I found this thing on Facebook… and I fell down the Humans Are Weird hole yet again. 😅 (I first did before I even started my blog - Pinterest is sooo full of these posts! And I keep falling down it from time to time, when I discover something new)
Another humans are weird space orcs idea because I really like thinking about it. What if aliens have no idea how to hide their emotions? Like, they suck at poker because they can never keep a straight face or anything. or, on a darker note, their ship is hijacked and they can’t keep the fear out of their faces, but all the humans look cold and emotionless to them. Other aliens hating having to bargain with humans becase we can bluff and keep our emotions in check so well, but when they get frustrated it’s all over. Pirates threaten the space ship and they send the human to do negotiations, and the pirate talking is super confused because no matter what threat he makes, the human just doesn’t seem to be fazed one bit.
Someone please, feel free to add to this, I love to see what else people come up with!
Aliens are so used to humans wanting to pet the most deadliest creatures they find because PUPPER that they have prepared on every ship with a human crewmate. They have human sitting duties and at least 2 chaperones when going planet-side, just in case they get any ideas.
Then a crew gets a human for the first time and it’s everything like what the Human Care Manual says. The human is loud, but pleasant, always joke around with the crew and was tremendous during that Flokkut Raid on Sector 6. The human even brought a camera with it to take pictures on the ship (it’s bigger than most, downright obnoxious in shape to some of the crew, but the human is happy with it, and a happy human is a bonded human)
So then they go down to a planet, letting the human explore with his chaperones. After walking for a while the group stumbles on a herd of Dwetts, elks with fish eyes and flippers. The aliens sigh cause it was bound to see creatures sooner or later, and turn to give Acceptable Reason #6 from the manual, when the human disappeared! They freak out because how did the human leave??? Does it have invisibility??? That wasn’t part of the manual!! But they hear their human saying “guys, stop moving! You’re going to upset them!”
They look down to see the human lying on his stomach looking through his camera, taking pictures. They were shocked, but did as they were told and sat down. For hours they watched the human taking photos, being as quiet as still as possible. This couldn’t be the same human??
When the human was done, it got up, stretched, and headed back for the ship. The chaperones followed suit. When they got back the captain was surprised that they returned without a creature (even with 2 chaperones, he suspected that the human would win anyway) but was astonished to hear what had happened.
“You didn’t want to take one as these ‘pets’ for the ship??”
“No???? Why would I? They aren’t domesticated, they need space to live which the ship wouldn’t supply.”
“But aren’t they cute in human terms?”
“I mean, I would say more interesting than cute. But seriously, how would we take care of it? How to feed it, groom it, keep away from all the sensitive equipment? It would be dangerous for us and it if we take one from the wild. You really want one that badly?”
“Wha- No! It’s just…you seemed to like them?”
“I mean yeah, it’s a new animal species, and I did take pictures, but not as long as I hoped for. Honestly you have to look at the ecosystem here before getting any animals on board.”
The captain immediately notified the Human Care Committee that their section on animal bonding does not apply to human subclass professional wildlife photographer
To be fair, we abducted members of every new race. Abduct a small percentage of the population, expose them to some galactic prisoners, and we get a good idea of what germs, diseases, and viruses will make the jump between races. Do this over the course of a [roughly equivalent to a century], and you get a good idea of what there is, how quickly it mutates, etc. You also have the time to develop vaccines for any races that might be affected by the new race (including itself- we’re not heartless).
But we underestimated humans.
It was [roughly equivalent to four decades] into our testing of humanity. We picked up a human from his transport and placed him in a containment cell. He had some nutrients with him, and we picked that up too: less we had to feed him later.
But we underestimated the resourcefulness of humans.
Something went wrong- we think it was a door malfunction- and he escaped the cell. He disabled the guards easily (we suspect they were less alert than they should have been) and took their weapons. We locked all hatches, hoping to seal him in the laboratory wing. Unfortunately, he hacked the shipboard computer, gaining control of all systems. He made his way to the bridge, where he took the captain hostage. We offered him riches, technologies beyond human understanding.
But we underestimated the stubbornness of humans.
He was paid us no mind as he wrestled with the controls, as if on some quest. He punched numbers and figures into the console, and mumbled something about ‘being lit on fire’ by a superior. He set the ship down on the other side of the city from where he was picked up and opened the doors. We braced ourselves for a military confrontation, but it seemed like we were outside another human’s abode. He jumped out, carrying the nutrients with him.
