s coming to the show, and who’s getting ready, and what you’re wearing for Halloween, and stuff like that, because, honestly, being able to keep in touch with you is my favourite part of this whole technology thing that has happened in 2015 where we’re just… we’re so close to each other to be able to reach out and see what you’re doing. My least favourite part of the whole technology thing is that if I’m checking in on you and seeing a picture you posted, which I do all the time on Instagram and, like, Tumblr, and Twitter, and stuff. I will sometimes check in and I’ll see that you posted a picture, and I’ll… I’ll see a comment underneath it that says something incredibly thoughtless, and mean, and rude that somebody just left on your picture. And I know that that comment probably ruined your day. And I think the worst part about 2015 is that somebody can ruin your day anonymously without having to take ownership, and without having to look at your face when you see it. So it’s probably happened to every single one of us here – you know, reading something terrible that we wish we… we wish we hadn’t seen. It’s hard to get those voices out of your head once they’re in there, but, um, the last 10 years… I’d say the last couple of years, my favourite thing that I’ve learnt is that we are not the opinion of people who don’t know us or care about us. And, you know, when people say things to us and they stick in our minds, it’s almost like… it’s almost like they’ve got these insecurities painted all over us, cause now we carry those everywhere we go. But the minute you can learn to block out what people who don’t care about you say – to or about you, in front of you or behind your back – is the moment that you look in the mirror and, all of a sudden, you don’t see those things written all over you anymore, and you don’t feel like other people think that about you anymore. And in that moment, Tampa, you’re clean.” (x)

Visual Culture

One of the papers I’m taking this year is Visual Culture, or as one of my lecturers has defined it, ‘how seeing functions’. 

If I’m being completely honest, I first chose the paper because I wanted to toss aside books of Romantic poetry and study paintings instead (and for an essay I’m studying Botticelli, yay 🎉)… but little did I know that I had actually always been emotionally invested in the study of Visual Culture.

Two weeks ago, I tentatively made the suggestion of an idea that I had for an essay to my supervisor. I had no clue whether this thing had any potential or anything, but I remember thinking that I wanted to bring my own, personal experiences and therefore opinions to the paper. So, what did this idea entail, I hear you cry? 

Blogging. Profiles. The Self.

I have accounts on most main social media sites (e.g. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr). I’m not alone in this at all - in fact most people I know are on these sites - but that is precisely my point. I occupy a small fragment of the vast, virtual world of the Internet…. I occupy a ‘space’. This ‘space’ is essentially shown to me & others via pixels on a flat screen. I can then perceive other people’s small fragments and compare them, perhaps connect them, to my own. Is it not interesting that what we ‘see’ when we view a profile comes to represent that which we assume is real (i.e. another person/life)? This may not make much sense, but I’m basically telling you my perspective as a person scrolling through Instagram/Tumblr on my phone. And it was these two social media sites that interested me the most.

Although the Photograph has been said to contain a trace of the ‘real’ - something other artistic medias such as painting do not - we have also all heard, as citizens of the 21st Century, the common phrase that a person’s Instagram life is not their ‘real’ life. And to this we think, well…duh(!). It’s common knowledge that usually people only post photographs they feel look good, or ones they think will express a superior part of their life, because this is the part which adheres to the culturally constructed ideas of ‘beauty’ and ‘taste’. But I’m not interested in this ‘why’, more interested in the effect. Before I say anymore, I thought I’d specify that the kinds of Instagram profiles I’m interested in looking at (literally) here are those that are – or so we think they are - focused on material objects. You will recognise the ones: you go onto an Instagram profile, where the image of a hand with an expensive watch on the wrist lies next to an image of the body shown in a ‘mirror pic’, the head is cut off from the frame and our first focus lies on the expensive suit. The next image shows slick shoes, worn on the feet of…who? Well, the faceless blogger, of course. This person intrigues me, but I couldn’t give a damn who they are. I’m more interested in wanting to find out what they’ve done to the representation of the human body in the arrangement of such an Instagram profile. The fragmentation of the body when I visit these pages feels harsh to me. For me, their Instagram page is not purely a show of economic surplus or capitalist culture; I think there’s something more to be said, and I’m wanted to use Visual Culture – ‘how seeing functions’ – to say it as the viewer.

Tumblr is different. The blogs I am interested in talking about are those that feature photographs mostly taken by other people, collated to form something we have come to acknowledge as an ‘#aestheticgoal’. I’m not going to go into theories of aesthetics because this just isn’t relevant here – ‘aesthetic’ in the social media sense is essentially ‘taste’. But in any case, the impression bloggers on Tumblr are presenting is that of an even less ‘real’ … the people we assume lie behind these blogs aren’t even trying to construct an image of themselves, instead a persona for who they ‘ideally’ wish to be. The imaginative inhabitation of – say – an image of a New York apartment is something we can experience on this site, next to the #goals of an image of a bikini-clad model at the beach. I’m interested in how this juxtaposition of images plays out in our perception as viewers, and what kind of effects this kind of viewing experience has.

