In happier news, David Beckham has completed his contract with America, is done with his soccer career, and is possibly moving his family back overseas where they belong. So Harper and HRH The Baby of Cambridge can just be the best of friends and I can be beautiful and famous all on my own. I don’t need them.

They better do it fast before they have to buy two plane tickets for Harper’s thighs.

Here are thirty seconds of footage that has everyone losing their minds – Duchess Kate says she will take an offered teddy bear to her “d–” before stopping herself and backtracking. Many people think she was starting to say “daughter” before thinking better of it; others believe she may have been heading toward “dog” before realizing that could be considered rude. Personally, I think she was getting ready to say “domestic servant,” which is what I’d do with cheap gifts from royal subjects. In any case, it’s a lot of excitement over nothing. I’ll worry about a royal princess when I get the birth announcement in the mail.