human!fi

“Humans are weird” idea

It seems to always be the case that aliens have names that are “unpronounceable by the human tongue.”  But, y’know, humans are actually really good mimics.  We can do impressions of anything, and some of us are really good at it.  What if that was a special skill of ours that was constantly surprising the aliens?

Alien talks about human like s/he’s not there, only to be shocked when its own language comes out of that strange little mouth.

Alien can’t figure out WHAT that noise onboard is, only to find human crewmate pranking it.  (“As soon as he leaves, I’m gonna do the sound of a failing hover engine, okay?  Just see where he looks first!”)

Alien hears a different noise and a thud, then “Sorry, I tripped.”  (”But you squeaked.”  “Yeah, didn’t mean to.  Sounded kinda dumb.”)

Alien is alarmed to hear the sound of two Dangerous Animals coming from the containment room.  Thinks the one has multiplied.  Runs in, find human yowling back at it.  (“It seemed lonely, so I was talking to it.  Reminds me of a cat I had once.”)

The away team is threatened by a Large Animal protecting its young.  Alien Captain knows what to do.  Shoves the human up front and points.  “Make the noises that the little ones are making.  This is your time to shine.”

Somebody said Humans would be the Mad Scientist species to aliens- like, aliens watch Back To The Future, and they see Doc Brown, and they think yes this is a human scientist, they’re all that crazy, these humans do such insane things with science.

I would like to offer an alternative.

Humans are tough. We can shrug off plenty of injuries, and we recover pretty fast from most others. Hell, we find minor injuries amusing (Don’t tell me you’ve never laughed at someone getting hit in the balls).

Humans have a skewed sense of danger. We think baby anything is cute- tigers, lions, alligators, whatever, no matter how scary they grow up to be- and even then there’s people that would happily cuddle up to a grizzly. Even less adventurous humans keep vermin as pets, or snakes, or dogs, that apex predator sub-species we made.

We are fascinated by morbid and scary stuff. We have a whole genre designed to terrify people. Tons of fantasy revolves around deadly monsters, plenty of which involve romance with said monsters. Lots of grim dystopias in sci-fi. Even children’s stories involve grandmothers getting eaten or witches getting cooked in their own oven.

And if you’re on this site, you know all the jokes we make about depression or social anxiety, or joking about wanting to die.

We aren’t the Doc Brown species.

We’re the Addams Family Species.

Humans are space orcs

I’ve been reading a lot of these “humans are space orcs” posts and that got me thinking…

Imagine that you’re the only human in youre crew. Youre crew is getting attacked by pirates and they start shooting darts with a deadly substance in it. None of youre crewmembers is getting hit, but one dart hits you. The whole crew is freaking out and screaming “Oh no, our human is dying!”

But you don’t feel like you’re about to die. You feel energetic and hyperactive. You manage to blurt out “ohmygodifeelawesomewhatwasinthosedarts?!?” And one crewmember just stares at you like you lost youre mind and says “that… that was caffeine”

And then you spend the next hour running in cyrcles and screaming “WEEEEEEEEE” while your crewmembers slowly start to whish that these darts had killed you.

You know i haven’t seen any of those “ humans are weird/space orcs/space australians” posts where humans are actually the first species to get to space …

I mean honestly considering how risky and difficult it was to launch people in space it would make sense if the first specie to do so was also the most resistant 

and if we cross this with the post about humans randomly helping animals: 

what if humans are seen as this super dangerous species who will nevertheless immediately go out of their way to help you if you need some help ? sure humans are terrifying but as a whole they’re just seen as this strange protector/guardian species that has always been out there 

Interstellar Cultural Exchange

A problem that we might have is the importance of food. There are certain things that I’m quite certain will be constant from culture to culture, and, barring the possibility of aliens taking control of  their evolution in such a way that they no longer need to eat, I think food would be one of them.

People would be careful in the beginning, but eventually some people would break more and more quarantine and contraband laws, resulting in unusual fusion which we might not be able to predict.


“What’s this apple-looking thing I’m eating?” 

“It’s actually an animal that sucks sap out of trees. Think of it as a vegetarian tick.”


“What is that?”

“It’s called chocolate, want some?”

***Two Hours Later***

“I see colors!”

“Chocolate is space cocaine. Got it.”


“Human, I have made gumbo using ingredients from my planet. Would you like some?”

“Isn’t your biome arsenic-based?”

“Your point?”


“Want some chips?”

“Are you insane human!? That has SALT in it! Are you trying to kill me!?”

