howtobangyourmonster

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Too many things wrong with it to be a viable alternative. I guess if you’re primarily a visual artist, it might work out, but there’s rampant content theft, and it’s pretty much useless for erotica more than a couple paragraphs long, in my opinion. Even if it were a decent platform for story posting, PornHub doesn’t seem to be doing much to protect the sex workers it hosts and that alone makes it not worth it.

I did get a pillowfort key yesterday, so I’m going to try that one next.

Meet the Pornomancer

Lots of new faces following the blog lately, so I thought it was time for a (re)introduction!

Hi! I’m HowToBangYourMonster, MonsterBang, Bang, you can come up with your own nickname for me if you like. Smut writer and lover of good cheeses, pronouns are she/her, I work from home in the UK and my main console is a PS4.

Asks are open any time, come say hi!

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howtobangyourmonster  asked:

Hot orc neighbor, you check him out every time he mows the lawn(shirtless, obvs). One night you glance out the window and happen to look directly in HIS window, and he’s furiously masturbating. He catches you looking, winks, and continues. You give him a show too. Next day you invite him over for dinner.

DUDEEE YES!!! I’m one of those weirdos who wants to see what i’m working with before I commit to the wham bam thank you ma’am so this would be right up my ally.

anonymous asked:

d-do you think you could make a post with your favourite monster lover blogs on it? Pretty please?

Yes of course anon! I’ll do both sfw terato blogs and nsfw terato blogs. I’m sure there are other blogs I’m forgetting to add sorry. But just browse the teratophilia tag and you’ll find some great stuff. Feel free to add to this list anyone!

If anyone I tagged on here wants me to untag them, send me a message and I will.

SFW Blogs:

@mintstermonsters 

@werewolfbeans I think they have a nsfw blog, but I couldn’t find it in my follow list. Anyone know?

@teratophiles-on-a-mission 

@love-and-monsters 

NSFW Blogs:

@fuckmeghosts 

@teratofreak 

@howtobangyourmonster 

@thetrashprxncess

@spooks-monsters-and-magic 

@teratorequests 

@orc-lady-unabi for all your orc lovin needs

@ladyccr has some really great monster lovin fics

@momolady of course. They also have sfw work stories on their blog as well

@terato-imagines 

@monster–boyfriend

@teradoration

@lepis-the-snek 

@calslaundry has monster and overwatch stuff. Check them out, especially that monster!reaper fic it’s the best.

@littlescrib is patron saint of monster dick and they also post overwatch stuff

A Buzzfeed video where orcs are made to hold baby elves and viceversa.

Nick: I have never seen an elf baby, I feel like elves sprout from the earth, fully grown or something.

Kandomere: I’ve seen so many orc children, mostly because of ritual sacrifice groups and it’s kinda sad. But I have never seen babies.

+++

*Elf mother comes and puts elf baby in Nick’s lap, he looks like he’s about to cry*

N: Oh no! Look at his chubby face!

*Orc mother appears, gives Kandomere baby orc*

K: I… I have no idea how to do this, am I holding it right? Are you a boy or a girl? *Baby orc stares with big golden eyes* Hey you.

+++

*elf baby starts crying*

N: Oh no, he’s scared, I knew it.

K: You broke the baby! *Orc baby pulls on his hair* Ow ow, wait, no.

+++

*Elf baby has stopped crying but is now hitting Nick in the face*

K: At least you don’t have hair for him to pull.

N: No, wait *Takes baby’s hands and pretends to eat them, baby squeals and laughs* HEY I MADE IT!

K: You made it! Can someone help me, she has a strong grip and it kinda hurts?

+++

N: What’s his name?

Elf Mom: His name is Tiago.

K: Tiago, like tiago tortillas?

*Elf mom laughs, Nick is confused*

K: It’s a joke in spanish, don’t worry.

+++

Orc Mom: Her name is Luna

K: Oh Luna! That’s a good name, it means moon in Spanish.

N: I always thought elves ate babies

K: They are super hard to digest, so no.

+++

*Kandomere is making the baby move her lips by putting a finger to her chin and speaking in a deep voice*

K: Mommy, who is this? Why are we here? What is the meaning of life?

*Orc mom laughs*

K: Mother, why have you betrayed me?!

+++

N: I think you’re adorable, Tiago, and when you grow up I hope you watch this video.

*Baby babbles, Nick nods*

N: Yes, indeed, you have the most interesting conversation, good sir.

+++

N: *Sighs as he hands over baby back to his mother* I think I’d be a good parent.

K: I’d be terrible, I didn’t even know how to hold her, I never get too involved with children.

N: Well you learn, I think

K: I guess so.

+++

@howtobangyourmonster @kandomeresbitch @charzo-void

Uh… married?

Logan is surrounded by hopeless romantics. Pray for him.

Pairing: logicality, background prinxiety, kid!remile

Word count: 1577

Warnings: fluff so sweet its actually kind of nauseating.

Notes: inspired by this post. Selkie!au.


Keep reading

Next Door Neighbor Pt. 1

Ok, so this is the beginning of the story that @howtobangyourmonster suggested to @orc-lady-unabi We’re in for some slow burn here friends!


Returning to your house after a weekend getaway, you were surprised to see the house next door had finally been sold. It had stood empty for such a long time the yard was a disgrace. Weeds and long grass choked the fence and had displaced the flagstone path from driveway to front door.  The moving truck at the curb was being emptied by two orcs wearing moving company jumpers and one wearing a plain tee shirt.  Parking in your garage, you wondered if the orc in the tee shirt was the new owner.  He’d been big, carrying several boxes at once and not tripping over the jagged walkway.  When he’d lifted an ornate, stone coffee table you swore you could see his muscles working, his hands seemed to grip the table edges strongly but also with a care that was surprising.  You sniffed.  Shame you didn’t see a lawnmower.

Keep reading

howtobangyourmonster  asked:

Has your blog changed or grown in unexpected ways since you started it? 💕

It’s actually kind of funny because I agonized for over a week over whether to even start this blog or not, way back in… September, I think? I wanted somewhere I could share my monster love and reader-insert fics without being judged and once I finally bit the bullet and created this blog, I was thrilled at the positive reception I received. I never expected that 700 people would wind up following me, or that I would write as much as I have, or that I would meet so many sweet people through it (yourself included! <3) so I guess my answer is a big resounding yes, haha. It’s definitely grown in ways I never expected!