hum de dum dum

alternate episode 5 script

because i’m still salty about ep 5, i wrote an alternate version for it. kyoani, if you’re reading this, feel free to use.

scene 1:

makoto: hum de dum de dum haru r u in the tub––


makoto: OH MY GOD

scene 2:

makoto: and thats why i had to run home and change my pants.

haruka: it’s not the first time.

gou: why was nagisa in haruka-senpai’s tub? cos. you know. i exist too

nagisa: eh he he eh he he

gou: sounds like he’s hiding something.

rei: a girlfriend?

gou: come on son don’t be silly

scene 3:

haruka: this is a flashback.

nagisa: i am at your house

haruka: why are you at my house

nagisa: because out of all the senpais, i know i can talk to you without feeling like i’m being moddly-coddled. well, you and rin-chan but he’s out somewhere showing off his abs.

haruka: did someone say rin’s abs

nagisa: so anyway. here’s the deali-o. you guys are gonna graduate and we haven’t got any new members and i’m kinda freaking out. i thought it wasn’t that bad but when i thought rei-chan was gonna quit, i realized we’re pretty damn fucked. or just me, cos i have literally nothing going for me apart from this club and my friends.


nagisa: but i can’t stop you from graduating and i can’t make time stand still, and i just don’t know what to do. given that you’re struggling with future fish plans, i figured you could at least sympathize.


haruka: did someone say rin’s abs

scene 4:

nagisa: i wish there was someone who understood how i felt.

nitori: hi

nagisa: someone who was as much of a shota as me. who swam breast like me. who gets treated as comic filler like me.

nitori: hi

nagisa: oh hi ai-chan. nice swimming trunks, did your mom buy them for you?

nitori: after spending the entire season 1 unable to read rin-senpai’s emotional cues, i can actually recognize yours since they resonate with my own role as the weakest link of my team. wanna talk about it?

nagisa: i’m not the weakest link

nitori: you eat carbs like a pregnant lady, you sit on your ass all day, and while ryuugazaki-kun is out there busting his own ass off every day to get better, you make a joke out of everything to cover up the fact that you’re scared shitless that it’s not gonna be enough.

nagisa: i am the weakest link

nitori: it’s ok though. i used to think i had as much narrative purpose as a potted plant, but now i’m out there actually gaining relevance and making friends with people who aren’t rin-senpai. this has given me as much wow as an advice meme dog.

nagisa: i should probably get my shit together

nitori: here, try this free coupon.

scene 5:

nagisa: and that’s why i’m gonna put in the effort to try harder and take things more seriously and just ganbare myself into oblivion and not run away from things anymore.

rei: wow nagisa-kun you are so inspirational it’s beautiful

nagisa: i know right

makoto: this has been an excellent lesson in not taking anyone for granted. not even nagisa’s cheerfulness.

nagisa: i just love you guys so much. no bromo.

rei: we’ll figure things out together. things may change but we can evolve alongside them, and find new ways to be happy.

nagisa: baw baw baw

makoto: baw baw baw

rei: baw baw baw

gou: baw baw baw

haruka: did someone say rin’s abs