We underestimated Domino’s 30-minute or free guarantee.
Can we talk about the concept of humans adopting other sentient aliens as equal members of their families?
Like, in the posts I’ve seen so far, there’s mostly talks of humans adopting dangerous alien critters as pets but what about humans adopting sentient aliens?
“Human-George, just leave that be, they’re just a runt.” - “… No.” - “Human-George, you can’t - put them down! What are you doing?” - “Krlunk, I’m not leaving a child behind on this forsaken moon to die.” - “But they’re just a runt, not worth raising. The broodbirther and the feeders must have left it behind when they migrated 5 sols ago.” - “Are they going to come back?” - “No, Human-George, Twargs migrate for long periods of time, and we can’t spare the time to go after them.” - “Then I’ll take them with me.” “- “What?” - “I’ll take this little champion here with me and I will raise them as my own.” - “You- you can’t just do that! You can’t just spill your pack-bonding instincts- Human George!!! Get back here!” - “Don’t listen to Krlunk, kid, I won’t leave you here alone. Doesn’t matter how many appendages you have. You hungry? Thought so, let’s go get you some grub.” - (in the distance) “Human-George! The extra rations are coming out of your pay!!!” - “See if I care, Krlunk. Go eat paperwork or so.”
Imagine human patchwork families with little aliens raised and loved alonside their own, imagine some human trying to explain to crewmates how they have a Twarg sibling and a Sh’ilean sister even though their parents look very much human, imagine humans parents trying their very best to provide their alien child with the best possible care.
Also imagine it the other way around. Humans getting adopted by aliens and bonding with them just as much as they would with their own kind, either through deeds or just love. Humans building their own families in a wild mix of colours and number of appendages or eyes.
“So this is my human side of the family, see, these are my human parents.” - “Is that your larval form in their arms, Hooman-Cassandra?” - “Sort of, yeah, and this is my Gran’hroo mother and all of her children.” - “How can you have a Gran’hoo relative? I thought your kind could only come from a bonded pair of hoomans?” - “Oh, I used to live on the same mining colony as her when I was a child and I’d play with her children, spent most of my days in their house and one day I called her ‘Acraï’ - ‘mother’ in Gran’hoo language - by accident. It kind of stuck. She took me in when my parents temporarily left for another space station and I wanted to finish my education where I’d started it. When I left for my first space journey, she gave a clan insignia and called me her daughter so yeah… this is my Mom, my Dad, and my Acraï and they’re all my parents.”
concept: an alien race horrified by the idea of clothes
- You… you manifacture artificial skin? That you don over your own bodies? How utterly repulsive!!
-And instead of being rightfully ashamed of this practice you… pride yourselves on it?? You have performances dedicated to displaying weird varieties of it? You hold galas that are - for lack of a better term - ‘thinly veiled’ excuses for just such a performance?
-You try them on in specific stores and sometimes don’t buy them? YOU LEND THEM TO YOUR FRIENDS? You lend your weird fake skin to your friends???!!?
- What do you MEAN you have specifically designated sleep skin???
- An alien being forced to wear warm clothes because of the weather and begrudgingly accepting that it’s a pretty clever way of adapting to this crazy planet, THEY GUESS.
- Rebelling alien youths putting on sweaters to the absolute horror of their parents. So edgy.
So I learned two cool things about humans: Humans have stripes! Human skin is overlaid with what dermatologists call Blaschko’s Lines, a pattern of stripes covering the body from head to toe. The stripes run up and down your arms and legs and hug your torso. You cannot see them without special equipment as the difference between the stripe cells and the non-stripes are too subtle for human eyes to pick up. You will also notice them at if something irritates the skin, as rashes and moles can form along these invisible lines.
Humans are bio-luminescent! We glow in the dark. Natural chemical reactions in our cells let out some energy in the form of visible light. Unfortunately this light is very weak, about 1000 times weaker than the eye can see. Scientists still don’t know if there are animals capable of seeing this light in humans.
So, it gave me an idea, and I will be writing something on it, but I’m also eager to see where others would go with the idea: what if humans met a race that could see our stripes, or our glow, or both! My take on the idea will involve the aliens adoring these glowing stripy creatures. Humans, meanwhile, are really confused about why these aliens find us so much more attractive than the more colourful creatures out there. Their compliments would confuse us. We literally cannot see what makes us beautiful to them.
