Here are just some of the ways Bill Weasley shows he is the absolute cat’s pyjamas. Which, in case you were wondering, is far better than the ghoul’s pyjamas…
“Bill was – there was no other word for it – cool.” Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
He’s a curse-breaker for Gringotts
The job title alone sounds pretty awesome. Not only does Bill have goblins for colleagues – notoriously tricky customers – but he also gets to do the majority of his work amid the pyramids of Egypt. He’s pretty much the closest the wizarding world has to Indiana Jones.
He showed us that it’s cool to be clever
Obviously we already have Hermione flying the flag for bookworms everywhere, but Bill is a very smart fellow too. He also seemed a little more cavalier about his intellect than Hermione, who has a Boggart that tells her she’s failed all of her exams and literally turns back time to make all of her lessons count.
Meanwhile, Bill has O.W.L.s coming out of his ears and a Head Boy badge under his belt with seemingly no stress whatsoever. No big deal.
He has style to boot
Mrs Weasley may be in a constant battle with her eldest son regarding his aesthetic choices, but when Harry first claps eyes on Bill’s long ponytail, fanged earring and dragon-hide boots, he deems that his clothes ‘would not have looked out of place at a rock concert’.
Just imagine, for a moment, being Bill Weasley’s rock concert companion; you’d score so many cool points just by being near him. Imagine the inevitable crowdsurfing.
He mocks Percy’s cauldron bottoms
Only Percy Weasley could discuss the topic of cauldron bottoms with such regularity and still manage to keep a straight face.
Naturally Fred and George can be counted on to relentlessly mock Percy and his stiff-collared approach to his new Ministry job, but it is in fact the eldest Weasley brother we can thank for first mocking Percy’s cauldron bottom report – and he even manages to do so while having a mid-air table battle of epic proportions. Classic Bill.
He’s patient with Mrs Weasley’s fussing
We all know how annoying it is to be fussed over by your family, and Mrs Weasley’s niggling of Bill for his appearance must get irksome. That’s if you’re the sort to be irked though, which Bill clearly isn’t.
During one such conversation with his mother, when Molly protests that Bill’s earring isn’t appropriate for work, he puts paid to her argument with a simple, ‘Mum, no one at the bank gives a damn how I dress as long as I bring home plenty of treasure.’ Bill one, Molly nil.
He knows when it’s time to spring into action
Though he’s Mr Laidback the majority of the time, Bill still knows when it’s time to act. When the Death Eaters make an appearance at the Quidditch World Cup, Bill is immediately ready to aid in opposing them.
In the aftermath, although injured, his arm bleeding ‘profusely,’ Bill’s only concern is if the person who conjured the Dark Mark was caught. That’s our guy.
Even Rita Skeeter doesn’t get to him
Some of our toughest cookies have taken the cruel words of Rita Skeeter and her poisonous quill to heart. Hermione, who rarely takes notice of what idle gossips say about her, was reduced to tears by Rita’s slander; Hagrid, the man who befriends bloodthirsty beasts of all shapes and sizes, resorted to hiding out in his hut thanks to her unkind words.
But Bill? Please. He brushes aside being branded a ‘long-haired pillock’ with the greatest of ease.
His wife is amazing too
Almost every other guy in the series had fawned haplessly over the beautiful Beauxbatons student and Triwizard champion Fleur Delacour, but the second she sees Bill Weasley, it’s game over.
As Fleur is ‘eyeing Bill with great interest,’ is he all a dither? Of course not. By playing it far too cool for school, Bill gets the girl effortlessly. Well played, Weasley, well played.
He’s calm in the face of adversity
When Voldemort returns and everyone is, understandably, going to pieces just a tad, even Dumbledore doesn’t seem as brimming with joy as usual.
While Dumbledore enlists people with their duties, worried about the logistics of getting word to Arthur, Bill cuts the Headmaster short with a simple, ‘Leave it to me,’ followed swiftly by a clap of the hand on Harry’s shoulder, a kiss on his mother’s cheek, a swish of his cloak and an admirable striding exit. Now that’s how it’s done.
