humor blog

the year is 2017. a ufo lands in your backyard. out steps a group of aliens.

you gasp. “are you here to find our leader and kill him??”

the alien in front seems alarmed. “no, no, we all come in peace, why would you-”

“oh.” you sigh dejectedly. “i just- we have a really bad president. like really evil bad, i just thought-” you start to tear up.

the alien places a hand on your shoulder. “hey now, it’s okay, maybe you can tell us all about him and we’ll- we’ll see what we can do.”

do y'all ever feel creepy for having a crush like,, you’ll picture the two of you going on a hike and holding hands or going to one of those buildings filled with trampolines together and ur just like “stop!!! this is nonsense!!! u dont even know them that well stop thinking about them all the time!!! they would probably be weirded out by this bc they think of you as a friend at best,, S T O P”

My friend played me throwback songs to what he listened to in high school. One of them was sandstorm by darude and he started telling me about how they banned this song at all the school dances because during freshmen winter formal everyone got so insanely pumped when the song started playing that a flock of kids charged and lifted their school’s 16 foot Christmas tree and threw it off the balcony

Different types of Kitten

Jhene Aiko kitten:has you thinking heaven is here on earth. Most likely to cuddle and talk afterwards. Always in a situationship and comes to you for comfort

Kehlani kitten:homegirl you’ve always tried to get with. One night you hit her with the henny dick and now neither of you can let go. Tough and will curse you out in bed, but it’s a turn on tbh

Beyoncé kitten:the kitten that’s using you because she knows her man is cheating. Will record you two together in order to show it at his company launch.

Rihanna kitten: crazy chick who choked you one time and made you call her daddy. Makes you wear a collar because she knows she owns your ass.

Nicki Minaj kitten: the kitten you met on vacation in Waikiki that made you think love was real when she bust it wide open on your lap. Had you praying to god.

Mariah Carey kitten: Suga moma kitten that takes care of you. All you have to do is stroke that ego. And that kitten. She will get hers before you get yours.

Ariana Grande kitten: unevolved Mariah Carey kitten. Evolve her using gifts of donuts, crop tops, and hyped up reviews of her performance in bed.

Kali Uchis kitten: The kitten who everyone fucks with. You smash every time you two smoke. Likes the color pink and being pampered. Be prepared for car sessions

Solange kitten: Kitten that inspires you to do better. Don’t touch her hair during sex. Will have you listening to records afterwards taking about your dreams.

Lady Gaga kitten:Your experimental phase. Marched to the beat of her own drum and yes that means you fucked in front of an audience for the applause

Sade kitten:The kitten that taught you everything you know. Smooth af. She’s the reason your ass can even set the mood for future girls. Too good for you and disappeared after 8 days of extraordinary love

Lana Del Rey kitten: Kitten that is a sugar baby and you have no issues with it. Likes it in hotels and random places for the thrills. Likes calling you daddy. Watch out for her ex tho.