hspn

Steve Holland and Satire

So I went to meet the Chelsea team at their team hotel last week before they played Man City. One of the first men to come out was Steve Holland. Now we were in Manchester, so a lot of idiots were around who were there purely to get autographs on shirts to sell them- people who probably didn’t even support Chelsea. So anyway, Steve Holland comes out and this guy next to me pushes me aside, despite the fact that I was hyperventilating at the fact that Steve Fucking Holland was right in front me. Then this guy asks Steve for his autograph and their conversation went a little like this-
Idiot- Give us an Autograph mate?
Steve - Sure *takes pen*
Idiot - who are you anyway?
Steve - … I have your pen in my hand and now you’re asking me who I am?
Idiot - i know but who actually even are you?
Me- Are you fucking stupid? He’s Steve Holland. He’s one of the main coaches. Why are you even here?
Steve - *finishes signing idiots shirt and moves onto me*
At this point I could hardly speak, that’s how in awe I was , but I said - ’ Ignore him, he has no respect. You’re such an amazing guy. The true fans know who you are Steve!
Steve - *PATS MY HAND* and walks into coach.
Idiot - BUT WHO ARE YOU?
Steve - *smiles* no one important.

I later saw Steve and Jose share a laugh as Mou shook his head in disbelief while SH told him something - no doubt this exchange. At least I got to see Steve Holland smile…

The most pleasant person on earth

Pre-match:

Brother: The Chinese captain looks like the most pleasant person on earth.

Me: I think that’s why they picked her. When you watch their arm-folding line-up, she is definitely the most fun of all of them.

Brother: Her mascot is more intimidating than her.

Me: She’s so nice, she even picked up the coin for the ref.

The highlight of pre-season

Oh yeah, Thibaut Courtois’ match-winning penalty kick:

Brother: HAHAHA. THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
Me: DAMN I TOLD YOU HE FEELS FUCKING GOOD.
Brother: THAT’S THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY PRE-SEASON.
Me: They should put out a pre-season DVD that’s just that moment.

Later:

Brother: Apparently, that’s the first PK he’s taken since he was twelve. I’ve seen the replay 5-10 times now; it’s basically unstoppable. If he told the other keeper where he was going to put it and if the keeper had to start from his center point, there’s no way he could have reached it.

Even later:

Courtois walks off and is all, Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

Me: Just rewatched the Courtois PK and I love 1. that his strike is so strong, it practically gets lodged in the side netting 2. his pimp walk off after he hugs the other keeper.
Brother: Yeah, that’s pretty much the only way to act after you save a PK and then convert one awesomely.

What shirt should my brother buy?: Elimination #6

A series in which my brother decides which name will be on the back of his 2016-17 Chelsea home shirt by process of elimination:

The remaining list of Kit Decision 2016 candidates:

1 -- Asmir Begovic
2 -- Branislav Ivanovic
4 -- Cesc Fàbregas
5 -- Kurt Zouma
7 -- N'Golo Kanté
10 -- Eden Hazard
12 -- Mikel John Obi
13 -- Thibaut Courtois
14 -- Ruben Loftus-Cheek
15 -- Victor Moses
19 -- Diego Costa
21 -- Nemanja Matic
22 -- Willian
23 -- Michy Batshuayi
24 -- Gary Cahill
26 -- John Terry
28 -- César Azpilicueta
29 -- Nathaniel Chalobah
30 -- David Luiz
34 -- Ola Aina
37 -- Eduardo
41 -- Dominic Solanke

Elimination #6: 24 - Gary Cahill

Motherfucking Gary Cahill. He’s ruining this for everyone. His hair is terrible and maybe that’s the issue. Everyone is upset with Brana because he’s effectively forgotten how to defend, which is his job as a defender. Cahill’s issue is much worse. He’s forgotten how to pass the ball to his own teammates. He can blame Fer all he wants and say that he was fouled, but he should have just gotten the ball out. If I was Conte and I was dealing with him in practice, I would tell him every time he gets the ball, his goal is to shoot and try to score no matter what. At least that way, he won’t be back passing it to the other team’s defender; he will be passing it to the other team’s keeper. Whatever his issue is, he led to us being embarrassed against Arsenal and I can’t excuse that. Motherfucker.

Previous eliminations: Oscar (8), Pedro (11), Collins (42) & Tomori (33), Alonso (3)