humans live for you

sexist customer comment of the day

Customer: *about to leave without his credit card*
Me: “Sir! Your card!”
Customer: “Oh thank you! Wouldn’t want to leave this behind!”
Me: “Aw it’s okay I would’ve made sure it was safe….after I went on a little shopping spree hahahah”
Customer: “Hahahahahah…but there aren’t any clothing stores in this shopping center so you wouldn’t get very far”
Me, internally: what in your crusty ass mind makes me you think I’d only be buying clothes with near unlimited funds you living human turd

anonymous asked:

I mean I don't think that the kid deserves what happened and I don't think it's really something that should be mocked either, but what do you mean that animals are lesser to human lives?

I mean that an animal life will never be worth more than a human's… like…

anonymous asked:

It's a real fucking shame that a bird can't live as long as a human, isn't it? You'll live the rest of your life with nothing but your sorrow. Figures.

I um…. I have no response to this…

I’m not going to be alone… I have friends, and a boyfriend. Plus Poppy is incredibly well taken care of. He’s around for the long haul!
What we really need is an adaptation of the original 1740 The Beauty and the Beast

So were you aware that the The Beauty and the Beast story we all know is a heavily abridged and rewritten version of a much longer novella by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve?  And that a lot of the plot holes existing in the current versions exist because the 1756 rewrite cut out the second half of the novella, which consisted entirely of the elaborate backstory that explains all the weird shit that happened before?  And that the elaborate backstory is presented in a way that’s kind of boring because the novel had only just been invented in 1740 and no one knew how they worked yet, but contains a bazillion awesome ideas that beg for a modern retelling?  And that you are probably not aware that the modern world needs this story like air but the modern world absolutely needs this story like air?  Allow me to explain:

The totally awesome elaborate backstory that explains Beauty and the Beast

  • Once upon a time there was a king, a queen, and their only son
  • But while the prince was still in his infancy, in a neat reversal of how these fairy tales usually go, the king tragically died, leaving his wife to act as Regent until their son reaches maturity
  • Unfortunately, the rulers of all the lands surrounding them go, “Hmm, the kingdom is ruled by a woman now, it must be weak, time for an invasion!”
  • And the Queen goes, “Well, if I let some general fight all these battles for me, he’ll totally amass enough fame and power to make a bid for the throne; if I want to protect my son’s crown, I have no choice but to take up arms and lead the troops myself!
  • (Btw, I want to stress that this woman is not Eowyn or Boudica and nothing in the way her story is presented suggests that she had any interest martial exploits before or in any way came to enjoy them during these battles.  This is a perfectly ordinary court lady who would much rather be embroidering altar covers for the royal chapel and playing with her child until necessity made her go, “Oh no, this sucks, I guess I have to become a Warrior Queen now” and she just happened to kick ass at it anyway.)
  • And the Queen totally kicked ass, but the whole “twice as good for half the credit” thing meant that no matter how many battles she won, potential enemies refused to take her and her army seriously until she had defeated them so no sooner would she fend off one invasion than another one would pop up on a different border.
  • So she spent the majority of her young son’s life away from the castle leading armies, but it was OK because she left him in the care of her two best friends, who just happen to be fairies!  This was an awesome idea because a) fairies have magic, and therefore are like the best people to protect the prince from any threats and b) fairies consider themselves to be so above humanity that the lowest fairy outranks the highest mortal, so they’d have no interest in taking a human throne.  Good thing they were both good fairies instead of one good and one evil one!
  • (Spoiler:  they were not both good fairies.)
  • So the two fairies basically take turns raising the prince until he’s old enough to rule.  And on the eve of his twenty-first birthday, the evil older one comes into the prince’s bedroom.
  • “So listen, kid.  You’re about to become king, your mother’s on her way home from the war to see you crowned, and I have a third piece of good news for you!  You see, I’ve actually been spending so much time here lately because Fairyland’s become a bit too hot to hold me for reasons totally not related to me being secretly evil.  And if I have to hang in the human world, I might as well reside in the upper echelons of it, so even though as a powerful fairy I completely eclipse your puny human status in a staggeringly unimaginable way, since you’re about to be king and since my premonition that I should stick this whole guardianship thing out because you would be hot one day has totally proved accurate (go me), I will graciously lower myself to allowing you to marry me.  Please feel free to grovel at my feet in gratitude.  (Btw, we can totally start the wedding night now, we’ll tell your mother about it when she arrives tomorrow.)”

