The biggest difficulty as I see it, is getting a person to be open to the possibility that what they think is going on might not be going on. Everything in our conditioning tells us that the way to get rid of something is to hate it–hate it out of existence. When we present to a person that it’s the resistance that’s maintaining the problem, they tend to not want to talk to us anymore.
What we’re moving toward is letting go of everything that keeps us from BEING PRESENT WITH OURSELVES.
And the first and foremost thing we’ll encounter is fear.
We’re afraid of how we feel, afraid of who we are.
When grieving, give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel instead of having standards about how you should be. It is not true that certain feelings are okay and others are not. “Okay” and “not okay” are thoughts. When we put thoughts in charge of feelings we get into trouble.
It’s not the feeling we’re having that’s a problem, it’s our judgment about that feeling.
We could be feeling anything, and, if we weren’t telling ourselves it was wrong in some way, there would be no problem. The problem comes when we reject ourselves for what we’re feeling.
Our feelings are the most intimate experience we have of ourselves. Very often we think we need to blame ourselves for our feelings, or feel guilt about them, and then punish or discipline ourselves.
But really, what we do about our feelings determines the quality of our relationship with ourselves.
We are responsible to how we feel rather than for how we feel.
If we can create a safe, loving place within ourselves for how we feel, then we can create it for all the aspects of who we are.
Get used to looking to see how you feel.
Don’t assume you know.
As long as we’re depressed, we don’t know how we’re feeling. It’s only when we say yes to ourselves and stop depressing that how we’re feeling becomes available to us.
You can open up to yourself (dare you?) a little at a time until the pressure is down.
All you have to do is acknowledge how you are feeling and then treat yourself as you would treat a friend who was feeling the same way.
-I should know better
-I have no right to feel this way
-I’ve done something very wrong
-I’ve been treated unfairly
-I brought this on myself
The big question here is “So what?” The most likely reason you’re having this experience is that you haven’t given yourself enough compassion.
A good beating never helped anything–except possibly a rug–and aren’t you tired of being one?
Taking that risk often involves learning to trust yourself and WE DON’T TRUST PEOPLE WHO BEAT US UP!
If we’re going to find out who we are, we have to stop the beatings long enough to open up to ourselves in order to find out who we are.
This is the only way to find out who we are.