Humans Are Weird (Pregnancy and Babies)

“Humans are weird” post! What if all aliens actually hatch from eggs and our planet is the only one in the universe that has mammals on it. For an alien, the shell of their egg is a bit like their birth certificate because it’s the proof that they were born, so it’s extremely important for them. To study the development of certain species, they sometimes have to ask some specimen of that species to show them their shell. But then, they visit Earth and meet humans…

Alien: Good morning Human-Nate. I am Xers, an eggshell specialist. In order to study your species development, I need you to show me the shell of the egg that you hatched from. Don’t worry, I am a professional. I can guarantee that you will have it back in the same state as it was when you entrusted it to me.
Human: hummmm, I’m sorry but I don’t have any eggshell to show you…..
Alien: Could it be that you lost it? If so, please excuse me for my previous request. I am sorry if you thought that it was a rude of me.
Human: Don’t apologize, it’s fine! *nervous hand gesture* I didn’t lose it or anything. It’s just that I never had one in the first place. Humans do not hatch from eggs.
Alien: W-what? They don’t?! Then how?
Human: Well, to put it short, the baby grows inside of the mother’s uterus for 9 months and then, when they are ready, they just…come out…by another part of the the mother’s reproductive system.
Alien: Directly from the uterus? With no shell or protection?! Baby humans actually SURVIVE this?!
Human: Yup, and I am the living proof! *laughs*
Alien: …..what the hell is wrong with your species.

To learn more about what humans call “pregnancy”, Xers went to see a pregnant woman and asked her questions about the singular gestation process of “mammals”. After a few minutes, the woman chuckled softly and put a hand on her round belly.

Alien: *worried* Human-Kate, are you alright?
Human: It’s nothing. I just felt a small kick from her. *chuckles*
Alien:….Did your growing organism just ATTACK YOU?!

Been seeing a lot of these Humans Are Space Orcs posts around- which is good, because I love them- and I started thinking: in sci-fi stories, humans in the future often have a bit of genetic engineering- like disease immunity or faster healing or even just a lack of body hair.

And I had a thought- what if that’s just us? What if we’re the only species to engineer ourselves like that? Imagine how freaked out they’d be;

“You’re telling me that you alter your own genetic code?”

Or take it a little further- we’re the only species to use vaccines. Every other race just toughed it out and evolved past it, but humans injected ourselves with weakened diseases to make ourselves stronger. 

Or even further back, when people used to drink poison to gain an immunity- imagine that reaction:

“OH MY GROP THEY DRINK POISON TO GET STRONGER THAT’S IT FUCK THIS PLANET I’M OUTTA HERE”

6

Once upon a time I made a LoZ AU ft. kid Link, black-haired Zelda, good guy Ganon, human Fi, and a whole lot of other self-indulgent junk. For whatever reason, I never shared it with anyone. I’m still super fond of them though.

After the Invasion

So you know how there’s all these posts about how aliens invade Earth only to realize that Earth is a death planet and/or Space Australia as the flora, fauna, weather, and natural disasters kill them off and traumatize them? Well, imagine that the alien invaders finally give up and leave Earth. What chases them off? I imagine that the resistance starts putting out information on cryptids. It’s the last straw for the invaders, especially since even the human inhabitants native to Earth seem to be confused about exactly how dangerous said cryptids are, and so the aliens have no way to be prepared to face them. Morale plummets (even further) and alien command has to call off the invasion due to the public outcry, making history as the first time this group of aliens has retreated from an invasion.

The surviving humans soon realize that the honor of chasing off that group of aliens has attracted a lot of attention from other groups of aliens. Some of these aliens are looking at possibly invading.  Others want to work with humans to turn Earth into a space vacation-destination. In order to discourage invaders while simultaneously attracting curious tourists, much information about the animals most infamous among the invaders is made readily available to the alien community in general, along with a lot of information on cryptids. Information on non-cryptids and cryptids is presented to aliens in much the same way, and the humans never clarify which are which, so many invaders are too scared to try and invade, while many tourists are intrigued by the potential mystery.

Of course, the tourists are horrified to learn that the hippopotamus is not, as they had thought, a cryptid.  

Alien/Human Interactions

-Aliens seeing how many times humans declare war on each other throughout history and thinking that humans enjoy war as some sort of sport or spectacle

-Aliens coming into possession of human sci-fi horror films and being worried that their human companions are afraid of them

-Aliens coming into possession of positive human representations of aliens and forming huge crushes on Mr. Spock and ET

-Aliens first discovering humans through stray TV broadcasts of the Brady Bunch, Grease, and other vintage tv shows. Intergalactic fashion suddenly shifts to favor clothing similar to 50s greaser jackets and sweaters

-Aliens falling in love with human fashion and parading around in poorly applied makeup (the said aliens watched dozens of tutorials on YouTube), bonus points if the alien is traditionally masculine looking. “I look like your human goddess Beyonce and you cannot convince me otherwise, human Steve.”