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But seriously tho, on the topic of temperatures we can survive and stuff, aliens would flip the heck out if they lived where i do.

I live in a part of southern Canada that gets so cold that being outside for more than 2 minutes means you have a good chance of getting frost bite.

My room has two outside walls, and is very well insulated. In the winter i get frost on the inside of my walls and i couldnt give two shits. I sleep with the exact same blankets i do in the summer.

Like you see all these things about Australia, or rainforests, or Florida, and how extreme they are.

But id like to see aliens take on a candian hosehead. They’re like red necks, but with more crazy stunts, more beer, and more guns. Like can you imagine???

Alien: ah yes a nice cool region this will do nicely for the invasian

Human: *careens off building on a ski doo towing another man on a toboggan, hollering about how he left his beer at the lodge*

Alien: well perhaps the local species are a bit strange, but mostly harmless! After all, this species of humans “can-ayy-dee-ins” are known throughout this planet as kind and docile, we shall have no difficu-SMACK- HOLY GILSNIP YOU HIT ME WITH A PEICE OF ICE YOU PRIES FROM THE LAKE AND NOW IM BLEEDING HOW DARE YOU FEEL MY WRATH

Humans: WEEEE HEEEHEHEEEEE you came to the wrong neighbour hood, bud!

Alien:…. my scans say you are heavily intoxicated. This shall be a easy fight

Human: *whistles loudly and gives a big toothy smile*

Alien: starts screaming as another human on a sled heads a MASSIVE HEARD OF WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BEAST ITS FURY AND IT HAS BEEN HORNS GREAT GILSNAP GET ME OUT OF HERE

Humans: high fiving as they climb on their sleds and chase after their herd of buffalo because that will take a while but it was ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT DID YOU SEE THAT ALIENS FACE GET REKT

guys so i was doin a space camp class today trying to explain astrophysics to these ass children and their parents and this one lil kid goes up to me and he was like

“rey can i ask you a question?”
“yeah!” i said, expecting to explain the distortion of time to this literal six year old
“are you a girl or a boy? because u know so much about space i think youre an alien. are you an alien or a girl or a boy?”

cue adults laughing nervously (im androgynous looking so they were probs thinkin the same thing)

“im stardust. and so are you. we’re all stardust,” i explain. “iron can only be made in the cores of dying stars and humans require supplements of iron to live. you guys are made of stars.”

and ive never seen this little kid’s eyes get so fucking wide and he looked down at his hands and he was like

“oh.”

10/10 best answer ive given to the are you a girl or a boy question

People of the World please spread the word  please read, I beg you

People, I’m venezuelan and I still live here, I’m one of those people that still believe that our country will be a good place to live someday. We are going through very hard and difficult times. I know I only post my art here and I don’t like to bother you with personal stuff, but this is much more than personal. THE PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD NEED TO BE INFORMED about what’s going on here in Venezuela. Since years, months, weeks and days, venezuelans in the country are fighting for our rights. We are protesting peacefully, we don’t want more dead or injured people, we don’t want our people to look in the trash for food anymore, we don’t want our people to make lines to buy the things they need, we don’t want our people dying in the hospitals because there is no medicine or equipment, we don’t want our people to be killed because they didn’t have a good phone to be stolen, we don’t want our children dying of hunger, we don’t want our classmates to be arrested for no reason and tortured in jail, we don’t want our beloved ones dying because they decided to protest, ALL WE WANT IS OUR RIGHTS TO BE RESPECTED! OUR RIGHTS AS HUMANS! You don’t know HOW PAINFUL is living in here, knowing that there are mothers that die, hungry because they gave the last they had to feed their babies and somewhere else there are people of the government relaxing on a beach, buying Mercedes Benz, or having a fancy dinner.  Yesterday, april 19 people took the streets one more time and the government  did the same as always. THREE people died yesterday in the hands of the government. Nicolás Maduro sabe que esto se acabó. He knows! We venezuelans have had ENOUGH of you! 

