human!naga

“Sir, there’s been an incident.” Immediately, the captain suspects two things: 1: That they are about to have a Very Long Day, and 2: That humans were, in some way, involved. They sigh questioningly, and their second-in-command shifts, clearing their vocal organ. 
“The on-leave crew members decided to tour the space station, sir. One of the humans came into contact with a life form they were unfamiliar with, and, ah…thought one of the other humans had set a prank for them.” The captain’s cranial-extremeties straighten sternly, and their second-in-command winces slightly in sympathy. They ask in a very flat voice,
“What happened.”
“Human-Rob decided to stick his arm in it, Captain.”
“….What lifeform were they?“ 
"A celestial species, sir. They weren’t too happy about it.” The Captain restrains themself from cursing out of long experience with humans. They enjoy their job, they really do, but they are very much looking forward to retirement and stepping down to allow someone else to deal with the messes humans generate in any situation.
“Are they going to press charges?”
“I don’t think so, sir. They seemed to think half his arm being burned off was punishment enough, what with human’s lack of regenerative properties.” It’s the Captain’s turn to wince.
“How is HumanRob?”
“He wasn’t very happy about it initially, but once the anesthetic took effect, HumanHugh informed him that he could now be a ‘cyborg’, whatever that is, which seemed to cheer him considerably.”

3

Musical AU. Third part. Pilot chapter.
Parts 1, 2

Wow, it took me too long and here`s a short part. No worries, next one will be veeerry soon~ (*whispers* on Thursday). Also next one will be longer a bit.
Btw I`m still interested what you are thinking about this mess.

3

drop the bass and dance like Kristen Kringle on my gif! *ba dum tss* #i know it’s not funny…

under my last post are so many “fuck”, “shit” and tears (but it’s awesome, i love You, Guys)… so i decided i’ll make something more possitive *stupid laugh*

/and… omfg… 3x15… TODAY!!!! i’m dying/

Originally posted by gothamfox

Humans are weird: ALLERGIES!!

Jumping on the humans are weird train. What if humans and some creatures on earth are the only ones to have allergies? Like aliens would refuse to let us eat anything with peanuts because they encountered someone with a peanut allergy and just assume it is deadly to all humans. Then someone eats like a Payday or something and all the aliens freak out trying to get the human to spit it out only for the human to be ok. That’s how they learn peanuts are only deadly to some humans. Then they accidentally feed someone something that isn’t widely known as an allergy, like bananas. Now they have to make lists of what foods are deadly to which humans and they have lists like: do not feed human Bobby oranges or mangoes
Human Tiana can consume a small amount of peanuts before it gets too deadly.
Just aliens having list of food to not feed humans. And then there are the creatures that some can’t even be around, like some people are allergic to cats and some to dogs and the aliens are just so confused.

Story 215: Cultural Exchange

The human steps onto the station from her shuttle, and walks into the scanner.  It flashes - no weapons.  I pity her, though there’s nothing I can do for her.  By tomorrow she will be a slave the same as me; the Gaunvans collect ambassadors like trophies.
“Hello there!  Amanda Thorn, ambassador for the Empire of Humanity.  You’re a Ixian, correct?”
Mimicking human body language, I nod my head.  "That’s correct.  Ix Malasan.  It is an honor to meet you.“
She smiles, reminding me again that she has somehow modified herself to breathe atmosphere suited to the Gaunvans rather than wear a respirator like myself.  Other than that she appears to be a standard human, something I am led to believe is less and less common as they pursue the bizarre compulsion humans have to alter their bodies.  Changing hair color, adding pigments to their skins in patterns and pictures, growing long tails or ears that mimic other species from their planet.  No other known species tampers with their bodies like this.
“Not to be undiplomatic, she says, "but the Gaunvans enslaved your people.  Why are you here?”
“We… reached a mutually beneficial agreement.  We would have lost in combat and been eliminated, so we chose to preserve what we could of our culture.  The Gaunvans are not naturally skilled at diplomacy, so they bring me along to assist and to show that peace can be made.”
She nods.  "Understood.  I can respect that choice.  How much freedom do you have, personally?“
Smart of her, to start planning for her future. "A fair amount.  I have free reign on the ship when we are in transit.  At the homeworld I have reasonably comfortable quarters.”
“Have you ever met the Empress, or…?”
“Oh, no.  No, while on the homeworld I am confined to my chambers - but they’re quite spacious.”
“Shame.  Okay, plan ‘A’ then.  Let’s get this over with.”

