however the shit you spell it

Quick spell from my grandma that was passed onto her from her mum and however many generations…

Lost something?

Stick a pin in your sofa and it’ll return to you.

Why does this shit work? No clue, fam. But mum and grandma swear by it and I’ll be damned if it didn’t work for me today

You want fries with that?

So in our party we don’t have a healer so our Sorcerer specializes in spells that buff the party or crowd control the enemy. However, the way the spells work can sometimes mess with a plan, so we got to talking about what spells he has access to.

Fighter: So I’ve seen you cast Grease a lot. And you have orb of acid for damage.

Sorcerer: Yep and I also have Enlarge Person but I haven’t gotten a good chance to use it yet.

Monk OOC: wait, so this guy just goes around spewing grease and acid and making people bigger? You have all the powers of an average McDonald’s !

The party lost their shit while the Sorcerer didn’t look amused.

*A few months and a few levels up later*

Sorcerer OOC: Since those Drow are all standing together, I’m gonna cast Evard’s Black Tentacles!

Monk: Busting out the McDonalds secret menu, are we?

Party loses their shit and the Sorcerer spite-greases the monk.

Shelter - Remus Lupin x Reader (contains smut)

Request: would you ever do a PoA Professor Lupin and student y/n smut imagine?? If you can’t, then that’s okay! I absolutely love your work and if you’re not comfortable with writing it, then that’s absolutely fine ✨

Warnings:  This is a PROFESSOR Remus imagine that contains smut. It’s perfectly legal since the reader is 18. However, if you do not like the idea or feel comfortable with it, please don’t read this. Just scroll past it. (I have to tell you though, that there is nothing wrong with relationships with an age difference-personal experience.) .Other than that, my English and the smut part, which is not the most graphic smut I have written. (under the cut)
Image and gifs aren’t mine/ Credits to their original owners. 
Word count: 6k+

You knew you were in for a hell of a year since the moment you laid eyes on him. You didn’t know why or what but you knew… your last year would be a year to remember.
You had missed the Sorting Ceremony, again. So, you went to your dorm and settled things down while you waited for everyone to fall asleep. You would then sneak to the kitchens and grab something to eat. Naturally, you were in for a surprise, but of course, you had no idea.
After a while, it was late enough for you to go unnoticed. You had quickly found the pear and tickled it, transforming it into a door- knob. You smiled to yourself. You had found your way around the castle without that ridiculous map that the twins had stolen from Filch’s office. You knew every single secret passageway and every single corridor-you knew Hogwarts. You were friends with them, with all of the Weasleys. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that you had briefly dated Charlie. Even though you had realized that you were better off as friends after a while. You had bonded with the twins over Quidditch and pranks. You had tried to make them study-it had ended badly; your hair had gone pink, the color you hated the most, for a week.
You crept inside the kitchens, and almost immediately were greeted by the kind house elves.
“Hello, Miss! Welcome back!! What can Bloom get you, miss?” one of them asked you.
“What have I told you, guys? It’s just Y/N” you smiled warmly at them. They just shrugged it off and started preparing only Merlin knows what. At some point, you were worried about the amount of food they were piling up, so you just stopped them, reaching for the chocolate bar that was right before you.
“Um, guys… Chill. I think I’ll just grab some chocolate and-” but before you could finish off with your sentence you heard a low cough like someone wanted to make their presence known, coming from behind you back. Oh, no. You slowly turned around, ready to face the music-and probably Snape and detention- only to find a very, very, disturbingly young man, looking at you, rather amused.
He had a beautiful face no matter his scars, that under the dim candle light illuminating the room, seemed to be soft and strangely attractive. He must have been in his early thirties, you thought. Oh, shit. He has to be your new DADA professor. He was your teacher? Great.
“Hello” you said sheepishly and lowered your gaze, but not for long. You found yourself way too captivated by his kind eyes to look away. You saw him fighting a chuckle.
“It’s past curfew, miss…” he trailed off, not really reprimanding you. You smiled and all your confidence had rushed back in.  You were never the coward one.
“Y/L/N. Oh, I know” you said, raising an eyebrow in emphasis. You liked challenging people. Not too much but just enough. Which seemed to be the case here as well. He was slightly surprised at your answer. He thought that you would apologize and rush out of the kitchen. But there you were, sitting on the table, opening the wrapped chocolate bar, answering back completely nonchalant. He stayed silent for a couple of seconds while you hadn’t even dreamt of breaking the eye contact you held with him. His eyes.
“You do realize I could give you detention, Miss Y/L/N, right?” he asked you. You could tell that he intended to be strict but it didn’t exactly work. Instead, his tone sounded playful and a bit… provocative. You jumped off the table, walking over to him-it wasn’t your fault he was standing near the door.
“But you won’t” you said steadily while piercing his eyes with your intense gaze. He was taken aback by your boldness. You chuckled lightly.
“Goodnight… professor” you bid him goodbye, sending him a wink before you walked out.
Oh, boy. What just happened?

You knew it was going to be bad. The moment you walked into his class, you just knew it.
He had insisted on focusing on the practical experience of facing a boggart. You knew very well that you weren’t capable of facing your worst feat. It was simple, really. You didn’t fear something that could take shape. You feared your own mind. Your life was a lonesome experience and you could understand that very fact more than anyone. You carried the weight of humanity itself with you everywhere you went. You could say that you were trouble. You never really fitted in- your mind was so unending, you knew no limitations. Dumbledore had said that those were signs of geniuses. You thought that those were the signs of madness. Nobody quite understood what made you different, you didn’t even understand it yourself- but you felt it. You felt deep in your bones. You were the lone, last star of each ending night, that was still shining brightly as the sun began to rise.
You knew you were no good. Maybe, professors saw an excellent student; maybe, your friends saw an amazing prankster; maybe your ex had seen a great lover. But none of those things were true. Not entirely, at least. And that feeling, being numb, that was your worst fear. It paralyzed you.
That was why, when that boggart never took shape, you were instantly unable to move. Nobody really knew what was going on. Your classmates thought you feared nothing and the boggart couldn’t morph, but he knew the truth. Before he could help you, you had helped yourself. You weren’t looking for a knight-you were looking for a sword. You remembered every single moment that you felt like you had a family of your own. The twins making you burst into laughter in the middle of the Great Hall with their crazy pranks, Cedric making you feel welcomed and appreciated with his kind personality, Oliver counting on you to win the game. You were not alone, and you gave a silent promise to yourself to never feel numb. Even if the pain became too much to handle. Even if there wasn’t a single hope left. Even if the end was near. You would never shut yourself. Because, feeling, even the pain, was what made us humans. Because feeling and feeling too much was better than forgetting what it was like to have emotions. Feelings made something real. And you wouldn’t change that for the world.
You hadn’t turned your boggart into something funny. You had simply placed it back inside the trunk that it had been. You looked at him, searching for something you didn’t even know what it was. His soft, rich caramel eyes were already on you. He seemed… confused. You stepped back, letting the next person in line perform the spell. You slipped out of the class and you knew that he had noticed, but you simply couldn’t stay there. However, you knew that he knew, so you had to face him at some point. But you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. You couldn’t face those big, soft, caramel eyes. Oh, Merlin. I am melodramatic. 

