i am a drunk five year old

Temeraire Characters as Texts From Last Night
  • Laurence: This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
  • Tharkay: I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
  • Hammond: sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
  • St Germain: girls only wine night turned into sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
  • Granby: gonna spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home again.
  • Demane: my ten year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i dont wanna be an uncle yet"
  • Emily: yeah my parents were ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
  • Iskierka: you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are beautiful!"
  • Jane Roland: he was rambling on about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
  • Granby: also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
  • Little: Not only did i hold your hair back as you puked, i French braided it. I am such a good friend.
  • Harcourt: i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
  • Temeraire: You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quiet and started chanting quack...quack...quack

I got drunk yesterday. Long story short I am the new target for the twat and his minions because everyone else has seen sense and left. I’m literally working with a five year old with an ego problem. I was really looking forward to this meal out with my little group without him there, especially after spending the morning arguing it out with the big boss (I won that one, turns out he takes lessons from Trump on how to provide evidence), and to chill for a little bit. He turned up last minute (apparently the dog sitter wasn’t busy any more) and it came out in the wash today that it was simply to make me uncomfortable. So I did what any normal person would do. I got drunk and left early, then ranted at me mam for half an hour. If I’d have stayed I’d have given him a reason to report me. And yes, everyone was like you shouldn’t have left early, and he double checked with the staff to make sure I’d paid, but I think I’m entitled to have a mini break to reset myself and get in the right frame of mind, I was still upset from the morning. He won’t be getting the better of me again.
Tomorrow is games night, and it is a shop talk free zone. I’ve got cleudo, pass the bomb, cards, exploding kittens, pizza, chips and I’ve made an absolute monster of a Victoria sponge for dessert (no seriously it’s huge, each sponge is at least two inches thick and then there’s a good centimetre of buttercream in the middle).
I have also started the last part of my application to Manchester, I’m determined to escape this awful environment before Christmas, one way or another.
16th March 2017

things my younger brother has done since getting home tipsy approx. 45 mins ago
  • acted like he was totally sober and failed miserably for my parents
  • (they don’t believe him)
  • (he thinks they do)
  • told me i should hug him
  • followed by “no wait im fucking sweaty and gross don’t”
  • “u are a princess” (this happened twice)
  • then snapchatted some people before telling me “i think i sent some embarrassing snapchats oops”
  • i went downstairs and then he called me back up 10 mins later saying “i feel sick you’re the eighteen year old what do i do fuck”
  • i said drink water, take a shower, why are u so sweaty
  • “i ran one km to the tube station because i fucking hate buses”
  • me: why
  • him: “didn’t want dad to pick me up in case he saw me drinking”
  • (…mate…im pretty sure they know ur drunk)
  • it took 10 mins to get him into the shower in which time he told me that he thought i was really short (for reference, i am five foot tall. everyone knows im short)
  • he also said “do u think i can shower with one sock on” and “you know i don’t think i actually like drinking…you could die”
  • and i said “pls take a shower before mum and dad get pissy” to which he proceeded to giggle because “hahah pissy…because im pissed geddit”
  • him: “i don’t think i was supposed to drink straight pimms???” me: “you fucking idiot pimms is crap unless u have it with lemonade”
  • him: *burp* that was so beer-y eww
  • “hey!! u know the school play auditions are next week” “yes, u told me before u went out” “w h a t…oh wow u are a…what do u call it…a clairvoyant”
  • after his very short shower in which he did not wash properly at all because he still smells of beer he came upstairs and did a dramatic rendition of imagine dragons’ demons in my bed im not kidding (”THIS. is my kingdom come. this is my kingdom come” “when you FEEL my hEAT look into my EYES”)
  • i sang a harmony ofc
  • he also hugged me before saying “my nipple itches” and then “eyebrow itch”
  • “fUCK there’s another party next week…u know i don’t think i like parties much”
  • i have sent him to bed now but tldr im fucking crying if i’d known he was this hilarious drunk it would have happened a while ago lmao
3 AM

3 AM

It was 3AM when Elsa was abruptly shaken awake by her sister.

“Anna, the snow will still be there in the morning.”

“I’m not five anymore, Elsa. And I don’t think this ‘snow’ man can wait till morning.”

“Elsa! I need to talk to you!” cried a voice from the main floor.

When Elsa rolled out of bed, she found her twenty-three-year-old, white-haired, best friend very drunk.

“Jack, what is wrong with you, it’s freaking three in the morning –”

“I need to tell you that–” Jack hiccupped.

“Can’t it wait?”


“Tell me what then.”

