human ulquiorra

sweet-constellation  asked:

I have an interesting ask! Assuming the arrancar somehow got integrated with humans (or a human AU, whichever is easier), which espada would be most street smart? Which would be the most tech savvy? Which would be gang members/drug dealers? Would any of them have specialized jobs or education (college, private tutoring/training, ect)? Who would stick out the most as non-human?

∩(´∀`∩) There’s already a LOT of this in my Human Au tag, but I’ll answer this as if they were integrating with humans~

And to answer your questions: Szayel is the most street smart, if only because he’s just the most smart in general. He also has the best luck with technology. (On that note, do not let Grimmjow near anything delicate). Nnoitra winds up in some kind of gang if only because that’s the best way to hurt people. Considering that Hollows are almost entirely illiterate, none of them except maybe Szayel wind up with any kind of higher education. And Ulquiorra sticks out the most. Seriously, no matter how human he looks, he acts like some kind of alien. 


-He basically winds up a homeless bum, making no effort to do anything and spending all day sleeping whoever he falls. He has no intentions of getting along with humans, and accomplishes absolutely nothing no matter how long he’s left in the human world to integrate. 


-Honestly, she fits in the best. Halibel actually make an effort to get along as a human, and she turns out to be pretty good at it. Humans are much easier to cooperate with than Hollows, especially when she now doesn’t have to fight anyone just to stay alive. 


-Under absolutely no circumstances can he ever pass for human. From being so bland and bitter it hardly seems like he has a personality, to never understanding even the most basic aspects of human functioning, Ulquiorra is about as human as a rock. 


-He fits in with humanity surprisingly well– but really only because there are places where punching anyone that annoys you is considered acceptable. He might actually manage to get a job, albeit one involving excessive violence and only slightly less murder than being a Hollow.  


-He’s far too unstable to ever hold a human job, and pretty much gives up on ever get along with things that he can’t kill to solve problems with. He probably spends most of his time in the human world in jail, after learning the hard way that humans don’t take kindly to random violence. 


-While he does know how to manage the technical aspects of humanity, he’s an absolute disaster at acting like a human. Like, very nearly as bad as Ulquiorra, just far more over-dramatic and probably glittery. People don’t just suspect he’s some kind of alien, they’re convinced. 


-His assorted memories and knowledge are helpful for masquerading as human, but no amount of prior knowledge can fill in for a horrible attitude. There’s a chance he might become ambitious with some kind of human career, if only to prove himself better than them. 

If Bleach characters found a baby on their doorstep...

As requested by anon. :)

One of my all-time most popular lists involve Bleach characters finding a basket of puppies or kittens on their doorstep. Today it is time for Bleach characters to find another basket on their doorstep….only this time, a human bay is inside. How will they react?


Ichigo: Wow, so the stork thing is actually true?


Ukitake: IT’S BABY


Byakuya: …did somebody tell the babies that I like to adopt orphaned children?

Byakuya: Because that was more of a one-time thing.

Matsumoto: Alone and abandoned, huh? I can relate. Come here, kid.

Mashiro: Kensei! Look what I found! A baby!

Kensei: Don’t even think about crying, you hear? Just smile! Like this!

Hisagi: …I think the baby’s a little young to be smiling, captain.

Grimmjow: Ew. Tiny humans are so….tiny.

Nnoitra: Come back when you’re big enough to fight, human!

Kenpachi: Man. The new recruits get younger and younger every day.

Yachiru: Do you want to sit on my shoulder while I sit on Ken-chan’s, baby-chan??

Riruka: W-why would anyone leave a baby like this?!



Jackie: Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe. 

Yukio: Nope.

Riruka: Yukio….

Yukio: Fine, fine. I’ll build an orphanage. 

Soi Fon: I have often said that it is never too early to begin ninja training.

Soi Fon: But this is actually too early. 

Aizen: No, see, I like to choose my own babies to watch over.

Ikkaku: That poor little child…

Ikkaku: I’ll get it a baby-sized sword immediately!

Yumichika: ….perhaps I will take the baby, Ikkaku.

Clearly word has spread that I am skilled at taking care of humans.

Ulquiorra: Prepare to receive a tiny espada uniform, baby.

If all Bleach villains were motivated by crushes...

As requested by anon. :)

Sometimes I like to pretend that certain Bleach villains are motivated not by a desire to rule the world or by evil or by a perverted sense of justice, but by having a giant crush on somebody. So what if that were true? What if all Bleach villains just had giant unrequited crushes? What crush would motivate them, and how?

1. Aizen: Motivated by a crush on Shinji

A lonely guy by nature, poor old Aizen just wanted somebody to love him. Specifically, his captain, Shinji. But because Aizen had impossible standards, Aizen couldn’t just ask Shinji out. No, he had to see if Shinji was worthy of his love by hiding his true nature just to see if Shinji noticed. Shinji noticed all right, but instead of trying to get close to Aizen, he pushed Aizen away! Just because Aizen was evil or something! In revenge, Aizen decided to hollowfy Shinji and all of Shinji’s friends and have them exiled. Then he decided to take over the world, because he had nothing else in his life with Shinji gone. Then he started stalking a teenager to make Shinji jealous. But nothing worked. And so Aizen ended up in jail. 

Aizen: And it ALL could have been avoided if Shinji had just made out with me!

Shinji: Dude…that’s messed up.

Aizen: YOU’RE messed up!

2. Gin: Motivated by a crush on Matsumoto

Wait….isn’t this one just canon? Well, except that in this AU it’s not so much that Gin loves murder and uses Matsumoto as an excuse. Gin actually does do everything for Matsumoto. 

