humans and aliens

anonymous asked:

1.Kamski x student!reader. Reader is majoring in A.I. and they always looked up at Kamski(and had a slight crush on him) . As one of their biggest projects they create their own android with different coding. It becomes a big sensation and journalist start to call reader as a "next Elijah Kamski". Reader is quite uncomfortable with all the attention they receive, but they wish that they died right away when they knew that Kamski wanted to meet them! - 👽

Kamski wants to meet the reader, because they remind him of himself in their age. He also looks at reader’s android code and decides to use his connections to give reader job as one of the Cyberlife developers, since program they wrote is smooth af(lol). So they meet when reader presents their model to the public. Kamski talks with them, and he finds himself amused at reader enthusiasm about A.I. He starts to crave more of them and continues to keep in touch with them

Reader is ecstatic - their idol noticed them! So, long story short soon they become close friends. Elijah and reader share their ideas about new android features and discuss are androids really sentient. Then reader meets their s/o, and they don’t spend as much time with Kamski as they had. Kamski finds himself a little bit jealous, but he tells himself that it’s just because he became too close to reader, but then he sees reader with their girl/boyfriend and to his own shock he is livid

He starts to stalk on them via androids. When he hears that reader will marry soon he takes an action and kidnaps them

Alien at it again! Also, this was basically pretty cute & good till the last paragraph lmao

Can you even imagine being the poor alien sod responsible for auditing an earthling spaceship’s spending allowance? Like: 

“I see, and why do you require many tubes of white plant flavoured paste?” 

“Oh well, if we don’t rub that on our teeth twice daily the bacteria living in my mouth will begin to devour me teeth.” 

“…Noted.” 

“I have also noticed several large shipments of specific medications, and a variety of individually packaged absorbent material - however injury records do not show sufficient numbers to justify these recurrent deliveries.” 

“Ah, yeah, it’s not really an injury per say. As part of our natural reproductive cycle approximately half the population will shed the lining of one of their internal organs and expel it.”

“…that is the most horrifying thing that I have ever heard.”

“Yeah.”

“Does such a process not hurt?”

“That’l be what the medication’s for. Pain killers for the cramps, birth control to stop the process.” 

“…and your reasoning behind the fully functional, high-tech entertainment system?” 

“Okay, that we could probably do without. But in our defence that was actually insisted on as a standard feature of all fleet-ships expected to encounter Terrans. Admiral Plo’Kaght insisted on it. Something about bored humans and a an illegal betting ring featuring a cleaning robot with a knife strapped to it going up against a human with a mop?” 

“…I believe I should speak with my superiors.” 

Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!

Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.

Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?

Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.

Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?

Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?

Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.

A lot of ‘humans are weird’ posts play with the idea that humans are one of the few species that actually evolved as a predator and, as such, we are unusually strong and fast— but what if we’re not.

What if we’re tiny?

What if, to the majority of species in the galaxy, ten feet tall is unusually short— it basically only happens due to rare genetic conditions— and the average human is basically cat sized or smaller?

Instead of being terrified by our strength, the aliens’ most pressing concern is how exactly they’re going to communicate with us when we’re all the way down on the ground.

There are experiments, with aliens crouching low or humans standing on high platforms— but it usually ends up being either uncomfortable for the alien or dangerous for the human, or both, and just generally impractical for everyone.

But, while the diplomats and politicians are trying to figure out a dignified and simple solution, the ordinary people who actually have to work with the aliens have found one. Humans are, generally, pretty good climbers, and most species have conveniently places scales, feathers, fur or clothing that can act as a hand or foothold. Sure, some humans have a fear of heights, but those aren’t typically the ones going into space. Besides, climbing on a living alien often feels safer than climbing up a rock or something— at least you know you’ve got somebody to catch you.

Soon it becomes accepted that that’s the way humans travel with aliens— up high, easy to see and hard to tread on (there were quite a few… near misses, in the first few meetings between humans and aliens), balanced on somebody’s shoulder like the overgrown monkeys that we are.