Today, april 20, the people went back to the streets, and it happened the same way. I was in my apartment and suddenly a lot of gnb (military police) appeared in the street. The people, that is really REALLY mad at them, started yelling and insulting them, they are murderers. The gnb started shooting at the buildings (some windows are broken) and then used lacrimogen gas on us. THEY ARE SHOOTING WITH GAS THE BUILDINGS WHERE ARE CHILDREN, BABIES AND OLD PEOPLE! 

WE CAN’T STAND THIS ANYMORE! THIS GOVERNMENT, THE GOVERNMENT OF NICOLAS MADURO MOROS IS KILLING US AND THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW IN ORDER TO NOT LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU! CHOOSE YOUR POLITICIANS WISELY, PEOPLE, OR YOU COULD END WITH A CORRUPT, DRUG DEALER, MURDERER PRESIDENT

I won’t post photos in here, but for the sake of you, search in twitter or instagram with the tags #20abril or #19abril. The social media is the only thing left for us. No tv channels or radio stations are transmitting what’s really happening

I’m sorry it’s a really long post but you don’t know how much more I want to write about this

speaking of which: using the word “violence” to describe property damage is intellectually dishonest at worst and just ignorant at best. you know what insurance is, right? you know insurance is real and exists? you know human lives and rights are objectively more important than property, which can be replaced?

come on. these discussions are exhausting. they’re circular, trite and based on you entirely misunderstanding how the world works on any level. or worse having a totally bizarre sense of empathy for a window or a sign

In the zombie apocalypse, there are the people who try to save humanity by protecting lives, those who try by protecting food and medicine, and you, who tries to save humanity from plunging back into the dark ages by trying to save the libraries

3

Do you play pool for real, and are you ambidextrous? 

“Umm, no I can’t write very well with my left hand. I can punch with my left hand so that’s good. 

Uh, do I play pool? Can I? Yes. Is it great? Not really. But, I can hit people with a pool stick as Alex. I sound very violent, jeez. It’s Alex, it’s not me. I’m like a little butterfly, I wouldn’t hurt anybody. 

Unless I’m Alex, and then I would kick peoples’ butts.”

I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.
—  Buckminster Fuller

Some Nerd: You see, we humans communicate with each other not only through verbal sounds, but also using signals with our body, especially our hands. For example, when I raise my arm like this and wave it back and forth…

Alien: Dude, we’ve been observing your planet for decades. We know about fucking waving, you asshole.

Some Nerd: Oh. I’m sorry, I thought…

Alien: Can you tell us why some humans live in excessive luxury while others live in poverty despite you all sharing the same planet, and have had the technology to transport goods across oceans for over a century?

Some Nerd: Eh….

Alien: Didn’t think so, numbnuts.

So lemme tell y'all a story:

I was in 10th grade honours English. I loved my teacher - she was super cool, but didn’t take any shit from anyone. During our time with her, she was going through a rough divorce.

Our teacher had developed this system: if we were good, she’d add “time” to our class, with each “time” being worth ten seconds, so we had to work hard. That meaning, she would give us a free period after we’d built up the exact time that a period extended to be. It was an earned privilege, and we always did our best to try and obtain it. Hell, playing puzzle games and reading was way more fun than a test or worksheet!

We were reading Animal Farm, a book my mom had given to me when I was ten bc she knew I loved to read and enjoyed anything that was thought-provoking. I’d read it then, and again later in my parochial middle school. Living in a big city, public schools aren’t well-funded, and I was lucky to have all my close family scrape together cash for a good education. Needless to say, I was rather familiar with the book.

Now back to the system! Our teacher had implemented a rule that every morning (she taught my first period class) we wood stand up and recite the commandments of animalism. We’d all try our hardest to do it perfectly, lest “time” be taken off our class. But one morning, she was… cold.