Despite my attempt at encouraging diplomacy, the Gaunvan commander starts with threats.  I don’t know why I bother.  He looms over the human, chitinous plates almost black in the dim light.  His pod of six is posted around the room, for show more than for actual security since she followed orders and came alone and unarmed.  "Failure to surrender will being the full wrath of our army upon you.  Humanity will be crushed, and wiped from the universe.“
To her credit, she looks very calm.  "We live in a post-scarcity society.  Bloody conquest just seems silly, doesn’t it?”
“It is for the glory of Gaun!”
“Well, I’m not prepared to get into a religious debate with you,” she says, “since I doubt there’s anything I can do to change your mind.  Since you’re committed to this course of action, what are you willing to offer if we surrender?”
Now he goes back on script.  Maybe I am getting through to him a little?  He talks about the benefits of being enslaved, mainly the protections for up to twelve designated culturally historical sites.  They’ve been mostly good on their word on my homeworld, though they did use the area just outside of the Hahhn Memorial as a waste dump.

She nods as she listens.  There was a part of me that was worried she would argue, because the humans are somewhat childlike.  They don’t understand the horrors of war.  Certainly they fought in the past, but the last time they had to battle was more than two of their generations ago, so these ones have all grown up coddled and soft.  They play games with each other instead, silly competitions.  They make art, and play pretend, and alter their bodies for fun.  They don’t have weapons anymore, and wouldn’t know how to use them if they did.
“Well then,” ambassador Thorn says, “this is about what I expected.  On behalf of humanity, I would like to formally reject this offer.”
Oh no.  Foolish humans.  The galaxy will miss your innocence.  The commander makes an excited clicking noise, looking forward to combat.  He reaches a blade-tipped hand towards ambassador Thorn, but hesitates as every device in the room bleats out an alert - we’ve all lost communications with the outside.

Like one of the dances humans do, she gracefully pivots around while taking his hand.  She ends up close to him and places her other arm against his thorax, then… oh gods. Gods, what… she’s ripped his arm off.  It’s not possible.  The commander is clearly thinking the same thing, staring in mute shock at his dripping limb.
“I’d like to extend a counter-offer,” she says, and flips the arm around before jamming the bladed end into his neck.  The warriors around the room are fidgeting, uncertain.  They haven’t been told to attack, and don’t want to dishonor their commander by intervening in a fight with such a small creature.  She’s still holding the commander’s severed arm in his neck, but she rotates and heaves, lifting him off the ground with it for a moment… and then his head pops off, landing squarely on the conference table.  She allows the corpse to slide to the ground, and straightens her clothes as if they aren’t covered in ichor.

I don’t understand.

The warriors, now with no orders at all, finally act.  She smiles as they come for her, I suppose because she has done her duty to send this powerful message of resistance.  She can die in peace.  Or… no… She’s killing them.  She’s smiling because this is fun for her.  Though they’re partly killing themselves; if there had been two of them, prepared, strategic, they might have prevailed.  Watching six panicked fighters get in each other’s way while trying to stop a smaller, faster, and somehow impossibly stronger foe is almost hypnotic.  At least one is killed by the stab of a friendly lance due to pure confusion.  It’s over faster than I would have thought possible, severed limbs strewn across the room.  I’ve got some fluids splashed across my clothing.  Only one yet lives, and he is retreating.  She seems to be allowing it.

She follows behind, holding a lance.  The wounded and scared warrior scurries down the hallway towards his ship, looking back behind him as he goes.  She’s just… walking.  Calm.  And for some reason I’m following.  The last Gaunvan reaches the airlock and the second he enters his code she throws the lance - throws it! - and spears him.
“Come on, we’re stealing their ship.”  She says it like this is the most normal thing in the world.
“There are thousands more on board!  Thousands!  Almost all warrior caste!”
She smiles again, and keeps walking.  I see errors on the screens that we pass, messages indicating communications have been lost.  They can’t tell anyone what is happening here.  Even the communicators within the ship are on nodes rather than being wired, so the warriors at one end of the vessel won’t be able to coordinate with the other end.  Do they even know they’ve been boarded?
“How?”