Many humans see this as kind of an insult and absolutely refuse to go along with it, but they aren’t the ones who end up spending a lot of time with aliens— it’s just too inconvenient to talk to somebody all the way down on the ground. The ones that do best are the ones who just treat it like it’s normal, allowing themselves to be carried (at least, it’s 'carrying’ when the aliens are within earshot. Among themselves, most humans jokingly refer to it as 'riding’), and passing on tips to their friends about the best ways to ride on different species without damaging feathers, or stepping on sensitive spots (or, in at least one case, ending up with a foot full of poisonous spines…).

The reason they don’t feel patronised by this is that they know, and they know that nearly everyone else in the galaxy knows, that humans are not just pets.

After all, you’d be surprised when a small size comes in handy.

Need somebody to look at the wiring in a small and fairly inaccessible area of the ship? Ask a human.

Need somebody to fix this fairly small and very detailed piece of machinery? Ask a human, they’re so small that their eyes naturally pick up smaller details.

Trapped under rubble and need somebody to crawl through a small gap and get help? Ask a human— most can wriggle through any gap that they can fit their head and shoulders through.

If you’re a friend, humans can be very useful. If, on the other hand, you’re an enemy…

Rumours spread all around the galaxy, of ships that threatened humans or human allies and started experiencing technical problems. Lights going off, wires being cut— in some cases, the cases where the threats were more than just words and humans or friends of humans were killed, life support lines have been severed, or airlocks have mysteriously malfunctioned and whole crews have been sucked out into space.

If the subject comes up, most humans will blame it on “gremlins” and exchange grim smiles when they’re other species friends aren’t looking.

By this point, most ships have a crew of humans, whether they like it or not. Lots of humans, young ones generally, the ones who want to see a bit of the universe but don’t have the money or connections to make it happen any other way, like to stowaway on ships. They’ll hang around the space ports, wait for a ship’s door to open and dart on in. The average human can have quite a nice time scurrying around in the walls of an alien ship, so long as they’re careful not to dislodge anything important.

Normally nobody notices them, and the ones that do tend not  to say anything— it’s generally recognised that having humans on your ship is good luck.

If there are humans on your ship, they say, then anything you lose will be found within a matter of days, sometimes even in your quarters; any minor task you leave out— some dishes that need to be cleaned, a report that needs to be spellchecked, some calculations that need to be done— will be quickly and quietly completed during the night; any small children on the ship, who are still young enough to start to cry in the night, will be soothed almost before their parents even wake, sometimes even by words in their own tongue, spoken clumsily through human vocal chords. If any of the human are engineers (and a lot of them are, and still more of them aren’t, but have picked up quite a few tricks on their travels from humans who are) then minor malfunctions will be fixed before you even notice them, and your ship is significantly less likely to experience any major problems.

The humans are eager to earn their keep, especially when the more grateful aliens start leaving out dishes of human-safe foods for them.

This, again, is considered good luck— especially since the aliens who aren’t kind to the humans often end up losing things, or waking up to find that their fur has been cut, or the report they spent hours on yesterday has mysteriously been deleted.

To human crew members, who work on alien ships out in the open, and have their names on the crew manifest and everything, these small groups of humans are colloquially referred to as 'ship’s rats’. There’s a sort of uneasy relationship between the two groups. On the one hand, the crew members regard the ship’s rats as spongers and potential nuisances— on the other hand, most human crew members started out as ship’s rats themselves, and now benefit from the respect (and more than a little awe) that the ship’s rats have made most aliens feel for humans. The general arrangement is that ship’s rats try to avoid ships with human crew members and, when they can’t, then they make sure to stay out of the crew members’ way, and the crew members who do see one make sure not to mention them to any alien crew members.

The aliens who know, on the other hand, have gotten into the habit of not calling them by name— mainly because they’re shaky as the legality of this arrangement, and don’t want to admit that anything’s going on. Instead they talk about “the little people” or “the ones in the walls” or, more vaguely, “Them”.

Their human friends— balancing on their shoulders, occasionally scurrying down and arm so as to get to a table, or jumping from one person’s shoulder to another, in order to better follow the conversation— laugh quietly to themselves when they hear this.