Anyone who wants to write this, feel free to go other places; love, hate, disgust, confusion. Any reaction from the humans, or aliens, can make a good story.
You know, a lot of the Space Orcs posts have humans as the not-as-technologically-advanced species in the galaxy who came into whatever intergalactic government exists, but in reality humans would probably be one of the first species to achieve interstellar travel due to the fact that we have absolutely no sense of safety.
Humans say they want to go to the moon? Yeah right, they don’t even have nuclear power under control. But instead they just stick themselves in an explosive powered tube that has a computer less powerful than today’s average calculator and LAUNCH THEMSELVES INTO SPACE
The humans wanted to build a giant particle collider? Sounds good, but wait! There’s a chance that it could create a black hole, LETS DO IT ANYWAYS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
And how about the hydrogen bomb? Scientists thought it could LIGHT THE ATMOSPHERE ON FIRE. Did they stop? NO, THEY TESTED IT ANYWAYS
Imagine aliens going through our scientific records and realizing how little we care what negative results happen, they do stuff just to satisfy their curiosity. They threaten their very existence in the universe to answer a simple question, a question that brings fear to any non-human ears that hear it, and that question is “But why?”
Presumably, if adult humans are weird, then human kids must be weird as well. But of course, since aliens probably wouldn’t interact with human children too much, there might not be much about them in the human guide.
Imagine a human leaving her kid with an alien friend because her SO is sick and none of her human crewmates are able to act as babysitter and she’s got an important meeting. So she goes to the meeting and the alien takes her kid to one of the rooms in the ship that acts as a sort of play area.
Then, when the human comes out of the meeting, she picks her phone up and sees that she has some missed calls…
1st call: “Hey, Katie, it’s me, Grit. I know you’re probably in the meeting by now and can’t answer your phone, but I was just wondering… Jackie’s been chasing the other kids a lot, is she hunting them? Is that part of the whole predatory instincts thing? They all seem to be having fun— at least I think so, they’re all making that weird noise you guys make— but I just thought I’d let you know. And, um, listen… she’s not going to try and eat the ones she catches, is she?”
2nd call: “Hi, Katie, Grit again— look, I know that you guys are descended from tree climbing mammals and so your offspring need climbing equipment to satisfy those instincts— but there’s no way she’s supposed to be that high, right? None of the other parents are doing anything and I can’t go up and get her down because my hooves can’t get a grip on the frame. She’s right on top and— NO!<incomprehensible noises that sound like a cross between the moo of a cow and the bray of a donkey>— okay, so she’s swinging from the bars. One of the other humans just explained that that’s normal. He’s offered me some coffee, but I said no because I’m pretty sure that stuff’s toxic. I’ll try not to call again unless there is an emergency.”
3rd call: “I’m so sorry, Jackie’s been injured. She tripped over and seems to have lost a layer of skin from her knee. She’s making these noises and there’s liquid coming from her eye sockets and I don’t know what to do! Please pick up! There’s blood and the coffee offering human keeps saying she should suck the blood out or something. Is that a thing? Does your species’ saliva have healing properties? Shoud I call a medic?! Please pick up!”
4th call: “Sorry for that last message. Jackie seems to be doing fine now. I don’t know how— she should be laid out for weeks after an injury like that! Please, for my sanity, can you get a human babysitter next time?”
You know, most animals that sing just do so in order to defend territory or attract a mate. Humans and a few other animals do it just for fun but a lot don’t.
What if, following the humans are weird thing, most intelligent species in the universe either don’t sing or just sing to flirt or start arguments so when they encounter humans they’re really confused.
Like? They just sing randomly? They actually plan out their singing and there are humans that train for it and make careers out of it? The humans use singing for teaching and expressing emotions other than lust or aggression?