For the next month, you had avoided his classes. You would come up with excuses, silly ones to stay away from him. You knew it wasn’t… shit, what were you supposed to do? Because the truth was… you had developed a crush on your professor. You couldn’t help it. He was kind and caring and sweet and gentle, he had helped Harry with his boggart… and you knew what he was hiding. You had guessed it the very first time you saw him. The secret behind his scars. Scars that to everybody else would seem… weird, or even ugly. But to you… to you, they were perfect. You wanted to trace your hands along his scars, you wanted to kiss every single one of them. And you had to contain yourself, or you would sigh in front of everyone.
“Hello?”. You snapped your head towards… Fred and George.
“What?” you asked as in a haze. You couldn’t possibly focus on anything else but him. You were having breakfast- well, coffee to be exact- and you could feel his eyes burning holes on your back. You knew it was him and you felt guilty. He hadn’t even mentioned that you were skipping classes to Dumbledore.
“Lupin told us to tell you to get your ass to his office after class” the said in unison. You raised an eyebrow in question.
“He told you to get my ass to his office?” you asked sarcastically, but you were too worried and stressed out to actually care.
“Well, not per say. But that was the meaning. What did you do?” Fred said at once. You, however, didn’t want to answer. Because you knew what had led him to call you to his office. Your mind though, oh… that dirty little mind of yours. You were imagining all kind of inappropriate things you would do to him if you ever had the chance. And then it hit you.
You would have to attend his class today in order to see him after. That little shit. Suddenly, you weren’t feeling all that guilty.
“Nothing that concerns you two” you answered calmly. They just smirked. Sometimes, you could swear, they were able to read your mind. You blushed and kept your head lowered.
The day had passed in a blur. You didn’t really pay attention to any of your classes until… his.
You were about to sit down as far away as possible when you realized that the were no desks or seats. Your eyes met his. For the first time in a month, you felt your heart squeezing in a strange way. His eyes were intense and a bit greener and a little less caramel that what you remembered. And captivating. Always so captivating.
Before you could continue your daydream, more students walked in and he removed his gaze from yours.
“Does anyone know what a Patronus is?” he asked the class after a while. His voice was soft and melodic, rich and kind. You had it bad.
“A Patronus is primarily used to repel Dementors. They can also be used for communication by accomplished witches and wizards, sir” a girl said, ogling him, causing you the urge to throw up.
“Very well. What else can you tell us?” he continued and you felt like you could melt. It was his voice, so it was his fault.
“The Patronus is Guardian which acts as a shield between you and the Dementor like a projection of the very things that the Dementor feeds upon such hope, happiness, the desire to survive. However, since the Patronus is an incantation the Dementors can’t hurt it. The Patronus has two forms, non-corporeal and corporeal. A non-corporeal Patronus can appear as ‘a thin wisp of silver’ that hovers ‘like mist.’ Whereas a corporeal Patronus has a form that is clearly defined and is more than vapor or smoke. The ability to cast a corporeal or non-corporeal Patronus is down to the skill of the witch or wizard. Each Patronus is unique to the witch or wizard who conjures it, and it’s possible, in some cases, for a Patronus to change” you said looking him directly in the eyes. You simply had to answer, otherwise that… girl would receive his attention. Oh, no. No. No. You couldn’t be… were you jealous? Great. Amazing. You had a crush on your professor and you were jealous of everyone who caught his eye. Very… nice.
He was clearly taken aback; he didn’t believe you would participate since you had been avoiding his classes for a month now.
“Precisely miss Y/L/N” he praised you and you blushed. Where was your confidence? He went on about the charm, how to pronounce it and details about the way to cast it, but you already knew that. You may haven’t been able to produce a corporeal Patronus yet but you had been practicing since a very young age.
“Miss Y/L/N. Why don’t you demonstrate for us?” he simply asked you in a way you could have never said no. He gestured the front of the class. Another amazing moment of your amazing day.
You walked over there confidently, suddenly feeling like yourself again.
You focused on your memories. Not one, as he had said, but many happy ones. Your first time on a broom, your first Quidditch game, your Hogwarts letter, your friends and the pranks you had pulled, the people you cared about. Before you could control it, his face appeared only to disappear seconds later. You didn’t have to say the incantation out loud. With a flicker of your wand, a silvery form emerged. Was that a… Thestral?
The creature walked towards you and bow down its head for you to pet it. You placed your-shaking- hand on its fragile head. It was so surreal. You knew you were one of few people who could see those magnificent animals. They are only visible to people who have seen someone dying and fully accepted, understood and internalized the concept. The animal slowly raised its head and its eyes met his, lowering lightly its head in an indication of respect and then it disappeared. You didn’t move for a few seconds after that. You could hear that the other students were performing the spell as well. Some of them, summoning a corporeal Patronus, some of them not. You were a bit lost for a while after that, so, naturally, you jumped slightly when you felt a hand on your shoulder, shaking you gently. You focused your vision on his face, but you were too confused to remember your little crush.
“Are you alright?” he asked you politely but concerned. You hadn’t realized that no one else was in the classroom. You nodded, forcing a smile, but it was too weak to last more than a couple seconds.
With his hand on your back, he prompted you to his desk and made you sit down.
“Why a Thestral?” you questioned, not really asking him; you asked yourself. He eyed you cautiously.
“A Patronus is a representation of who you are and is manifested by a creature that represents you in some way. I have to ask you… have you witnessed a death?” he quietly asked you. They all did, eventually.
“Three. My parents and my brother were killed-no, murdered by Voldemort himself. Such an honor” you answered softly, trying to prevent the memories from drowning you, therefore the use of sarcasm. He seemed to grow quieter. You didn’t want pity.
“I think it is safe to say that those with this Patronus often have the gentlest souls of all, an exceptional wizard or witch who has emerged strong from a dark past” he said in a small voice, making eye contact with you, or trying to, since you wouldn’t look anywhere near him.
“I do have to ask you one more thing. Why did you avoid my class the previous month?” he continued once he realized that you weren’t going to look at him. What could you possibly tell him?
“First the boggart, now my Patronus. What is it with your class that makes my life so difficult?” you playfully asked. It was your coping mechanism. You dared to look at him, a small smile playing on his lips-oh, his lips… and that small scar on his upper lip… 

It was your birthday, it was Saturday and it was freezing. You had the day to yourself since your friends had visited Hogsmeade. You had decided to stay and stroll around the almost empty castle. It was snowing and everything was covered in white. It was serene. You had purposely missed the breakfast so you could sneak something from the kitchens- some chocolate and tea would be nice. This time you greeted the house elves but since they didn’t have something to do, you wouldn’t keep them there, forcing them to make you something. You were a big girl. You could do it yourself.  