Back before the first first contact, lot of people on Earth thought that humans would become space orcs. Little did they know, they’d actually end up as space fae.

Humans are weird...

I love all these humans are weird posts so I’m trying my hand at one. I’ve been thinking, humans are like, ridiculous specialists. Our brains is so big we’re born prematurely so as not to tear our mothers apart. And we’re born crazy weak and we have super long childhoods to compensate. We pack bond and bond with bigger creatures to deal with this (this is why we think babies of all species are cute, it’s basically a drive to take care of this weak little thing because our own children are so weak). So what if alien species evolved so there was one, super weak but really brilliant species, has fine motor skills, huge language skills etc, and one that evolved as a symbiote that was basically huge protective dog/ox type to do the heavy lifting. And it’s really bizarre that we don’t have this symbiosis. Like the fact that humans are a stand alone species is weird. We seem huge and bulky to the tiny intelligent species (in my head it’s basically an otter/raven hybrid) and small and delicate to the other. And they don’t get how we function alone, until they see us spilling our pack bonding instincts all over everything, hostile predators, teddy bears, roombas, even cups with little chips in them. And then it’s like, oh I see, you don’t bond really strongly to one thing you bond just a little bit to everything and wait to see what sticks.

After the Invasion

So you know how there’s all these posts about how aliens invade Earth only to realize that Earth is a death planet and/or Space Australia as the flora, fauna, weather, and natural disasters kill them off and traumatize them? Well, imagine that the alien invaders finally give up and leave Earth. What chases them off? I imagine that the resistance starts putting out information on cryptids. It’s the last straw for the invaders, especially since even the human inhabitants native to Earth seem to be confused about exactly how dangerous said cryptids are, and so the aliens have no way to be prepared to face them. Morale plummets (even further) and alien command has to call off the invasion due to the public outcry, making history as the first time this group of aliens has retreated from an invasion.

The surviving humans soon realize that the honor of chasing off that group of aliens has attracted a lot of attention from other groups of aliens. Some of these aliens are looking at possibly invading.  Others want to work with humans to turn Earth into a space vacation-destination. In order to discourage invaders while simultaneously attracting curious tourists, much information about the animals most infamous among the invaders is made readily available to the alien community in general, along with a lot of information on cryptids. Information on non-cryptids and cryptids is presented to aliens in much the same way, and the humans never clarify which are which, so many invaders are too scared to try and invade, while many tourists are intrigued by the potential mystery.

Of course, the tourists are horrified to learn that the hippopotamus is not, as they had thought, a cryptid.  

Humans: Space Mythbusters

I was watching the last episode ever of Mythbusters today, and I randomly remembered all those “humans are weird” posts I’ve been near-obsessively reading.

So imagine aliens being exposed to the very show itself? I mean humans technically count as “space mythbusters” already (thing doesn’t work? Duct tape. Also we’re always asking ourselves “what if I do this, will that happen?” And trying flat out foolish ideas just because. Things usuallymight blow up when we’re around.) So imagine if aliens, slowly familiarizing themselves with human culture and entertainment came across Mythbusters- a crew of humans literally attaching rockets to a car just to see if it will fly and how fast, blowing cement trucks (and anything else they can get their hands on) up, fooling around with guns, wakeboarding behind a cruiser, messing with gravity by dropping things like human replicas (they call it “Buster”, and someone explained it is a crash test dummy) and elevators down from huge heights, and making ordinary everyday items lethal (usually by the means of Jamie Hyneman building a gun to shoot them as bullets), splitting boats in half, building an actual bridge out of duct tape, etc. All for the sake of science and entertainment.

I imagine they would be so terrified to find out that THIS is essentially what the “for science” exclamation when doing something dangerous, foolish, or lethal (or all of the above,) means to humans.

Feel free to add more.

Human’s are loyal if properly bonded part 2

When Michael and I arrived at the trading station we were immediately swarmed by a pack of humans that pounced on them, squeezing and punching and other violent forms of affection as they whooped at each other in one of the many, many human dialects. I had a brief moment of panic that they would abandon me to go with their own species, but they turned to me after a minute, their arm still slung around another human’s shoulders, and introduced me in Common.

