hp:ed

Skinny says

Skinny says “I love you.  Why don’t we see each other any more?”

              The truth is I still have that number

              I haven’t reached for, I haven’t called out in a while.

              But it’s saved somewhere in a notebook called Goal with calorie                         letters and three digit victories.

Skinny says “You’re beautiful”

              and I know that’s not a complete sentence.

              There’s always an if waiting behind those words.

              I wonder how many conditions that kind of love requires.

Because Skinny is a bad ex girlfriend who won’t accept it’s over,

or a bad ex boyfriend who keeps popping up on my newsfeed.

Skinny is always nearby reminding me of what I almost had

what I gave up

what I could have back with an empty stomach and a secret.

.

Skinny says “I miss you.”

              And I won’t lie, I miss it too sometimes

              when the clothes hug too tight and I find other people’s stares.

Skinny says “Come back.”

              I want to remind myself that Skinny is a liar

              that will tell me anything.

Skinny says “You’re ugly now.  You need me.”

               Parts of me still believe it.

Skinny isn’t a person I can cut out of my life

it is a constant pressure to break my body down

              to twist until I crack.

And still,               years later

I crave Skinny,

that thing I force down my throat to convince myself it’s love.

              I might never stop missing Skinny.

Skinny never says “Goodbye.”

on eating disorders and self-diagnosis

I think what a lot of people don’t realize is that there’s a ton of secrecy and shame associated with a lot of self-harming mental illness. Like cutting and eating disorders—a lot of the mental state is “OH NO IT’S MY LITTLE SECRET.’ It’s why you end up with the pro-ana movement right and calling it something girlish and feminine like “ana” and “Mia” like “it’s my secret best friend” when really it’s because you’re literally forcing your body to eat itself alive and you know that’s not sane but you can’t face telling people it’s not. 

Because the ultimate reaction nearly every single time is 

a) you’re fine what are you doing

b) you don’t have an eating disorder you’re watching your weight that’s fine

c) how could you betray me this way

and that’s A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE conversation to have—to convince somebody that yes, you’re not OK? you would have to admit that your behavior is unhealthy and you have to stop.

And EDs are like an addiction—it’s this horrifying loop of “I know I shouldn’t do this but it makes me feel better but actually it makes me feel worse I am such a piece of shit never again god just more I need to do more to make myself feel better more oh god not again” circle that really drives you insane. And like all addicts, we protect our source of our high.

So lots of people actually self-diagnose through the internet and reading similar stories and shit, but THAT DOESN’T MAKE THEIR STORIES LESS VALID OR THEIR ED LESS SEVERE. Not everybody ends up in the hospital with a feeding tube, thank fucking god. Not everybody has an ED problem that is loud and flashy—and the most scary disorders are the ones that people can hide and call themselves “Functioning.”

But like me, personally—it took me a while to actually tell a psychologist/therapist ANYTHING about my thoughts on food—I thought I was being normal and sane and proactive. It was horrible and then when one therapist actually made me keep a food journal she was shocked like “how long have you felt this way about food?” and it’s like I couldn’t tell her.

But we all know our signs. we all know the attitude we get. My last flare up was horrific and I didn’t realize how bad it was, how hyper focused I was on calories and food and denying myself pleasure that I literally was brushing my teeth at night and tasting my toothpaste and I was so damn hungry and fucked up that I thought “OH MY GOD TOOTHPASTE TASTES SO GOOD, IT’S LIKE CANDY FOR YOUR MOUTH—HOW MANY CALORIES DOES TOOTHPASTE HAVE?”

LITERALLY THAT WAS HOW TENUOUS MY LOGIC CHAIN WAS AT THE MOMENT. I WAS COUNTING THE CALORIES OF TOOTHPASTE—SOMETHING YOU USE TO PREVENT THE EFFECTS OF SUGAR ON YOUR TEETH.

So recovery is about those moments—those moments of “what the fuck am I doing?” it’s a private moment, just like the many scary private moments that make up the disorder. But it’s all personal. It’s not less valid just because you’re the only one who knows.

And there is a click when you know you’re acting fucked up. That click is amazing. That click is a revelation. For me, that click was Hedgeknight saying “you’re feeling guilty about a basic bodily function. Eating is necessary for your body.” 

But do know that it gets easier when you have a support net. And like every addiction—admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving that problem.

7840) I'm one of the skinner people in my group of friends and I can see that and comprehend that but I'm still convinced I'm fat. I barely eat and I feel like I'm losing my mind. It pisses me off that whenever I call myself fat they say "well if you're fat, then what am I?" They just don't get it. I can't help it.
7

Requested! Your brother Luke is worried about you when he finds out you haven’t been eating! (Requests are open!) Also- this is emotional abuse and if you find yourself in this sort of situation please talk to someone and remember that you’re worth is so much more than what someone thinks of you!