You were boiling the water needed for the tea when a small cough made you jump and spill it on you. Many profanities left your mouth that moment.
“I’m sorry, Y/N. Oh, Merlin, you must have burnt yourself” a guilty voice said, making you snap your head towards it. You were face to face with him. He seemed tired, exhausted really. And then you remembered… the full moon was two days ago. His eyes were more caramel that green, this time. You quickly muttered a drying spell along with a healing one and smiled comfortingly.
“No need to. I’m perfectly alright” you said extremely nonchalant. You returned to the counter and started preparing tea again.
“What brings you here, Professor?” you inquired amused. He let out a heavy breath and came next to you, placing his back against the edge of the wooden counter. Well, it wasn’t his back, but his hips… but that, you chose to ignore.
You had talked and chatted few times after class, before class, in between classes. For nothing and everything. Sometimes he would do the talking, sometimes he would listen. Sometimes he would let something small of his past slip. You could tell that he didn’t mean to, but he didn’t really regret it either. Sometimes your conversations would be about the weather; sometimes about the very meaning of existence. A week ago, he had found himself wanting to tell you about his secret. You had seen it in his eyes. That was the thing about you. People were opening up to you, easily. It had something to do with the fact that you never judged anyone, that you accepted almost everything, that you wouldn’t be afraid to fight and stand up for your loved ones. He had discovered that you may were just eighteen, but you weren’t just eighteen. And even though you didn’t know this, he had found himself waiting with anticipation your next talk.
He hadn’t answered when you handed him a cup of tea. It was your favorite and quite coincidentally his as well. He smiled at you, but he was tired and you felt bad for him. You reached for the top self-even though you weren’t that tall, you managed to get it. Two of the most amazing chocolate bars ever created. You smiled brightly, handing him one. He looked puzzled but entertained.
“When someone gives you chocolate, you don’t ask questions. You just take it” you said in a playfully serious tone, taking a sip of your tea. It was hot and exactly what you needed.
“Thank you, Y/N” he told you, rather moved by your small action. You just shrugged it off.
“So what brings you here?” he asked you, moments later, a smirk plastered on his face, lighting up the whole country.
“Hey!” you retorted. It wasn’t fair, using your question. He raised his eyebrows in amusement. You rolled your eyes, dramatically.
“Fine. I wanted to have my special day spent with chocolate” you informed him, but he furrowed his eyebrows. You sighed heavily to add to the drama.
“It’s my birthday” you said with a fake exasperation. His eyes twinkled with something that if you didn’t know any better you would identify as…hope? Mixed with something else. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but it was there. He placed down his cup and chocolate onto the table next to him.
“Happy Birthday!” he wished you, excitedly. Before you could answer, he had enveloped you into a hug. You were thrown off. Like, completely off. After a few seconds, though, you shyly hugged him back, whispering a ‘thank you’ before breaking apart. He seemed shocked and happy and more shocked. Like he didn’t expect himself to be that bold. Or you to return the gesture. He had even blushed-something that made you realize that your crush was long gone and it had been replaced by something deeper. A connection you couldn’t understand in all its glory because you had never felt like that before.
“Thank you, Professor” you said again but it didn’t feel right, calling him professor.
“Call me Remus outside the class” he said so naturally that, again, he was taken aback by his own words and boldness. You chuckled lightly.
“Remus” you said tentatively. He instantly smiled and your whole world seemed brighter.

You were proud of yourself. You hadn’t missed a single class and your grades were better than ever. You enjoyed school this year, but for entirely different reasons. It was something about him that made you feel… good, after a long time. You were very well aware of everything that would appear to be ‘problematic’. But you were also aware of your feelings. You felt l so naked when you were with him. He could strip you of your walls, of your guarded defenses, leaving you completely and utterly vulnerable. He had shattered any mental boundaries you had ever possessed. He left you breathless with his aura and creative, rhythmic way of speaking to everyone. You were losing your mind and falling into madness and it felt okay, almost a necessity. He showed you how to embrace the lack of time that humans all have, that death was the inevitable and that was not as important as people around you made it seem. You were out of your mind and that was such a wonderful thing.
Your conversations were longer and more meaningful; you had found yourself in the Astronomy Tower the other night, talking to him about your love for the night sky and how you preferred the stars over the moon. Especially the full moon-you had seen him tensed up a bit and you had ‘accidentally’ let a hint slip through your lips. You had gone silent after that until you decided to tell him. You asked him when he would trust you enough, if ever. He had looked bewildered and slightly worried. You had smiled his anxiousness away, letting him know that you knew, and it was perfectly alright because it was still him, even if he didn’t think that. That you couldn’t care less. You didn’t know this, but in that moment, he had to admit to himself something that he kept pushing away all this time. He was captivated by your very essence. And it didn’t matter that you were a student-he never saw you as anything less than an equal; sometimes he saw someone greater in you- greater than anyone who had met before. Someone who held the wisdom of the world inside their soul. You had told him that you had always felt older than your age and that even Dumbledore had said that sometimes you were older than him. He had laughed and that sound was honey to your ears.
Ever since that night, you were closer to each other, stealing glances and sending small smiles even across the class. You could sense that he was low-key, proud of you when you declined every single boy that had come up and asked you out on a date. You didn’t want to get your hopes up, but you felt it.
Due to your past of falsehoods, you had developed this theory that all men are no good, worthless. He had shown you that men could be loyal, passionate, tender, and caring creatures. The boys you have dealt with were the complete opposite. He had made you see that there was a huge difference between the boys you had dated and the man you craved. You had finally met someone who meant more than a lot to you. And not just the ‘he makes me feel special’ but that person that you would fight harder for than you would for yourself. That person that made you want to be better, that showed you your true essence that you didn’t know existed until they came along. You had discovered things about yourself just from being with him. It started as a crush; after a while, you found yourself in love; and now… you could feel something more. Something selfless. It was the little things he would do that made you smile and cry at the same time. You knew that he felt it too-maybe not in the romantic way you did, but still. There was a connection that no one could deny.
It was a cold February night but your heart was warmer than ever. In fact, it was so warm you couldn’t handle it. You couldn’t really take it anymore. You had found your way to his chambers. You didn’t really know how you were to say this. You couldn’t exactly walk in and go all ‘Hello, I’m in love with you. Okay, bye’. But once he opened the door, even that felt like a good idea. He was ravishing in the dim light. He smiled and it seemed that the sun had lost its glory. His eyes captured yours and you felt like you could melt under his gaze. You loved him. Merlin, you did. How could you be so stupid, thinking that it was just a crush? When you didn’t respond, he furrowed his eyebrows, asking you if you were alright, stepping aside so you could walk in.
The moment that door closed, every single restraint you had… was gone. Every single defensive mechanism… gone.
“I need to tell you something. I am in love with you. I have been for a while now. And I know that I am not supposed to feel that way. But I do and I can’t shake you off of my mind. You’re constantly there, reminding of everything I want and cannot have. Your mind is a masterpiece and your soul is ethereal. Extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world. Effortlessly, you shine brighter than the sun itself and when you smile, every pair of knees weaken, bowing down to the ingenious design you are. You are the kind of art that captures the blinding light that keeps me from opening my eyes, but how I foolishly don’t mind and long to go blind by such greatness. Your imperfections are my delight” you finally told him. You had let go of everything that was holding you back. You knew what he would tell you and you knew that he would try to make it hurt as less as possible, but he would start avoiding you. And even the thought hurt but you couldn’t cope with it any longer. When you finally looked at him, he was pale and visibly shaken.
“I think you should go” he said in a small voice. He didn’t sound mad or angry or strict. You nodded. You had clearly overstepped your boundaries. You reached for the knob, but before you opened the door, you whispered a question that would torture his mind for a while.
“Is it because of the ‘difficulties’ or because you don’t like me like that? I don’t need an answer. But you do”. With that, and a stolen glance you left his room, closing the door behind you.
You let out a long breath. At least, you were honest with him and most importantly, with yourself. He was your teacher after all and almost twice your age. You could see the ‘problems’ as other people would call them. You weren’t stupid. You were, however, completely, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. But that didn’t mean that he was. 

