The Baby of Cambridge is a boy!

There is a town crier (some cute little clown man) screaming about this outside St. Mary’s Hospital right at this moment

I wanted a little baby princess dressed in adorable clothes by Kate, but a cute little boy who will grow to over six feet of toned tanned limbs and with better hair than William sounds more than alright to me

can’t wait for the name to come out!!!

The Baby of Cambridge is not due for another nine days, but this is the scene outside the hospital where he or she will be born.

Oh, brother. I hope that this baby is like three weeks overdue and super-anticlimactic. I hope a brazen stepladder thief stumbles across this scene and has a field day.

I hope that the moment they bring the baby out of the hospital, a double decker bus goes by and no one gets a good picture. And also maybe it could be like a Carrie Bradshaw moment and Kate could get splashed with gutter water. And then the bus drives off, and that is when they get the first picture of the royal baby.

Haha, oh, Suri, stop. Sometimes I crack myself up.

Well, this was the best possible outcome I could have hoped for. A boring, probably not that cute boy will be the Prince of Cambridge – and one day the King of England. I remain the unchallenged best-dressed woman under ten in the western world. 

Doesn’t mean it’s not still a rough day, or that I don’t need lots of carbohydrates to soak up all the misery in my stomach.

This is the day for which bagels were invented.

In other news, Kate Middleton’s royal baby is due in July. Let’s try to look on the bright side?

1) Less attention for Baby Kardashian-West.

2) The Palace said “baby,” so it’s still not twins.

3) The baby could be born on Princess Diana’s birthday, which even I will admit is precious.

4) Nope, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got.

So the Belgians got a new King this weekend, and King Philippe brought with him four blonde princes and princesses. The girl not awkwardly squinting like an amateur is now the first in line to the Belgian throne, a job which I assume requires little more than attending operas and cracking champagne bottles over cruise ships. (I would be so good at that job.)

I like Princess Elisabeth’s strong, confident wave, her bold red outfit, and the political nothingness that comes from being the Future Queen of the Belgians. I have no problems with her, and I wish her well.

This will be the only royal news for the week.

Just kidding. The Duchess of Cambridge is in labor. I have to cover that mess.


There’s a rumor going around that Kim Kardashian sent the Duchess of Cambridge a baby gift, since the two are both due in July and that made Kim “incredibly excited.” (First of all, Kim, you shouldn’t be incredibly excited – this means that your child, if it’s lucky, will be the third-most talked about delivery in July, after Kate’s baby and Kate’s placenta.)

Kim seems to think this will give her and the Duchess something to bond over, kind of like how she went around her wedding chanting, “This is our version of the Royal Wedding!” (Please. It was in a tent.)

But anyway, I guess if you see Kate in a leopard print “maternity” jumpsuit stretched too tight over her backside, you’ll know where she got it.

In happier news, David Beckham has completed his contract with America, is done with his soccer career, and is possibly moving his family back overseas where they belong. So Harper and HRH The Baby of Cambridge can just be the best of friends and I can be beautiful and famous all on my own. I don’t need them.

They better do it fast before they have to buy two plane tickets for Harper’s thighs.