i am a hipster i know

Day Fifty-Six

-It begins. Black Friday. Until today, I had thought stories of shoppers sprinting through the aisles were myths. I now know better, and I am terrified. Luckily, I found my register to be stocked with stickers, so at least I have been given this small beacon of hope.

-I witnessed Hipster Sasquatch lumber into the store, not to be seen again.

-A young girl, no older than eight, purchased five teddy bears much larger than she herself. She was entirely incapable of carrying even one of them, but, much to my inspiration, this fact did not stop her from trying.

-A mother told her young son that he could pick one pack of gum. After a moment’s contemplation, he picked the single largest value pack of gum we had, triple the cost of any other pack. This was still acceptable under his mother’s rules, and in my eyes, that makes him the single most thrifty Black Friday shopper I encountered tonight.

-I overheard a guest at a nearby register say, “I just killed a girl.” I do not know how serious they were or what the context was, but I am grateful to be working the registers and not the floor tonight.

-Several guests came into the store solely to buy a bottle of soda. I do not understand why they would take such a risk or sit through such a wait, but I admire their bravery and was happy to ring them up.

-Multiple groups of women traipsed through the store in matching homemade Black Friday shirts. These people embrace the chaos of the night far too eagerly. I feel they would thoroughly enjoy a purge-like event, but only so as to raid department stores, and I respect that.

-While there were, as expected, several guests who were unhappy with how their night was progressing, twice as many asked how I was doing, genuinely interested, and expressed their concern and gratitude towards me working tonight, apologizing on behalf of those with less respect. While these were just small gestures, they meant the world to me and made my shift bearable. 

-One of the biggest sellers of the night was a four foot tall Michelangelo statue. This was Michelangelo the teenage mutant ninja turtle, not Michelangelo the acclaimed Renaissance artist, but it was just as terrifying as if it had been the latter.

-I walked through the store on my break. Shelves had been ransacked. Displays had been picked dry. Sleepless and soulless faces passed me, scavenging for the last sales of the night. I did not expect this level of barren apocalyptic wasteland until Trump was at least inaugurated, yet I found it all around me.

-I was accused of hurting a woman with a powerful static shock, despite not coming within three feet of her at any point. I believe this to be my superhero origin and I look forward to becoming a much less cool and much more white Virgil Hawkins. 

-A woman informed me that she would only buy an item she had brought up if it rang up at $5. It turned out to be $4.26. She made me put it back. I do not understand the logic, but I admire someone so firm in their beliefs.

-Coworkers who regularly bring everyone candy during long shifts are the best kind of coworkers. 

-In hopes of making it through my shift and the drive home alive, I downed an energy drink. Unfortunately, I forgot that energy drinks tend to make me believe I am even funnier than I usually think. I would now like to apologize to the guests who found this out tonight.

-I am reminded of how grateful I am that I work at Target, as even in the midst of the conservative south, I am surrounded with people who are as upset about Trump and Pence existing as a concept as I am, and this leads to many a great conversation.

-A man was offended to find that the Red Bull he was about to buy was sugar-free. He replaced it with a full-sugar one, telling his father that he was trying to die and that was not going to do the job, and branding himself the most relatable guest of the night.

-I am thankful for those who attempted to lift my spirits throughout my shift, but I would specifically like to single out the big daddy of dad jokes who tried very, very hard. Displaying a case of selective dyslexia, the man read out the card reader’s instruction of “do not remove card” as “don’t move,” and proceeded to pose and freeze in place for a solid thirty seconds. This man committed to an extent I would not have expected from him and he will never be forgotten. 

Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.
—  John Green