You were merely right. You hadn’t talked or chatted or looked each other ever since that night.  He wasn’t avoiding you per say, but he wasn’t thrilled spending time with you, either. And that’s why you never pressured things. You had done your part. And he had done his. It hurt because you were pretending you didn’t feel that way anymore, but in all honesty, you were falling even harder every time you saw him, thought about him… him. You had felt the urge to bang your head against a wall or something in order to stop thinking scenarios that would never be true.
Months had gone by. April was almost gone. You felt that you needed a change. That was the main reason that you agreed on a ‘friendly’ date. He was good looking, smart and funny. He was a really nice boy. But that was all he was. A boy. Nonetheless, you had decided to dress up a bit. It was spring and the sun was spreading its warmth all over the place, so after a lot of thinking you found yourself in a beautiful yet casual lilac dress, with your hair in loose curls and a touch of makeup. You looked good, you thought a tad surprised. You were about to turn when you bumped into someone. You would have apologized quicker if it wasn’t for your lack of focus.
“I-I’m sorry, professor” you whispered. You saw him grimacing at your last word but then his expression turned into one of admiration. You knew you had blushed, feeling his eyes roaming your body like a second skin. You locked eyes with him. You could see the desire in them. Act on it, you stubborn git, you thought to yourself. He opened and closed his mouth too many times. You just shook your head and left. Or tried to. His hand was wrapped around your wrist, gently, almost scared by the very action. You halted and faced him. You were done playing games. You have had enough. And he did too, apparently.
“I’ve tried distancing myself, making up excuses, intentionally finding reasons to avoid you but none of it ever worked” he admitted shyly but… finally. Your eyes widened a bit, your breath was caught on the back of your throat. Did he really just say that?
“Never have I felt something more compelling than this bond we share. But I’m your teacher and twice your age and that’s not even the worst part. I can’t escape these feelings but I don’t know what to do, Y/N” he continued. He seemed almost vulnerable. Feeling like you would explode, you slowly brought your hands to his face, cupping his cheek, electrified by the touch. He pierced your eyes with his and boy, you were a goner. Not being able to handle it any longer, you crashed your lips to his. It didn’t set off fireworks, it set off an atomic bomb. His lips were soft and warm yet hungry. He kissed you deeply and pulled you closer, his hands wrapped around your waist, holding you in place. You kissed him back with the equal amount of lust and hunger and emotion. You softly bit his lower lip, tracing your tongue across it. But he pulled away, leaving you… empty.
“We shouldn’t. This is wrong” he murmured trying to convince himself more than anything else. You grabbed his hand and without letting him complain, dragged him-quite literally- to his room. Thankfully it was just around the corner. 

Keep reading

white people so dumb can’t pronounce names like “juan” or “abdul” but stupid ass motherfuckers making us pronounce shit like “tchaikovsky” or however you spell it


Alright, kids. It’s that time of the year again (?

So I just reached 2k followers, and it happened astronomically faster than I expected. So instead of doing a giveaway for that, I’m gonna do it for the 3k milestone :D


As in the previous occasion the prizes are:

  1. A Glade Born Tree tarot spread (19 cards, no questions, this is a spread where the Tarot conveys whatever it feels it needs to say)
  2. A Daemon reveal session (I prefer using the term daemon over totem or spirit animal since it’s not directly associated to any specific minority or culture). This will have to be done via private chat, Skype, or a similar medium and can take a long while, even several days and different conversations.
  3. Up to five questions (to be discussed with me beforehand so we can formulate them the best way possible) to be answered by an Oracle deck of my choice (I’ll pick the best depending on the questions you want to ask). Each question will be answered with a spread of one up to five cards.
  4. Five sigils created specifically for you. I can help you word the request but it’s not necessary, you can simply give me the final consonants and I’ll draw them for you, no questions asked. I will later on publish the sigils if I feel they should be shared because others could benefit from them, but I won’t disclose those with private meanings nor your association with them if you don’t wish me to. Also you don’t have to ask for all five sigils at the same time, although I don’t recommend you wait years in case, I don’t know, I die?
  5. One spell or hex designed specifically for you according to the ingredients you have access to (I refuse to create spells that will harm someone undeserving of being harmed, mess with somebody’s free will, threaten somebody’s sexual consenting abilities, or disproportionate if they’re meant for punishing).
  6. Help and tips in building your altar and/or witchy supply storage (especially recommended if you’re a closet witch). We can skype and I’ll give you ideas of where you can hide stuff. I’m incredibly shady so I know where you tuck things so nobody will notice. This is more of a practical prize, but shit, I’ve been seeing a lot of witchlings who could use a hand!


7. A flash course on alternative spirit work. Specifically how to tame, bind, banish, and exorcise spirits. This will come along with a small handbook for you to have as a resource for future reference.