“Mikel! These friends! Alice, Cooper, Rayla, and Mina. All one, this Mikel. They friend!”

The humans smiled at me, though one looked concerned and rattled off a stern sounding phrase in human. Michael looked like they had been struck and shook their head, making a negative noise. The other human, Alice, persisted and Michael seemed to shrink down, hunching their shoulders and hanging their head.

They turned pleading eyes on me. “Hey, Alice need ask question. Uh… Rules? Safe rules. Okay?”

I bowed respectfully. “I will answer any questions as best I can.”

Alice mimicked my bow and spoke in perfect common. “Hello, Mikel. Can I speak to you alone? I just have a few questions. It’s a matter of protocol and won’t take long.”

I clamped my wings nervously to my back but nodded. “Will… Will Michael still be here after?”

Michael made an offended noise. “I no leave you!”

She smiled softly. “Yes, he will be waiting for you. Come with me please.” She led me down a few hallways and into a room where she had me perch and offered me a glass of water. I accepted and gave a few splashes to my green bean plant, named Toots by Michael with some form of humor I did not grasp, before sipping it gratefully.

“Now, Michael said that you were on the Pirate Queen’s ship?”

“Yes, I was a hostage from Murania working there. I cleaned and kept the prisoners properly fed.”

“I see. And he said you helped him escape?”

“Yes, though I did not realize at the time that was what I was doing.” At her concerned expression I hastened to add, “I am glad I helped, I just wish I could have done so knowingly. You humans can do a lot of unexpected damage with a shiny rock and some pipe.”

She nodded. “That is true. You’re planning on exploring now that you’re free?”

I nodded happily. “Yes! Michael said he would use the Queen’s bounty to buy a ship for us, one big enough for me to have a whole room to garden in!”

“Wouldn’t you rather go home? See your family?”

I clucked sadly. “No, all of my broodmates died on the Queen’s ship. Many were killed and eaten in front of me.”

“Your parents? Cousins? Surely you have other family. Why don’t you want to go home?”

I felt pressured and scolded and I did not like it. I stood and fluffed my feathers irritably. “I was barely more than a fledgling when I was taken. If I returned to my home planet it would be unfamiliar and sad, and my remaining family would expect me to be someone I have long since ceased to be. I have spent the last several years being the perfect servant, doing what is expected of me, being what is expected of me. Maybe one day I will visit my home planet, but I do not want to be shoved into another role to play, even by well meaning relatives.”

Alice hummed. “So you really want to explore uncharted planets with a human?”

I hopped decidedly. “Yes! Human Michael is my friend, and I theirs I am teaching them my language and Common, they are teaching me about humans. I enjoy their company, and they enjoy mine! It is an excellent situation and I do not like your questions!”

She smiled and leaned back in her seat. “That is good. I am happy for you both.”

I squinted suspiciously. “You did not sound happy before.”

She laughed softly. “It’s protocol. Unfortunately, humans seem to be pretty intimidating to other species. We found there was a huge problem with other species going along with what we wanted out of fear, so we started a rule that before a major life altering decision was made by another species, we would have another human try question them to make sure it was actually what they wanted.” She leaned forward again and tried to make eyecontact with me. “That said, I need you to know that if you ever feel threatened by Michael, if he ever hurts you or makes you feel unsafe, my team will move you to safety, okay?”

I nodded. “That is appreciated, but I feel unnecessary.”

Alice smiled and handed me a slip of paper with a hailing frequency. “I feel it is too, but just in case, here is a way to contact us if you need to get away. Michael’s in the Ship Bay.”

I tucked the paper into the bow adorning Toots’ pot. “I thank you, human Alice. May I return to Michael now? I wish to give my opinion on what ship we might get for our adventures.”

“Of course, Mikel. And it is good to meet you. By the way, the hailing frequency will reach a non human who is experienced with dealing with humans.”