-Aliens falling in love with human languages and printing human words all over their clothing like Americans do with French words. However, they often mix up the languages by picking and choosing which words they like the best, so the phrases turn out like “C'est good, nyet?”

-Aliens relating more to neurodivergent people because of how their brains work, bonding with humans over different strengths and weaknesses

-Aliens seeing all the ways humans go thrill-seeking (rollercoasters, skydiving, bungee-jumping, water slides) and scolding their humans for putting themselves in danger oN PURPOSE

-Aliens tasting spicy foods for the first time and and scolding their humans for eating FIRE

-Aliens being worried that their human love interests find them unattractive and trying different things to look more human

-Aliens being confused by human daydreaming and infant “pretending”. Why would humans want to be anything else? They are already perfect.

-Aliens having the same weird fantasy of being “abducted” and “probed” by humans that we have of them

-Aliens having weird 70s style videos on “Human Etiquette”, with incredibly inaccurate info on how humans actually act

-Aliens first coming into contact with dogs and animals because we sent those into space first, assuming that humans are the same and attempting to placate them with tummy rubs and rubs behind the ears

Lots of ‘humans are weird’ posts focus on how humans get easily attached to other species— well what if that meant we were the only species who could properly empathise with alien species?

Other aliens understand the benefits of interspecies relations and so do trade and occasionally work with other species and, if two members of different species work together for long enough (like years) they will eventually bond. But they’ll never be on the same level as two members of the same species.

Then the humans come on board and they’re really nice.

They make a real effort to learn everybody’s names and to pronounce them properly. They try their best to include alien crew members in their conversations and social activities and they just generally treat you like they would another human.

Even when you encounter a human who isn’t abnormally friendly towards other species— they insult you, exclude you, sometimes even try to attack you. Normal interspecies friction— any friendly humans in the area who see this happening will immediately try to defend you. They’ll threaten another member of their species with violence and order them to apologise (if it’s a human that they have bonded with in some way it sometimes even works) just to protect you.

The official reason that every ship has at least one human is that they’re the best diplomats in the galaxy— the real reason is that they’re brilliant for morale. Humans bond with members of other species in a way that would take any other species years. What’s more, they make it easier for other interspecies crew members to bond by not letting any of their other species friends use interspecies slurs. They’re the best friends of the galaxy.

What’s even cuter though is that the humans themselves don’t see it that way. When you’re out with your human friend (and you don’t call them that sarcastically like you would any other member of a different species, somehow in treating you like you’re another human this human has caused you to bond with them) and they make some negative comment even vaguely related to your species, they’ll immediately add in a “no offence” just to make sure you haven’t been upset by them behaving the way every other species does.

When some Quargaxillian ambassadors have the population of a small human mining colony turn against them and kill them, the humans on your ship actually mind. While everybody else is just shrugging their shoulders (or however their species signals indifference) and saying “oh well, common hazard of interspecies relations” the humans are talking about what a shame it is and a few even apologise to Quargaxillian crew mates 'on behalf of the human race’.

Humans, like most species, have a history of hating members of their own species who are different than them. Aliens are really surprised when they read about racism, homophobia and other prejudices in Earth history books and are even more surprised when they learn that certain humans still have these beliefs. What really amazes them though is when they realise that this is why humans are so touchy about interspecies prejudice— because in their minds it’s no different from mistreating a member of your own species.

One thing that amaze me from the whole humans are space orcs is that, as far i know, no one have mentioned how human media or more specific “Human horror / sci fi media” will affect how the rest of galactic society will perceive humanity

Aliens surprised about how they have never cross paths with the aliens species the humans have battle as see in these “movies” humans love to watch

At first they thinks “movies” must be some class of audiovisual record of human history to be thaught to future genertions but then they are atonished about how humans look foward to see and renact some of these “movies” in what they called “reboots” and collect some ritual figures of the heros and adversaries in that movies.

Even the young ones get some of this as “toys”

Humans are a proud warrior race it seems

But then, it sinks to them “We never have heard about that aliens species before…” and the humans looks almost so casual sharings and retelling this movies almost funnily between them. And its shocking because, how one single race could just have extinguished from the face of the universe multiple threats and just shrug it off??