8. A tarot reading by Yeyé. I really have no idea of how many cards, she usually needs about three, but it varies. This one will take a while because you would have to give me your questions and when I saw her I would let her know so she can do the spread for you. She requires a few things, so don’t choose this prize if you’re not comfortable with sharing: age, name (just first name), date of birth, place of birth, and time of birth.

All of these prizes can be adapted to your needs.


1) NO TAGGING THIS AS GIVEAWAY, you’ll ruin it for everyone, don’t be that guy.


3) Each reblog counts as an entry. Likes can be used to bookmark. Maximum three reblogs per day. YOU MUST BE FOLLOWING ME.

As before:

As soon as I reach 3k followers, I’ll be picking the winner randomly using the page RANDOM.ORG. I’ll record it and search for the winner during the video to show the contest’s transparency.

I’ll get in contact with the winner via PM or ask. If these options are disabled, I’ll try to do it via tag. In any case, the winner will have FIVE DAYS (120 hours since the moment I announce it) to reach me back, else I’ll pick a different one.

Have this photo of my Yeyé with a big ass leaf, just because she’s cute.

This giveaway is in no way associated with Tumblr.

anonymous asked:

How would one engage in sex magick?

First of all, you don’t need a partner. Sex magic can be done solo. You can do it with other people, of course - this part was super badly phrased, I’m sorry, what I meant was I recommend you discuss with your partner(s) beforehand if you plan to engage in sex magic, so they can be consenting and aware, and okay with engaging in that sort of thing with you. You can still generate similar energy alone, however.

Sex magic is about channeling the energy generated during sex / orgasm / climax toward an intent. It’s like any other method of raising energy, just super intimate, and seen as a bit of a taboo tbh. 

Seeing as I still haven’t personally practiced, just read a lot about it, I’m not sure if the orgasm is critical to sex magic or not. Everything seems to lean that way - keep your mind on your intent as well as you can, but obviously don’t like force it, just be aware why you’re doing what you’re doing; then at the moment before you’re about to go off, focus as hard as you can on what you want to happen, then when the orgasm happens, it’s supposed to, what are not childish words for this, release your intent-mingled energy out into the world so it can happen.

So, yeah, how would one engage in sex magic?

Step one: decide you want to do sex magic. 

Obviously it isn’t required to practice magic or be a witch or magic user, it’s just one of many methods. Like, if you don’t wanna do it, that’s cool. But there also isn’t anything “baneful” or “evil” about sex magic. It’s not “bad,” just different.

You can do it alone, so it’s okay if you’re single. If you want to do this with someone, it would be really cool if you brought it up and asked if they’d be okay participating too. Because, you’re still engaging in a spell / ritual deal. It would be like making sure people are okay with doing certain things in bed too, right?

Step two: learn some safety stuff.

And yes, this seriously matters. You don’t want to hurt yourself, or any partner(s), during this. It’s supposed to be comfortable and pleasurable.

[Safety Precautions with Penetrative Sex Magic]

Step three: pick your intent and method.

What do you want to have happen? What’s your end goal for the spell? It works the same way as doing a spell for any other purpose. Decide what you want to do.

And how are you gonna get there? Will it be alone? With a partner? With toys or without? Is there a certain way you like to, err, play, or do you want to experiment with other things?

@niaskotl has a cool practice called [“sigil swallowing”] that’s pretty cool.

Step four: do sex magic.

I’m not gonna get into grisly details. However, I will say: don’t rush it, just enjoy the sensation. Build up as much energy as you can toward your intent by taking your time.

Holy shit, what would edging do in regards to sex magic? Lol.

Sorry. *ahem* Anyway.

Again, you don’t need to hardcore focus on what you want to have happen the entire time - just remember why you’re doing what you’re doing. Then, when you feel “close,” bring the intention forward, focus on it then, and then when you release, let your thoughts go with it.

OH. I almost forgot. The fluids themselves are super potent as well. So even if you can’t necessarily climax, but, you know… It can be put onto sigils to charge stuff. Yep.

And there you go. I hope that helps you. Yeah, fun stuff.

Have some links:

* = external link / resource

Did Not Hurt

I’m a new DM with a party of people who, largely, are also fairly new to DnD. My party was trying to get hired by this airship pirate captain. The wizard deep gnome, who had never played before and had missed the first session, was trying to prove he could be useful on board an airship.

Wizard: I can…do magic…

NPC Captain: Oh yes? Show me.

Wizard: [OOC] Uh…what spells do I have that will look impressive? If I cast Blade Ward, and someone throws something at me it won’t hit me, right? 

Me: *doesn’t respond, paging through PHB trying to find the spell for reference*

Wizard: Yeah okay, I cast Blade Ward.

Me: So…you draw this complicated sort of design in the air with your finger to cast it. There’s no visible effect yet, it just looks like you’re waving your hands around. The captain raises an eyebrow, unimpressed.

Wizard: I say “Now, I need someone to throw something at me.”

Sorcerer: I IMMEDIATELY jump up and throw my ENTIRE plate full of muffins and a butter knife at him.

Me: *having by now found the spell in the PHB* Okay. So. The spell doesn’t actually stop anything from HITTING you. The plate, the burnt muffins, and the butter knife all crash into you, bouncing off and rolling all over the floor. However, due to the spell, you take no damage.

Wizard: I point to the butter knife that bounced off my head and say, “See? Did not hurt.”

NPC Captain: …Do you have any OTHER…skills?

@cryptid-enjolras mentioned something about a superhero!BMC au and so we came up with this

Jeremy – can control electronics (turn on car radio, turn off lights, et cetera)

Michael – can travel through electronics (likes to scare people by popping up on their screens)

Rich – fire (we’re both really proud at coming up with this)

Chloe – shape shift into different animals

Brooke – super speed

Christine – can change her voice to match anyone else’s

Jake – telekenisis (however you spell it)

Jenna – mind reading (how she knows everyone’s shit)

“I stumbled upon this ring one morning as I walked through the forest close to my home. Nestled beneath the roots of a wide sprawling oak the faintest glimmer hinted at its beauty. A green resin, like a bright and clear jade was melted over the smooth wood. ‘The Fair Folk of the forest this must belong to’ I thought to myself hesitantly. Once I placed it upon my finger however, I knew there was no returning it”

Ring of the Embergreen
Ring, Rare (requires attunement)
This magical ring hums with the life of a once tempestuous forest. With it, your flame spells become much more powerful. All spells that deal fire damage produce one additional damage die and their Spell Save DC increases by 1.
When using this ring your flames take on an emerald green color, the copper sulfate of its homeland resides with it wherever it goes.

Benign Blood Magick

Disclaimer: Artwork belongs to their respective owners.

Trigger warnings: blood (duh), needles and cutting, mentions of suicide (anti-suicide message) and violence, cancer, blood diseases, etc.