This is where my idea gets quite personal. I’m not going to get personal in my essay because it wouldn’t be relevant, but I think my feelings are relevant to the efficacy of this blog post. Thinking back to my first experiences of Tumblr and Instagram as a teenage girl, I must admit I consistently reblogged and liked photographs of unattainable #bodygoals and #relationshipgoals. I’ve just been reading an essay by Rosalind Coward called, ‘The Look’ in preparation for a seminar tomorrow, and I’ve actually (usefully) been able to link it to my ideas for this social media essay. Her essay made me feel… uneasy. Not because I disagreed, but because I actually felt an affinity with the conclusion. Her essay basically (I’m being extremely general here) describes the circulation of images of the female in society, and the effect these images have on women. What is usually seen to be the ‘Narcissus’ stage of woman’s life (i.e. the woman-child stage), where the woman ‘identifies’ with these ‘ideal’ images surrounding her, turns out to be an identification laden with discontent, namely because the woman cannot see herself in the image of herself presented. Coward concludes the essay by saying that these images create an anxiety: if we cannot become the ‘image’ presented, if we cannot prune ourselves to ‘perfection’ through dieting, buffing, bronzing, waxing, etc… then we will, ultimately, face the future as unloved.

Reading this essay now, I can see that the idea of being unloved because you cannot attain the ‘ideal’ look is a false notion, but it is 100% something I have felt and do still sometimes feel. I no longer follow blogs that promote these kinds of images, I also no longer follow the profiles of those who are said to represent society’s ‘body goals’ on Instagram - not because I do not like who these people are (I like to think every person in and of themselves is lovely) but because I have been exposed to the images of these women in the past, and it is these images that have affected my perception of my self. The images of these real women that have been taken with the ‘ideal’ in mind is the problem. By unfollowing, I am choosing not to expose myself to the images any more than society dictates I have to via billboards or other forms of cultural media you see walking through the street … therefore I feel like I can begin to cultivate a certain comfort in the skin I am in.

I’m actually quite nervous for the seminar tomorrow, as I would not feel comfortable taking about my own experiences as a teenage girl and even as a woman in front of 25 people, no matter how useful it may be. However I need to say here that exposure to an ‘ideal’ definitely played a part in my issues surrounding mental health. There were days, weeks even, where I wouldn’t leave the house because I felt too ugly to expose myself to the world. This sounds melodramatic now, but it’s actually fucking serious. And it makes me angry. In 2013 I cancelled a trip to Barcelona with friends on the day I was supposed to leave because I thought I was too fat and too pale to enjoy myself, and I was terrified of the photographs. I measured myself by the societal ‘standards’ handed to me on a plate in the form of social media such as Tumblr/Instagram. I’m not saying there is fundamentally anything wrong with having an account (I’d be the definition of a hypocrite if I did), but I do find the effect exposure to such images can have interesting – even in the instantaneous effect of scrolling past something. 

Which brings me to the last interest I had: the difference in experiencing Tumblr/Instagram real-time on a feed, to experiencing individual pages. This to me seemed to have very different effects. We scroll, we like, we move on. But a profile with a collection of images calls for more contemplation, more judgement. And it will be interesting to see where this goes. 

In any case – two weeks ago I pitched my idea to my supervisor, expecting to be shot down. Instead he was really excited. And so am I.  

- Sarah (or, the woman who made the image below monochrome because I think it ‘looks good’ … I’m conforming to certain standards, but I’m also showing an image of my ‘self’ I wish to present. It may not be the ‘real’ me, but in a world which is in itself virtual, it may suffice as a trace of reality attempting to provide a somewhat genuine account of my life.) 


I started these at 11AM this morning, and good lord, I’m finally done. I’ve just purchased both pillow cases from ArtsCow to see the quality. I’ve combed through reviews and all I see are five stars, so I am very excited to have them come in the mail. Oi!! And they now accept paypal, too, so I can make purchases for interested individuals.

Let’s see, what else… The pillow cases are huge, maybe a quarter of a pillow larger than a full body one, and are printed on a silky material. They run for about $29.99, and are around $39.99 when you tack on shipping. If ya want one or two lemme know. We can work out a reasonable price.

yogilovelocs  asked:

Question: How are you enjoying Med School? What are you future aspirations? How will you use your expensive education (lol) to contribute to this world?

Hi there!

I really like this question since it’s a good change of pace from the usual ones about GPAs and extracurriculars etc. that I get, so thanks for asking, luvcloud99! Sometimes I feel like a bit of a broken record answering those aforementioned questions (not that I mind—I remember what it was like being a premed. I just need to take a page out of Ladykay’s book and make a nice, organized FAQ section). 

As for how medical school is going, that’s a bit of a loaded question. Any med student can tell you that life during med school is just plain weird.

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We’re told by our deans and preceptors that we are in the top 1% of the country in terms of achievement and intelligence (eh maybe…experience with our past profs. makes me think that the physicists and biochemists are probably much smarter). We’ve passed every test, climbed every mountain of applications, dutifully recorded hundreds of volunteer and shadowing hours, and have found ourselves among a supposedly elite group of peers. 

