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The Guardian’s delightful ‘How the 2016-17 Premier League title was won by Chelsea’ video.

It’s a good distillation of our road to the title, but it’s also worth it just for the gag at the end. (And the little animated Kanté is perfect.)

Farewell, Steve

I’ve only looked at the ‘HSPN’ tag in Tumblr twice ever, both times by accident; I guess it’s a combination of only having enough time to post and also it literally never occurring to me that anyone else used the tag. But the last time I glanced at it, I was surprised that not only had other blogs actually used it, but also that it was used exclusively to discuss Steve Holland. If the thing we’re best known for is our love of Steve Holland, that’s not bad.

The irony of this is, of course, that Steve himself would probably be mortified that anyone was paying attention to him, let alone documenting his every move and giving him a pictorial farewell tour. (To quote one of our best posts about him, ‘Even I don’t get this one, and I’m Steve Holland.’) At the recent trophy celebration, he seemed baffled that anyone would want him to make a speech. But he was–and is–just as much a part of our narrative as anyone there, perhaps even more so, given his longevity as a member of the backroom staff and across the club. His service deserves to be recognized and celebrated, even if it’s only by a blog about hair jokes.

So thanks for everything you did for Chelsea, Steve, the greatest man in recorded and unrecorded history.

Some Steve Holland highlights:

Doing impressions of him all day

Ahead of the FA Cup final, Chelsea and Arsenal play a round of Heads Up:

Brother: I wish they got rid of everything else and just had Kanté do impressions.

Me: Oh god, I could’ve watched Kanté’s Cahill impression and Hazard laughing at it all day. According to the Guardian, Luiz has appointed himself Kanté’s BFF. The only more unlikely Kanté pairing I can think of is Kanté and Diego.

Brother: I bet Kanté and Costa just walk around doing impressions of Cahill all day. I could 100% see him doing that exact impression.

Me: Ha ha, I could see that. If I was Kanté, I would insist on always walking out of the tunnel after Cahill so I could do that impression constantly behind him. Cahill’s lucky Kanté plays in front of him, because otherwise he could do it during matches, too.

Smoke gets in your eyes

Juventus go down two goals, 64th minute:

Brother: Haha, love the Italian bros, one who was smoking.

Me: Is that seriously allowed in the stadium?! Actually, I forgot. It probably is, since it was at Porto.

Brother: Down 3-1 in the CL final. Security: We’ll allow it.

Me: Ha ha, seriously. It’s probably the only thing stopping a riot from breaking out.

Brother: I hope security is passing out cigarettes.

A great set of completely random orders

Brother: Apparently, this is a receipt from a dinner with Messi, Suárez, and Cesc. I hope Cesc said, I’ll take eight of the €87 quesadillas.

Me: The 27 pizzas crack me up. Also, why would anyone order a whiskey sour when there are like five bottles of Macallan and a billion Jeroboams of Dom?

Brother: It’s a great set of completely random orders. I hope the person who got the whiskey sour ate all 27 pizzas and is vomiting a lot right now.

Me: I assume a lot of that order is for children, because Cesc has like a billion kids (albeit one is a newborn) and I know Messi and Fang have a few. I feel like the person who got the whiskey sour was probably the same person who ordered the side of french fries and then extra bread when there was Wagyu beef and caviar [with tartare] on the table. Or Cesc, Messi, and Cannibal were like, Fuck it, we’re on vacation, all of this is for us. Conte text: Hi Cesc, I just saw your bill; you are not on the team anymore, xo, Conte.

Brother: I got to the part where you said Fang, started cracking up, and didn’t read the rest. I thought that Messi’s wife is named Fang, and then realized that you meant the cannibal.

He will grow your bank account

According to the Telegraph, David Luiz gifted his colleagues Senturion keys, a wearable piece of luxury tech that syncs to and, thus, unlocks one’s car:

Brother: Yeah, I want to see Kanté use his for his Mini.

Me: Ha ha, that’s amazing. It cost more than the Mini originally did. Also I hope Roman synced his to his yacht.

Brother: Kante math:

  • Mini cost: zero.
  • Super key cost: zero.

He’s got to be TP’s hero. I bet he has a photo of Kanté over his bed.

Me: Hell, I’m putting a photo of Kanté over my bank account.

Brother: I’m going to put him in charge of my account. I’ll make a new one and put zero dollars in it and in a year, I’ll have a Mini and a bracelet.

Who cares about passing

Michy Batshuayi got his in-form card in FIFA:

Brother: He did it!

Me: I bet Conte’s not going to like ‘who cares about passing.’

Brother: I bet Cesc showed up at his door at that very minute and said I do.

Me: Ha ha, I could see that scenario:

Michy: (typing) Who cares about passing?
(Instant doorbell.)
Cesc: I DO. (Text sound; Cesc looks at his phone, then shows it to Michy.)
Xavi: (text) I DO TOO.

Brother: Hilario: I got hurt passing once. I’m the worst.

The most pleasant person on earth

Pre-match:

Brother: The Chinese captain looks like the most pleasant person on earth.

Me: I think that’s why they picked her. When you watch their arm-folding line-up, she is definitely the most fun of all of them.

Brother: Her mascot is more intimidating than her.

Me: She’s so nice, she even picked up the coin for the ref.