I love you.”

Found on bohememusings.blogspot.com


Extreme Questions Tag

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you’re supposed to answer these 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

I was tagged by that-writer-with-scarves

What was your:

Last drink—A glass of water

Last phone call—oh jeez idk. Probably to sing happy birthday to someone

Last text message—”Groovy!”

Last song you listened to—”A Good Man? (Twelve’s Theme)” by Murray Gold

Last time you cried—Last night, while watching Interstellar

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice—Kind of but she ended up hurting me more because of it

Been cheated on—No

Kissed someone and regretted it—Not at the time but now i do

Lost someone special—Five someones, actually

Been depressed—Am currently

Been drunk and thrown up—Nope

List 3 favourite colours:




In the last year have you:

Made a new friend—Yep!

Fallen out of love—Unfortunately, yes.

Laughed until you cried—No, not since my old friends

Met someone who changed you—I think so, yeah

Found out who your true friends are—Yep. This year’s shown me a lot.

Found out someone was talking about you—Yes

Kissed anyone on your FB list—Nope :(


How many people on your FB friends do you know IRL—Almost all of them

Do you have any pets—A cat named Emma

Do you want to change your name—Nope! I like “Ethan!”

What did you do for your last birthday party—ate desserts and talked about life

What time did you wake up today—11:30 am

Name something you CANNOT wait for—Finishing the fantasy film trilogy I’ve been working on for six and a half years

Last time you saw your mother—Last night

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life—I wish things had gone differently with my old friend group.

What are you listening to right now—Nothing currently, but the Jurassic World soundtrack has been my main album for a while

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom—Yes! My grandpa, for one!

Blood type—I actually have no idea, shit.

Nicknames—“Smackapreteen,” “Etnah,” “Cogsworth,” “Asshole”

Relationship status—Single

Zodiac Sign—Virgo


Favourite TV show—Doctor Who, Firefly, Sherlock

Long or short—Is this about my hair? If it is, then it’s short.


Do you have a crush on someone—Yes but it’s never gonna go anywhere

What do you like about yourself—I’m super creative, I’m intelligent, I’m kind, I’m exceptionally talented (I was nominated for an award for my role as Cogsworth recently), and I’m starting to beat my depression

Tattoos—I have none

Righty or lefty—Righty

First surgery—Haven’t had any yet

First piercing—Haven’t had any of those yet either

First best friend—I think it was a guy named Brandon

First sport you joined—I write movies, do you think I have much time for sportsing?

First vacation—I think I went to a wedding in Rhode Island? The first one I remember is a trip to Ireland when I was 3, though.

First pair of trainers (sneakers)—No clue. Probably just black or something.

Right Now:


Waiting for—Someone to like me in a romantic way

Want kids—Absolutely! One of my dreams is reading The Hobbit (my favorite book ever) to my kids as a bedtime story!

Get married—Yes!

Career—I’d love to be a film director

Which is better:

Lips or eyes—Eyes. I think they can be very sexy

Hugs or kisses—Hugs

Shorter or taller—Taller

Romantic or spontaneous—How about spontaneously romantic? But if I had to choose, then I’d choose romantic.

Sensitive or loud—Sensitive

Hookup or relationship—Relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant—Both, depending on the situation

Have you ever:
Kissed a stranger—No

Drank Hard liquor—Nope

Lost glasses/contacts—Probably at least once

Sex on first date—I wouldn’t say no to it

Broke someone’s heart—I have no idea. I don’t think so, though.

Been arrested—Not yet, and hopefully that trend will continue!

Turned someone down—Yep

Cried when someone died—Of course!

Fallen for a friend—Yes and it wasn’t good

Do you Believe:

In yourself—I’m trying to, but it’s hard sometimes

Miracles—I guess, yeah

Love at first sight—Absolutely not. It’s impossible to just look at someone and fall in love with them. Thinking they’re hot? Yes. But love? No. That’s ridiculous.


Santa Claus—I wish I did

Kiss at first date—Depends on how well the date went!


I tag: ceirus, stans-evil-twin-sister, lucifers-lil-angel, ethanwoopdedoo, bbydiv, sydneybarney, punkboyfriend, vintage-princessxx, noahkoeller, natashaaromanofff, bearhugsandcatnaps, i-willchurn-thybutter, whimsicaljordan, saraheloise1901, jellycatz, alexxturnerss, i–miss-my-wings, i-lovemanyboys-sexuallygoddangit, and I really can’t think of anyone else to tag

This was fun! Thanks again, that-writer-with-scarves, for tagging me!