human forms activate

Humans Are Weird: The Ritual of Spa-Dé

So I have been following the goings on of the many “Humans are Space Orcs” and “Humans are Weird” posts and decided I had my own story to tell.

It follows the visit of one Mal T'Gjarex to an earth colony as an ambassador for his people. Upon witnessing a seemingly common form of Human activity, he is convinced Humanity is comprised entirely of insane masochists.
This is his data transmission to his superiors following his visit:

Mission Debriefing from Mal T’Gjarex – Ambassador to Earth colony “Eden’s Bounty”

It has only been a short time since our introduction to Humankind – Since then we have learned that they are a wily race of creatures – as clever as they are savage. We have heard from other races that having Humans for allies is an unpleasant prospect; it is also by far (and unanimously agreed) the lesser of two evils by all counts.

Today I must go on record that my recent exposure to the ritual of Spa-Dé serves only to strengthen my perception that Humans are insane. To elaborate on the ritual is, in itself, a descent into madness. If you possess the fortitude within your stomachs to read on, I implore you, do so knowing that what you read is the headiest of truths – one simply could not fabricate the terrors I observed on this torture planet.

Upon my arrival, the wardens of this hellish place dared to approach me with full disregard to my status – Marching toward me with arms spread wide to increase the appearance of size, and each baring their teeth in that disgusting show so common to their species. As Ambassador to the Human colony, you know that I must endure all manner of behavior that does not directly threaten my existence. As they surrounded me with rings of noxious flora, however – no doubt designed to skew the senses and delude one’s mental acuity – I found within myself a mighty need to disembowel them to the last should I find myself in a less than ambassadorial capacity upon our next meeting.

I was welcomed – laughable! – into their torture facility, where many “guests” were already receiving the horrific “treatments” of Spa-Dé. Anguished groans emanated from many of the cells within this facility. Those administering the torture would move from room to room, inflicting their awful techniques upon the Humans trapped within.
Imagine, if you dare, these skilled masochists using only their hands to bend and shape the bodies of their victims – stretching the very muscles (!) of their prostrate bodies and occasionally realigning their bones with a sickening POP!

In other rooms, they submerge their Human victims in fetid pools of “Mud” which “exfoliates” their skin – stripping layers of it from their body in the name of “cleansing.” In other rooms in this bastion of wickedness, they force Humans to endure scorching temperatures, which leech the very fluids from their bodies – the victims’ only relief is to pour water over heated rocks which serves only to further drain them of their essence.

I must say now, that while I cannot be certain without seeing it myself, I must believe that in the end the gatekeepers of this facility are preparing these poor souls for a cannibalistic sacrifice. They lull the victims into a hypnotic state with music and “incense” (a pungent inhalant, which promotes complacence) and then cut their claws to the very quick, filing them smooth, and softening them to make them less dangerous.

They are subsequently led to one of the many Human-length ovens located in the heart of the facility and I believe with all my hearts that I witnessed the final moments for one of these poor creatures as it climbed inside. Only after placing sliced vegetables over the victim’s eyes, did a caretaker then shut the lid, set a timer, and leave. I could see a warm glow coming from the device, and I knew it to be their end.

To conclude my report – the part that chills my very exoskeleton is how pleased they were with themselves:

“This is the finest facility of its kind in any Human colony or settlement.”
“We ‘treat’ thousands at this facility”
“We hope you’ll come back for your own treatment!”

HAH! They throw their insanity in my face as if I should relish the idea of meeting my end as their softened, skinless meal!

Thus concludes my assessment of the Spa-Dé ritual.

I will be seeking immediate transfer to another sector – one as far from the Humans as possible.


Just attended a seminar on the Russian revolution given by a liberal historian, and I’m trying to figure out what ‘common sense’ assumption is eating me up inside the most - that the nation state is and will continue to be the natural way of ordering society or that capitalism is the finished, final form of human economic activity. The fact that these presuppositions aren’t even up for debate in a conversation about 1917 just blows my mind.


kg can shapeshift to a degree ((he can’t make more eyes, change the fact he’s blue and made of mana, or get much smaller than this tho, so he can’t turn into a bird and fly or anything like that))

he also goes from big lug to cranky as hell if you make him wear people clothes or if he’s forced to socialize with jerks he knows are murderers but isn’t allowed to eat them