I nodded and clicked out of the room. Michael had better not get that stupid T91Z he had been talking about. The sublight engines were shit and the extra hull plating did NOT make up for it. Hull plating would not ‘do for shit’ if the sublight engines gave out a month of propulsion hours from a light speed route.

As I awkwardly hopped along the hallway I suddenly realized that I was no longer forbidden from flying. Nervously, I spread my wings and flapped, propelling myself a few meters ahead. I chittered in excitement and continued hop gliding towards the ship bay, loving the stretch in long neglected muscles.

It was nice that humans tried to protect me from other humans. They were kind like that. Humans were big, loud, strong, vicious, and aggressive, but they were also kind, loyal, and protective.

If a bit stupid at times.

“We are NOT flying the Deep in a fucking T91Z, Michael!” I squawked indignantly.

Michael bumped their head on the stabilizer strut and backed guiltily away with a muttered. “But hull plating…”

“Fuck. No.” I strutted towards a much more practical CB39. Fuck was a human word I very much enjoyed. It was perfectly emphatic and versatile and was the only word in the four languages I knew that could succinctly sum up the emotions a stubborn human would inflict.

Several hours, a few shed feathers, a shouting match, and a satisfying bargaining episode with a very nervous ship dealer while a large human loomed over my shoulders with their arms crossed, Michael and I boarded our new BE73 named Mike’n’Mike.

I carefully set Toot’s pot in the piloting bay and stood back to look at our new ship.

“Look good home.” Michael tapped the wall with their knuckles.

I preened contentedly. “It does look like a good home.”

Look out Deep, Mikel is coming for you with a fucking human at her back.

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6, Part 7

Full Story on A3o

What if there was an alien species who didn’t ‘get’ music? They have no sense of rhythm or anything like that, so from their perspective humans occasionally just randomly change the pitch of their voices while talking about random things. They find it insane that there’s a whole human industry devoted to making instruments and other humans fluctuate the pitch and speed of their voices into a recording device.

Eventually the humans explain music to them and they learn to just put up with it as another 'crazy human thing’.

Now imagine a ship where half the crew is human and half is this other species. There’s a bit of a friendly rivalry between the two species and they often play pranks on each other. So one week the humans hide magnets all around the ship, knowing that this messes with the magnetic crystals in the aliens’ brains that help them find their way around. The humans have great fun watching their crew mates keep bumping into things and the aliens swear revenge.

The next week some music is played over the ship’s intercom. But it’s not just any music. Every song that the aliens have ever heard referred to as “annoying” or “catchy” is played over and over. To the aliens it’s just white noise, to the humans it’s torture.
It gets worse, however. For days after the incident, the aliens dilate their breathing flaps in amusement whenever they hear humans complain about “that stupid song!” They’d heard about the human concept of 'songs getting stuck in heads’ but didn’t think it would work so well…

Ok so I had a “humans are weird” thought:

What if we’re the only species that get freaked out by the “uncanny,” what if that’s just a mammal thing and with the idea that inanimate objects that look like us  “could” spontaneously come to life and try to kill us is something that only we even so much as think of.

A group of alien crew mates find this out the hard way by buying human Jane what they think is a nice gift; an old “china human shaped doll” with jet black hair, scarlet red lips, pale china face and paler glass eyes.

Granted it is “preloved” possibly was a child’s, it’s a little dirty and chipped, some kind of squiggle has been drawn on it’s face but human Jane so holds close her Earth “art pieces”. They believe this object resembling a innocent human young, though battered ,would make a good addition to her small collection.
 
They take it back to the ship with them and place " the thoughtful gift” on her cabinet by her bed in her quarters, this way she will see the “lovely” gift as soon as she enters her room. They all hide round the door in the room opposite to watch her gleeful surprise, human Jane likes surprises so they don’t wish to spoil it by just handing it to her.

After serval minuets Jane appears and makes her way to her room.
The aliens huddle closer in anticipation of watching her reaction of joy.
Jane walks into the room.
She freezes.
They huddle closer waiting for the signs of joy.