We enter the bridge after she kills a handful of other guards with ease.  They’re too shocked by her presence to act in time.  Once the door are sealed and she is working on the control systems she starts talking to me again.
“Well, you know, we do like to be prepared.”
“But you… you ripped his arm off.”
“Yeah, that was super satisfying.”  She looks at me appraisingly.  "Oh, come on.  Is it really that surprising?  You knew we were into changing ourselves, right?  Being strong enough to pop an overgrown bug’s forelimb off isn’t rocket science.“
"Your people are so peaceful…”
“Oh, sure, most of them.  But we did that, too.  Tweaked ourselves over the years to decrease aggression and some of our tribalistic tendencies, increase empathy… all stuff that can be undone if needed.  Though for a good cause even the nicest of us can squish a bug or two.”
“You bond with Ry'ling devourers!”
“Those are the big fuzzy guys that look like cats, yeah?  Those guys are adorable!  But… look, liking some things that could kill us doesn’t mean we’ll sit back and get enslaved.  We didn’t put up with it well when we enslaved each other, and we certainly aren’t going to go for it now that we’re… finally… on the same page about slavery being unacceptable.  It was, uh, a longer time than we like to admit before the last hold-outs were convinced of that one.”

I can feel the ship un-dock.  We’re moving.  "What about all the warriors on board?  They’ll break through the doors eventually!“
"Not according to this control panel here.  Take a look.”
It says there’s no atmosphere in the rest of the ship.  Life signs are negative on all but two of the warriors, presumably the only ones that got to their suits in time.  She disabled all the safety measures, somehow.  She just killed… I check the life signs readout again to confirm the number… three thousand, six hundred, and fourteen soldiers.  Wait, how is it tracking that unless… “Are communications back up?”
“Yeah, I’m calling some friends.  The military is right around the corner, so to speak.”
“But Earth doesn’t have a standing military.”
She laughs.  Not just a little bit.  She’s actually doubled over for a moment, unable to catch her breath.  "Sweet Jeebus, you guys actually fell for that?  No standing military.  Have you read about us at all?“

Three ships appear seemingly out of nowhere, and one docks with the Gaunvan vessel.  Once the atmosphere is restored we head to the airlock to meet them, and I’m surprised by an entire platoon of Gaunvan warriors.  Speaking English.
"Okay boys, send your last goodbyes!  This is in all likelihood a one way mission.  Commander Thorn!  It is an honor to see you again, and might I say you look exquisite drenched in the blood of your enemies!”
She bows to him, blushing, and then salutes the Gaunvans.  Or… humans?  Can they change themselves this drastically?
“You’ve got two holed up in here somewhere.  Bridge is clear, have the techs bring the new brain on board.”
“New brain?”
She looks at me like she’s forgotten that I’m here, and then turns back to the others.  "Men, this is our new friend Ix Malasan who has just been liberated from his captivity.  He’s going to be helping with our intel.  Malasan, yeah, a new brain for the ship.  Once this vessel is cleaned up and back in service with a new crew we’ll be able to take it over whenever we want even if all of our boys get killed.  We cooked up a really sadistic AI for it.“
"But how do you know the protocols?  This was your first contact with the Gaunvans, they’ve never lost a ship anywhere near here!”
“No?  There wasn’t a mining colony disaster two years ago?”
“But that was just an accident… and you weren’t even involved in the war yet… and…”

The faux-Gaunvans have finished boarding.  The one that was talking to them before puts a bladed claw on ambassador - commander - Thorn’s shoulder.  "You coming with?“
"Naw.  Orders said I could only come if they allow ambassadors near extremely high value targets.  Malasan here says they don’t, so I need to wait for my next mission back on Earth.”
“It would have been nice having you with us, Thorn.  Well, maybe we’ll see each other again.  Suicide mission or not, I think I’ve decided to live through it.”
“Bold choice,” she says, and kisses him next to his lower mandibles.
He nods at me, then turns back to his men. “Okay everyone, we are now officially on the job.  And what is that job?”
In unison, they start chanting.

“FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!  FUCK! SHIT! UP!”