Its not a surpise that when the first contact bewtween space community and the human race start with “Hello humans! We come in peace! No, seriously.. really we really come in peace.We know about the legendary tales of Ellen Ripley and Will Smith and do not have a death wish”

Humans are Weird: Seasons

I was thinking about how Earth is probably one of the rare planets with seasonal climates, due to its wonky tilted axis. So Earth has a crazy variety of climates and weather patterns, and humans have just learned how to deal, much to the confusion of everybody else. 

This was turning into a headcanon about how humans are bizarrely prepared for anything, and then I had a thought- Space Cruises

Keep reading

Humans,Aliens, and Music

A humans are weird post I haven’t seen, our music. Like, animals on our planet have ‘music’ for specific reasons, while we put a tempo to pretty much anything, and sometimes it become detrimental to work flow and cohesion.

“Human, who are you conversing your sleep cycle with?”

“Hm? Oh, no, it’s just a song Malath.”

“??? And with whom are you communicating with???”

“No Malath, I’m just listening to a song.”

“Ah, what significant history are you attempting to learn?”

“I’m not, I’m just enjoying it for what it is.”

“You enjoy history???”

Similarly, musical instruments.

“Martin, to what function does that wooden device help you in engineering?”

“?? In doesn’t, I just play it like this. 🎶”

“Why not just use your body for such tones?”

“… Cause I cant.”

“But I have heard wonderful tones from Human Susan.”

“Yeah, because she trained to do that.”

“??? You train your mating call???”

you know what’s really interesting to see in a sci-fi setting? Pop culture. What is the alien equivalent of Spongebob, something anyone can reference and everyone else will get the joke. What icons are there, real or fictional? Is there an alien equivalent of Harry Potter? do aliens have the equivalent of Comic-cons and/or anime cons?

Also humans and aliens sharing culture stuff. Humans and aliens celebrating their native holidays together so they feel less homesick. Aliens and humans showing their pals famous movies from their home planet.

Galactic Anthroplogy

“They mass-slaughter this organism called "flowers” and give the bound mass of corpses to their desired mate as a courting ritual, possibly as proof of ability. Truly fascinating.“

An excerpt from the widely acclaimed ‘A Comprehensive Study of the Complex Social Dynamics of Humans’, Section 347-D3, ‘Ritual Wooing

“- Amongst the many diverse cultures of the human hive, a fairly prominent behavior becomes apparent to the observer, unique for the fact that it seems instinctual despite geographic location. This contrasts with much of the operant conditioning observed through their constructed hives and cultural rituals.

As previously indicated, nearly all human colonies display dominion over the surrounding inorganic and organic structure, perhaps as an exercise to constantly re-establish themselves as the apex species on their planet (Though their subservience to particular grain bearing flora and vegetative growths is well documented, see section 235-A6 ‘Human Propagation of Flora and Fauna, the Mass Human Effort known as ‘Agriculture’)

This behavior is displayed further during social rituals to establish further emotional and cognitive bond amongst colony members. The individual human gathers certain flower bearing growths from their surroundings -either from gathering them from the soil themselves, or obtaining them from the local distributor in exchange for currency- and gifts the slowly dying biomass to other individuals for ritualistic purposes.

As practice, the act has much significance socially, ranging from welcoming colony mates who have established familial dens in the dwelling space next to them (though apartment plants seem to be mostly living growths in containers, a behavior that may be linked to their need to display dominion of their environ. See Section 654-H7 ‘Non Species Specific Social Interactions’) yet is diverse enough to extend to gifts toward the individual humans birther on the celebration day of birthers, and to attract both reproductive and nonreproductive mates.

Such an activity is distinctive to humans, and can be attributed to their constant need for external stimulus. The growths serve a multifaceted purpose by providing olfactory, visual, and textural stimuli in a non harmful way, creating a sort of positive reinforcement that is associated with the individual who gave them. This, of course, leads to an enhanced emotional and mental cognitive state between individuals in further social interaction.

(The absence of gustatory stimuli by such growths is often noted, and as such, humans have taken to presenting gifts of carbohydrate rich foodstuff to accommodate the lack of presence in the flora.)

Many actions are taken to ensure the longest amount of positive stimulus is received from the cut growths. Many humans receiving will create a solution of hydro-nutrient feed to extend the life of the growth, and place the container and the flora somewhere in their dwelling or productivity space. Despite humans understanding that the growths would have a longer effect if they were not cut from their subterranean feed systems, it is still most common to give the dying stalks of flora instead of a live organism. Here in lies yet another idiosyncrasy of the species, a instinctual effort dominating an intellectual knowledge, once again exposing their relatively new evolution into sentient beings.-’