i am a living paradox

I’ve spent so much time trying to combat depression and anxiety with this positive self-talk, trying to bolster my poor self image with platitudes. i tell myself “you’re so strong! you can do this!” and “you’re beautiful! you’re perfect!” and it doesn’t change anything because my own words can’t convince me. i’ve seen the ugliness of my heart. no one else’s words can change my mind either. 

the truth is, all that positive self-talk didn’t make me more positive, it just made me less humble. somehow i am this living paradox of an incredibly prideful person who hates herself. it seems so obvious now, but it’s just dawning on me that a positive self image and humility are not mutually exclusive. humility isn’t self deprecation. 

the issue here continues to be that i’ve got my eyes fixed on myself, which quite frankly, is pretty disappointing. i am a lousy example. i make a lousy idol. i make a lousy god.