Blood Magick is evil, right? It’s one of THE grand taboos for witches that don’t consider themselves Bad Witches ©

You’re wrong.

In fact, you’re not only wrong, but you are missing out on some of THE most benign and altruist spells you could perform that will up your karmic balance several notches (see number 3 below). I don’t really believe in karma but point stands because it’s always good to help a stranger.

I hardly think there are many ways to be a gooder (? witch than through blood magick.

Plus look at that, being a blood mage is freaking badass

Let’s quickly clarify a few things before we start:

  • Blood magick consists, basically, of any sort of esoteric practice that involves your own blood or someone else’s.
  • If you come to shame blood mages here I WILL curse you with constipation or diarrhea and you won’t know which until it happens.
  • I don’t condone nor encourage cutting. If you’re depressed, suicidal, or addicted to self harm, please find professional help. I’ve been there. Trust me, you can get better.
  • You can’t use your blood to represent another. It WON’T work no matter how much you try it. The only exception is your blood related direct family and here it’s quite the poor substitute. Although, spoiler alert, there’s a little exception to this rule. Your blood is, however, the most powerful representation of yourself you could use in any spell.
  • Blood cursing can fuck you up. Thread carefully and don’t mess with that shit if you’re a noob.
  • Blood willingly given is very different from blood forcefully taken. Don’t EVER try to involve robbed blood in spells that go against the owner’s free will. It WILL screw you over in ways you can’t even fathom. Blood has ways to defend itself.
  • Same way, dead blood doesn’t behave the same as living blood. Thus why animal blood obtained from your local butcher tends to be less potent, although still effective.
  • If you kill an animal to take its blood and don’t thank its spirit and/or make the best out of the rest, I will curse you with something far more serious than diarrhea, trust me.
  • Never, NEVER, NEVER! try to take blood from anywhere but your lip or the tips of your fingers unless you’re trained to draw blood. You can (AND VERY PROBABLY WILL) bleed out if you screw up. I’m not even kidding, people, I have first aid training. The smallest cut in the wrong place or under the wrong circumstances can cost you your life. 

If you’re thinking of committing ritual suicide by slicing your wrists or otherwise bleeding out, please don’t. Really, please don’t. Your life and blood could be put to much better uses. Once more: seek professional help.

  • If you’re gonna be drawing blood, I highly recommend you don’t take aspirins or any other vasodilatings close to the time of your extraction or ritual. Also avoid doing blood rituals while menstruating or anemic. If you carry any blood diseases, make sure to dispose responsibly of the elements used in the spell or sterilize them thoroughly. Get checked up regularly.
  • Other witches will tell you blood can be used as any other ingredient/correspondence in a ritual, just like adding rosemary or cloves! Personally I don’t agree. The same way you carefully pick the right herbs, either at the store or growing them, you should be aware of the limitations of your blood. If you’ve been going through a passing ailment, your blood will be less powerful than it can actually be (like withering herbs instead of fresh ones or broken crystals instead of whole ones). This is a very open criteria, to make your blood more potent you can exercise, eat healthy, have sex, get an endorphins rush etc. Just remember you will be literally spilling your blood for this, better make it as strong as possible!

Now let’s begin

Blood magick is very versatile, as much as crystal magick or herbal magick, so it all depends on your intent and how you handle this powerful raw energy. I’m only going to cover BENIGN blood magick in a couple of ways I’ve seen haven’t been addressed much or at all by other witches, since there are tons of resources for blood mages, so we can skip most of the typical uses and focus on less heard stuff.

1) Blood magick without extracting blood

Yep. No, I’m not crazy. Well, actually I might be but this doesn’t invalidate my point.

You can perform blood magick without taking a single drop of blood from anyone’s body. And this is very good for benign blood mages.

There are basically three ways of doing this:

- Waiting for the blood to come out naturally (through a fateful cut that just happens, menstruation, etc.)

-Working with your own body heat. Holding crystals and warming them up is as good as bathing them in your blood, after all, that’s what’s making them warm!

- Working with the blood inside the body. This is SPECIALLY good for spells cast over ourselves or healing magick. Hand impositions, crystal healing, chakra alignment, whatever. ALWAYS take into consideration the blood flow and use it to transport energy across the body. It’s an inner river, make the best of it and never swim against it’s current or you could harm the person.

2) Blood magick and meditation

Sit in silence. Close your eyes. Breathe steadily and slowly.

Feel that?

Your body swaying back and forth almost imperceptibly?

That’s your beating heart. Your heart LITERALLY moves your body when you’re sitting still.

Focus on that, that’s YOUR rhythm, that’s your soul’s tempo.

Related to point 1. Your heartbeat can be one of the most powerful tools to aid meditation. USE IT.


Now this is the reason I’m writing this post.

I’ve never in my life performed a spell for myself. All of my magical practices have been targeted to someone else. So I’ve got some experience in altruistic magick.

And guys…


I personally donate blood at least twice a year since I’m 0+ so my blood can benefit anyone no matter their blood type. It’s a little ritual my mom and I have. We’re also organ and tissue donation advocates and are registered as bone marrow donors in our local children’s hospital.

If you’re not sure about blood donation because the syringes freak you out, try platelet donation!

Platelets are mostly destined towards cancer patients on chemo. The needles are a LOT smaller than in regular blood donation, and the process can a while.

You know what you can do in the meanwhile if you’re not interested in the awesome movies they play?


Meditate and let all your energy flow through you. Perform a strength and purification ritual before the donation, let it get to others through your gift of blood.

HEAL through it. If you’re a witch healer, PLEASE use your blood in this manner. Lives could depend on it, and it could be you, IT COULD AND WILL BE YOU, that makes the difference.

I always try to donate as often as possible, and platelets donation has become my preferred method because unlike regular blood donation that shouldn’t take place more than once or twice a year, PLATELETS CAN BE DONATED EVERY FOURTEEN DAYS AND CAN BE THE EQUIVALENT TO EIGHTEEN REGULAR BLOOD DONATIONS.

As I said, I’ve never performed witchcraft for myself, but don’t think I’m calling myself some martyr witch. I just don’t NEED to.

When I started donating blood and platelets for my local children’s hospital’s leukemia center, I was suddenly blessed with the BIGGEST streak of good luck you could possibly imagine and it has repeated without miss since I started when I turned 18. From finding $700 innocently lying on the floor to making new friends that would later end up changing and indirectly saving my life, I was just on a roll and it repeats without a miss after donating blood. It lasts for about a week after donating.

And I think this comes from the relief and gratitude of the people you’re helping.

I’m a big fan of charities for a similar reason. Your life WILL be blessed if you bless someone else’s.

So, bless others through your blood, which is the closest physical manifestation there is of your raw soul.

How to do this?

