In matters of the heart, One must try to fill it up

Normally i don’t use online blogging to post about my life or personal experiences. Right now i just feel like why not? sometimes saying things out loud help strike a chord with myself. maybe there even someone who may randomly stumble upon this in relate

I have had on and off struggles with addiction for nearly 10 years now. Its a cycle, i can be doing so well in parts of my life but others not so much. i have dealt with some recent triggering event that put me right back in the same situation i have dealt with over and over again. this time its even harder. i cant really go to many people and talk to them, ask for advice or even help. Ill just have to hear the disappointment and concern in say…my mothers voice. Same with friends. or hearing from the grape vine that people believe ill be this way my whole life. what is fine, i know my addiction is something i need to deal with on my own. And i also know this will not be something i will be doing my whole life. For starters, i finally dropped the whole drug addict denial game. or the way of thinking. blaming whatever has happen to me on the people around me. Even the idea of what i am doing to myself cant possibly affect the people around me. I know how emotionally draining it has been in the past for people to just be around me and try to help out. And I’m sorry to anyone that has been affected.

I seems that having health insurance would be a good time for me to seek treatment on my own. I and got a list of providers that can prescribe me suboxone. when it comes down to it, even though this medications covered the doctors are all about money. they all refuse to use my insurance, want me to pay out of pocket. even though these are things i can get reimbursed. I’m not at a place where i am capable to shell this cash at this time. So it looks that i just have to wait.

Its just become very difficult for me to understand the way things work. society, life. The part of this that bothers me the most is that if i was just a little worse off, if i was hospitalized then the county will cover this. for free.

In all honesty i just want to be done with this. I hoping professionals can help just put a end to this. So i can completely start over. no hang ups from the past. and just continue fixing the trail of mistakes i left behind one thing at a time.