Matsumoto: Okay, but you never asked me if I wanted any of that.

Gin: …

Gin: Shoot. I knew I was forgetting something.

3. Tosen: Motivated by a crush on his nameless friend

Okay but this one is definitely just canon, right?

Tosen: With my friend dead, all I had left was justice.

Nameless friend: So you…decided to pervert justice?

Tosen: I was slightly bitter.

4. Starrk: Motivated by a crush on Aizen

All Starrk wanted was somebody who was strong enough to hang out with him without dissolving. Then he met Aizen, a handsome man who super didn’t dissolve. Starrk was smitten. Naturally, when Aizen invited him back to his place Starrk was into that. But then, when he arrived, Starrk realized that Aizen didn’t want to make out with him. Aizen just wanted him to be his employee. Starrk sunk into depression and started sleeping a lot. He tried to take comfort in the fact that Aizen made him #1 (in Aizen’s heart??), but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Aizen just didn’t feel that way about him. So Starrk decided to try dying in battle. 

Starrk: But Aizen did not save me.

Aizen: Dude, I was about to stab you myself.

Starrk: That’s not fun to hear.

5. Ulquiorra: Motivated by a crush on Orihime

Ulquiorra thought he was an espada without feelings. But then he went to the human world, and he happened to spot a super awesome human named Orihime. Suddenly, Ulquiorra felt things he had never felt before. Ulquiorra knew he needed more. So he convinced his boss to let him kidnap Orihime and pretend that was part of his plan. Ulquiorra then tried to use that time to get to know Orihime but that didn’t work because a) Orihime had a crush on Ichigo and b) Ulquiorra had kidnapped her. But Ulquiorra, refusing to believe that kidnapping was a deal breaker, decided that what he really needed to do was kill her crush. That didn’t work out so well.

Ulquiorra: But she did try to hold my hand, so I feel like I was getting somewhere.

Orihime: Uh…

6. Grimmjow: Motivated by a crush on Ichigo

Once he saw that handsome, angry, teenage face, Grimmjow just couldn’t let go. He knew he shouldn’t sneak out of Hueco Mundo, but he did. He knew that he should kill that human already, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Abandoning all of the shit he was supposed to be doing, Grimmjow focused on nothing but fighting Ichigo, because that was literally the only way Grimmjow knew how to make friends.

Grimmjow: And in the end, he did hold my hand, so I feel like I got somewhere.

Ichigo: Uh…

7. Yhwach: Motivated by a crush on Yamamoto

Yes, it was awkward, falling in love with your arch enemy. But Yhwach dealt with it in the only way he knew how: by trying super hard to destroy the shinigami, then disappearing into the shadows for hundreds of years, and then trying super hard to destroy the shinigami again. He even confronted his crush Yamamoto, determined to tell him off for being a jerk, but once he saw him…well, those old feelings started to reemerge. So Yhwach killed him. But instead of making him feel better, it made him feel WORSE. So he took over the Soul King. You know, as a distraction.

Soul King: Why couldn’t you eat an entire carton of ice cream like everyone else?


8. Giselle: Motivated by a crush on Bambietta

I dunno, guys. She just seems really into zombie Bambietta. I mean, is that all Giselle wants from this invasion thing? A zombie girlfriend?

Giselle: AND enemies for my zombie girlfriend to fight!

9. Ginjo: Motivated by a crush on Ichigo

After a bad breakup with Soul Society, Ginjo figured he’d just stay out of the game. But then he heard there was a new substitute shinigami in town and, well, he was just a little curious. Then he saw the guy, and he found himself smitten. He had to get to know that Ichigo guy - but how? He offered Ichigo ramen and tried flirting with him. But Ichigo seemed pretty indifferent. Ginjo offered to let him join his club, but instead of leaping into his arms, Ichigo just seemed interested in getting his powers back. Finally, out of supreme frustration, Ginjo decided to just steal Ichigo’s powers and leave him as broken as Ginjo’s own heart. Then Ichigo killed him.

Ichigo: Awkward.

Ginjo: I really should have said something.

10. Tsukishima: Motivated by a crush on Ginjo

Meanwhile, Tsukishima was just really into Ginjo, so he did everything Ginjo wanted, even though it stung a lot that Ginjo was super into that stupid teenager.

Tsukishima: Luckily Ginjo’s plan let me beat up Kurosaki Ichigo a lot, so that was fun.


Bleach characters at an aquarium

As requested by anon. :)

Bleach characters are at an aquarium! What happens next is up to me.

1. Apacci, Mila Rose, and Sung-Sun

Spend the entire day with the sharks.

Apacci: Guys. Guys! There is a place where you can PET TINY SHARKS




Sung-Sun: You guys are the reason Halibel-sama told us we were on our own.

2. Ukitake

Spends his whole day with the otters.



3. Rukia

Joins Ukitake at the otter habitat.

Rukia: You know, we could hold all squad meetings here from now on.

Ukitake: I knew you were the right choice for lieutenant!

4. Szayel

Tries to outwit an octopus (he felt that it challenged him).

Szayel: Well sure. You can escape from THAT trap, octopus.

Szayel: But only because it was an EASY one!

Szayel: And as soon as aquarium security lets go of me, it will be ON!

5. Nanao

Takes lots of pictures, since she wants to do a WSRA aquarium photo spread.

Nanao: If we could get Captain Hitsugaya to wear a tuxedo and pose with the penguins, we could fund our club for the next four years.

Hitsugaya: I REFUSE

6. Hitsugaya

Hangs out with the penguins (but is not wearing a tuxedo).

Matsumoto: Do you feel kinship with them because they are short and like ice, Captain?