As I said before, strength and purification rituals before the donation are really helpful. Pro tip: carry the strength card in your wallet or pocket while you’re getting your blood extracted.

The night before as you begin your fast, draw sigils on your skin using lotion, water or other things. I DON’T RECOMMEND USING INK. Some inks -even non toxic- can be absorbed by the skin and transferred through blood to the other person and it is still debated if it could cause complications. (This is not the reason people with tattoos that are less than a year old can’t donate, this is to prevent crossed contamination).

I personally use this sigil:

“Good health and happiness”

You can also bless the water you drink (and, seriously, drink as much of the stuff as you can, it’ll make it easier for the nurse to find your veins) or use (DRINKABLE!) moon or sun water. ESPECIALLY sun water. People that require blood transfusions sometimes have spent a long time away from sunshine.

Originally posted by anessenceofautumn

Charge yourself with non-toxic crystals (always, guys, not just for this).

If you believe in spirits or deities, ask them to enter your body and let you borrow their strength to pass onto another (depending on what deities you believe in, don’t be an ass and pass your evil little fuckers along to other people, I told you I’ll curse you with constipation).

Before the donation, exercise, eat something yummy (out of fast time), watch a comedy movie, take a nice nap, enjoy your hobbies, laugh a lot, kiss somebody, joke a lot, have (PROTECTED!) sex. Pass those endorphins along, bring joy and happiness to the recipient of the blood. There’s debate on how long the endorpins last, so doing this within 4-5 hours before donating is recommended.

Originally posted by vkorone

I always try to donate to someone I can follow up with (in case they need more platelets in the future). Keep them in your thoughts, cast healing spells in their name (you don’t need something from them to represent them now because your own blood is in their body! YOUR BLOOD IS THEIR BLOOD NOW! You can use it!).

Every time I donate, I feel myself grow stronger. The process is a bit depleting and requires rest afterwards, but guys

Your soul becomes mingled with other people’s

It spreads out and becomes larger, wider, the reach grows and grows

You wouldn’t believe the powerful magick behind blood rituals such as this. It’s wildly agreed that blood magick is the strongest kind regardless of the witch, but guys, this?

It’s something else altogether.

-Semiramis, the Magpie Witchling


Alright, so a recent homebrew game had us in the time period of the Salem Witch trials and all three of my players managed to get the entire town to think that they were witches. Fittingly enough, only one of my players is actually a witch, my most experienced player was a werewolf, and our newest player was a thief. All three were gonna be burned the stake as night time fell, and here’s basically what happened with the WW.

DM(Me): The town’s people have surrounded you as you’re tied down. Many are shouting obscenities and several have found rotten fruit to throw at you. As the priest starts his bullshit speech about cleansing your souls you see the moon start to rise.

WW(OOC): Is it a full moon?

DM: Yes.

WW: Seeing the full moon I transform, breaking the ropes and start towards the priest. 

DM: Why the priest? 

WW: Because…well… Because I wanna kill the priest.

DM: *sigh* Alright roll for strength and dexterity.

WW fails both rolls almost with flying colors. 

DM: In your current form you stumble towards the priest who backs away out of fear. Snarling, you raise a clawed hand and swipe, only to miss his face by almost twelve inches. Your poor strike catches you off guard and this gives the town’s people to time gather more rope and tie you down more securely. You’ve ended up back where you’ve started and now they have a definite reason to kill you. 

Thief: Does one of them get close to me? Do they have any weapon?

DM: The one closest to you has a hunting dagger strapped to his belt. They were smart enough to tie your hands down so you can do nothing.

Thief: Can I kick him though?

DM: I-… *sigh* roll for accuracy. 

Thief ALSO fails his roll with almost flying colors.

DM: You reach out to kick the townsman where the sun doesn’t shine. Instead, all you do is graze his ass with your foot, and upon feeling it, he turns and slaps you across the face, before threatening to slit your throat before your burned. You’ve given them another reason to kill you. Again. During this… event… the moon has risen almost to its peak, and the town is ready to start your execution. Several of the men have lit torches and are starting towards where you stand, ready to burn the kindling.

Witch: Can I use an non-verbal spell?

DM: Ah, fuck it, sure. You have the ability.

Witch: Then I cast Group Teleport.

DM: Roll for Magic Strength and Distance.

Witch manages a decent first roll and a sorta shitty second.

DM: The three of you successfully teleport away from your death leaving the ropes behind. However, misjudge the distance and the spell only takes you about ten feet behind the towns people, and someone manages to see you. 

WW & Thief(unison): RUN!

And thus began a fifteen minute chase scene complete with a high cliff that almost killed the thief, a very confused dwarf that almost got trampled both by my adventurers and the townspeople, and an argument between the Witch and the Werewolf along the way about whose fault it was.

The Paladins Proposing To You Would Include...


PROMPT?: How would Allura and her Paladins propose to their so?

A/N: allura will make a permanent appearance whenever it refers to all paladins ♥ also can you tell I ship Klance (I also loved writing this)

WARNINGS: gender neutral!!! marriage/proposal, slight cursing? klance mention

Shiro: Shiro is traditional and surprised you when you came back to your shared bedroom one night. There are rose petals scattered and he’s still in his paladin uniform, down on one knee and lights turned down. In all honesty, you probably can’t help but think of the Chandler/Monica proposal scene. But this one is all yours and that’s what makes it so great. Somehow, Lance leaks it but that’s okay because Shiro was pretty nervous about telling everyone regardless. Sure, he’s proud but he’s Dad™ and wth would his kids think about a new parent?? Regardless, you have the honor of receiving a royal Altean wedding and every thing goes off without a hitch. Keith and Lance hardly fought over who got the bouquet!

Pidge: You discussed the idea of getting married before the two of you even become “official.” It was a pretty life-changing decision for the both of you (despite having no real-world repercussions) but ultimately, you went for it. The engagement had more hype over it than expected and was supported 10 times over. Hunk won the bet between him and Lance about how soon it would take Pidge to get married. Hunk bet it would’ve taken less than ten years and Lance was never. You didn’t even want to know what he won out of it. You had a small “courthouse” wedding officiated by Shiro (who else) and it was more meaningful to the both of you than anything else you could’ve done.

Keith: You had never expected Keith to ever want to get married. (Unless it was to Lance but you weren’t EVER going to mention that) It wasn’t until a battle that almost killed Keith, that he realized he might lose you. He woke you up one night, took Red and flew you out to a distant planet and made his case. (He definitely cried and didn’t want ANYONE to know) You graciously accepted and space-eloped. No one even knew until Keith took off his ring for a shower a couple weeks later. Everyone was incredibly happy to hear that you were married and Lance only was a little mad he was the last to find out.

