hspn

Chelsea Ladies celebrate Crystal Dunn’s opener against Doncaster Belles in the FA Women’s Cup, the first of seven unanswered goals.

Dunn scored another, joined by Ji So-Yun (with a brace herself), Ramona Bachmann, Katie Chapman, Drew Spence, and an own goal.

Antonio Conte and José Mourinho disagree.

Me: THERE IT IS.
Brother: FUCKING GAS WEARING PANTS. Rui almost blocked out the pants.
Me: Bah ha ha, I love that’s what you got out of it.
Brother: I was cracking up at first, and then I was like, Oh shit, there is GAS, so I had to go back to see if he was wearing pants and he was. That was great overall, although I wonder if Rui now wants to work with Conte.
Me: Just Rui of all people trying to cool it down. What the hell. Also just days after we were talking about how calm Conte is. Ha ha, Rui quietly applies for Steve’s job.

A long con to root us out

Me: FT EMOJI?! It’s ridiculous that it’s 63 different expressions, and not 63 different hairstyles.

Brother: I installed it and then they wanted something shady, so I deleted it.

Me: That’s creepy. What did they want?

Brother: I don’t know if it’s standard, but it wants full access to your phone and the warning says that they would even be able to see things you previously typed. I just want FT in a mask to send and they don’t need to know my credit card number for me to do that.

Me: Um…no, thank you very much. I think this a long con to root out who the owners of HSPN are. I mean, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this comes out right after the Feast Day of St. Fernando.

The most pleasant person on earth

Pre-match:

Brother: The Chinese captain looks like the most pleasant person on earth.

Me: I think that’s why they picked her. When you watch their arm-folding line-up, she is definitely the most fun of all of them.

Brother: Her mascot is more intimidating than her.

Me: She’s so nice, she even picked up the coin for the ref.

The Don, Part 31

Willian scores, 13th minute:

Gary Cahill scores, 87th minute:

Me: CONTE USING THE DUGOUT AS A JUNGLE GYM.
Brother: HAHA THAT’S THE CELEBRATION WE WANT, CONTE. MONKEY CONTE.

Full time:

Me: Boy, Conte loved that.

Brother: Just saw the Conte celebrations after the game. He was pumped, but his celebration with Courtois was great. I bet if you could see Courtois, he would have an awkward face.

The Don: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30

Steve Holland and Satire

So I went to meet the Chelsea team at their team hotel last week before they played Man City. One of the first men to come out was Steve Holland. Now we were in Manchester, so a lot of idiots were around who were there purely to get autographs on shirts to sell them- people who probably didn’t even support Chelsea. So anyway, Steve Holland comes out and this guy next to me pushes me aside, despite the fact that I was hyperventilating at the fact that Steve Fucking Holland was right in front me. Then this guy asks Steve for his autograph and their conversation went a little like this-
Idiot- Give us an Autograph mate?
Steve - Sure *takes pen*
Idiot - who are you anyway?
Steve - … I have your pen in my hand and now you’re asking me who I am?
Idiot - i know but who actually even are you?
Me- Are you fucking stupid? He’s Steve Holland. He’s one of the main coaches. Why are you even here?
Steve - *finishes signing idiots shirt and moves onto me*
At this point I could hardly speak, that’s how in awe I was , but I said - ’ Ignore him, he has no respect. You’re such an amazing guy. The true fans know who you are Steve!
Steve - *PATS MY HAND* and walks into coach.
Idiot - BUT WHO ARE YOU?
Steve - *smiles* no one important.

I later saw Steve and Jose share a laugh as Mou shook his head in disbelief while SH told him something - no doubt this exchange. At least I got to see Steve Holland smile…

Chocolate medal

Tom Jenkins of the Guardian took this great photo, which was captioned, ‘Gary Cahill compares medals with his son Leo. No doubt the youngster preferred his medal as it was made of chocolate.’

Brother: It was on that day he decided to win the PL fifteen years later, only to be disappointed when his medal was made of metal.

The highlight of pre-season

Oh yeah, Thibaut Courtois’ match-winning penalty kick:

Brother: HAHAHA. THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
Me: DAMN I TOLD YOU HE FEELS FUCKING GOOD.
Brother: THAT’S THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY PRE-SEASON.
Me: They should put out a pre-season DVD that’s just that moment.

Later:

Brother: Apparently, that’s the first PK he’s taken since he was twelve. I’ve seen the replay 5-10 times now; it’s basically unstoppable. If he told the other keeper where he was going to put it and if the keeper had to start from his center point, there’s no way he could have reached it.

Even later:

Courtois walks off and is all, Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

Me: Just rewatched the Courtois PK and I love 1. that his strike is so strong, it practically gets lodged in the side netting 2. his pimp walk off after he hugs the other keeper.
Brother: Yeah, that’s pretty much the only way to act after you save a PK and then convert one awesomely.