Hitsugaya: N-no!


Hitsugaya: I just think they’re, you know……cute.

Matsumoto: That’s even better!

7. Byakuya

Patiently stays at each tank until he sees ALL of the fish.

Byakuya: It is about patience.

Byakuya: On an unrelated note, I do not understand why nobody will go to the aquarium with me.

8. Orihime

Really likes the sea horses.

Orihime: They’re like horses, fish, snakes, and seaweed all combined in one!

Orihime: I can’t wait for the robotic sea horses of the future!

Tatsuki: Why would anybody want to make seahorses robotic, Orihime?

Orihime: Why wouldn’t they??

9. Yumichika

Takes many pictures of the tropical fish.

Ikkaku: Style ideas?

Yumichika: Hell yes.

10. Ggio

Gets in a heated argument with a blowfish.

Ggio: You think you can be BIGGER?? Than ME???

Ggio: You haven’t even seen my release, you spiky cantaloupe! 

Ggio: I don’t see why you’re even TRYING to challenge me!

Findorr: That guy? Nope. No idea who he is. No idea at all.

11. Shinji

Stares at the jellyfish for like an hour.

Shinji: It’s like a lava lamp, only better.

Lisa: You’re such a poet.

12. Unohana

Is disapproving of the manta rays.

Unohana: Tiny. Cannot fly. Cannot heal. 

Unohana: I would never ride one into battle.


Isane: Captain, people are staring.

13. Hisagi

Has a…..bad encounter with the petting tank.

Kira: So I heard you were expelled from the aquarium for screaming.

Hisagi: They had sea urchins, man.

Hisagi: Sea urchins.

Kira: I’ll sit with you until you feel better.

14. Tosen

Chats with the whales.

Gin: Why do you understand whale song?

Tosen: I understand all the things.

15. Ulquiorra

Does not understand what is so special about fish.

Ulquiorra: They swim around endlessly.

Ulquiorra: Sometimes they are different colors.

Ulquiorra: As they swim around. Endlessly.

Ulquiorra: How is this a popular human destination?


Ulquiorra: Wait is the aquarium a metaphor for human futility?

Orihime: …you might not be ready for the aquarium, Ulquiorra.

Bleach characters react to Luleiya's tumblr

As requested by anon. :)

If you’re not aware, Luleiya is an artist on tumblr who draws gorgeous things, including a whole lot of UlquiHime fanart. She has also illustrated a number of Bleach Lists stuff (x x x). You should check her out! Bleach characters have, according to this list. And now they will react to what she has drawn about them!

Ishida: This individual’s art is gorgeous.

Ishida: Clearly, she is highly talented.

Ishida: And yet she uses this talent to make Ulquiorra seem….adorable?


Ishida: Why must she use her talents for evil?

Ichigo: Uh, you should talk, dude.

Rukia: Inoue, this fan art of you….you’re so…….GORGEOUS

Matsumoto: And just look at all of these outfits!

Matsumoto: You’re rocking them!

Chad: You clearly have the legs to pull off anything.

Orihime: G-guys!

Nnoitra: Ulquiorra, what is this?

Nnoitra: Why are there pictures of you as a tiny hollow child dressed in human world clothes?

Nnoitra: There somethin’ you want to tell us about how deep your human-loving ways go?!

Ulquiorra: I can assure you that I did not attend preschool as a human, Nnoitra.

Nnoitra: Then how come there’s a PICTURE?!


Hichigo: I dunno why all of you are concentrating on the so-called “cute” pictures.

Hichigo: I want more of THIS guy - the violent and sadistic one!

Hichigo: Somethin’ about Ulquiorra’s inner demon getting free?

Hichigo: Now THAT’S more like it!

Hichigo: I so want to fight that guy.

Grimmjow: Can’t believe there’s only a few pictures of me.

Grimmjow: I’ve been robbed!

Ulquiorra: Woman, these pictures confuse yet fascinate me.

Ulquiorra: Why is that?

Orihime: Um…..well I guess because it’s like you lived after your insight into the heart! It’s like we got a chance to become friends and more than friends! It’s like you had five lives, and all of them were with me.

Orihime: And these pictures have so much heart.

Orihime: How could they not call to you?


Ulquiorra: They also make me a little sad.

Orihime: I know, Ulquiorra-kun. I know.

How Orihime could hit on Ulquiorra

As requested by anon. :)

Let’s say that Orihime decided to flirt with Ulquiorra. How might she do so?

1. By answering his questions flirtatiously

Since Ulquiorra is always asking obsessively about the heart, Orihime figured she could just answer in a flirty manner.

Ulquiorra: Where is the heart? If I rip open your chest, would it be there? If I broke open your skull, would it be there?

Orihime: Well….if you stop being weird and take me to dinner, my heart might just end up in *your* hands!

Ulquiorra: …

Ulquiorra: Am I eating you in this scenario?

Orihime: No!

Ulquiorra: Then I think I am confused.

2. By giving him clothes

Assuming that Ulquiorra gave her clothes to show affection, Orihime decides to return the favor by giving Ulquiorra human world clothing.

Ulquiorra: But do you think this school uniform looks good on me?

Orihime: Totally!

3. By drawing a heart on his hand

Getting him to hold still was the major problem. 

Ulquiorra: I strongly doubt that is what human hearts actually look like.

Ulquorra: Shouldn’t there be ventricles?

Orihime: This is how humans always draw hearts!

Ulquiorra: So many questions.

4. By offering to teach him about humans

Since Ulquiorra always wants to learn more about humanity, Orihime capitalizes on that.