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Some of them will be among the most brilliant, genuine, kind-hearted, and inspiring individuals you will ever meet. You spend 15 minutes with them and you just know that they are going to be incredible doctors, and you’d trust them with your life or that of a loved one (once they have their MD and have finished their training of course!)

For me, the academic side has been better than the social side of things. This was only amplified by the events of this past summer and crumbling of my prior social support system (parents are too absorbed in their own divorce issues and then there’s the ex-bf of 3 years), so you could say my med school career got off to a very rough start.

I guess I came into medical school expecting (and excited) to be surrounded by like-minded individuals, but it turns out that med school is just as diverse in personality and maturity level as any regular high school or college is. Which is fine but comes with its perks and caveats like anything else. 

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I am a nerdy, thin-skinned and generally kind-hearted person but being an introvert and also having fairly low self-confidence means being around some of my more “shark like” classmates have worn on my morale greatly.

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I just hate that tense, “must always be competing, must wish others do poorly, must put others down and judge them,” sort of attitude that some of my classmates have. Often times I’d feel like I couldn’t really connect with them because I couldn’t trust them to not turn around five seconds later and put a scalpel in my back (or just be plain talking behind my back, as I’ve sadly often heard them do to others).

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Also I was disappointed that some of the people I initially hung out with would rather gossip incessantly (and often maliciously) about other people in our class or the Kardashians and feed off drama and drink/party every weekend (don’t get me wrong, I like to blow off steam every once in awhile as well but this just got to be too much). When not talking about medicine or studying, I’d much rather discuss movies,TV shows, life, current events, have a board game and wine kind of night, play volleyball, go find some new experience aside from bar-hopping, etc. Also when the people around you are like, “What’s Reddit?” or give you judgmental looks for collecting Giant Microbes, you know you are likely not among your nerd brethren. 

Anyway, I’m branching away from them and am finding other classmates to befriend who I jive better with, both in terms of interests, personality, and general philosophy about life. 

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As for the academics, it truly is like trying to get a sip of water out of a fire hydrant. There is so much information and you feel so overwhelmed and like you’re a complete idiot 98% of the time (but you learn to accept that with time). 

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There are days where I come home and cry

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But then there are others where I come out of lecture or shadowing for an afternoon completely in awe at how amazing, intricate, and resilient the human body and spirit are

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And then I remember how incredibly fortunate I am to be in medical school and to eventually be entrusted with the responsibilities of a physician and to have people share their lives with me in such a unique and meaningful way.

And now for my favorite part of this ask: “What are you future aspirations? How will you use your expensive education (lol) to contribute to this world?”

So I have what I jokingly refer to as my “life flowchart” but it’s really quite simple. All roads eventually lead to working for Doctor’s Without Borders (MSF), whether that be shortly after my residency and/or fellowship or as part of my “retirement” plans. It is something I have wanted to do for a very long time—ever since I was old enough to comprehend that being born in a stable country, with access to highly-trained physicians, vaccines, life-saving medications, and public health infrastructure was truly the luck of the draw and nothing more. I’m not very religious, but I firmly believe in leaving the people in our lives and our world in better shape than we found them in. I also am a strong believer in the “teach a man to fish” philosophy, so MSF’s organization, advocacy work, and execution of their missions (they overwhelmingly attempt to employ local people as doctors, nurses, field workers, epidemiologists, etc.) align well with my personal beliefs about how global health and medical aid should be administered. In many ways, I think medical mission work is one of the “purest” forms of medical practice. When done for the right reasons, you expect nothing in return for your work—no money, prestige, research publications, etc.—aside from the personal satisfaction of knowing that you may have been able to use your skills to give someone a new lease on life today or were at least able to ease their suffering (granted this is not every day. I hear there are many frustrating days in mission work as well) when otherwise the rest of the world would have simply turned a blind eye to them because they’re “poor” and “have nothing to contribute.” As physicians, we’re supposed to value all lives just the same—whether they’re a criminal or a saint—it’s not our place to judge, yet we as a society allow money and international politics to decide whose lives are more valuable and whose humanity is expendable. I guess working for MSF will be my own minuscule way of trying to fix that glaring hypocrisy.

The in-between is really just gravy, but I plan to pursue a residency in either internal medicine, preventative medicine/dual MPH residency, or med/peds followed by in infectious disease medicine fellowship. I’m also keeping work with the CDC and/or WHO on the table. Basically the future is full of possibilities, and I’m just hoping to use this super expensive education of mine to create a life of meaning and to leave this place at least a little bit better than I found it. 

OTRA Concert Review

The first On The Road Again concert was highly anticipated by everyone. So much hype was surrounding it because of the release of FOUR and the new tracks that would be performed live. I was incredibly hyped for it. I was so excited for the concert but I had seen how little rehearsal time the boys had for the OTRA concert over the media so I came into the stadium with low expectations.

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