“I discovered at a very early age that, if I talk long enough? I could make *anything* right or wrong. So either I’m God, or truth is relative. And in either case: booyah.” — Jeff Winger (“Pilot”).
“As a student of character, I have the feeling that trying to make this commercial may cost the Dean his sanity — and my camera follows the fire, not the smoke. Ever seen, ‘Hearts of Darkness’? Way better than, ‘Apocalypse Now.’” — Abed Nadir (“Documentary Filmmaking Redux”).
“You know, we laugh? But the fact is: student/teacher relationships *do* happen, and they are a *magnet* for lawsuits. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watchlist, and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.… You guys be extra-careful now! Two people of *your* rankings in this small room? With this type of lighting, and his upper body, and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already *quite* a few favors from God? It’s all the more important to keep it tasteful!” — Dean Craig Pelton (“Interpretive Dance”).
“I told Pierce a thousand times! I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a *picture*!! YOU CAN’T DISAPPOINT A PICTURE!! ….Butterfly in the skyyy! / I can go twice as hiiiiiigh. / Take a look, it’s in a book / A reading raiiiiinboooow. Reading raaaainb… *sobs* Set phasers to LOVE ME!!” — Troy Barnes (“Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking”).
“I don’t like it…” “That’s okay. You know, you’re just reacting the way the world did to Jesus.” “I’m reacting the way the world does to movies about making movies about making movies! I mean, come on, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning, *damn*!” — Shirley Bennett and Abed Nadir (“Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples”).
“Hey, sorry for bailing on the psych experiment.” “That *was* the experiment, Troy. We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.” “……WHOA.” “Oh! Gotcha.” “*Gotcha*? That’s all you have to say?” “Yeah.” “You sat in a room for *twenty. six.* straight hours. Didn’t that… *bother* you?” “Yeah, I was livid.” “Then why didn’t you LEAVE?” “Because you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.” “……Wait, is this still part of the experiment?” — Annie Edison and Abed Nadir, feat. Troy Barnes (“Social Psychology”).
“So, in the experiment, Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards. The guards *immediately* started to—” “UGGGGGGGH.” “What’s wrong?” “I’ve got this weird pain right above my eyebrow…” “*rolls eyes* It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.” “I hate it!” “Well, get used to it! You’re knee-deep in it now, brother. This is *debate*!” — Annie Edison and Jeff Winger (“Debate 109”).
“What is *WRONG* with you people?! Huh? I thought you were supposed to be *friends*! I thought you were supposed to LOVE each other! Your love is *WEIRD*! And *TOXIC*! And it destroys everything it touches! I no longer *care* about grade… or biology… or finally graduating from college like I promised my dying father! I’m going *home*. I am gonna hold my wife and my child close, and I am gonna finally TAKE MY INSULIN SHOT. …OFFENSE TAKEN! …Offense taken.” — Todd Jacobsen (“Competitive Ecology”).
“What if a ghost took the pen.… Seriously: why not. Why not just, ‘A ghost took the pen?’” “Okay, I’ve been saying that for *hours*—” “And we should’ve been listening to *Troy* from the beginning. Guys, look in your hearts and answer this question honestly. What’s more likely: that someone in this group *doesn’t belong* in this group, or ghosts? If we have to choose between turning on each other or pinning it on some spectre with unfinished, pen-related business? I’m sorry, but my money’s on ghost.” — Jeff Winger and Troy Barnes (“Cooperative Calligraphy”).
“I boiled the yams! Vicki’s yam never sprouted, and I didn’t want her to fail, so I threw off the grading curve, so she wouldn’t have to go to summer school and we could finally have sex at my parents’ cabin! GOD FORGIVE ME, I DID IT FOR LOVE!!” “Holy *crap*! We are *definitely* dissecting pinecones next year!” — Fat Neil and Dr. Marshall Kane (“Basic Lupine Urology”).
“You didn’t hurt my feelings, Shirley.… I was just trying to throw you a bone because I like you.” “Oh? Well, you can keep *that* bone. Listening to a story about a stranger pissing me off and taking the stranger’s side? And then you can’t talk about your own business, but you insinuate my mama’s a robot because she and I want *makeovers*. *That* is the ladies’ room, Britta. A place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other, and discreetly eliminate waste. And I like you, too. I even like that you’re a little hard. But if you can’t learn to be soft in *there*? You need to pee alone.” — Britta Perry and Shirley Bennett (“Football, Feminism and You”).
“You’re mad at me?” “I spent a week planning a party just to make you happy. And then I bailed on the party and ruined it — again? Just to make you happy. And it turns out, while I was wasting my time trying to make you happy? You were making *yourself* happy all over everyone else by doing yet *another* stupid movie spoof.” “I prefer the term, ‘homage.’ …It wasn’t about making me happy. I chose ‘My Dinner With André’ because it’s about a guy who has an unexpectedly enjoyable evening with a weird friend he’s been avoiding lately.… You and I hung out more last year.” — Abed Nadir and Jeff Winger (“Critical Film Studies”).
“What does it mean? …No riddles. You’re screwing around with everyone, you gave *me* a tiara. What does it mean? Are these — are these *blood diamonds*? Are they *Holocaust diamonds*?!” “No!” “Well, what does it mean?!” “It means… you’re my favorite.” “…What does *THAT* mean?!” — Annie Edison, feat. Pierce Hawthorne (“Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking”).
“I got freaked out by that, ‘boyfriend’ label. I’m afraid of commitment.” “How original.… You’re acting like I’m a Venus flytrap. I didn’t want or need more than what we were doing.” “Let’s get back to it! Should I get the door?” “I can’t now, because you went to the, ‘friend’ place. That’s *you* getting official, not me. Because unless there’s something I need to know about the lunch lady or that blonde in your Spanish class with the infinite supply of leather jackets? Somewhere between our ninth and eleventh slumber parties, statistically speaking? Most people would call us more than pals.” — Jeff Winger and Michelle Slater (“Interpretive Dance”).
“I don’t think I can finish my commercial. But I think I know how your documentary ends.… I have failed this school. I have failed it because I thought I was better than Greendale. You see, I went to a university, so I thought it was my job to *improve* this place. But it turns out that the only thing wrong with Greendale? Is that it’s run by an insecure wreck, who holds five dances and two talent shows a year because he’s afraid that this school isn’t good enough. But Greendale *is* good enough because it accepts me for when I’m not. Greendale is the best! school! in the entire world! And I’m so sorry, what I’ve done to it.” — Dean Craig Pelton (“Documentary Filmmaking Redux”).
“The truth is? I’m lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is — the stupidly, pathetically, inconveniently obvious truth is: helping only ourselves is *bad*, and helping each other is *GOOD*.… It’s that easy. You just stop thinking about what’s good for you, and start thinking about what’s good for someone else, and you can change the whole game with one move.” — Jeff Winger (“Introduction to Finality”).