Orihime: If you want to learn about humans, maybe we should, you know, go out for some coffee? Or dinner? It’s an important human ritual!

Ulquiorra: What is the purpose of the ritual?

Orihime: That’s for you to figure out!

Orihime: Hopefully.

Ulquiorra: Will there be hints?

5. By complimenting his makeup

Compliments are good for flirtation.

Orihime: Your teardrop makeup is so cool, Ulquiorra-kun!

Ulquiorra: A common mistake.

Ulquiorra: It is not makeup. It is my face.

Ulquiorra: And it is not cool. It is just my face.

Ulquiorra: So actually two mistakes.

Orihime: …

6. By threatening him

Since common human ways to flirt weren’t working out so well, Orihime thinks maybe she should try to speak espada language.

Orihime: You’d better admit you like me, Ulquiorra, or ELSE!

Ulquiorra: Or else what?

Orihime: I will send you baby bat gifs every day FOREVER!

Ulquiorra: …you are evil.

7. By offering him ice cream

Orihime loves ice cream. 

Orihime: Ulquiorra-kun, come eat ice cream with me! We can sit on the couch next to each other!

Ulquiorra: Why?

Orihime: Because it’s delicious?

8. By taking his hand

Without him turning to dust or anything!

Ulquiorra: You are very…warm.

Orihime: Hot.

Ulquiorra: Sorry?

9. By asking Yoruichi to flirt for her

Since, as we’ve recently seen, Yoruichi is happy to intervene on Orihime’s behalf!


Ulquiorra: Why must cats always shout at me?

10. By being as explicit as possible

Recognizing that Ulquiorra doesn’t do subtlety and metaphor well, Orihime decides to be as straight as possible.

Orihime: Ulquiorra-kun, I am trying to flirt with you.

Ulquiorra: …

Ulquiorra: …

Ulquiorra: …

Orihime: I’m sorry!!! Did I break you?

How Bleach characters act when they are REALLY sleep-deprived

As requested by  juroadams . :)

When Bleach characters haven’t sleep for far too many hours or days, what do they act like?

1. Hisagi: Jittery and deranged

Because the only way Hisagi CAN stay up for so many hours is by practically injecting caffeine directly into his veins.


2. Orihime: Very giggly

The longer Orihime stays awake, the funnier everything becomes.

Orihime: Wow. I just spent the last fifteen minutes laughing about how silly the word “squirrel” sounds.

Orihime: Squirrel.

Orihime: [breaks down laughing]

3. Chad: Very giggly

You really don’t want to put a sleep-deprived Chad and a sleep-deprived Orihime together, though.


Chad: “Bubbles.”

Orihime: OH MY GOD

4. Kira: Ever more dire

The more tired Kira gets, the more direct he is about the meaningless of life.

Hisagi: Dude, why don’t you just go to bed?

Kira: Because instead of dying every night, I choose to save up all of my mini deaths for the big final death.

Hisagi: So…’ll sleep when you’re dead?

Kira: Yes.

Hisagi: …

Hisagi: I’m getting Renji and we are dragging your ass to bed.

5. Rose: More and more inspired

When Rose is REALLY tired, he’ll try to go to  bed…but every time he does, he gets the world’s best ideas for lyrics, stories, art..


6. Rukia: Very spacey

Sometimes she’ll just get so tired that going to bed itself seems like too much work.

Ichigo: Is there…something particularly interesting about that spot on my wall?

Rukia: No, why?

Ichigo: Because you’ve been staring at it for like twenty minutes.

Rukia: Have I?

7. Yukio: Very spacey

Yukio also gets more spacey the more tired he is.

Riruka: Uh, Yukio?

Yukio: What

Riruka: The game isn’t ON

Yukio: …

Yukio: Oh.

Riruka: GO TO BED

8. Riruka: Angrier

Riruka, on the other hand, gets WAY more annoyed by everything when she’s really tired.


Yukio: The lint fairy.


9. Aizen: Less of a filter

Aizen guards his words very carefully. But if he gets tired enough, his filter doesn’t work so well.

Grimmjow: It’s three in the fucking morning! This meeting is dumb! I’m going!

Aizen: Grimmjow sit your ass down before I spiritual pressure it there myself.

Grimmjow: …

Grimmjow: What

10. Byakuya: More paranoid

Generally this is because he’s generally being kept awake by something.


Yachiru: Actually I’m sitting over here!

Byakuya: …

Byakuya: Clearly I need some sleep. 

11. Hitsugaya: Cries more easily

Hitsugaya gets a bit emotional when he’s very tired.

Matsumoto: C-Captain! Why are you crying?

Hitsugaya: S-somebody……moved my stapler?

Matsumoto: Captain, remember what we talked about.

Matsumoto: Crying over office supplies means that it’s time for bed!

12. Ulquiorra: Gets more philosophical

Ulquiorra ponders the mysteries of human life normally, of course. But when  he’s tired…

Ulquiorra: If you remove the “r” from “heart,” you get…. “heat.”

Ulquiorra: What does that mean?

Ulquiorra: Does fire cause humans to feel love?

Ulquiorra: That is probably why they like camping.

Ulquiorra: And why so many foods are s’more flavored.

Ulquiorra: I have made a major breakthrough.

If Kaien and Ulquiorra were locked in a room...

As requested by anon. :)

[Crave more of this series?]

Uh, hi. Ulquiorra, isn’t it? 

Ulquiorra: Go away, Aaroniero.

Ulquiorra: I have told you before many times, and I will tell you again: I do not wish to hang out, and I am free for dinner never.

Kaien: I’m not Aaroniero.