He took a brutal werewolf attack in his stride like an absolute champ
When Bill is mauled by Fenrir Greyback, he’s scarred for life. This would be enough trauma to drastically alter even the strongest of people.
However, while paying visits to the recovering Bill, Harry observes that ‘in personality he seemed just the same as ever. All that appeared to have changed was that he now had a great liking for very rare steaks.’ Fenrir who?
First and foremost, every day is cranberry pie day
While students do have robes, the clothes they wear underneath the robes are not uniforms. There is an eclectic mix of tastes, from the very serious horned serpent who wears button-downs and ties every day, to the wampus who has enchanted their graphic t-shirt to move, to the thunderbirds and pukwudgies who mutually exist solely for sweater weather.
Every year on James Steward’s birthday, there is a school-sponsored cranberry pie bake-off. Pukwudgie house nearly always wins. Once, thunderbird won and good lord you would think it was the civil war all over again
There are a lot of local professors, of course, so you get some really thick Boston accents, but there are also professors with southern belle accents who serve iced tea in class, professors with Canadian accents, professors with midwest accents, several Native American professors with smooth, lulling accents, and some Mexican professors who slip into Spanish when they get super excited about their subject. There was a visiting professor from Ireland once, and 96% of female students (and some male students) had major crushes on him.
Wampus house is where you go to get body-crushing, soul-lifting hugs
Horned serpents may be scholars, but they are also some of the keenest observers. They watch the whole school from afar and quietly play matchmaker to all of their friends. No one suspects them because - what, horned serpent? No. They don’t know about emotions. Meanwhile, the house president makes a killing on the bet she made to predict the homecoming king/queen.
Thanksgiving at Ilvermorny is a spectacle that has to be seen to be believed. It’s almost bigger than Christmas. The thanksgiving feasts at Ilvermorny put Hogwarts to shame. Turkey, ham, real cranberry sauce, pies - oh my god so many pies. They’ve got cider, and tea, and cocoa like you wouldn’t believe. There are New English dishes and Southern dishes and Native dishes and Mexican dishes and Canadian dishes and West Coast dishes - essentially it’s a gigantic continental potluck, and it goes on all day long. Also, their pumpkin juice tastes 1000 times better.
While things like dueling and fighting with wands may be frowned upon at Hogwarts, at Ilvermorny it’s kind of just assumed that stuff happens, and the profs are very chill about it. “Just don’t kill each other okay” “just take it outside” “no casting destruction spells indoors” “bring some band-aids with you” “if you break your nose don’t bleed on your homework”
Pukwudgies are a pretty agreeable house over all, if not a bit salty and surly around the edges, they’ll still help you with your homework and bring you soup when you’ve got a cold. But all bets are off when they step onto the lacrosse field. Maybe its a pride thing, but pukwudgies are frikkin animals when playing lacrosse.
Wampus beats pukwudgie at lacrosse fairly often. They don’t actually practice that much, they just kind of win.
This fact has fueled a sports rivalry - friendly in wampus’ eyes, bloodthirsty in pukwudgie’s eyes.
At wampus/pukwudgie games, horned serpents sell special blends of popcorn. Thunderbirds purchase, hoard, and eat 89% of this popcorn.
Horned serpents and pukwudgies often, though not always, end up having an unspoken rivalry in potions class.
Contrary to popular belief, wampus is not full of athletic jocks. However, they are the most body-positive of all of the schools, and, somewhat ironically to the stereotype, will never judge anyone for their athletic ability. They want everyone to be able to enjoy athleticism and bravery and adventure in the ways they are most able and gifted.
That being said, they do have the kind of student body who, if called upon, could become a minute militia.