And humans sing in order to remember things easily, lull other humans to sleep, calm themselves down, express every emotion they might have, and even more. And all of this is so confusing to the aliens.
what if humans are the only ones capable of being offended?
like, an alien says, casually “i don’t like you” and the human… reacts?
the alien is all “am… i not using that word correctly? like is to indicate a preference for? and I have no particular preference for you human we just met?”
and the human is like “first of all, how dare you“
and the alien doesn’t understand why the human is angry? there was nothing about the value of human in the statement, so why did the alien’s statement distress them so?? the feeling of liking (or absence thereof) was completely dependent upon the [internal thinking mechanism process] of the alien???
and like 30 minutes of language analysis later, they come to the conclusion that, because the human is new, there is no reason for their presence to cause a pleasant feeling (which is liking? the alien guesses), that the alien wasn’t trying to cause offense (OF COURSE NOT, THEY DON’T HAVE A DEATH WISH), so the human is just like “oh, ok, i guess i’ll just have to grow on ya!” *failwink*
and then there’s the lightbulb moment for the alien, like
OH. This is why humans are aggressively social. pets/hugs/touches everything. forms pack bonds so quickly and fiercely. They like things. and they want to be liked in return.
so, I was thinking about how human bodies can survive a great deal of damage, right?
probably all the guides on humans say things like “if you really need to kill one, go for the head. that’s the surest way to kill a human.”
but do you realize that even that might just not be enough?
please, allow me to introduce Mr. Phineas Gage.
Mr. Gage was a foreman working in the construction of railroads. He is most famous because he survived an hideous accident where a 3.2 cm thick, 1 meter long iron rod was driven into his brain by an explosion.
Let me repeat: an iron pole rocketing through the organ that controls the whole body was not enough to kill him.
Just in case you need another picture to get the idea of just how serious was the injury.
of course such a severe injury could not leave him unscarred: his personality changed completely, and he had moments of delirium.
but he survived. not only that, but he went on having a relatively normal life. his speech, movement and intelligence WERE NOT IMPAIRED BY THE INJURY.
aliens have all the more reason to be scared shitless of us.
“Not what, who. He’s the most feared bounty hunter in the system.”
“What makes him so special? Cybernetics? Psyonics? Whatever it is, we’ve beaten it before.”
“That’s just it, there is no trick. Nothing. Plain Vanilla biology and no weapons beyond chemically propelled kinetics and edged tools.”
“You’re kidding, right? Then why is he such a big deal?”
“He’s a big deal because he does the job without anything like that. He can track you down and kill you without any net-dives or mind scans, and there’s nothing we’ve got that can shut him down. He’s not cybernetic so we can’t EM him, and he’s got no psychic presence so we can’t psybomb him. There’s almost no way to track him down or get away once he’s found you.”
“Can’t we just kill him?”
“Good luck. First you’ve got to find him, and they say he can disguise himself as anything.”
What if we are both the Space Orcs and the Space Hippies of the Galaxy?
I absolutely love the idea that humanity will turn out to be the Space Orcs of the universe with our innate violence and toughness but what if we turn out to be the space hippies as well?
Like every other species that has reached Space fairing status has slaughtered every predator, every dangerous insect, every poisonous plant ….even viruses and bacteria have been exterminated. Basically everything that can be a threat to them on their planet has been removed and it’s functions in the cycle of the planet have been replicated through scientific means. Sanitizing your Homeworld like this is considered a mark of progress and civilization. Only barbaric species have natural dangers on their world. In advanced societies only lifeforms which are useful are allowed on your planet
And then we appear on the scene and although we are intimidating and and violent the other species welcome us. And then on our first meeting the alien ambassador notices a beautiful painting of a jellyfish on the Captain’s wall
“What an intriguing creature. Is it native to your planet? What is it function?” asked X’thio of the Kril
“Oh this? Yeah. The Box Jellyfish. Nasty piece of work. It’s poison targets your pain center and you literally spend weeks in excruciating pain. You can die very easily if you don’t get help quickly. My third cousin got stung by one. She said it was so painful it made child birth look like a fun day at the park“
“These things still exist on your world!? How horrifying. We would gladly help you exterminate them if you don’t have the capability”
“Exterminate them!? Mate we are trying to save them. They are severely endangering due all the pollution in the ocean!”
“Well we used to throw out a lot of garbage in the ocean and….”
“I understand how pollution works. Why would you want to save such a horrid creature?”
“Well isn’t it obvious? It’s because it’s endangered. Besides they barely killed any people. Now snakes..let me tell you about snakes. There this snake that climbed through toilet and bit my uncle right in the…….”