Kaien: I’m Kaien. Shiba Kaien. Ichigo’s dead cousin.

Ulquiorra: Of course you are.

Kaien: No, really! I am the actual, non-hollowfied, non-eaten Kaien!

Ulquiorra: The real Kaien was eaten ages ago. How could it possibly be you?

Kaien: Dude. You turned to dust years ago.

Kaien: I don’t think we’re in the land of canon here.


Ulquiorra: You raise an excellent point, for trash.

Kaien: Trash? Does that mean….you believe me?

Ulquiorra: I am willing to believe you for now.

Ulquiorra: So you are Kurosaki Ichigo’s cousin?

Kaien: Yup! 

Kaien: And, more importantly, I’m your heart buddy.

Ulquiorra: I don’t have “buddies.”

Kaien: It’s just an expression, dude. Chill.

Kaien: I just meant that we both like to give long speeches about the nature of the heart!

Kaien: Plus, we both like to annoyingly ask people to tell us where the heart is.

Kaien: Even though I’m pretty sure we both know it’s a metaphor, am I right?

Ulquiorra: Annoyingly?

Ulquiorra: My questions about the heart were not annoying.

Ulquiorra: They were meant to intimidate the woman by making her realize that her emotions were not real.

Kaien: Yeah……and how’d that work out for you?

Ulquiorra: Not well.

Ulquiorra: I am fairly certain I ended up admitting that emotions were real after all.

Ulquiorra: I lost my life, my form, and my argument in one moment.

Ulquiorra: It was not ideal.

Kaien: Hey man, I’m not one to judge.

Kaien: I tried to avenge my wife and ended up jumping on my subordinate’s sword.

Kaien: Pretty sure I traumatized her forever at the same time as I failed to get vengeance.

Kaien: Not to mention my memories were taken over by your friend Aaroniero, who used them to torment Rukia more.

Kaien: So regret. I get it.

Kaien: We can be regret & heart buddies!

Ulquiorra: I do not know that that is possible.

Kaien: ….you’re just aggressively literal, aren’t you?

Ulquiorra: Yes.

Ulquiorra: But in this case I merely meant that our ideas about the heart are incompatible.

Kaien: Um….no they’re not. We both think the heart is a metaphor.

Ulquiorra: Yes, but your insight was that the heart is created when two people connect to each other, that it is left behind in our friends when we die.

Ulquiorra: My insight was that the heart does exist. And that it was in my palm.

Ulquiorra: Totally different.

Kaien: And what were you doing when you came to this insight?

Ulquiorra: I was turning to dust.

Kaien: And?

Ulquiorra: And…


Ulquiorra: Reaching out for the woman.

Kaien: Who was reaching back to you?

Ulquiorra: …Maybe.

Kaien: So basically you realized that the heart existed in your hand at the same time as you reached out your hand to make a physical connection to the woman?

Ulquiorra: ……….Yes.

Kaien: Sounds to me like the heart was created in the connection between you and Inoue!

Kaien: Or as I like to put it - consistent heart imagery across Bleach? Hell yes!

Ulquiorra: You are better at arguing than most humans I encounter.

Ulquiorra: Generally they mumble more.

Kaien: Well, generally you chat with them while threatening physical violence, yeah?

Ulquiorra: Is that a problem?

Kaien: Dude, let’s just say that a little kindness goes a lot further than threatening to break open a woman’s skull.

Ulquiorra: The evidence suggests otherwise.

Kaien: Excuse me?

Ulquiorra: You were kind to Kuchiki Rukia. 

Ulquiorra: In the end, she stabbed you,.

Ulquiorra: I was not kind to the woman.

Ulquiorra: In the end, she tried to hold my hand.

Ulquiorra: So

Kaien: T-those situations are in no way equivalent!

Kaien: And anyway, it wasn’t like Kuchiki WANTED to stab me!

Kaien: It just sort of - happened.

Kaien: Plus it was what I wanted. I don’t think turning to dust while the master healer didn’t heal you was what you wanted.

Ulquiorra: Hard to say. I am very mysterious.

Kaien: ….whatever you say, dude.

If Ulquiorra and Batman were locked in a room...

As requested by trunkai. :)

In this crossover edition of my locked in a room series, we are going to imagine what would happen if Ulquiorra found himself locked in a room…with Batman.

Ulquiorra: Who are you?

Batman: I’m…Batman.


Ulquiorra: Why are you talking in that voice?

Batman: What voice?

Ulquiorra: That artificially gravelly voice.

Batman: …this is my voice. It’s not artificial.

Ulquiorra: Are you attempting to hide your identity?

Ulquiorra: You do not need to do that with me.

Ulquiorra: I don’t care. And also I am dead.

Batman: I’m not hiding my identity.

Batman: I am…Batman.


Ulquiorra: Well I can certainly see why we were paired.

Batman: Is it because you look like one of my villains?

Batman: With that weird helmet thing, that ridiculous teardrop makeup, and your artificially porcelain-white skin?

Batman: To say nothing of your sword.

Batman: Who other than comic book villains fight with swords these days?

Ulquiorra: No, I meant because I am also a Bat-Man.


Batman: I’m Batman.

Ulquiorra: I realize that I do not look much like a bat now.

Ulquiorra: But in my release, I have leathery bat wings and fuzzy bat legs and a long tail.

Ulquiorra: …although the tail is probably not something you associate with bats.

Ulquiorra: I just now realized that the tail is weird.

Batman: Wait. If I am following you correctly, this means that you have the ability to turn into a giant bat?

Ulquiorra: Exactly.

Ulquiorra: Hence - bat but also man. Batman.

Batman: I hate bats.