When there is a freak hurricane or tornado headed headed for the school, it will be a wampus student who is patrolling the halls and telling students where to go for safety. If there is a bully in school, you had better bet your bottom dollar that s/he will be beaten to a pulp by the next day, and it will be a wampus student sporting mysteriously bloody knuckles.
Pukwudgies are the ones who patch up the bully; they might accidentally wind the bandages a little too tight.
Thunderbirds love a good game of hide-and-seek. They have a tradition of, every halloween, playing hide-and-seek in the dark in the woods.
Horned serpents are the students least often caught for sneaking in contraband into school. Caught being the key word. Most students learn at some point in their education that if you want a nice stiff drink, you go to horned serpent. During secret designated holidays, horned serpent common room turns into a speakeasy.
Unexpectedly, it is pukwudgies who carry the most weapons and dangerous materials on their person at any given time. If a group of Ilvermorny students were going through a security check, it would be the pukwudgies held at the line while they emptied their pockets (bigger on the inside, of course) of various poisons and weapons. When asked, they would just shrug and say “just in case”.
The town around Ilvermorny is home to several franchised chain restaurants that, although they are no-maj brands, have been taken over by Ilvermorny alumni and thus serve predominantly wizarding patrons. Cups levitate to customers in the Starbucks, there are magic-only options on the menu; the chik-fil-a floor sweeps itself; at dominos the pizzas assemble themselves while the one clerk waits, bored, at the register. There are in-house cues for magic patrons whenever a no-maj walks in. The clerk rings a bell or taps loudly on the counter, or yells out an order than is actually a code word for stop doing magic stuff. It’s like red light green light.
There are some old service tunnels beneath the school left over from WWII and the Cold War. They’re like a labyrinth, and Thunderbird has a monopoly on the maps to the tunnels. Some of the more obscure tunnels have large rooms that are perfect for parties and impromptu speakeasies (lookin at you, horned serpent). Thunderbirds will rent out these rooms to fellow students at a fair and competitive rate.
Unlike hogwarts, Ilvermorny students are more apt to use modern technology. Electrics can be weird around witches and wizards, but they still enjoy a lot of no-maj programming. They use computers instead of quills (but still have to print off their essays, ugh,) and listen to music, and watch TV.
Star Trek has long been a school cult favorite. Pukwudgies have adopted Bones as their pop culture mascot; Kirk is Thunderbird’s, Spock, horned serpent. Wampus vacillates on which of these three they like most, though it must be said, when they start watching Next Gen, many wampus students find themselves enamored with Worf,
There has only been one no-maj to ever make it past the magic shields of Ilvermorny unaided. This instance was in 1985. His name was Chad, who at the time was 1) stoned out of his mind and 2) delivering chinese takeout to a horned serpent pulling an all-nighter. School admin found out later, and there was hell to pay. They never did track down Chad to wipe his memory.
Pukwudgie house does have more than its fair share of healers, so they are definitely the ones to go to for cold remedies, home made soup, the best cures for menstrual cramps, and really good back rubs.
However, they are also the ones to go to for less medical remedies: the best hot cocoa, the most gourmet teas, and home made food.
Each house has a class president who is elected for a two-year term (unless they’re a final year student, in which case they will serve one before being taken over by their VP). They have some influence within their houses, but never as much as they’d like. For instance, the thunderbird president once attempted to institute mid-day dancing parties, but school admin said no.
Pukwudgies are usually not super athletic, but are often very good at things like darts, archery, and waterbaloon fights.
Wampus takes ultimate frisbee very, very seriously.
Thunderbird hosts an ongoing scavenger hunt throughout the semester.
The women of horned serpent blow off steam and the stuffy acadmic pressures of their house by making pillow forts and watching rom coms with each other.
Back in the eighties some wizard created a magic version of D&D, and it has become a weekend favorite of many students across all of the houses.
After graduation, instead of having a class ring, it has become tradition for Ilvermorny students to make a pendant out of their golden cloak buttons.