However serval minuets seem to go past. 
Jane doesn’t move a inch.
She doesn’t even seem to be breathing.
Wide eyed she is stands staring the doll straight in the eyes.
Some how she seems to be even stiller than even the doll it’s self.

The aliens look at each other perplexed…
Is this what these “dolls” are suppose to do?
They could of swear they have seen human infants play happily with such things in the past!
Does she not know what it is? Can she not see it is a toy human shaped ornamental model?
Wait have they accidently given her a gift to signify insult or threat? …Do humans even have those?
Maybe this doll was made to practise the odd human “ Stair at each other” contest or  “Mr Summon says” game?
….Maybe she is so over joyed they “broke” her?

One of them gets fed up of waiting and decides to move it closer to Jane so she can get a better look, it at least might make her snap out of what he hopes is a joyful trance and get her to just take the silly thing.

To all of their shock the doll has merely twitched before Jane bolts out the door, lobbing her clip board device as hard as she can towards the human toy as she goes, she vanishes down the hall, her ear piecing scream still audible even when she’s long vanished and hallways away.

The group of witnessing aliens simply stand, completely and utterly perplexed…..



More Space Australia headcannons

Okay so imagine humans being the only ones with hobbies? Other alien cultures might be diverse, but you kind of just do one thing with your life? The aliens find what they like and specialise in that particular field for the rest of their lives? Which by the way can span centuries.

Meanwhile, humans might work as garbage collectors but also be really good at music? Work as baristas but spend the rest of their time writing a novel or dreaming about acting? Or work three jobs so they can afford going to med school or law school? And maybe even play a sport fairly good on top of that, like tennis or rock climbing or whatever? Or be really good at building stuff or painting or do math or sing or play video games?

Imagine the human being bored in mess hall and start drawing their crew mates.

“Human Dana, I thought you were in charge of communication?”

“I am, why do you ask?”

“Human Dana, you are clearly pursuing the art of painting. Did something happen that made you want to change your life around? Do you need assistance?”

“Lay off, I’m just doodling.”

“Human Dana, I have never heard of anyone doing two careers at once. It is not safe!”

“Look, I always doodled, since I was a child, okay?”

“This is highly unusual!”

Dana catches the eye of another human waving in their direction.

“I have to go, me and Sam are going down to play basketball in the holodeck. Wanna come?”

The alien spluttered. There must have been some kind of mistake. Only engineers were allowed on this flight. Painters and athletes had no place there. And yet, Human Dana did their duties as part of the crew. There were no doubt they were an engineer.

The alien sighed. Their command had warned them that the humans were more than they seemed. They just hadn’t said how much more.

anonymous asked:

Imagine if aliens found out about the human activity of parkour.

Humans, to put it simply, are ambitious. They were building prototype airplanes before they really understood what flight was. They sent living things into space when they could barely see past their own solar system. Humans are willing to try anything in order to accomplish what they want.

This doesn’t just go for groundbreaking endeavors and adventures. They were slower than the animals they hunted, so they invented bows and arrows to catch them faster. When humans became impatient, their ambition drove them to invent the gun; much more efficient and effective than the bow and arrow. Everything that has affected human development has been because of their unparalleled ambition.

Now, humans are incredibly smart; it’s why their ambition actually produces considerable results. They know a lot about themselves and the environment around them; they know that their closest relative is the ape, and to an extend, the monkey. They know that they share traits, and that some are unique to their species. To simplify, humans are not monkeys, and they know this. So why do they climb like monkeys? Why do they put themselves at risk to jump and bound in ways their bodies are not adapted to? It is not natural. They train for this; they practice. They hurt themselves, time and time again, until they get it right. They label this torture a sport, and have dubbed it “parkour”. They force their bodies to do what they want them to do, no matter the cost. And this is the most terrifying ambition of them all.

Okay, another of these humans-in-space things:

Just imagine: What if all aliens were completely colourblind (maybe this has another evolutionary advantage, i.e. better night vision, or they simply didn’t need it on their planet)? So far, humans are the first species anyone has ever encountered that has such a thing as colour vision, which confuses the hell out of the aliens.

And the humans? Suffer!

Because everything. Is. Absolutely. Hideous!