Ulquiorra: You named yourself after something you hate?

Batman: Yes.

Batman: I conquered my fear and made it my own.

Batman: Now I dress and fight in the manner of bats.

Batman: Batman!

Ulquiorra: You do not look much like a bat.

Ulquiorra: In my experience, bats do not wear body armor.

Ulquiorra: Nor do they have horns.

Ulquiorra: Or belts.

Batman: My costume is bat-inspired. It is not supposed to look like an actual bat.

Batman: Anyway, you literally look nothing like a bat right now, so I don’t know why you’re criticizing me.

Ulquiorra: At least we have that in common.

Ulquiorra: Perhaps we have other things in common as well.

Ulquiorra: Are you emo?

Batman: I have been known to be melancholic.

Ulquiorra: Do you live in a giant palace?

Batman: A mansion, yes.

Ulquiorra: Do you have bad luck with women?


Batman: Batman does, sure.

Ulquiorra: You see. We have much in common.

Batman: Do you fight using complicated and cool gadgets?

Ulquiorra: No I mostly use my hand.

Batman: Any old faithful man servants?

Ulquiorra: Ew.

Batman: Dead parents?

Ulquiorra: I do not have any parents to be dead

Batman: Not so similar after all.

Batman: Now I must go.

Batman: I am the night.

Batman: Gotham needs me.

Batman: And my throat is realllly killing me.


Ulquiorra: You are a strange human.

If Ulquiorra and Orihime were locked in a room...

As requested by anon. :)

It is time to find out what would happen if Ulquiorra and Orihime found themselves locked in a room with nothing to do but talk!

Ulquiorra: Hello, woman.

Orihime: U-Ulquiorra-kun!

Ulquiorra: Yes. I have returned from beyond the dead.

Ulquiorra: Somehow.

Ulquiorra: To ask you something highly important.

Orihime: please don’t be about me letting you die please don’t be about me letting you die please don’t be about me letting you -

Ulquiorra: Woman, why did you let me die?

Orihime: Darn it!

Ulquiorra: Was my heart epiphany not enough?

Ulquiorra: I thought we had something.

Ulquiorra: And also you sort of saved everybody else.

Ulquiorra: Except for me.

Ulquiorra: Your dear bat friend.

Orihime: Ulquiorra, I’ll be honest…..I’m not entirely sure.

Orihime: Sometimes I think I was just too beyond shocked by that point!

Orihime: I had watched Kurosaki-kun die. And then come back to life. And then turn into a murderous hollow. And then dismember you. And then try to kill Ishida-kun and me. And then suddenly he was back. And you were dying. And I just -

Orihime: I guess I just shut down.

Orihime: Or at least, sometimes that’s what I think.

Orihime: Other times I think……….you had just killed Kurosaki-kun. And you were clearly never going to stop fighting him, not until one of you was dead. So maybe……maybe I wanted you to die in that moment?

Ulquoirra: I understand.

Orihime:  R-really?

Ulquiorra: I am an espada.

Ulquiorra: Wanting enemies to die is, like, the one human emotion I’m on top of.

Ulquiorra: I am so glad we have this in common, woman!

Orihime: Um

Ulquiorra: This plus the heart thing - it is like we are becoming…what’s the word? Besties?

Orihime: I-it was just a moment, Ulquiorra-kun! If I had been myself, I definitely would have tried to heal you!

Ulquiorra: That would have been nice.

Ulquiorra: Kurosaki Ichigo would have torn off his own limbs and then tried to fight me.

Ulquiorra: It may have been hilarious.


Orihime: See, this is exactly the sort of thing that makes me conflicted.

Orihime: There is something I want to ask you, Ulquiorra-kun!

Ulquiorra: Yes, woman?

Orihime: Why were you so obsessed with the heart? With understanding people? 

Orihime: I mean, you were a person once yourself, right? Don’t you remember?

Ulquiorra: I do not.

Ulquiorra: And even if I did, the memory would carry no meaning for me.

Ulquoirra: I am empty inside. There is no way for me to truly understand emotions.

Ulquiorra: I suppose that is why I became obsessed. I knew there was something I did not understand.

Ulquiorra: I wanted it.

Orihime: Ulquiorra…

Orihime: W-would a hug help?

Ulquiorra: I doubt it.

Ulquiorra: Should it?

Orihime: Empty espada. Right.

Orihime: Listen, I think it’s cool that you tried to understand us.

Orihime: If we had had more time, I might have helped you!

Orihime: Shown you puppy gifs! Country music! Bean paste cake! All the human things!

Ulquiorra: That sounds - different.

Ulquiorra: You are a very special human, aren’t you, Orihime Inoue?

Orihime: O-oh I don’t think so!

Ulquiorra: So other humans are like you?

Orihime: Well…

Ulquiorra: They befriend hollows? Raise the dead? Eat bean paste cake?

Orihime: When you put it like that…

Orihime: I guess we are both pretty unique!

Ulquiorra: Perhaps that is why you were the one human I almost felt that I could understand.

Ulquiorra: There is something else I want to ask you, woman.

Orihime: Okay!

Ulquiorra: Did I get the heart thing right? It’s in the palm, right?

Ulquiorra: That is the human way to talk about the heart?

Orihime: …

Orihime: Yes, Ulquiorra, you understood.

Ulquiorra: That is a relief. It would be unfortunate if my dying revelation did not hold up under scrutiny.

Ulquiorra: In that case…

Ulquiorra: [raises his hand, palm up]

Ulquiorra: How about the traditional human palm kiss?

Orihime: You mean a ‘high-five’?


Ulquiorra: Yes?

Orihime: You got it!