Ilvermorny may be separated by inter-house squabbles much like at Hogwarts, but at the end of the day, they all leave school wearing the same blue and cranberry robes, sporting the same skill with a wand, raised to the same scrappy, witty, mod-podge tenacity that American witches and wizards embody so well.
pukwudgie: herbs, secret medical knowledge, feeling someone’s heartbeat against yours, sunsets, working hard to achieve your goals, crystals, a single tear, trusting your intuition, caring too much, the sound of rain against the window, pressed flowers in notebooks, summer
wampus: darkness, sneaking out, box of matches, scars and scratches, knowing exactly what to say to win an argument, never giving up, intimidating others without wanting to, DocMartens, revolutions, smirks, acting without thinking about it first
thunderbird: polaroids, doing something just because you want to experience it once in your life, the sea, having lists of places you want to see, maps, little genuine smiles, daydreaming, self-discovery, random ideas popping into your head, field trips, sketches
horned serpent: piles of books, uniforms, notebooks, perfect score, losing yourself on Wikipedia for several hours, philosophical conversations, complex structures, analysing everything that happened, constantly learning something new
On 4th of July, despite the teachers’ many attempts to prevent it, there’s no stopping the fireworks. Students casting fireworks everywhere (and I do mean EVERYWHERE) as they zoom around on broomsticks, the more experienced students creating complex fireworks that look like creatures (dragons, phoenixes, etc.), and the houses competing to see who can make better fireworks (every year Thunderbird wins, because they have a reputation to uphold. How can they lose when their house mascot is a bird that literally creates thunder in the sky?).
Thunderbirds and Horned Serpents getting along really well. They both enjoy reading (Thunderbirds more for the imaginary adventure, Horned Serpents more for the mental stimulation), and with the Horned Serpent’s vast amount of knowledge they’re very handy to have around when the Thunderbird decides to go adventuring. Also, they love coming up with crazy theories intermingling the Horned Serpent’s known facts and the Thunderbird’s wild imagination.
Since Wampus represents the body, they are huge activists on transgender rights and body positivity. Being comfortable with your body is very important to them. On that note, not all Wampuses are athletic, but they don’t let their lack of athleticism prevent them from being total badasses. You can’t ever use their weight against them, because their determination and confidence will prove you wrong.
You think Thunderbirds and Wampuses have a rivalry? Ha, yeah right. The real rivalry is between Pukwudgie and Horned Serpent. Both houses are known for their excelling students, and thus they are often competing to see which is the smarter house. Science fairs are like battlefields, exam days are thick with tension, and lord help us if there’s any trivia games. They often have duels just to see who knows the most complex spells.
Instead of owls Ilvermorny uses hawks and eagles, but let’s be honest here, they’re hardly used. Why send a hawk when you can literally just write a Email or something? Students at Ilvermorny are not above No-Maj technology.
Pukwudgies will laugh in your face if you ever compare them to Hufflepuff. You do realize their house mascot is known for poisoning people with darts, right? And just because they represent heart doesn’t mean they’re nice and gentle. It just means they wear their hearts on their sleeves, and for some that means angry outbursts, mean tempers and heated arguments. And some believe tough love is a necessary part of healing.
Don’t ever be racist or sexist around a Wampus, you’ll end up with a bloody nose.
Cranberry pie is served EVERYDAY, much to everyone’s amusement.
Pukwudies get special treatment from the goblins themselves, though the goblins fiercely deny it.
If you think Hogwart’s feasts are amazing, try visiting Ilvermony during Thanksgiving. Pukwudgies have their hands full with easing stomach aches as students eat way more than they should.
Since Wampuses get hurt a lot they often turn to Pukwudgies for help, and thus there is often strong, loyal friendships between the two houses. Pukwugies often fuss over the Wampuses taking better care of themselves (because they act like their bodies are impenetrable) and the Wampuses will DESTROY anyone who messes with their nerds. They are like a support system for each other. More often than not you can not find one without the other.