4:28 am, December 2nd, 2016 better late than never
A chat I had with the big-dog, top oncologist guy here at UNCH, Dr. Gold, inspired me to start writing down some thoughts, feelings, and general questions I’m starting to wrestle with and work through. I was also officially admitted into the hospital on the 19th of November which was now ~13 days ago, so I’m getting a little bit of a late start.
Something about my personality: I tend to put things off. Though usually it’s in regards to small work related tasks, this facet of my personality works it’s way into big stuff, too. Since my life has been pretty amazing up until this point, (and still is/will be, for sure) it hasn’t come up a lot, but I can put things off emotionally in the same way I’d procrastinate on, say, homework. This personality quirk works out for good, I think, a lot of the time. It allows me to be brave in the face of adversity, to shrug off really, really big bombshell things (like a cancer diagnosis, for example!) with positivity and not a lot of unneeded anxiety (a long, long shot from where I was 2+ years ago before I was officially treated for my clinical anxiety/depression.) This trend towards emotional procrastination has it’s faults though, for all the pain I save not worrying about things down the road because they aren’t bridges I have to cross yet, it also means stuff can piles up and cause a lot of grief very shortly before I need to be prepared to deal with crossing these bridges.
So that’s where I’m at with all this. I’ve been super positive and kind of ignoring the reality of the situation for like 2 weeks now, and its staaaaaarting to catch up with me a little a bit.
I think this is happening for a few reasons. Primarily, everything until this point has been very new. I hadn’t even had chemotherapy that made me feel really any different until two days ago, when they first started me on IV Rotuxa-something or other, and the reality of the fact that i’m starting full blown, make-you-puke-and-feel-like-death, chemo tomorrow is forcing me to realize that soon, while the drugs may change from time to time, roughly the exact process I’m gonna go through tomorrow is gonna be the next 6-8 months of my life every 3rd week. That, coupled with the fact that I haven’t really had it yet means that I’m dealing with a lot of anticipatory anxiety. Basically, since I am starting to understand that tomorrow is gonna look like as a small part of the larger whole of lot of what my days to come might look like, how the chemo process and stuff tomorrow goes is gonna determine a lot of my spirit in the face of all this.
Alas, I don’t really have a choice and I’m glad I don’t. This cancer has anywhere up to a 90 precent cure rate, and the fact that I have a super cool life ahead of me, incredible resources and people through all of this, and such a good shot at carrying on when this is all done means that I have 0 choice but to put my head down, and kick some ass. I guess now i’m just gonna do all that while documenting some of my thoughts about all of it somewhere concrete rather than letting them float around.
Also i’m pretty sure that the vomit bucket i’ve seen floating around my room was NOT here yesterday and i’m pretty sure that isn’t a good sign ahahaha.
Wish me luck~