I mean, because they can’t see them, everyone wears the ugliest colour combinations ever! Everything they’ve ever built might have nice and fancy shapes, but it still looks horrid.

Just imagine that poor human crewmember walking to their post on the brisge for the first time, only to find that the walls and ceiling are fucking neon yellow! And all the chairs are either olive green or purple, no one else can tell the difference. And maybe there are some turquoise highlights.

(The captain standing in the middle in his hot pink and crimson striped uniform doesn’t improve matters at all.)

The human groans and looks like they just want to turn around and run away (not that the rest of the ship looks any better). The aliens are confused.

“What’s wrong, human? Are you sick?”

“No, but I will be soon, if I keep looking at this. The colours…!”

“The what?!”

A few weeks later, the ship is safely docked in a space station and everyone is enjoying their shore leave. Well, everyone except the human, because they’re busy repainting the entire bridge because those colours definitely count as a hazardous work environment.

So the captain and first officer come back early to find their human still doing that, now covered in paint which has the exact shade of light grey the bridge previously had. For the aliens there is no visible difference.

“Sorry Captain, I promise I’m almost done!”

The captain just sighs and shakes xir head. Sometimes it’s better to let humans just do whatever it is they’re doing. Trying to understand them would be pointless.

(From that day on, the human is a lot more relaxed during their shift.)

We abducted humans.

To be fair, we abducted members of every new race. Abduct a small percentage of the population, expose them to some galactic prisoners, and we get a good idea of what germs, diseases, and viruses will make the jump between races. Do this over the course of a [roughly equivalent to a century], and you get a good idea of what there is, how quickly it mutates, etc. You also have the time to develop vaccines for any races that might be affected by the new race (including itself- we’re not heartless).

But we underestimated humans.

It was [roughly equivalent to four decades] into our testing of humanity. We picked up a human from his transport and placed him in a containment cell. He had some nutrients with him, and we picked that up too: less we had to feed him later.

But we underestimated the resourcefulness of humans.

Something went wrong- we think it was a door malfunction- and he escaped the cell. He disabled the guards easily (we suspect they were less alert than they should have been) and took their weapons. We locked all hatches, hoping to seal him in the laboratory wing. Unfortunately, he hacked the shipboard computer, gaining control of all systems. He made his way to the bridge, where he took the captain hostage. We offered him riches, technologies beyond human understanding.

But we underestimated the stubbornness of humans.

He was paid us no mind as he wrestled with the controls, as if on some quest. He punched numbers and figures into the console, and mumbled something about ‘being lit on fire’ by a superior. He set the ship down on the other side of the city from where he was picked up and opened the doors. We braced ourselves for a military confrontation, but it seemed like we were outside another human’s abode. He jumped out, carrying the nutrients with him.

We underestimated Domino’s 30-minute or free guarantee.

Humans love shiny things.

No, seriously, look around you next time you’re in a building and count the number of things that are shiny even thiugh they do not need to be shiny.

Humans are naturally attracted to any thing that shines, shimmers or glitters— I mean for fucks sake, we invented glitter. There are people right now who work in glitter factories and so whose sole job is to make shiny things for people to put nonshiny things so as to make them shiny.

We paint our nails and faces with glittery varnishes and shimmery powders. We use gloss on our lips to make them shinier. We shine our shoes to make ourselves look smart. We have been known to start fucking wars over who owns the bits of land with the shiny rocks in. Genocides have been commited and kingdoms toppled because one group had a lot of shiny metals and the other group wanted those shiny metals.

Why, then, do we all like shiny things so much?

Well, scientists now think that it’s probably because we evolved in a desert. If you’re living in a desert, then you’re going to need to be constantly be on the lookout for water, and water shines in the sun. So the best way to survive in a desert environment is to just chase after everything that shines because it might be water.

So now imagine how weird this would all be to a species who didn’t evolve in a desert.