For a moment I nearly feel pity for the Gaunvans.  Nearly.  Commander Thorn leads me off of the ship, and I start thinking about what useful information I can provide the ‘harmless’ humans.  Fuck shit up, indeed.

By popular demand, here’s an extensive multicolor land list for budget deckbuilding

Dual

Orzhov - Orzhov Basilica, Orzhov Guildgate, Scoured Barrens, Foresaken Sanctuary, Tainted Field, Salt Flats

Isolated Chapel, Godless Shrine, Shambling Vent, Concealed Courtyard

Dimir - Dimir Aqueduct, Dimir Guildgate, Dismal Backwater, Salt Marsh, Submerged Boneyard, Frost Marsh, Jwar Isle Refuge, Dreadship Reach, Tainted Isle, Waterfall Cavern, Rootwater Depths

Drowned Catacomb, Watery Grave, Choked Estuary, Sunken Hollow, Fetid Pools

Golgari - Golgari Rot Farm, Golgari Guildgate, Foul Orchard, Jungle Hollow, Tainted Wood, Pine Barrens

Woodland Cemetery, Overgrown Tomb, Hissing Quagmire, Blooming Marsh

Rakdos - Rakdos Carnarium, Rakdos Guildgate, Urborg Volcano, Cinder Barrens, Bloodfell Caves, Akoum Refuge, Molten Slagheap, Tainted Peak, Lantern-Lit Graveyard, Cinder Marsh

Dragonskull Summit, Blood Crypt, Foreboding Ruins, Smoldering Marsh, Canyon Slough

Boros - Boros Garrison, Boros Guildgate, Stone Quarry, Wind-Scarred Crag, Scabland

Clifftop Retreat, Sacred Foundry, Needle Spires, Inspiring Vantage

Azorius - Azorius Chancery, Azorius Guildgate, Coastal Tower, Meandering River, Boreal Shelf, Sejiri Refuge, Tranquil Cove, Calciform Pools, Cloudcrest Lake, Thalakos Lowlands

Glacial Fortress, Hallowed Fountain, Port Town, Prairies Stream, Irrigated Farmland

Selesnya - Selesnya Sanctuary, Selesnya Guildgate, Elfhame Palace, Tranquil Expanse, Arctic Flats, Graypelt Refuge, Blossoming Sands, Saltcrusted Steppe, Tranquil Garden, Vecc Townships

Sunpetal Grove, Temple Garden, Fortified Village, Canopy Vista, Scattered Groves

Simic - Simic Growth Chamber, Simic Guildgate, Woodland Stream, Thornwood Falls, Skyshroud Forest

Hinterland Harbor, Breeding Pool, Lumbering Falls, Botanical Sanctum

Izzet - Izzet Boilerworks, Izzet Guildgate, Highland Lake, Swiftwater Cliffs, Caldera Lake

Sulfur Falls, Steam Vents, Spirebluff Canal, Wandering Fumarole

Gruul - Gruul Turf, Gruul Guildgate, Shivan Oasis, Timber Gorge, Highland Weald, Kazandu Refuge, Rugged Highlands, Fungal Reaches, Pinecrest Ridge, Mogg Hollows

Rootbound Crag, Stomping Grounds, Game Trail, Cinder Glade, Sheltered Thicket

Triple Lands

Shards - Seaside Citadel, Crumbling Necropolis, Arcane Sanctum, Savage Lands, Jungle Shrine

Khans - Sandsteppe Citadel, Frontier Bivouac, Nomad Outpost, Opulent Palace, Mystic Monastery

Multicolor

Any - Command Tower, Transguild Promenade, Rupture Spire

Any with Stipulations - Exotic Orchard, Forbidden Orchard, Reflecting Pool, Pillar of the Paruns, Primal Beyond, Mana Confluence, Ancient Ziggurat, City of Brass, Grand Coliseum, Haven of the Spirit Dragon, Ally Encampment, Rainbow Vale, Sliver Hive, Spire of Industry

Charge Counters - Vivid Grove, Crag, Creek, Marsh, Meadow, Mirrodin’s Core

Fetches

Basic Land

Evolving Wilds, Terramorphic Expanse, Myriad Landscape, Panoramas

Land Type

Bad River, Flood Plain, Grasslands, Krosan Verge, Mountain Valley, Rocky Tar Pit