[Ulquiorra and Orihime high-five!]

Bleach characters react to finding Grimmjow up for adoption on Petfinder...

As requested by duende71. :)

Petfinder is a site for people who want to find a pet to adopt. Let’s say that Bleach characters were browsing that site for some reason, when they came upon Grimmjow up for adoption. How would they react?

Aizen: Grimmjow certainly has fallen far since my death.

Aizen: It is almost sad how badly he wants a new owner.

Urahara: It is sad! Really sad!

Urahara: I mean, I thought I WAS Grimmjow’s new owner!

Urahara: But here he is. Looking for somebody new.

Urahara: It hurts.

Yoruichi: Especially since any cat worth its salt will choose its human, not the other way around!

Yoruichi: Sometimes I wonder how much of a kitty Grimmjow really is.

Tosen: Look at this description of Grimmjow. “Slightly rambunctious,” it says.

Tosen: "Slightly rambunctious"? No.

Tosen: More like “willfully disobedient and not receptive to justice.”

Gin: It does say “Wants to explore the world. Suitable for a household looking for an outside cat”! So at least that’s accurate! 

Tosen: And yet it does not say that Grimmjow will sneak out against orders if his owners want an inside cat.

Tosen: This website is full of lies. 

Luppi: Yeah, it also doesn’t say that he’ll MURDER any other cats you try to adopt in his place!!

Rukia: "Playful. Loves to hunt. Great for a household that want an active kitty!“

Rukia: …

Rukia: Is that code for, "Will try to remove your stomach with his hand if you refuse to ‘play’”?

Orihime: "Likes bags.“

Orihime: T-they should really specify that he likes to put other people in bags, not climb in them himself!

Ulquiorra: I am full of disgust.

Nnoitra: Yeah, no kidding! Talk about a lack of self-respect! Trying to get adopted by a human??

Ulquiorra: You misunderstand. I am disgusted that there are no bats on this website.

Ulquiorra: Do humans not realize that bats are every bit as cuddly as cats?

Nnoitra: …

Nnoitra: You definitely spent way too much time with that human girl, Ulquiorra.

Ichigo: Man, Grimmjow sure is confusing!

Ichigo: Like, look at how the ad ends - "Just make sure you don’t leave out any strawberries! Grimmjow will eat them!”

Ichigo: So…..Grimmjow mentions me in the ad because he wants to be adopted by me? Or is he just saying that he still wants to kill and eat me?

Ichigo: I just can’t figure that guy out.

Chad: Do not worry, Ichigo.

Chad: I will be adopting Grimmjow.

Ichigo: Um……..why?

Chad: Because just look at that picture.

Chad: He cannot fit inside that Kitty Castle. Look at how angry that makes him. He is trying to stuff himself inside, but he cannot.

Chad: He clearly needs scritches.

Chad: And I am not one to refuse an animal in need.

Grimmjow: What the -



Chad: It is okay, Grimmjow. No need to be bashful. You’re with me, now.


Bleach infomercials

As requested by anon. :)

What if the Bleachverse had infomercials? And what if those infomercials starred characters we know and love? What sorts of products would they attempt to sell?

1. Kensei: The Chef’s Zanpakuto

“As a shinigami, traveling light is important. You can’t battle hollows if you’re lugging around three suitcases! But does traveling light mean that you have to sacrifice comfort, happiness, and health? Does it mean that you have to survive on greasy take-out food? Does it mean that you can’t bring the tools you need to cook the meals you love while on the road? Not any more, it doesn’t! Introducing…..the Chef’s Zanpakuto. This baby not only purifies hollows, but also doubles as…..a cutting knife! A potato peeler! A can opener! A spatula! A whisk! And even a cooking pot! With this baby by your side, you can travel light and still make the foods you love!”

Kensei: The Chef’s Zanpakuto!

Kensei: For the modern, culinarily astute-shinigami!

Kensei:  Buy yours today for only nine easy payments of $19.99!

2. Halibel: The Shower Helper

“Like any modern hollow, being clean is important to me. I’m not going to lie - I love taking showers! But I also live in Hueco Mundo, which is a waterless desert. Does this mean that I am doomed to be dusty, smelly, and unloved? Not anymore! Because I have the Shower Helper - the portable shower to meet all of your waterless desert shower needs. Simply attach the Shower Helper to its stand and bam! You have a portable shower. Please enjoy the following PG footage of me showering behind a titillatingly sheer curtain.”

Halibel: The Shower Helper - bringing showers to the waterless desert life.

Halibel: Water not included.

3. Ginjo: The Fire Bowl

“Do you ever wander around eating ramen? Or do you ever decide to bring ramen to your friends, who live some distance away? Or do you ever buy ramen and then travel a long distance to your house before eating it? If so, then you’ve probably experienced the pain that only cold ramen can bring you. Science demonstrates that ramen cools 5% for every minute you’re outside! Five percent! Every MINUTE! But now, at last, there is hope. This magical Fire Bowl keeps your ramen hot-hot-hot! No matter how long you’re outside! No matter the weather! So say NO to cold ramen - buy the Fire Bowl today!”

Ginjo: My tongue is burning - and that means I’m happy!

Ginjo: The  Fire Bowl! Call now and get our extra-special discount!

4. Haschwalth: The Combination Eyelash Thickener / Curler / Lengthener / Shaper / Moistener / Colorer

“There are so many eyelash products on the market - products that thicken. Products that shape. Products that lengthen. Products that curl. It is enough to leave you sobbing in the cosmetic aisle, wracked with indecision. If only there were a product that did it all, a product that would make your eyelashes look……… mine. Well, I and my beautiful, beautiful eyelashes are here to give you the good news: this product will, by itself, do everything to your eyelashes that you ever dreamed. Simply press whatever combination of buttons you want, gently clamp both ends around your eyelashes, and pull. The result? Nothing short of eyelash magic.”

