hyper realist

seeing Beauty and the Beast in hyper-realistic CGI has forced me to re-evaluate the entire concept of the movie. Like the whole “talking furniture” thing was adorable & COOL in animated-form, but in reality it’s like a fuckin horror movie. You’re trapped in a place where cups have EYES and literally anything could’ve been an ex-person. That spoon you just licked clean? A person. That chair you’ve been sitting on? Practically someone’s LAP. That toilet in your bathroom? Oh-ho-hooo bOY DO I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU.  

out of all the live action disney remakes, the lion king is the one that’s pissing me off the most. i mean. this is a movie that’s entirely about talking animals. which means that there’s no fucking way this is going to be a ‘live-action’ film. it’s not a cinderella, a beauty and the beast, a mulan, or even a jungle book. they all had fantastical elements that had to be animated, but they still starred real-life actors in real sets that could actually do a live-action performance. lion king, on the other hand, will have to be entirely animated. so it will just be the exact same fucking animated movie except the animation will make the lions and hyenas look hyper-realistic, i guess. how very necessary. hooray.

creepypasta (bad, for little kids): super mario’s eyes bled hyper-realistic blood and instead of the music there was someone saying “death” so i threw the game cartridge at the window.

scp entry (for intellectual, manly adults): william shakespeare’s eyes bled non-euclidean blood and the music was replaced with sad daevite poetry. we killed a d-class about it.

hey gather round children i wanna tell you about a Mistake I made in 1st year uni so you will not be Doomed To Repeat It.

so, my friend in 1st year stole a dildo from like the 3rd frat party she went to, as one does.

and she named it ‘phillip’, because, if you have already stolen a novelty foot-and-change long dildo from a frat house, you should probably give it a name, you know, make it feel at home,

and something you need to know about me is that i am very bad at remembering people’s names. not like, regular bad at remembering people’s names, like, really, really bad. like, i remember about 15 people’s names from all of high school, bad.

so when people in this girl’s friend group would ask me if i’d ‘met phillip’ i’d just…. assume that i had, in fact, met a Human Man named phillip and forgotten and, not wanting to seem rude, i’d say like ‘oh yeah i know him’ or ‘yeah i think so, he seems like a cool guy’

which, in fact, phillip was not. it was a hyper-realistic novelty Jumbo Dildo with a super-strength suction cup on the base.

and this went on! all year mutual friends would ask me if i’d met ‘phillip’ and i’d just keep lying to save face! like i’d met a lot of people in this friend group and not remembered their names, conceivably one of them was The Real Human Man Phillip, who i kept forgetting over and over.

‘yeah we’ve met!’ ‘he seemed nice!’

who is this phillip! people Kept asking me about him like, somehow i don’t remember this super popular guy in our friend group? at this point i’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me that i don’t remember anything about him? Phillip Whomst?

anyway,

the moral of the story is, write the names of people you meet down or get like, an app or something, or on the last day of term your friend, the dildo thief herself, will say ‘you’ve met phillip, right?’ 

and you’ll say ‘yeah, i think so!’ and she’ll nod and pull a 45cm long dildo out from under her dorm bed, and, like this is a normal thing to do, stick it to the wall via Suction Cup with this tremendous rubbery Thwock, and the whole thing will give a majestic ripple like a flag in a strong wind.

and you will remember in one moment of perfect, transcendent clarity, memory working as god intended, every time that you said, without a hint of sarcasm in your voice, ‘oh yeah i know phillip, i liked him!’

Day 2 of Undyne Appreciation Week @undyne-appreciation

Running a day behind because I ended up falling asleep after my July 4th party and couldn’t do this yesterday. I’m gonna try to get Day 3 done before day 4, but no promises! 

My favorite thing about Undyne is really tricky to pin down exactly, but I like how even though she’s a tough warrior heroine who will punch her problems in the face, suplex a boulder, and burn down her own house to make some INTENSE spaghetti, she’s also got this quiet, thoughtful side to her. She meditates, she’s clearly given a lot of careful thought to whether she should accept Papyrus into the Guard, she spends hours practicing speeches, she values a quiet cup of tea and conversation, and she writes a letter over and over again, because she can never find the right words.

She’s got this super caring, thoughtful, contemplative and romantic side to her that you might not expect, even though she seems afraid to completely show it. It’s a great juxtaposition with her toughness and more aggressive nature and high energy.

I love her.

It is actually impossible to write a good Courage the Cowardly Dog creepypasta

Like legitimately, and not just because lost episode pastas have become kinda hokey in general. It is completely resistant to all the classic lost episode pasta tropes because they have literally all occurred in the actual show.

“And then this hyper realistic-”


“And then this disturbing, demonic voice that will haunt me for the rest of my life-”


“I can’t explain exactly what was so creepy about it, it was just unsettling-”


“And then [character] was killed, literally just killed right there-”


“But there was-”



“Yeah but there was like-”



“Wait, hold on-”


“Aw fuck it.”

I hope the “live action remake of an animated classic” trend dies forever soon, especially since “animated remake of a live action classic” would be a billion times better

Like, let me have Studio Ghibli’s Die Hard or Dreamworks Animation’s Pulp Fiction before I have to watch Emma Stone’s Ariel sing to a hyper-realistic CGI Sebastian or whatever

i had a hyper realistic dream that there was a homestuck movie. all the characters were voiced by famous voice actors and it was very good. it was over five hours long and it premiered on cartoon network at 8 PM with a projected end time of 2 AM.