And that’s when the Ambassador knew that they wouldn’t be leaving their Embassy on Earth
Of all the species to ever join the intergalactic cooperation, humans are by far one of the strangest. like many they have limbs that they used to transverse the distance between point a and b, however unlike most species humans only have two. For most species bouncing on two “legs” for any length of time is almost impossible . Human evolution however, has come up with rather an ingenious solution. on closer examination of a human subject, you will find they are never completely still. Instead, you will find an almost imperceptible swaying that most of the time the human itself will not know it is doing. A humans sway is, in fact, a byproduct of only having two “legs”. humans are constantly falling.
as their body starts to fall in one direction they will shift their mass a tiny fraction and start falling in a different direction. they will constantly do this correcting for their lack of stability until they wish to move to another location, where they will let themselves fall towards it. they then mix gravity and inertia with their own power and move from one foot to the next with the forefoot catching themselves before they fall.
add to this that humans are one of the few walking creachers from any world that need to learn to walk. in most race’s and even the majority of animals, the offspring are walking within hours. human offspring however on average take 420 days to finish learning to walk. This strangely graceful forward falling that humans use in place of walking and the suppression of the fear of constantly falling may in fact explain a lot about human behaviour.
Now just imagine an alien’s reaction to a woman on the ship getting her period. The aliens can smell blood, and they’ve just had a fight with some space pirates. Sel’then’ek is making sure everyone is okay when he gets to Rachel and smells blood.
Sel’then’ek: “HumanRachel are you okay?”
Rachel: “What? Um yeah I’m fine, I’m just going to the bathrooms real quick.”
Sel’then’ek: “Rachel do not lie to me! I can smell your blood! Where are you injured? Let me help!”
Humans are terrifying: Resistance to Damage and Small Arms
What if aliens’ weapons are nowhere near lethal to us, just painful? Like, either they use energy weapons that at worst cause slight burns or perhaps growths under prolonged exposure, or their kinetic-kill weapons are comparable to BB/air guns, paintballs, or airsoft pellets? And despite their likely larger frame, they lack the muscle density we have, so either they can’t swing/stab their melee weapons hard enough to damage us, or their weapons are made out of such inferior material that they just shatter or fold, or bounce off our skin altogether? What if they have to use ship-grade or anti-vehicular weapons against us?
What if we’re the Space Badgers?
Commander’s Log, 2e.455.6789
They just. Keep. Coming.
My unit has been entrenched in the Ghûrzáan Mountains on [Ophii Beta 1-6b-Theta], the third moon in orbit around the massive gas giant, for [three days]. We started with 10,000 of the finest the Grand Army had to offer. In the [two weeks] since the humans arrived, that number has been pruned and has dwindled to a meager 2,300. They landed with 6,000, and have only lost 153. They essentially have the moon already, but we are holding out the best we can. Gods above, we hope rescue arrives soon.
They are so much smaller than us! How? How is it possible that they have this level of durability? One ‘Praivet’ as they called the warrior, but a lowly grunt(!!!), stood against MY ENTIRE THIRD ARMORED DIVISION, taking about 70 souls and 13 of my finest heavy assault vehicles with it to the After. A gods-blessed TANK ROUND traveling at [320 meters/second] only killed the human because it struck it in the head and severed its central nervous ganglion, through sheer force alone. Upon examination, and despite hairline fractures and heavy bruising, the human’s bones and flesh were INTACT. Our normal small-arms fire bounce off of their skin and our energy weapons hardly singe their clothes. Our melee weapons can’t even penetrate their suits, much less their flesh.
Their weapons and armor are absolute madness. Iron-base armors, with heavy metal weaves and supplication, and carbon-nanotube weave in a graphene substrate. Their bullet-proof garments are made out of simple CLOTH. They use titanium… for LIGHT plating. Their rifles weigh three times the weight of our light anti-tank weaponry, and fire with about 130 times the force. Their bullets, accelerated to about a thousandth of the speed of light, almost compare with the delivered force of our anti-tank missiles.
They are made out of carbon-, nitrogen-, and hydrogen-based sugars and proteins. Their blood has iron in it. They breathe OXYGEN. Their bones are strengthened with calcium. THEY ARE PREDATORY AND CONTAIN LETHAL MICRO-ORGANSIMS INSIDE THEIR ORGANS AND ON THEIR SKIN.
They can move almost effortlessly in our preferred environment. They can punch with enough force to rupture your insides. They can tear your limb off and use it as a club. They routinely stand off one to tens with our own forces.
We need rescue. Before there is no one left to rescue.
Dear gods, they found us. If anyone from the Illustrious Empire of the Vhârashjeenzi discover these records, this is my one and final warning: Do not engage humanity, as I did. They cannot be stopped. They will prove to be our ruin.