Lance: Leave it to Lance to embarrass the shit out of you. He made it the biggest effort to let the entire galaxy know that he proposed and didn’t even seem the smallest bit humble about his efforts. During a planet-wide celebration, Lance rigged Blue to vomit fireworks so that when they exploded, it spelled out “(y/n), will you marry me?” You couldn’t want to kill your husband more. Everyone else, however, was elated. Your wedding was huge and Lance demanded you take off his garter. He was your husband, and you were stuck with him for eternity. You couldn’t be happier.

Hunk: Hunk was afraid to ask you out, much less ask you to marry him. He dropped little hints like buying you white clothes or asking if you liked wearing rings. Eventually, you caught on and started teasing him. Saying stuff like “Geez, Hunk, stop acting like we’re married!” or “God, we’re gonna be that old married couple, huh?” and see him get flustered. At one point, he just straight out asks you a frenzy while you’re taunting him. You smile, and its history from then on. Everyone (especially Allura) was excited about the wedding and all of Shay’s family and everyone else you two met on your adventures showed. Hunk didn’t even throw up. Best night of your lives.

Allura: You saw it coming from a mile away. Despite her leaving the ring out, she tried to subtly ask you questions about your favorite type of jewelry and flowers. It didn’t even matter if you didn’t like either, she wanted an answer. So, you beat her to the punch, asking her before she could you, and she was happier than you could’ve imagined. She told all the paladins immeadiatly and asked them all to be the flower girls, much to their obligation. She planned the entire thing as an honor to her parents and her people. You were honored to be graced such a royal honor, and Allura couldn’t be happier to share it with you.

U KNOW WHAT I LOVE A LOT IS FEather dusters. feather dusters are good and aesthetic in a way and nicely subtly kinky and they incorporate the dust allergy into it and i love dust too and im sorry i just got passionate about feather dusters but mmmmmm feather dusters

Stuck With Cuffs

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Smut, oral female and male receiving, vaginal penetration, restraints!kink, stuck in an elevator, language, drinking, very slight implied child abuse at end but nothing specific at all.

Word Count: 3600

A/N: This one was a two for one deal. Written for Amber’s @huntingandwritingthings SPN Cluedo Writing Challenge, which I chose elevator with cuffs, and written for Kris’ @kdfrqqg First Writing Challenge. My prompt was “You can’t talk me out of this.” Again, still new at smut so please be kind and if you have suggestions for my writing, let me know. Congrats on your followers’ girls. No beta so mistakes are mine and feedback always wanted and appreciated.

Summary: You get trapped in an elevator with none other than Dean Winchester. Y’all are not only stuck, but supernaturally stuck by a ghost haunting the hotel. This elevator ride gets hot in more ways than one.

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Characters: Demon King!Finn x Reader

Word Count: 437

Warnings: a little sensuality (i’m a terrible tease), brief graphic gore 

Inspiration: Teeth by Lady Gaga

A/N: This is a gift fic for one of my favorite writers, @empress-with-the-crown - I hope that your birthday was everything you wanted it to be. <3

My Bálor Babes (please let me know if I missed tagging you or if you’d like to be tagged): @yourr-anger-your-anchor @motleymoose@georgiadean37@wweximaginesxd @racheo91 @daddy-slug@blondekel77 @ambrosegirlforever@romanempire19 @fucking-bandsx@boundtomyfate@hoshithehotspur @florenceivy @vsturgeon5489@thegoddessqueenrileycarter@wwesmutandstuff @anerdysouthernbelle @thebadchic@baratomaya @jenn0755 @sbethell89@magical419 @lilyruelas@xxmaddhatter39xx @bouttogolinkurbitch@uniquewerewolfsuit @valeonmars@tyferbebe @wwe-rollins-lover@dasexydevitt13 @officialbroski10-blog @weedman-shitz@truirishredhead @heelsamizayn @baloraffe@lunaticfringe216@mylittlepartofthegalaxy @thefearlessboss@isawthesights@devilsparade @oriona75 @fluffyzombiemia @calwitch@skyfoxx186@thirstiswet @taryndibiase@fuckingfuckiddyfuckfuck @castielscamander @cherielynnie@princess3733 @nikki-saurus 

Originally posted by totaldivasepisodes

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Well it was supposed to be a boss...

I’m GM-ing for the first time for players that are playing for the first time. We’re also playing a system called Cogent which I found and really liked, so I’m giving it a shot.
The players have successfuly snuck into the enemy base. Unfortunately, they alarmed the guards, fought some of them off, and are now facing the big boss and his best warrior. The party is a halfling rogue with an owl, a halfling ranger with a rifle (and explosive bullets), and a centaur mage. The rogue is up on the rooftops.

Rogue (OOC): I get on my owl, prepare to fly away, and wait to see how things go.

Rest of the party (OOC): You WHAT!?

Rogue (OOC): Well I’d rather not die you know.

Cue some banter with the boss as he is pretty obviously trying to buy time.

GM: Alright the boss’s warrior jumps at [Centaur] and… *rolls critical fail* …and compeltely misses and breaks both of his legs…

The party is surprised but pretty happy about that.

GM: Now the boss lunges towards [Ranger] in attack!

Ranger (OOC): Oh shit ok I shoot at his legs.

Boss rolls severly lower than the Ranger.

GM: Shit… You hit his right leg, and the explosion tears his leg away.

Ranger (OOC): Nice!

GM: However, as he falls to the groud, he manages to cut off your arm with his sword.

Ranger (OOC): Aww, crap.

Centaur (OOC): I ready a fire spell to fry him if he moves.

Centaur: Don’t you dare move!

Rogue: *flies back down on his owl* That went pretty well, didn’t it?

Rest of the party: Yeah like you had anything to do with it…

They proceeded to drag the boss to a pillory and lock him in there.

Rogue: Alright, tell us what the hell is going on!

Boss: Like I would do that…

Ranger: What, you’re gonna stomp your feet about this?

The whole party laughs, to my dismay. The rest of the encounter was just missing foot puns, taunting with alcohol, and dragging information out of the boss until the officials came.

The whole party: That was a pretty good boss fight, guys!

GM (me): Well it was supposed to be a boss fight…

Took ya long enough

Whee a troll. What follows reeks of sarcasm, just fair warning. This person is the wrong kind of idiot. Remember that Green Day Group Lovin’ Post?

Oh hi formerly F0x-boro, or however you used to spell your name. About time you came here. 

Gross shit? You mean three guys who are best friends and have spent like 30+ years together being affectionate and celebrating their success together? 

If that injured your delicate, homophobic sensibilities, I hope you didn’t see:

My Trillie Post

Originally posted by greendaychick14


My Bike Post: 

Originally posted by oneokidiot

Best you just unfollow, block and leave my blog altogether. I can’t be trusted to always tag band loving and I encourage those who reblog this to do the same.