hspn

Used car

Me: So I was reading more about Kanté’s Mini. Apparently, he didn’t have a car when he came from France, so Leicester gave him a used car. They didn’t even give him a new one! So he has a used Mini.

Brother: (laughing) So he just kept it?

Me: Yeah.

Brother: I bet it says ‘Leicester City’ on it and he doesn’t care.

Me: He says he doesn’t care about cars and he liked it.

Brother: Yeah, he liked it so much, he just drove off in it.

The most pleasant person on earth

Pre-match:

Brother: The Chinese captain looks like the most pleasant person on earth.

Me: I think that’s why they picked her. When you watch their arm-folding line-up, she is definitely the most fun of all of them.

Brother: Her mascot is more intimidating than her.

Me: She’s so nice, she even picked up the coin for the ref.

The Don, Part 20

Pedro scores, 18th minute:

Me: That’s it?

Michy Batshuayi scores, 44th minute:

Me: This cameraman is the worst. He didn’t show Conte celebrating!
Brother: Maybe he’s not celebrating.

Willian scores, 52nd minute:

Pedro scores, 75th minute:

Me: That’s it?
Brother: Maybe he doesn’t want to celebrate too much against a League Three club.

(Also, the bearded guy on the far right who celebrates Willian’s and Pedro’s goals by hitting his head with a folded-up program.)

The Don: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19

This is what our dad got my brother for his birthday

Dad: HA HA HA HA HA.

Mom: That looks real. He’s handsome.

Our younger brother: STOP MAKING HIM LOOK AT ME. [Eventually, after he got tired me of moving it around the house, he turned it toward the wall.]

Me: You should watch the matches with him.
Brother: I will definitely be doing that. I’ll be standing there next to him like this [watches sternly with arms crossed].
Me: Better yet, you should dress like Rui and lose your shit behind him.
Brother: Or I should get a notebook to flip through.

Later, my brother sent me this photo from outside his apartment:

Bonus hilarious photo: Gary Cahill is a morning person.

Brother: This makes the joy he gets after scoring a goal look less important if he’s that happy in this picture.

Me:

Cahill: ORANGE JUICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cech: Dude, you said the same thing about breakfast like fifteen seconds ago. Before that, about the elevator. Before that, about walking down the hall. Before that, about waking up–and we weren’t even in the same room, you CALLED me to tell me that.

That is the greatest photo, though, in all seriousness.

Brother: It really is. If you were the manager and you were verbally calling out the lineup and then you saw him smiling like that, you’d probably just stick him in there.

Steve Holland and Satire

So I went to meet the Chelsea team at their team hotel last week before they played Man City. One of the first men to come out was Steve Holland. Now we were in Manchester, so a lot of idiots were around who were there purely to get autographs on shirts to sell them- people who probably didn’t even support Chelsea. So anyway, Steve Holland comes out and this guy next to me pushes me aside, despite the fact that I was hyperventilating at the fact that Steve Fucking Holland was right in front me. Then this guy asks Steve for his autograph and their conversation went a little like this-
Idiot- Give us an Autograph mate?
Steve - Sure *takes pen*
Idiot - who are you anyway?
Steve - … I have your pen in my hand and now you’re asking me who I am?
Idiot - i know but who actually even are you?
Me- Are you fucking stupid? He’s Steve Holland. He’s one of the main coaches. Why are you even here?
Steve - *finishes signing idiots shirt and moves onto me*
At this point I could hardly speak, that’s how in awe I was , but I said - ’ Ignore him, he has no respect. You’re such an amazing guy. The true fans know who you are Steve!
Steve - *PATS MY HAND* and walks into coach.
Idiot - BUT WHO ARE YOU?
Steve - *smiles* no one important.

I later saw Steve and Jose share a laugh as Mou shook his head in disbelief while SH told him something - no doubt this exchange. At least I got to see Steve Holland smile…

Chocolate medal

Tom Jenkins of the Guardian took this great photo, which was captioned, ‘Gary Cahill compares medals with his son Leo. No doubt the youngster preferred his medal as it was made of chocolate.’

Brother: It was on that day he decided to win the PL fifteen years later, only to be disappointed when his medal was made of metal.

The highlight of pre-season

Oh yeah, Thibaut Courtois’ match-winning penalty kick:

Brother: HAHAHA. THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
Me: DAMN I TOLD YOU HE FEELS FUCKING GOOD.
Brother: THAT’S THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY PRE-SEASON.
Me: They should put out a pre-season DVD that’s just that moment.

Later:

Brother: Apparently, that’s the first PK he’s taken since he was twelve. I’ve seen the replay 5-10 times now; it’s basically unstoppable. If he told the other keeper where he was going to put it and if the keeper had to start from his center point, there’s no way he could have reached it.

Even later:

Courtois walks off and is all, Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

Me: Just rewatched the Courtois PK and I love 1. that his strike is so strong, it practically gets lodged in the side netting 2. his pimp walk off after he hugs the other keeper.
Brother: Yeah, that’s pretty much the only way to act after you save a PK and then convert one awesomely.

youtube

Bonus awesome video: Ross Turnbull’s son Josh literally walks in a goal.

Brother: I think the greatest part about this is that he celebrates the goal. If this is what Ross has been working on all year, then mission accomplished.