Imagine aliens just being baffled by the human habit of wearing certain rocks— or even just pieces of glass or plastic cut to look like those rocks— just because we like the way they catch the light. Imagine aliens who come from worlds where there are a lot of shiny rocks bringing them back for their human friends to see and watching, puzzled, as said human friends start wearing the rocks around their necks, wrists, fingers or even (weirdly) stuck through special holes they make in their ears.

“Thank you so much! These are beautiful!”

“I literally just scooped up some of the gravel from the spaceport— how are you so amazed?”

Imagine caves on alien planets full of crystals and gems becoming huge tourist attractions for humans, and the aliens not understanding why because, on their planet, pretty much the only people who go to the caves are school groups and geologists. The caves are boring— why do the humans keep taking photos of a load of old rocks?

Alien: What are you doing?

Human, petting a cat: She’s sweet and sleepy, so I’m petting her.

Alien: But why is this other carnivore inside your home? Is it competing for territory?

Human: Lots of people have cats, they’re pets. But I mean, I’ve kind of accepted that she basically owns the place by now.

Alien: Does she serve any function for housekeeping? She seems too small the guard your home.

Human: Nah, she just naps all day mostly. She has been known to shred the furniture, though.

Alien: She provides no service and destroys your property and yet you allow her in your home anyway?! Why would y-

Cat: *starts purring and kneading paws*

Alien: *soft gasp*

“We just do.”

Despite many decades of computers, the humans had never stopped writing by hand.  Rachel tried to explain to her cenandi friends the differences in human brain function between ‘handwriting’ and other ways of recording information.  X’elen and Gorek listened politely, but found the concepts - well - incomprehensible.  

“But every human writes the same word differently,” protested X’elen, “how can you even comprehend that stuff?”

“There are subtle differences,” agreed Rachel, “but there are underlying conventions and similarities which allow us to read each other’s writing most of the time.”

“Its so unreliable!” exclaimed Gorek, “There isn’t a human on the ship who can read Temara’s handwriting.  Everyone just asks her what it says.”

“Ah, Temara uses shorthand,” said Rachel, “she tried to teach us, but she’s the only one on the ship who had the patience to master it.”

“So this ‘handwriting’ has multiple forms?”  asked X’elen, “How do you even know which form to apply.”

“We just do.” Rachel had tried hard to explain, but found herself falling back on the archetypical human response.  

A few days later…

Gorek saw Martin working at an angled board.  The activity was clearly ‘writing’, but Gorek had never seen a human write so slowly.  Martin appeared to be paying a great deal of attention to carefully drawing and decorating each work his pen created.  Gorek watched for a while in absolute confused fascination.  

Finally, the scrutiny penetrated Martin’s trance.  He looked up, “Hi Gorek, are you thinking of taking up calligraphy?”

“Calli-what?  I thought you were writing.”

Martin laughed.  “I am.”

Gorek’s ears dropped in complete confusion.  Would the humans ever make sense?  “But you called it…”

“Calligraphy,” Martin supplied the unfamiliar term.  “Its an especially decorative form of handwriting that we use for special occasions.  This is for Rachel and James’ wedding.”

“Rachel was explaining that writing helps human brains to process information differently,” said  Gorek, “do you need to apply special mental processing as part of the wedding rituals?”

“Not exactly that,” said Martin, “I’m just doing this because it looks nice, it makes the occasion a bit special, you know?”

Gorek clearly didn’t ‘know’.  

Martin fell back on the standard, “Its just something humans do.  Please don’t mention it to Rachel and James, I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“What is ‘surprise’?” asked Gorek.

Martin sighed.  His calligraphy would have to wait for a little while.  

Never bond with a Human if you will use them

So, I have been reading all about this “You want a bonded human in your team, they will protect you even if they might die”…but you know how humans get if they fell used.

Now imagine a human saving their crew, and later learning that the very crew they rescued, only “bonded” with them for protection. That they never cared. Imagine the heartbreak. 

BUT humans bond with everybody/everything.. And while they MIGHT not be resentfull, they have somebody on their side who IS . AND THEY ARE COMING FOR YOUR ASS. They will hunt your ship, they will ruin your reputation. They will destroy your life and the life of your crew. All because you decided to use a human. And hurt they feelings