Haschwalth: Envious of my lashes?

Haschwalth: Then become me with the patented Combination Eyelash Thickener / Curler / Lengthener / Shaper / Moistener / Colorer!

Haschwalth: Now for only $59.99.

5. Hiyori: The Sandal Smasher

“What’s this? Just an ordinary flip-flop you say? You could not be more wrong! This is a SANDAL SMASHER - a sandal made for smashing in the faces of people who annoy you! Watch as I demonstrate in this 30 minute video set to the music of Smashing Pumpkins and costarring my annoying assistant Shinji! Hereafter referred to as the Smashed One.”

Hiyori: Wear your weapon on your feet! Buy the Sandal Smasher today!

Hiyori: Call in the next thirty minutes and we’ll throw in a second Sandal Smasher for your other foot too!

6. Hichigo: Instant Mask Generator

“This is Bob. He was on his way to a Halloween party, when a gust of wind blew his mask off! This is Sally - she was out trick-or-treating, when a squirrel leaped onto her face, grabbed her mask, and ran away! Both of them were left sad and alone, with only a partial costume. If only they had had the Instant Mask Generator! With the Instant Mask Generator, no wind and no squirrel will ever ruin your Halloween again! Because you can always put on a mask, out of thin air, as if by magic! And it’s a fucking scary mask too! Wait, can I say that on TV?”

Hichigo: Order the Instant Mask Geneator now, and you’ll obtain this hollow pill!

Hichigo: Soon you will have an inner hollow inside you, and your mask worries will be over forever!

Hichigo: (Warning: may lead to murder.)

7. Ulquiorra: Human Emotion Translator

“Humans are confusing creatures, what with all of their emotions. If you have a pet human, or find yourself forced to interact with a human, or ever go shopping in a human shopping mall, then you know how difficult it can be to read human emotions. Is that human raising its voice because it is angry? Because it is excited? Because it is afraid? No power on earth can answer that question……until now. Introducing the HET, or Human Emotion Translator. All you have to do is point this device at the human of your choice, and it will analyze your human’s tone of voice, facial expression, and words, and then it will tell you what emotion is being expressed. Never be in the dark about your human again. Buy the HET today.”

Ulquiorra: Look, that human is crying, but they are tears of joy, according to the HET.

Ulquiorra: What the actual fuck.

Ulquiorra: This device is super necessary.

Ulquiorra: You’d better buy one.

What elements they would want to have power over

As requested by tolpen49. :)

Some Bleach characters can already control the elements, of course. So let’s just ignore them. But for the non-elemental guys, what element would they choose to have power over? 

 1. Byakuya: Air

Byakuya: I could make it rain cherry blossoms whenever I wanted, just by shaking the branches of trees.

Byakuya: I would have ‘hair commercial’ hair all the time.

Byakuya: My robes would billow behind me.

Byakuya: Power over air would be awesome.

2. Ukitake: Water

Ukitake: Mostly because Squad 13 is the water squad! I don’t want to be left out of the fun!

Rukia: [looks at Kaien]

Kaien: [looks at Rukia]

Rukia & Kaien: Whoa!

3. Unohana: Fire

Unohana: It can cauterize, and it can kill.

Unohana: I like that sort of thing.

4. Kenpachi: Earth

Kenpachi: So if I get lost I can just make my own damn roads.

Yachiru: Which would help if you knew what direction to go!

Kenpachi: Oh right.

5. Soi Fon: Air

Soi Fon: Air is invisible. Air is silent.

Soi Fon: Air is a ninja.

6. Omaeda: Earth

Omaeda: Which means I can control rocks, right?

Omaeda: Because mostly I just like to crush things.

7. Ishida: Water

Ishida: It is the most practical.

Ishida: You need water way more often than you need the other things.

Ichigo: Including…air?

Ishida: A-air is always around, Kurosaki!!

8. Matsumoto: Fire

Matsumoto: Then the captain and I could be the fire-ice duo!

Matsumoto: Plush, with my ash powers, fire just feels right.

9. Renji: Water

Renji: Because sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night remembering that terrible endless battle against the sand monster.

Renji: When all you could think was, “Man I wish I had water powers.”

10. Jackie: Water

Jackie: Because I am so tired of everything being dirty.

Jackie: Water is clean.

11. Orihime: Air

Orihime: Then I could fly! That would be awesome!

Ulquiorra: We can walk in the sky, you know.

Orihime: Um I’m human, remember?


Ulquiorra: Oh, right.

12. Hisagi: Air

Hisagi: Because if I controlled the air, maybe - just maybe - I could control where my blades fly in shikai!

Kensei: Keep dreaming big, Hisagi.

13. Yukio: Fire

Yukio: I’m not saying I’d use if for insurance fraud.

Yukio: But I’d probably use it for insurance fraud. 

14. Gin: Water

Gin: I could control Aizen’s tea.

Gin: That would be the best thing in the world.

15. Ulquiorra: Water

Ulquiorra: Because sometimes it’s hard to be emo in a land where the sky is always clear.

Ulquiorra: Sometimes…you need the rain.

Ichigo: Dude you live in a land of eternal night how hard could it be to be emo?

Ulquoirra: RAIN

16. Grimmjow: Fire


Tosen: Actually every palace is equipped with a fire extinguisher and smoke alarms.

Tosen: Safety first!

Grimmjow: I fucking hate you.