My classmates who’d recited before me were all told to sit down and stop reciting, because they were “wrong.” Knowing that, I was confused, as was everyone else. Yet, we all kept trying the same thing. She let the first few people finish. Then, she let people get partially through before she’d utter, “wrong” or something of the sort and deduct our hard-earned time.

It finally got to me; it was my turn. I stood up and started, and was immediately shut down by her. I was frustrated, to say the least. I replied after a second and told her that I was, indeed, right. She muttered for me to sit down. I refused, and by now she’d taken off twenty seconds. Everyone groaned, but I continued to disobey. Eventually, my classmates started telling me to just stop and it turned into yelling at me once I’d lost our hard-earned twenty minutes (meaning we had been halfway to a free period) as I continued to argue. Once we were in the negatives, people were literally yelling obscenities at me. They even yelled at her, blaming her divorce and period. Gross behaivour, mind you.

I didn’t stop.

The teacher said that she was going to call security and have me removed. I replied that it was a-okay with me to do so. I promptly walk out of the room and she followed up by telling me to wait in the hallway. I’d intended to walk to the office myself, but obliged figuring it was no matter to me.

I was in the hallway for about a minute before she rushed out and gently grabbed me by the shoulders. I was rightly confused. She gasped, and stammered out that she had never imagined it would happen. Why was she suddenly not being so ruthless? Why was she flabbergasted? Well, apparently what she’d “wanted” was for us to all fail. That it was a lesson, and she’d have given back the “time” she had removed. It was all about “knowing” what was coming, and how fascism meant that the rules could change at any time, without your knowledge and consent, but you could still be punished for it. She told me that she’d called security, and told them if they saw me in the hall during that call, to excuse me. Nobody had done that before. Apparently, throughout her decades of teaching, not one student had done that. They had all caved and sat down eventually.

You can be that person. In something that matters to us all. It’s not fun, but when has fighting for what’s right ever been easy?

anonymous asked:

Ok but what if all other civilized alien species coinhabit their solar system with at least one other species. So they all have inter species social skills. So when we finally make first contact we seem like a weird recluse cat lady of a species.

Aliens who are used to similarly-sentient interspecies cohabitation: Tell us about the other species in your habitat. We have observed they use a different language than you, yet you frequently provide them living space. What benefits do they offer you?

Humans: Um

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Originally posted by srsfunny

Protips

-Dont think too much about your decision
-dont let fear or other people’s actions /judgement around/about you change you.
-hug your friends
-BE SELFISH IF YOU NEED TO BE SELFISH
-BE KIND IF YOU WANT TO BE KIND
-pet every living thing except humans (with some exceptions).
-Do the things that make you happy.
-Try to find beauty around you.
- don’t be too hard on yourself.
- Appreciate every little achievement you make.
-get a little close to your family, try to get to know them.
-Get away from your family if they are not good for you. Just good vibes.
-cry every time you need to cry
-you are enough, embrace yourself.
-eat ice cream every time you want to eat ice cream.
-go to downtown and just get lost walking around.
-Pet All Dogs you see .
-take your pet to an adventure(If you don’t have a pet take your friend pet to an adventure)
-go on a date with yourself. DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOURSELF.
-hug your friends.
-take all the “me time” you need.
-hold hands with your friends no matter what.
-Really.hold.hands.with.your.friends.
-Get dressed in fancy clothes with your friends and take a nice photo
-hug your friends just bc you can.
-smile .
- don’t be Alone when you can be with someone who loves you.
-go outside
-go inside
-go to big adventures
-go to small adventures
-dye your hair
-love yourself
-eat
-cosplay your favorite gay character
-cosplay your favorite straight character
-cosplay something of any gender/orientation
- bake some cookies
-bake some blue cookies
-run as fast as you can
-scream as loud as you can
-go to concerts from your favorite bands
-get to college and study something you love
-learn a different lenguage.
-Become a volunteer.
-Go to the supermarket with your friends just to hang out.
-Watch a romantic movie with your pet.
-read.
-read more.
-dont be afraid of being different.
- don’t be a jerk to people who look “normal”.
- don’t be a jerk.
- help someone.
-help someone, again and again but not bc I’m telling you bc u want!
- GO TO A WAFFLE’S FANCY RESTAURANT.